Have you ever heard of a mother going NC with her adult child?

[Thatssosweet]

You know, assuming that there’s nothing like drugs and booze and violence? I mean, it’s pretty rare isn’t it?

My dad and I were virtually NC for five years. He’d never met my youngest DC and only met the older two a handful of times. He’s lived 200ish miles away since I was eight and he just stopped bothering to visit, stopped replying to messages and stopped acknowledging our existence all together tbh aside from the odd E-Card I would receive on our birthdays . It happened after my third DC was born for some reason. We were always really close up until that point so it baffled me. My DGM wouldn’t tell me why either, she kept making excuses for him (various health issues).

Last year I was going through a tough time so managed to get in touch with him. We met up twice but both times I made the effort to travel down to see him, the second time with my DC in tow. It was nice seeing him and we stayed in touch via email for approx two months after the second visit then he stopped replying again! Haven’t heard from him all year...

His only excuses were mental health problems but he managed to make the whole situation about himself and didn’t apologise once. He started doing a bleeding heart routine bringing the death of his father into the mix (he died over 20 years ago...) Very, very strange.

Worth noting it angers my DP and he wants to get in touch with him on my behalf but I’ve lived with this for six years so it’s just become the norm now and I can’t be bothered worrying about it.

I know it’s my dad rather than mum but I was always closer to my dad growing up so it made it even stranger.

There was an older woman on here who had cancer and was having a very, very hard time with a daughter who turned up regularly, was abusive and with a violent partner. She loved her daughter and was afraid of her. It was heartwrenching to read her struggles as she wanted contact but was so stressed during her treatment that in the end her son acted as a gatekeeper. It was affecting her health and resilience badly.

I hope her treatment was successful, though it wasn't looking good, and she gained some peace of heart.

I do think there are some bloody selfish people who cut off their parents for no reason, as well as some people who have to back away for overwhelming reasons.

I think the chances of adult kids cutting their parents off for no reason are generally slim. I think the chances of the parents telling people they've been cut off for no good reason is high.

I know my mother tells people I've cut her off because I'm too lazy/selfish to want to bother with visiting her. I assume she says that's why my brother is also NC with her.

Whereas really she's quite toxic and was called out on her behaviour and flounced off.

Not too long after my mum died, my dad went NC with me for a few years due to a bad falling out he had with my sister. He felt that I’d sided with her. He got my brother onside with him and then they were both NC. My brother eventually worked out that dad was being unfair on both my sister and I and reconciled. I made the effort to reconcile with my dad - it wasn’t easy, he put no effort in. The relationship never recovered, my dad has zero relationship with any grandkids. We have a very shallow relationship as I can’t trust him. He still won’t talk to my sister and has never met her children. Before the falling out I had observed him ghosting people on thin grounds, I never thought he would do this to his own kids...you live and learn.

Oh and if anyone hears the story from my dad’s side he will maintain that my sister and I treated him badly, went NC with him. During the NC period he bad mouthed us to everyone so we more or less lost that whole side of the family and some on my mums side too who believed him. We kept a dignified silence.

That's similar to stuff that happened in my family GooseLose.

A friend is very lovely and has the nicest seeming family ever - yet they are all non-contact with her brother - who doesn't appear to have done anything wrong. He chose to go to university and follow a different career path rather than join the family business.

He's not who they want him to be so he no longer exists to them! My friend is mad at him as he upset her parents. She doesn't want to know him. They've destroyed all trace of him from their family. They are estranged from other relatives that refuse to support their stance.

I thought he'd died when she told me she'd had a brother. It makes me wary of her as it's so harsh.

The hypocrisy on mumsnet can be totally unreal sometimes. I regularly see people encouraged to go NC with sometimes elderly parents on here. But when the shoes on the other foot they’re suddenly an innocent and blameless child. Please.

I think the chances of adult kids cutting their parents off for no reason are generally slim. I think the chances of the parents telling people they've been cut off for no good reason is high.

The postings and advice given on Mumsnet would let me to believe the opposite. Apparently any amount of abuse must be taken from adult children towards their parents, but refusing to be unpaid childcare to grandchildren is very good reason to go NC.

In my husband’s case, his mother had treated him like shit on her shoe for his entire life, but he was willing to maintain a relationship with her so she could see her grandchildren. She simply had zero interest in his children (of course, his sisters children were adored.)

Still, I’m sure she does a good turn on the woe is me, I’m just a sweet old lady schtick - although that would soon wear thin to anyone who actually knows her.

Yeah, my mother cut me off about 20 years ago. I often frame it as if I cut her off, or just fudge the issue (‘we’ve lost touch, it’s a long story’ is a good line) if I don’t want to go into detail at that particular time/with the person in front of me (often because I’ve carefully judged whether they can deal with it), but actually she wrote me the final letter saying she never wanted to see or hear from me again. And I’d had such a lot of shit to deal with from her that I was almost immediately relieved and thought, good, I’m so glad she said that. Then I moved and told people in my old area not to pass on any information about me or to me if she wrote again. I don’t think she ever attempted contact and I don’t actually care because life became a million times calmer and better without her in it. Extreme mental health problems compounded by alcohol. She thought she was me and I her, really, it’s not possible to live normally with that going on. I still wonder exactly what her diagnosis should have been, cos ‘depression’ does not cover extreme paranoia and thinking you’re the focus of fucking everything on the whole planet. Not to mention her obsession with sex, that was one of the most disturbing things. Possibly histrionic personality disorder, possibly narcissistic PD, but it’s irrelevant now.

Silver Doe, bless you, please don’t cry for me at least, I have a lot of love in my life, I’ve made my peace with the whole thing, it’s honestly okay. And I’m so, so glad people actually talk about it these days!! The wonders of the internet, I don’t believe this level of awareness was possible before it came along.

