My boyfriend is addicted to porn, cyber sex and more

[sadandlonely1982]

Hi ladies,

I'm sitting here at 4am not knowing what to do next. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life and after finally breaking free from a 10 year physically and mentally abusive relationship I thought I had found the the one. My boyfriend has been loving, caring and kind to me for the 2 years we have been together. There's always been an issue in the background with him not always being able to maintain an erection all of the time but it worked most of the time and I loved him so much I just carried on. so I was shocked when I discovered he had been leaving distasteful comments under women's pics on FB like "nice ass" and "sexy" but I confronted him and he said sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Then I accidentally came across some strange text messages in his I watch - I googled the numbers and local escort sites appeared - again silly me believed him when he said he was just looking at it and did text them but nothing happened beyond that. Fast forward to today I am 30 weeks pregnant and around 1 month ago I saw emails that he was sending to online sex services where they send dirty pics and talk dirty to him and ask him to put in credit card details. We were going on a holiday/working trip for me to Colorado and he was asking these girls if they would do an incall to our hotel! (I was going to be working on some days in Colorado). This was unrealistic because none of the girls were based there but all the same it was devastating to see this and literally took all the breath out of my body. I confronted him and he tried to deny it at first but then when he could no longer deny it he admitted it and said sorry, that he has an issue but he loves me and doesn't want to do it anymore. He promised he would never do it again- I literally have been waking up crying in the night uncontrollably about this I was so hurt he convinced me to give him a chance and that he loves me and when we went to Colorado I tried to initiate sex because by now we have not had sex for 5 months and it's not because I don't want to. We used to have sex however it was never often after the first few months and I did always wonder why but I just thought he didn't have a high sex drive or it was because of the fact he can't always maintain an erection so just doesn't want it as much. Since being pregnant though He never initiates if I do he pulls away which is humiliating and then if he does try he fails so makes it worse. He has literally never gone near me since I said I was pregnant which breaks my heart. I don't show for months even now I'm tiny It just seems like an excuse. Anyhow back to the story. When we returned from Denver I went to the doctors with him and we got him tested and also got him signed up for a sexual counseller which he hasn't seen yet due to waiting list. The doc gave us viagra. We tried it once and it didn't work so we went back to get a stronger dose and now he is refusing to try it (I'm getting very pregnant now) I really wanted to please him and would of done anything he wanted sexually to stop him having to do all that as I find it Devastating.Today I found his entire google search history for the last year he is pretty much watching porn everyday and looking at escort sites and searching for dirty things online sometimes for hours at a time. He isn't working at the moment so whilst I'm out pregnant and earning money to keep the house going he is looking at this stuff morning noon and night. Im not sure if he has visited an escort in real life but it's a massive possibility based on the fact he texts them. He doesn't know I saw the google search history yet and is still being all lovey Dovey with me, it's unbelievable to me! Do I confront him or continue to see what he does online -do I leave and find a way to get through the rest of pregnancy and became a single mum or do I try to work it out, it going to be hard as he was going to be the full time carer for the baby whilst I go back to work. I going to be so lonely - I'm so lost and hurt 😔

@Closetbeanmuncher thank you, all of these comments are giving me strength to do what needs to be done. I'm such an emotional person and I thought I couldn't live without him but I'm seeing more clearly now x

I’m so truly sorry to hear what you are going through and I’m repulsed by what some men do to us women on here.

Do you really want your baby under the same roof of this man? Think about your child and make a decision about what your are going to do about it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this op. U can't imagine your pain.

Your partner may be a sex addict. He may be depressed. I find that the the problem with women trying to understand or diagnose their partners behaviour almost puts the onus on the woman putting up with it or making excuses for the men, and supporting them through their 'issues'. Especially if the partner concerned is not trying to help themselves in any way. It's better to accept that these men are behaving in such ways because they CAN. Because they are total shits. We can then say 'He is behaving in a way I find unacceptable and I don't have to or want to live with it.'

Dump him op. Sending you hugs and strength. Xx

You know, I used to be of the opinion that ‘man haters’ were a weird bunch of women who couldn’t get a decent bloke or closer lesbians , but am rapidly losing faith when you read stories like this. My h too has far too much sneaky secret porn sessions that I know about and he is what you would call a supposedly ‘new man’.for those who have no issue with it well great, crack on but for many of us it is a real mental kick in the teeth on trust

You're welcome...you have a chance for real happiness away from this situation.

