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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever heard of a mother going NC with her adult child?

82 replies

Thatssosweet · 20/11/2018 21:29

You know, assuming that there’s nothing like drugs and booze and violence? I mean, it’s pretty rare isn’t it?

OP posts:
Bouchie · 20/11/2018 21:32

My exes mother did this. From when he was about 17. She sees two of her children but not the other two. He hasn't done muxh other than be a bit if a tearaway as a teen though their childhood was pretty awful.

Original poster
Thatssosweet · 20/11/2018 21:32

Did he ever try to make it up with her?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/11/2018 21:33

Is this happening to you, OP?

Original poster
Thatssosweet · 20/11/2018 21:34

Yes. She’s cut off me and my children. They are very young and haven’t realised yet. How can people drop in and out like that?

OP posts:
user4041 · 20/11/2018 21:36

My grandma did to my uncle for no reason bless him he was picked up one day from school and taken into care, when he got his file he read that she'd given him up, she didn't like boys apparantly. Kept all her girls and just gave him up when he was 15 Shock this was in the 70-80s

Prinstress · 20/11/2018 21:37

My Mum does this to me sporadically.

The first time I was 16 and ended up in a women's refuge a few weeks after I finished high school.

The last time was last week. It tends to last between a few days and a few months. A headfuck to say the least.

I wish I had the strength to go NC with her.

Original poster
Thatssosweet · 20/11/2018 21:39

Prinstress why does she do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatssosweet · 20/11/2018 21:40

User 4041 that’s awful! Sad

OP posts:
Prinstress · 20/11/2018 21:51

I have no idea, she's always been that way as long as I can remember. I've got quite debilitating mental health issues as a result of what I'm starting to realise was an abusive childhood.

I still hope she'll change to this day. She has in so many ways. Has a respectable job and can put on a fantastic face to most people, but still cuts me out of my life when it suits her.

She has had a few replacement families over the years, new partners with their own kids who she would much rather spend time with than her own.

Have to thank her though, my experiences have made me an excellent Mum. I'll never let my DD down the way she did.

DunkandEggAgain · 20/11/2018 21:54

Yeah. My sIL. I don't know the full details other than what my mum and brother have have relayed to me over the years (I like my SIL and we always have a chat when we see each other but I'm very aware that our relationship is quite civil and a bit formal - we'll never be CLOSE close IYSWIM. )
Any way it's bad because SIL found her long lost dad and when she established regular meet ups with him, bringing along her DC - his grandchildren - when her mum got wind of it, she dropped contact with SIL and the grandkids. It was very much "it's him or me". My brother said her mum refused all contact and it's been going on more than 6 years like that, I think.
I'm certain there's a backstory I don't know about but to drop your own grandchildren, not to mention own daughter, is IMO disgustingly petty.
SIL has cried about it when talking to my mum (I know because they have a much closer relationship between them and my mum feels so bad for her, she's angry on her behalf but nothing can be done). I feel really sorry for her.

mistermagpie · 20/11/2018 22:03

Yes, my mum. We haven't spoken in five years, she doesn't know where I live, wasn't at my wedding and has never met my children.

No abuse or violence or anything, she just doesn't like me very much. I don't like her either so it's all fine really.

GreenMeerkat · 20/11/2018 22:06

Yes.

Someone I am close to (the mother). Can't go into detail but there is a good reason for it.

Kaleela · 20/11/2018 22:12

My GM (with support from myself, Dsis, GF and DU) went NC with her DS (my father) due to constant emotional abuse and gaslighting all of us over the years. Finally reached a point where none of us could tolerate it anymore especially when he had a DP fueling his delusions.

On the otherhand, my DHs mother is sporadic NC with DH but that is due to a fractured relationship, laziness, personality clashes and me accidentally enabling her lack of contact with him by being the middle man for the past 4 years. She is so absent and disinterested in us were about to pull the pin.

IMO there's two scenarios, the mother is a nut job with a story that doesn't add up with yours or she's too scared to confront the issue therefore disappears.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 20/11/2018 22:14

Yep. My mother can't bear to be in my life apparently.

GreenVase · 20/11/2018 22:26

My mum has cut me off at various points throughout my adult life. The longest spell was 5 years starting on the day I went to university, and there has been several shorter spells since then.