My parents did this. I was 33, expecting my second child, doing well in my career. Both dead now. Left their entire estate to a charity they weren't interested in. Now I will never know why.

If I could find a therapist, I think I would probably be in therapy for ever. The utter rejection is incomprehensible.

My father has done this to me. My mother died a few years ago and he started seeing a woman immediately afterwards. I struggled badly with the fact he expected us to treat this woman like a princess, he told her all our business and couldn’t accept that she was a stranger to us, basically he didn’t give us any time to process our mothers death and expected us to just carry on with a new woman around in our family home.
His new partner turned out be a manipulator and had my father exactly where she wanted him, he wouldn’t listen to any of our warnings and hit very angry, told us he didn’t want any more to do with us and that’s been that.
I do hope he’s comfortable in the bed he’s made for himself.

Yes my Mother once I was married and in control of my own destiny, she would blow hot and cold. Did the same thing with my siblings. Went NC with her own sister for years. Luckily I found her address and contacted her. It turned out she had done the same thing to her own parents, siblings and other relatives, ditto with my Fathers family.

My siblings threw in the towel years before I did. When I eventually refused to let her reestablish contact, she went nuts. But she had upset my children by her behaviour.

She is a classic narcissist sadly, but that is her problem not mine anymore.

My mum is very much the kind where if you don't contact her, she won't contact you.

As a result, she's had no communication with my brother for about 8 years, my sister hadn't spoken to her for about 3 years and I've not spoken to her for 12 months. She also has 3 step children (my step father is deceased) who have had no contact with her for years and even her own family (sisters etc) are no longer in contact.

And yet she thinks that everyone else is the problem

My mum! We've never been nc but if we have an argument I'm always the one to "make friends" I always get the feeling if I didn't she'd go as long as it took.
In a way I feel very sorry for her, my dad talks to her like she's a piece of shit, her siblings and parents don't treat her well, she has always put on an act in front of them , like it's a different person, she's not herself?

I feel like I'm the whipping boy she takes all anger out on me, she adores my dd but she has so many negative comments about my parenting when she was far from perfect.

Boils my piss to say the least.

MadMum We must inhabit a parallel universe as my mother also went NC with her entire family, her first husbands family (after his death so older half siblings lost their extended family on his side too) and my father and his extended family after their divorce. The only difference is my siblings are loyal to her at all costs but then being the scapegoat, I was a convenience for them to lay the blame on too so they never really saw me as someone to care about anyway.

I will never forget her mentioning once that she'd found out her sister had died with a shrug and no emotion whatsoever. I was utterly shocked but conditioned not to try to talk about it further. I had no idea that a few years later on she would orchestrate my siblings and I being in the same situation .

She actually accused Me of being a narcissist because I should have kept all the trauma and pain she caused me in my therapists office and not disturbed her peace with it .

I don't know any mother who has willingly gone NC with her children.

I know 3 families where adult children have gone NC with their parents for the most ridiculous reasons.

Their parents are devastated and totally confused. All 3 of these "children" have been brought up well. Their parents have moved Hell and Earth to provide what they need. Maybe that's the problem.... Kids these days expect everyone to roll over to accommodate their (unrealistic) needs. They can't seem to accept the word "No" 🤷‍♀️

I have actually heard of this happening quite a bit among friends and acquaintances. My closest friends mother did this to her a few years back for verious petty reasons, none of which were anything my friend did to her. And going back in time it seems obvious she was always a person who had the potential to do this. She was very selfish and was always having a fight with one friend or another. Now though, she has no friends left so her daughter was the only one left to turn on. Very sad situation but she isn't a nice person.

I know 3 families where adult children have gone NC with their parents for the most ridiculous reasons

So the parents tell you.

Oh and my husbands mum has done it periodically to us for over 20 years. So now we are the ones to go NC with her because we are fed up of not knowing if she's talking to us at that time and where we stand also whatever we spoke about with her she would downplay, outdo or just not approve or whatever... Very hard to get on with and tolerate. She's never done it with his brothers just him because he was the only one who had his life together and didn't need her to help us financially or with the kids etc. So now we haven't bothered to contact her or respond to her attempts in about 4 years (husbands decision to end contact once and for all).

My MIL did this 9 years ago when DD was born as she wasn't getting her own way. Best decision she ever made for us as I believe it saved my marriage. From what I've seen it isn't really that uncommon.

I went NC with my son almost two years ago after years of his verbal abuse, controlling and bullying attitude toward me, delighting in making me cry, and walking on eggshells whenever I was in his company.
It has been hard, especially since a new grandchild has arrived and I have seen him only in passing; however, my mental health has improved immeasurably.
My son is very charming and generous when he wants to be; so much so that other than his brother, other family members think I am unreasonable in being NC. They think I should 'apologise' for going NC and accept my son's treatment of me because I am the parent and I should be the bigger person.
They don't know the half of it.

My parents and sister are nc with me. They weren't happy when I got with my partner. Sided with my exh which has taken my ds away from me, he now spends 45 mins a week with me because they don't make him feel seeing me is important, I try hard to see him more often but it's impossible... I now have 2 more dc, out of the blue they bought my dd a 1st birthday present, first contact with her and a Christmas present that same year, no contact in between, so I text telling them to forget it and they never responded. They live a 2 minute walk from my house now and we go past theirs to take my daughter to preschool, she'll often point out her big brothers grandparents house .... sometimes I feel low about it and think I should just try and speak to them, but then I realise they've done nothing to try and contact me in 3 years now so they clearly don't want me

Well there's always two sides to a story but in the end bad parenting is always the cause.