“I love you but I’m not in love with you”

[Benjibearsmum]

So my lovely (so I thought) husband of 14 years said this to me in August, it came out of the blue as I thought we were pretty happy and since then we have been working at our marriage with counselling, getting communication back on track etc. I realise I could throw him out but do not want to do that as I still love him and there is still hope and we have four beautiful children - so obviously I want to do all I can to save the marriage for their sakes (obviously would feel differently if there was any kind of abuse etc - but he is a ‘good’ man). The problem is that while he still finds me attractive and respects and likes me as a person, he is caught in a huge midlife crisis (“I’m 42 and feel my times running out”) and his feelings towards me are not shifting in the right direction at all. He thinks he could be happier with someone else who is “more like him”. It’s heartbreakjng as I fear he will take a great big wrecking ball to everything and in my view our marriage really was mostly good. It’s only 3.5 months since this all came out in the open, though apparently had been brewing for a very long time. Is this still early days? Apparently this is super common. Have any of you been through this? And come out the other end? Could this just be an awful phase? Would be so grateful to speak with anyone who has successfully navigated this sh*tty situation. I really need some hope right now! He is kind and loving to me (albeit distant), but he just “can’t” get his loving feelings back towards me at the moment and doesn’t think he ever will. Will/could that change? Tia x

They usually attend Marriage Counselling before the split to show/say they tried their best...

Sorry OP another one who has been on the receiving end of that phrase.

I used to joke to my then husband that men never leave for no one or nothing . I still believe that (ok maybe not never but I've still only ever met 2) .. He didn't deny that of course he had someone else lined up when he left me.

Yes he also dutifully went along to the marriage guidance counselling! (Mind you I was pregnant so he's have looked even worse if he'd have refused)

Sorry not sure how I underlined that..

That statement "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in itself is immature and dishonest.

After 14 years and 4 DC I don't expect you're madly in love with him either. My DPs, married for 60+ years, love each other deeply but aren't "in love", FFS.

What he actually means is that you don't give him the sexual excitement of his affair partner (or the partners he's planning to have).

He's checking out without having the guts to own up. The only chance you might have to rescue your marriage is to take back the reins and ask him to move out while he makes up his mind.

If he's still just playing with the thought of his sexy freedom this sharp jolt of reality may bring him up short. It's a possibility. But it's not likely, or at least not in my experience.

Sorry. This is not what you want to hear.

I'd recommend seeing a solicitor about what your position will be in the event of a split.

Let's take what he has said at face value. He is not happy with his life. Whilst he loves you and your children he is not in love in the way he was or thinks he should be. He wants more for himself. But you have tried to make him see value and love in what you have got and that hasn't worked. He still feels the same.
Will his feelings change the way you want them to? Not likely and not unless he, you or something/one compels or forces it to change. But he has not taken that route and nor have you. The something or someone will grow as a risk.

Some people will tell you to roll the dice and tell him to leave in the expectation that he will soon find out the grass is not greener. At least not with CMS payments for 4 kids. This has some value if you are prepared to become more independent. You could take some major steps towards this as an option. By that I mean becoming you own person not just or even his wife and by redefining your role of mother. Essentially instead of trying to find the joy for his life or your married life, find it for yourself. No reaction to him or anything but think what it would be like to live separately. Selfishly chose how to spend the weekend, christmas or where to go on holiday,

Essentially you need to start to take control of your life and not be reliant on whether he will find the value in loving you. Find it yourself.

Yes! I’ve read this from front to back and he seems to be saying that there is still loads of hope - by fixing things like lack of communication and other things that break a relationship down. So confused!

I am so sorry, it does seem common.
Have you asked him if he has someone else in mind, who seems more like him?

Is he secretive with his phone or PC?

At some stage this needs to be resolved as waiting for him to decide (without him havjng to take action) is too passive and he is less likely to respect you.

When you do think you need to draw a line?

I can guarantee this doesn't always mean someone is cheating. I said almost exactly the same to my then dp and I wasn't.

I'd force the issue and suggest a trial separation.

Whether he’s cheating or not (I think men who says this, out the blue, usually are) you really not to shake him up a bit- otherwise you are coming across as boring/safe.