I try to be pragmatic about it and I work on the assumption that she won't be interested in us again tomorrow, or next week, or next year so we don't make plans that rely on her presence. But it's very difficult to explain to children why grandma doesn't want to see them for a while, when you're not sure how long a while is or what has triggered the silence.

Kelsoooo · 20/11/2018 22:27

My dad is NC with me, but speaks to all my siblings and has a good relationship with them.

My Mil doesn't speak to my DH, so I facilitate contact between the children and her.

With my dad, no idea what caused it. We were never close anyway, but we were building a relationship I felt.

His mum, well she does it sporadically for a few years. She's due to start talking to him again in about four months.

Umbongointhejungle · 20/11/2018 22:30

Jesus Christ people. God. I feel so sad about this.
And yes you can decide not to have them in your life permanently. It’s a choice, and it’s youre choice.
It means nothing about who you are, it means everything about who they are.

Sending everyone Flowers

KenDoddsDadsDog · 20/11/2018 22:32

My dad’s mother cut him off . No abuse , alcohol , drugs. They were just a family that stopped speaking to each other randomly . She took the hump with something minor and that was it. Died without reconciling after about 30 years estranged.

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/11/2018 22:36

Yes, a number of times over my adult life (I'm 48). I have two brothers and she's done it to all of us over the years for one reason or another. I actively went NC with her two years ago as she had a strop over my cousin's children's Christening...it really was stupid. The problem is my step-father also went NC with his FIVE (yes..all five) children...they did nothing against him to warrant this...so my mother gets encouraged to whip up dramas and then blame everyone. My aunt and uncles are mystified as to how she can be like this towards her own children, but they also aren't surprised at her behaviour as she was just the same as a child. It isn't as rare as people may think either. I have quite a number of friends with toxic parents.

AbrahamsGone · 20/11/2018 22:39

Can totally identify with this. DM has gone NC for nearly 20yrs now. Left Dsis and DB and i when we were very young, then for a while reappeared but decided nearly twenties yrs ago that i had offended her and just up and left. No contact details, she's in touch with others sibs and has a good relationship them but wants nothing to do with me. I still don't know till today went i did wrong.

Letsmoveondude · 20/11/2018 22:54

My mum did to me. Kindest thing she ever did for me! It’s been 4 years with no contact.

MadMum101 · 20/11/2018 23:06

My mother did it to me (took my 7 siblings and their families with her too) when I called her out on her scapegoating me (emotional and physical abuse) and starting on one of my own DCs.

It's been over 5 years now. Massively affected my mental health mainly because it validated everything I accused her of so I have had to accept it and work through it but also it compounded me feeling worthless and like I didn't matter.

Single worst thing to happen to me, even after having to bury a child and my bio father abandoning me when I was a young child myself.

It's actually not as rare as you'd think which I discovered from researching it and I'm thankful it isn't just me, not that I'd wish it on anybody.

Can't fathom her way of thinking which is a good thing of course Grin.

Accountant222 · 20/11/2018 23:12

My son has done it to me

CarolDanvers · 20/11/2018 23:21

Yes. My mum regularly did this at intervals. The one that made me the most upset was when my two month old ds wasn't putting on weight as he should and she told me to start feeding him solids. I mildly responded that I thought he was a bit young and she huffed off the phone and didn't contact me again for six months. I was a first time mother with very little support and I needed my Mum. She then did exactly the same thing after dd was born, only I didn't hear from her for almost a year. I'm no contact now - my choice. It's for the best. My parents just never seemed to like me at all, claimed they loved me but it certainly never felt like that.

sanpelle · 20/11/2018 23:23

My DH's mother has been mostly NC with him for the past 15 years. Texts him a few times a year and never asks how he is, just goes on about herself. She left his father and had another child when DH was 10. She took on a step child with full residency too. Never paid any child maintenance or bought him anything really. Maybe the odd birthday card here and there. It's heartbreaking to know she's been looking after and paying towards someone else's child rather than her own. I don't understand it, he's never done anything wrong! I couldn't do that to my children. I can't imagine how you feel OP and I hope it gets better for youThanks