Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”

93 replies

Benjibearsmum · 20/11/2018 17:45

So my lovely (so I thought) husband of 14 years said this to me in August, it came out of the blue as I thought we were pretty happy and since then we have been working at our marriage with counselling, getting communication back on track etc. I realise I could throw him out but do not want to do that as I still love him and there is still hope and we have four beautiful children - so obviously I want to do all I can to save the marriage for their sakes (obviously would feel differently if there was any kind of abuse etc - but he is a ‘good’ man). The problem is that while he still finds me attractive and respects and likes me as a person, he is caught in a huge midlife crisis (“I’m 42 and feel my times running out”) and his feelings towards me are not shifting in the right direction at all. He thinks he could be happier with someone else who is “more like him”. It’s heartbreakjng as I fear he will take a great big wrecking ball to everything and in my view our marriage really was mostly good. It’s only 3.5 months since this all came out in the open, though apparently had been brewing for a very long time. Is this still early days? Apparently this is super common. Have any of you been through this? And come out the other end? Could this just be an awful phase? Would be so grateful to speak with anyone who has successfully navigated this sh*tty situation. I really need some hope right now! He is kind and loving to me (albeit distant), but he just “can’t” get his loving feelings back towards me at the moment and doesn’t think he ever will. Will/could that change? Tia x

OP posts:
ILoveAutum · 20/11/2018 19:29

You’re not stuck there.

Leave him. Bring the kids back here, get them back on track into the school system here.

Move forward with your and their lives. What twatbollocks does about staying in the states or coming back is up to him.

You’d be an absolute fool if you stayed with him expecting anything to change.

I’m sorry he’s such an idiot 🌷

BackInTheRoom · 20/11/2018 19:40

Sorry but I'm thinking he's still having an affair 🙁

Mumfun · 20/11/2018 19:52

If he doesnt want to change. And shows it by having extensive personal counselling (not marriage counselling) then he wont change.

He only stopped this relationship because she went back to her partner. The next one might be more amenable. So it will progress eventually to a full affair. Read chump lady and dont be a chump: www.chumplady.com/

It is a tough situation being overseas. Start to think about yourself and what is in your best interest longer term.

Get your ducks in a row financially and legally. You need to protect yourself. He is not thinking of you. He is too focussed on other potential options. Think when it is best for you to move back to the UK and make it happen. Start saving some money in an independent account. Make sure you have the kids passports safe.

Joysmum · 20/11/2018 19:52

Also all the articles say more marriages are ended by a wife’s panic than a husband demanding to leave

Panic? I call it self respect! Of course husbands don’t always leave. They’d rather keep their wives working for them and not be the guy when they can look outside the marriage for titivation...just as your husband has already done.

Joysmum · 20/11/2018 19:53

and not be the bad* guy

WeeMcBeastie · 20/11/2018 19:55

You need to get out of this situation, you deserve better! Even if he does ‘come back to you’ do you really want a life wondering what he might be getting up to when you’re not around or worrying if he’ll take a shine to the next new work colleague? Once the trust is gone that’s it. I don’t buy all this ‘stronger after an affair’ bullshit. Anyone who says that is deluded and is wasting their life with someone who really doesn’t give a shit about them. Life is too short, take control of the situation and get rid of him, this can’t be doing your confidence and self-esteem any good.

Justlikedevon · 20/11/2018 20:00

My xh said that, then backtracked and we limped on for a year. He swore he wasnt having an affair - he had been. He carried on the affair the whole year we 'tried'. If I had known then what I know now, I'd never have bothered and saved myself a whole heap of angst. Wishing you well - it's an awful place to be.

Cahu58 · 20/11/2018 20:01

When my ex said this to me he's been having an affair for quite a while....

dontalltalkatonce · 20/11/2018 20:03

'chances are over'. He'd have ditched you for her, you know. Emotional affair, my arse! Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

anonkneemouse · 20/11/2018 20:03

Not proud to admit it but I've used the phrase, I was being unfaithful. I wanted to end it math my then DH and tried to do it without hurting his feelings. Went through counselling etc etc knowing all the while I had checked out of the marriage.