If you want him back - or if you don’t- tell him to fuck off. Get him out the house and contact arrangementsstarted. Force his hand.

My dh said this to me. I later found out he had been cheating for the whole marriage. I would let him go. Why are you accepting this? At least I got bloody angry and told him where to go. Hes treating you like a doormat.
Yes he will be cheating.......otherwise why would he say it really? I think they say it when they are comparing you to OW. So feckin selfish.

He is keeping u in limbo on purpose. Saying the communicatiin needs to be better. Has he tried harder than u have? I doubt that.

This phrase along with "it's not you it's me" and "I've not been happy for years" come straight out of the big book of cunt

The problem is that I can’t chuck him out right now as we are living in NYC until next summer so I am here with no support network etc and the kids would fall apart - they have exams coming up in February and then I think mummy and daddy splitting up before a big move back to the U.K. and their old school could send them into meltdown. Also all the articles say more marriages are ended by a wife’s panic than a husband demanding to leave (obvs it can also be the other way around). He has had an emotional affair with someone at work who was on a break and is now back with her partner. They kissed and apparently that was it (obvs I will never know for sure). That really shook him - ie that he could have such strong feelings for someone else. But apparently that is very common in midlife crisis - a man can get blown away by infatuation for smithed often you get woman after many years of marriage - but can “come to his senses” and while I never in a million years thought I’d accept behaviour like this (trust me, I’m a strong independent person etcetc) there is just so much at stake and I do feel I should give it my best shot. But more to the point - I am trapped here in the States till the summer so I think I will have to wait it out, horrific as that is. Ugghh

Yeah, I had the “not been happy for a long time” line too. Could have fooled me and everyone else who knew us. He started being unhappy when someone else showed him some attention.

Did he confess or did you catch him?

Beeefcake, a man I met through OLD tried the line "it's not you, it's me" but was very surprised when I replied "You're right."

As I turned on my heel he cried out "Where are you going?". "Home", I said, over my shoulder, as I walked away.

He may increase his unreasonable behaviour (telling you he doesn't really love you anymore is shitty,) to get you to dump him. It looks better for him to move on to his new interest if you dump him. I think he's behaving really badly, stringing you along. He is trying to let you down gently.

Me? I caught him (work emails on his iPad) then when he got back from work that day his bag was packed. He didn’t deny it...just looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Also wondered how OP found out about his work colleague which seems to be the real crux of the issue

You can still separate. You can still certainly get your own life and include him less in yours. He can certainly be the one on the back foot while you detach and grow yourself

I bet he'd soon see what he's lost! I think you may have set him free tbh. Not what you want to hear I know, it must be heartbreaking but you can't stay with someone who doesn't really want it anymore, you deserve better.

Agree - am throwing myself into work and the kids etc. Found out about her at the time of the original ILYB talk - I “prised” it out of him. And then went through his phone etc. Saw he had texted a mate to say she had got back with her partner so “chances over” and “I’m not that gutted”. Never in a million years would have accepted that before as I say - but now that I’m in it - so much at stake. And apparently people can come back from the brink of divorce (even after affairs) and find each other again. With a lot of repair work. Apparently.

The problem is that you have cast yourself as a doormat- he has no respect for you now.

I really do recommend you give him a wake up call...show him what he’ll be missing- does he want to be in NY on his own and you lot far away? Take control.

Benjibearsmum can you not come home with the DC? Because if he's saying all this now I can't imagine the situation will remain stable until next summer. What if he leaves you all before then? If you find out he's having an affair (and your latest update makes it seem increasingly likely) will you stay in NYC?

You didn't mention the EA in your OP and yet most of us picked up on the likelihood that he was either cheating or planning to do so. Odd that... Almost as if there's a pattern to this kind of thing.

I can see that you don't want to do anything to break up your marriage but when you say all the articles say more marriages are ended by a wife’s panic than a husband demanding to leave, I wonder where the authors are getting all this. Because you could only make such a claim using hindsight, which isn't exactly reliable. How can a woman possibly say that if she hadn't panicked her DH would've stayed? Think about it.

Women struggling to keep a marriage going in the light of their husband's infidelity end up feeling degraded. I have heard too many women on MN saying they wish they'd made the break sooner, not the other way around.