You got this xxx

It is nearly Christmas. Why isn't he working in a shop, bar or post office. He's a pathetic user. You can do better in a man.

@Forgotmycoat thank you, I think that is exactly what I have been doing trying to see it as some sort of medical issue and outing the pressure on myself to fix it when he isn't trying at all x

@Bananalanacake you know what - I have no idea why he hasn't just found a job any job to support his baby I guess I have made it easy for him no to by being too understanding and taking care of everything

You sound strong op. I'm glad you're realising that you can't fix him. He has no such concern for you. It's not exactly like he's worrying himself sick trying to support you through your pregnancy or trying to look for work to support you and baby.

Your baby will be so much better off with you as a single mother who has healthy self esteem rather than learning damaging lessons about relationships.

Just tell him to leave. For Gods sake, before the baby arrives.
Do not put him on the birth cert,
I would simply show him a list of his google search history, & say "Enough". (he will sob & plead, blablabla)
He lies, he cheats, he is NOT seriously looking for work, He is a cocklodging abhorrent sex freak. You do NOT want that in a partner or father figure, God forbid.
Do this today

@Mix56 thank you, I'm going to do this tonight x

Remember he is particularly good at manipulating you. You don't need to listen to all his mesmerizing excuses.
He has had all the chances he needs, he has no intention of stopping, he could after all tell you to change the box log in, or go out & do some community service never mind find a job. but no, He literally went back on line before you had closed the door.
You are better than this

Good luck, Op. you can do this. Be strong.

The only thing he’d want to change is how well he hides it from you in future.

@Joysmum very true - I believe that

@DorothyLNaySayers thank you I appreciate your support 💕

I'm glad to see you're gaining the courage to do what has to be done. You do not want this total wanker having anything more to do with your life - and your precious baby - than is necessary. He needs to be gone before the birth. If he gets his feet under the table as a SAHF you'll find him far harder to dislodge.

The sooner you get him out the better.

I wouldn't bother having a long discussion about this. He's likely to lie, bluster, weep and try, in some way, to make this your doing.

It's a product of female socialization that we women far too readily feel we have to make excuses for people who treat us badly.

I'd just say that you've had enough of his shenanigans and you want him gone by the weekend.

I feel for you.
You could be talking about my stbx as he was also a foolish, self obsessed twat who chose to pay women online or in person for sex. His mobile bill was an education in itself, his internet history was that of a teenage boy and his morals were nowhere to be seen .
It hurts so much and it makes you question your worth. But, it is him and not you. You are simply too good for him.
Take care of yourself and your baby, it will get better and you will feel better.
Just don’t let him convince you to give him another chance, Stay strong.

It simple terms...he needs to know this relationship isn't working for you and you're ending it.

He has to leave your house.

He's really a liability and a parasite who lives off you as the host.

It's so hard to be strong but this will really pay off. When you think about it, you are paying for him to sit at home and call up strange women and ask them to talk dirty to him, all the while you are working to pay the bills.

If you had a daughter, what would you tell her to do?

Get this man out of your house as fast as you can. It does sound as though he's addicted to porn - maybe once he's sorted himself out you could rethink the relationship, but for now he needs to basically get a job and stop wanking.

Op, please kick this loser out of your life. Your baby does not need that for a dad. You can bring this baby up without him - Sounds like you would be anyway. I wouldn't even name him on your child's birth cert. Have you got supportive parents or a sibling who can support you?

@IdblowJonSnow thank you, no but I have confided in a friend tonight who is supporting me and I have asked him to leave x

And is he leaving?

He tried to minimise it and say what's wrong with a wank then I said everyday? Your an addict - he then said why did I go through his personal stuff, then tried to say why I'm not sympathetic if I know it's an addiction, he then said he is sorry, then he tried to imply that he gives me freedom but he worries what he would find in my phone if he was checked which is utterly ridiculous. Then in the end he agreed to go and let me know when by the morning he literally had a list of bizarre ways of trying to make me accept the behaviour @Joysmum

He's lying and minimising for all he's worth because his cushy life has just evaporated. Well done for telling him to leave, make sure you don't waiver now for all the reasons pp's have said. Much easier to be a single parent than put up with his behaviour and fear that once the baby is born he will become custodial parent and expect you to support him.