Get your ducks in a row, come back to UK at Xmas and don't go back!

dontalltalkatonce · 20/11/2018 20:10

The only comeback from this is if you accept you're willing to live with someone who cheats. That's fine, really, as long as you realise what you're dealing with. He didn't 'just kiss' her and he told his mates about it and he'd have dropped you for her if she hadn't got back with her partner.

RyderWhiteSwan · 20/11/2018 20:14

So he had an EA, but she went back to her partner. You are put on the back burner. He hangs about in the marriage until the next affair, but makes sure you know he's not that arsed about you Hmm

N0b0dysMot · 20/11/2018 22:19

You could just come back to the UK now, as you're coming back anyway it really is getting on with your life NOW, starting the next phase of your life sooner rather than later. Staying out there with him giving you this bullshit would erode away at you.

N0b0dysMot · 20/11/2018 22:20

If you come back for Christmas and then just don't go back, it will be less stressful.

Orange6904 · 20/11/2018 22:33

4 months, ugh I had 2 weeks of it and it nearly cracked me up until I found train tickets that caught out his lying.

Don't let it drag on like this, it's not fair on you for him to drop this bombshell and then let you worry and wonder.

It's a horrible time, make sure you spend time with friends/family for support or post on here. x

LittleMy77 · 20/11/2018 22:37

Bit of a weird question from me, but how long have you been living in NYC, and are the kids US or UK born?

Asking, as there are very strong custody laws here (NY) that make it v difficult to take kids overseas in the case of divorce or separation once you reside here. I'd look into that before making any decision or plans, as you might end up in a crappy position if you want to take them back before next summer

twattymctwatterson · 20/11/2018 22:48

It actually sounds like you're trying to "win him" back when he should actually be falling over himself not to lose you. The bullshit he's coming out with isn't unique. It's the same old script. He's already tried to have one affair and if he's not still seeing her, it sounds like he's got his eyes peeled for another

Aroundtheworldandback · 20/11/2018 22:56

Word for word what my ex said to me when he was cheating- same as my new dh’s ex wife said to him when she was cheating.

Orange6904 · 20/11/2018 23:06

They do all say the same thing don't they. I had 'I can talk to her but not you'. Funny that, a few days later he was wanting to talk to me about anything.

Original poster
Benjibearsmum · 20/11/2018 23:10

What do you mean? Was he trying to get you back?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 20/11/2018 23:21

Could you look up chumplady.com? Your husband is reading right off the script that people who cheat use. You're desperately clinging to hope that he will come to his senses but he had told you he doesn't want you any more. We all use denial in our lives but it isn't healthy for you to stay with him. Please consider why you think you don't deserve better for yourself.

Dappledsunlight · 20/11/2018 23:25

I think people say this when they are going through the realisation that married life often involves a heck of a lot of compromise and....boredom. They suddenly wake up, as your DH said, realising time is running out and they long for a sexual adventure. Talking about not being "in love " is code for wanting a few thrills and excitement and thinking he'll get it with someone new. This can send people racing off to find someone new, only to discover that the shine on that relationship wears off too after a while. If you can ride the wave together on this one with counselling support, it could serve as a way to strengthen your bond. He needs it made plain to him what lives he could wreck and the regrets he may have as it sounds like he does still love you.

busybarbara · 20/11/2018 23:26

at v least he thinks if single he could meet somone new

It would take someone with very low self esteem to NOT think that, no?

Original poster
Benjibearsmum · 20/11/2018 23:37

Yes that’s what I think - he is in his own therapy as recognises his heads messed up and has committed to joint therapy. I’m not sure if he could be having a physical affair since he is home every night and does not have the kind of job where you could sneak off for a day time quickie. I actually do have Hugh self esteem, funnily enough - but just don’t want to throw in the towel unless I’m totally sure. I’m just going by what Andrew Marshall writes in his books - which is that in his opinion plenty of ppl do come back from this armageddon srituation. Who the fuck knows though. I get it is highly unlikely and when it’s done, I will move on and not loook back.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 20/11/2018 23:39

I think you're being very sensible in how you're thinking about it. You need to be very careful on here. A lot of MNers are keen to split people up and to push the affair card and you need to have some rationality over above you receive here.

Swipe left for the next trending thread