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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”

93 replies

Benjibearsmum · 20/11/2018 17:45

So my lovely (so I thought) husband of 14 years said this to me in August, it came out of the blue as I thought we were pretty happy and since then we have been working at our marriage with counselling, getting communication back on track etc. I realise I could throw him out but do not want to do that as I still love him and there is still hope and we have four beautiful children - so obviously I want to do all I can to save the marriage for their sakes (obviously would feel differently if there was any kind of abuse etc - but he is a ‘good’ man). The problem is that while he still finds me attractive and respects and likes me as a person, he is caught in a huge midlife crisis (“I’m 42 and feel my times running out”) and his feelings towards me are not shifting in the right direction at all. He thinks he could be happier with someone else who is “more like him”. It’s heartbreakjng as I fear he will take a great big wrecking ball to everything and in my view our marriage really was mostly good. It’s only 3.5 months since this all came out in the open, though apparently had been brewing for a very long time. Is this still early days? Apparently this is super common. Have any of you been through this? And come out the other end? Could this just be an awful phase? Would be so grateful to speak with anyone who has successfully navigated this sh*tty situation. I really need some hope right now! He is kind and loving to me (albeit distant), but he just “can’t” get his loving feelings back towards me at the moment and doesn’t think he ever will. Will/could that change? Tia x

OP posts:
PookieDo · 20/11/2018 17:50

Sorry to hear what you are going through

I know your reasons why you are hanging around waiting for him to make up his mind but in the kindest way if after nearly 4 months he is saying the same thing it may be time for you to pick up your self respect and ask him to leave now. No one can give you hints and tips about how to reverse his mindset and it’s much better for you in the long run to pull that plaster off and split. The longer you leave it the worse it will be because hope is not the basis for a long and happy marriage if one person has checked out.

I think he’s being cowardly cruel and unfair not to just make a clean break from you. It really is mean and selfish of him. You need to listen to what he is saying and do what is going to make you happy because hanging around waiting for him to drop you a crumb of hope is really bad for you

HollowTalk · 20/11/2018 17:54

I'm really sorry but I would be looking around to see who he does think he's in love with.

troodiedoo · 20/11/2018 17:58

In my experience this wanky phrase means "I want to have sex with someone else".

Awful situation for you to be in. My sympathies. I would say take back control and kick him out. But that's easy for me to say. Good luck whatever you do Flowers

BackInTheRoom · 20/11/2018 17:59

ILYBINILWY normally means they've found someone else. I'm so sorry Thanks

desperatesux · 20/11/2018 17:59

Personally I think once those immortal words are uttered it is over and there is no going back. I think to utter them you would want to be so so sure of your feelings as it is one bell that can't be un rung. The only thing would be would be to say them back, actually I feel the same, no longer love you off you go.
it will either shock him into realizing what he is going to lose or else he will go skipping off into the sunset no longer feeling like the bad guy. At least you will know for sure one way or the other. You are just pro longing the agony this way
Any chance there could be another women, even someone he could have he eye on?

Trinity66 · 20/11/2018 18:00

Awful situation for you to be in. My sympathies. I would say take back control and kick him out. But that's easy for me to say. Good luck whatever you do

I echo this and also, I'm really sorry you're going through that, it must so heart breaking

MovemberBlues · 20/11/2018 18:00

Sorry OP he is cheating on you. The old 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line means this every time

DowntonCrabby · 20/11/2018 18:01

I’d lose respect and most probably a lot of love for someone who told me these types of feelings had been “brewing for a very long time” and “I’m 42 and feel time is running out.” IMO the whole midlife crisis line is honestly pathetic.

In those circumstances I’d be asking him to move out for six months, while still attending the councelling together and/or apart. I’d be concentrating my efforts on making myself completely capable of being independent of him and assuming that’s 95% where the future will go.

helpmum2003 · 20/11/2018 18:03

I had a friend who went through this and out the other side luckily. I think her DH was depressed.

Could your DH be depressed? What does the counsellor think? Could there be an OW?

How awful for you, I'm sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2018 18:04

I think he's already found someone. He's just playing along for now to make his life easier. I would send him packing.

