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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever heard of a mother going NC with her adult child?

82 replies

Thatssosweet · 20/11/2018 21:29

You know, assuming that there’s nothing like drugs and booze and violence? I mean, it’s pretty rare isn’t it?

OP posts:
Hazardswan · 20/11/2018 23:31

I know of a mum who went NC with an adult child. She tried her best, he's all manners and charm until you know him. Domestic violence isn't just for romantic relationships. Broke her heart but it was either NC or have a breakdown.

Didyeeaye · 20/11/2018 23:44

My mum threw me out at 15 and gave me a cheque for £2000 when I was 16 and told me she didn't want to see me again. She finally tracked me down when i was 19. Have had an on/off tenuous relationship since with NC for a couple years at a time. Some people are too selfish to be parents. My parents weren't fit to be parents so I'm glad they won't be grandparent to my kids. I know it's hard but you deserve better

Original poster
Thatssosweet · 21/11/2018 00:33

My mother has issues with boundaries. She has always tried to somehow take over the emotional aspects of my life, and make it about her. For years I couldn’t see it and just put up with it. Then I stopped and drew a line and we didn’t speak for two years. We reached a truce and then she completely ignored a boundary just because she didn’t feel like it. I called her out on it and she has cut me and my children off. My Dad is still in touch but she isn’t.

For the life of me I cannot fathom how anyone could do that, but she has. She has a way of just switching off somehow.

I don’t get her behaviour. She’s like a vampire somehow. I was part of a very tragic event that happened a few years ago and I was handling it. But she kept wanting to make me talk about it “for my own good” and she only stopped once I cried about it, because she deemed that THAT was healthy and said that she felt good that I had “finally” broken down. She assumed that I had no other way of coping or healing without crying to HER.

Anyway as soon as I’ve stepped back from the drama and refused to react, and drawn perfectly reasonable boundaries, she’s cut me and the kids off.

OP posts:
devondaughter · 21/11/2018 02:12

I'm glad you posted this Thatssosweet, and others too, my mother did this to me and I thought I was the only one. I didn't know where she was for 10 years, then she got in contact with me again, things weren't very good, it felt very artificial, but we were speaking and I thought things might improve, but after 6 months she turned on me, spent an hour on the phone insulting me and has gone no-contact again. I ring her and she doesn't answer the phone. I leave messages, nothing back. I honestly don't know what I did wrong. I have to say it's not my choice to be no-contact but it's the best way. It's affected me a lot and I feel worthless but I get on with my own life. It's very difficult to explain this to people from happier family backgrounds so I just keep quiet. I honestly think she has some sort of personality disorder and I sense some jealousy, my life is stable and happy - not perfect but I have a job, husband, settled home etc. It's all very sad and I hope those who are in similar situations find their happiness from some other source.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/11/2018 06:09

Yes my Dad did in 2011. Left my mum for a new woman and we've never heard from him since.

Donthugmeimscared · 21/11/2018 06:19

Yes a woman I worked with had cut all contact with her dd because her dd had been upset she wouldn't unfriend her exh on fb. The dd had tried to make amemds but my colleague was having none of it. It was very sad.

NicoAndTheNiners · 21/11/2018 06:19

Yep, my mum.

She flounced out my house a few years ago and haven't seen her since.

She did write to me earlier this year saying she had cancer and she thought I ought to step up and help take her to hospital appts, etc but I didn't get in touch.

LadyPenelope68 · 21/11/2018 06:28

Yes, my MIL has two daughters and a son (my DH). She totally cut all contact with one of her daughters when her daughter needed her support over 25 years ago (domestic violence). My SIL has since remarried, had a son and now has grandchildren. My MIL doesn’t even know she has a DGS or DGGC.

Birdie6 · 21/11/2018 06:39

I'm on Gransnet as well as on here, and you see it occasionally mentioned by posters . It's usually over some kind of misunderstanding, someone said something thoughtless, should have apologised but refuses to, then it all escalates and the mother goes NC , probably to punish the daughter.

RedDwarves · 21/11/2018 06:48

Yes, it seems to run in my family.

My grandmother has nothing to do with either of her daughters, and now one her daughters has done this to one of her daughters (my cousin). She is still in contact with her other daughter and grandchild, but hasn't seen or spoken to the other child/grandchildren since Easter.

AJPTaylor · 21/11/2018 06:49

I had a colleague whose mother did this to her frequently. Until she had kids. The first time she did it to her small children, colleague saw the light and went no contact with her mother. Subsequently moved and didn't tell her. Her life is considerably improved. She reckons her mother had a very poor childhood and mental health issues which she tried to pass on to her.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 21/11/2018 07:05

Yep my mum. I was 21 years old. I met a guy from my family home town on a visit back from uni, and he came from a council estate.

She said "it's the guy from a council estate, or me"

When I said I couldn't make that decision she cut me off.

5 years late she cut off my DB.

I'm 48 now. Life has been extremely hard at times. She has three grandchildren. Doesn't appear to give a shit.