Letthepastgo · 20/11/2018 18:04

There’s actually a book called this by Andrew Marshall
And he’s got a blog/you tube videos worth a look

Beansandcoffee · 20/11/2018 18:04

Could there be someone else? I think you need to take control and ask for him to move out for a month to see how you feel about the situation. It would also force him to face reality of what it would be like not living with the kids full time, running a house on your own etc etc. Good luck.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 20/11/2018 18:05

I don't think it necessarily means he has someone else or wants someone else. I've definitely fallen out of love with people. I don't think you get it back unfortunately so I think you need to start planning your future.

HandCuffsNowBracelets · 20/11/2018 18:05

He's having an affair- I'm sorry. It's the cheater's script (I've been on the receiving end unfortunately)

winterisstillcoming · 20/11/2018 18:07

Let him go. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you??

While you are both still being polite to each other, you might be able to separate with minimal fallout, and he might be so grateful that you may be able to negotiate a good settlement.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 20/11/2018 18:08

That was the opening line to my STBXH's 'crisis' aged 41. He was already seeing someone else. It's in the script. I echo what is said about preparing for independence. This behaviour is extremely cruel- it was a relief when I found out about the affair. I am sorry that you are going through this but life can get better and will! I speak from experience.

dontalltalkatonce · 20/11/2018 18:08

He's shagging someone else. But he doesn't want to look like the cheating slag he is, so tells you this shit so you are the one to look bad, and then he 'just met' his OW/'never expected this'/'happened when I least expected it'. Instead of being a grown up about it, thinking, 'Hmm, my feelings are changing, I need to talk about this with my spouse like a mature person and see what we can do' he fucks around, blames it on mid-life crisis and tries to re-write history (it had been a long time coming, we grew apart) to cover up the fact that he's less honest than a tomcat near a cat in heat.

Sorry, but I'd aim to catch him out.

He's following a the classic script of a cheating slapper.

N0b0dysMot · 20/11/2018 18:08

He wants to be with somebody who's more like him!!?!? Even though he's been happy for 14 years?

hmmmmm.

I think the best way to salvage it is to make sure he respects you. Tell him this hmming and hawing and general indecision is a turn off and I deserve better. Then ask him to leave while YOU think about whether or not you could move past this if he finally decided he wanted to.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/11/2018 18:10

I had a similar experience almost a year ago. Husband (40) was distant & moody so I eventually asked him what was wrong and he told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, wasn’t happy, didn’t want to lose his “best friend” though. Had a horrendous couple of weeks over Christmas while I wondered if our marriage was over. I even asked him if he was depressed and needed to see a dr. He said no.
I found messages 2 weeks later between him and a woman at work. She was 27. They are still together and he looks like more of a walking mid life crisis every time I see him (but an unhappy one, funnily enough).
We have 2 children and we’re togeher 20 years, married 13.
I don’t want to say that it’s always another woman and I hope in your case it’s not but don’t rule it out x

SimplySteve · 20/11/2018 18:12

Agree with everyone. That's a shitty prefab phrase men use to exit a relationship to go to someone else. Nice gentle letdown, no fuss HmmHmmHmm

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/11/2018 18:13

That's cheat language. Straight from the script. It either translates as "I'm a cheat" or "I'm about to be a cheat".

Sorry. LTB. Flowers

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 20/11/2018 18:13

I've been on Mumsnet a long time and I've never known that phrase not be an affair. But either way four months of this is taking the piss and you should tell him to leave. It is cruel and disrespectful to keep you hanging and you deserve better. And it might focus his mind,

Loopytiles · 20/11/2018 18:14

Cheaters’ script, or at v least he thinks if single he could meet somone new.

Take back some control and end it.

dontalltalkatonce · 20/11/2018 18:19

The reason why he's still there? His bit on the side hasn't asked him to move in with her yet. He's not the one losing sleep over this, he'll already checked out, made his excuse that it's okay to treat you this way because he told you he didn't love you anymore, and is getting an ego boost over the drama these two women are creating over him and still enjoying the comforts of home. He's not a good man or a good person. A good person doesn't treat people he/she respects and loves like this.

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