Villanellesproudmum · 21/11/2018 07:15

Yes my mother, not a bad thing though she is a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Thatssosweet · 21/11/2018 07:29

So sad that so many go through this. I can’t say that mine is necessarily a nasty piece of work. She does lots of charity work. I think I am meant to view this latest episode as a punishment.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 21/11/2018 07:36

Yes, one of my friend’s mums cut her off, it’s been about 10 years now. It was over money... friend owed her mum some (approx £80) and was struggling for cash with a young baby and had been made redundant on maternity leave so asked if she could pay in instalments. Her mum said no and hasn’t spoken to her for 10 years over it.

Racmactac · 21/11/2018 07:45

I haven't spoken to my dm in 2 years, we argued about something.

I tried several times, phoned her and sent her flowers on her birthday. I sent her email asking her for coffee and she said no.

She used to look after my kids regularly and now all they get is a Christmas and birthday cards with £30. The kids write thank you notes and ask questions and they get nothing in response.

Mary1935 · 21/11/2018 07:46

🌺 for every one on this thread. Have you all seen the Stately homes thread in relationships - it maybe useful to you all. Devondaugter id stay away from her and anyone else who’s mental health is understandably affected by this.

Aussiebean · 21/11/2018 09:48

Me too. As soon as I stood up to her and she knew I wasn’t backing down I was dropped.

She has two grandchildren by me and hasn’t even acknowledged the second. And only did the first when my husband rang her. After that zero.

To be honest, I am glad. The anxiety I already live with would be 1000 fold if I was in contact. So all good.

Original poster
Thatssosweet · 21/11/2018 10:29

Mary1935 I glance at the StatelyHomes thread occasionally but I suppose I didn’t identify with it much because she isn’t abusive as such, and because half the time I wonder if I’m going mad because people say she’s a great person!

But how can a great person just disengage like that? It’s been months!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatssosweet · 21/11/2018 10:34

Aussiebean it’s interesting that she went off it when you stood up to her. That’s exactly what happens to me. Every line I’ve drawn (and they are all reasonable - I’ll discipline the children not her, please don’t get between me and my husband and talk behind our backs to each other, please let me know when you’re coming over, please don’t move things around when you’re here” etc and she says “I feel I’ve lost you.” Angry

Last time was again about her playing me and my husband off against each other and I called her out on it. And for that I am cut off. It’s disgusting. Whenever she falls out with me, she fawns all over other relatives and I spoke to one last night who said that she thought we were so alike! I thought “I truly hope not. I wouldn’t treat anyone the ways she is with me. Utterly disrespectful.”

OP posts:
missmartha · 21/11/2018 10:38

I know of a mum who went NC with an adult child. She tried her best, he's all manners and charm until you know him. Domestic violence isn't just for romantic relationships. Broke her heart but it was either NC or have a breakdown.

I have gone NC with my son as much as I can for this reason. He is educated, charming and he is violemnt. Verbally violent and he tells the most grotesque lies on top of all that.

He has two children though, my grandchildren who mean the world to me. If I stay away from him completely, I will lose contact with my grandchildren.

MumOf5Monsters · 21/11/2018 10:49

Mine!!!
More than once. No drugs or abuse or drink involved. I am one of 5 children. I'm second eldest at 36.....
My mother NEVER and I mean NEVER has contact with all 5 of her kids. There is at least one she doesn't have contact with.
I have let her in mine and my kids lives numerous times..... for her to just simply stop caring. That's what it feels like. She like the initial buzz of being in contact.... will come visit, ring, text etc.... the last contact was the best tbh.... she remembered all my kids birthdays..... spoilt them at Xmas. And now..... nothing! I pulled her up on not being in contact with me when I had an operation (I'm not shy of telling her how I feel) and mentioned that if I don't ring/text her then there would be no contact..... and POOF.... she's gone. Doesn't care.... I think it says a lot of her as a woman and as a mother that none of her children really have a good relationship with her..... I just think not all mothers are capable of having a life long connection with their kids. I can't think of anything worse than not knowing if my kids are ok or worse......
I hope your ok OP and if there is one thing I've learnt from my mum, is that it's her and not me. I've not done anything wrong x

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/11/2018 11:59

Yes, the Stately Homes thread. It was started on this very topic...click on the first link December 2007.

My mum had a lot of mh issues compounded by alcohol. She tried to stop speaking to me once when I was still in school. The effect pretty much had a net change of zero because she never nurtured, guided, or coached me. It was like being raised by a six year old.

{[(unmumsnetty hugs all around)]}

heartshapedknob · 21/11/2018 12:58

My husband’s mother disowned him, he’d always been the family scapegoat and his sister the golden child but she had to tolerate him because his Dad was a normal person capable of loving his son. A few months after his Dad died she cut contact.

SilverDoe · 21/11/2018 13:12

I am so, so sorry for you all :(

I clicked on this because I was listening to true crime podcast about the moors murders and had to turn it off as the way they treated their own childred was so heart renchingly callous (even if you remove the horrific murders and physical crimes) that it sent me on a huge guilt trip wondering if my children know they are loved, so I came to MN for some reassurance.

I clicked on this thread instead and I’m sitting in the office in tears now, it’s so so sad to hear of all of your relationships with your mothers. I’m sorry for the self indulgent ramble but it’s so heartbreaking to hear of how common it seems to be to not feel loved and cared for by your mum.

I hope you have all found closure and love in later life Flowers