“I love you but I’m not in love with you”

[Benjibearsmum]

So my lovely (so I thought) husband of 14 years said this to me in August, it came out of the blue as I thought we were pretty happy and since then we have been working at our marriage with counselling, getting communication back on track etc. I realise I could throw him out but do not want to do that as I still love him and there is still hope and we have four beautiful children - so obviously I want to do all I can to save the marriage for their sakes (obviously would feel differently if there was any kind of abuse etc - but he is a ‘good’ man). The problem is that while he still finds me attractive and respects and likes me as a person, he is caught in a huge midlife crisis (“I’m 42 and feel my times running out”) and his feelings towards me are not shifting in the right direction at all. He thinks he could be happier with someone else who is “more like him”. It’s heartbreakjng as I fear he will take a great big wrecking ball to everything and in my view our marriage really was mostly good. It’s only 3.5 months since this all came out in the open, though apparently had been brewing for a very long time. Is this still early days? Apparently this is super common. Have any of you been through this? And come out the other end? Could this just be an awful phase? Would be so grateful to speak with anyone who has successfully navigated this sh*tty situation. I really need some hope right now! He is kind and loving to me (albeit distant), but he just “can’t” get his loving feelings back towards me at the moment and doesn’t think he ever will. Will/could that change? Tia x

I can understand you have a lot at stake with 4 children and a husband you still love plus being in another country. It would drive me mad not knowing for sure and waiting and trying until next summer.

I think that in your situation I wouldn't be showing my suspicions to my husband if I could help it. I would use the time between now and next summer to quietly do some digging and try to get proof or lay my suspicions to rest.

Knowledge is power op. When you definitely know where you stand you can take control and decide what you want to do.

Why aren't you angry though? You seem so passive about it all. I'd be furious about those texts he sent his mate, 'chance lost'. That more than the kiss would upset me I think. He was planning an affair

I think you need to be really careful OP. If he does hook up with somebody else (what if this woman changes her mind about her partner?) and decides he’s staying in NY because she’s American and she’s his true love etc etc what then? He could insist you stay in NY you know. You can’t just leave and bring the kids back if you are residing in USA then the kids are resident and there are very strict laws about this stuff. I strongly urge you to go seek legal advice. I’ve read threads on here before and the woman has been utterly screwed by this and not able to go home to family and friends. He’s had an EA. Right now the ball is in your court. If it was me, I’d say to him that I understand he wants to work on the marriage and that’s great but I need some time out to find my feet and work out what I want. As I’m going home at xmas anyway I’ve decided to stay a bit longer so we can get a bit of space and hopefully find the spark again. Then when you’re back, get to a solicitor, file residency, get a house, get kids in school and get your feet firmly back in the UK (if this is where you ultimately want to spend your life). This is really serious and you need to be very clever here. Stop fretting about your kids exams. Lots of excellent schools over here and they’ll be fine. What’s most important is getting out of the USA with them ASAP. If you don’t, you’ll be on here next summer crying “what can I do. I’m not allowed to go home”. I’ve seen it before. If he’s serious about trying with the marriage then he’ll be the one to come back to the uk and work on it from here.

Cawfee has given really good advice

I'm another who thinks cawfree's advice is spot on. I know it's hard, but you've got to think ahead for you and your children's sakes.

Cawfee not cawfree!

If my husband said that to me, I'd be out the door.

You can't just go round saying stuff like that and thinking it's ok.

It smacks of total emotional immaturity. Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment. What he's saying is 'I can't really be arsed doing this any more.'

Mid life crises are pathetic. He 'could be happier' elsewhere? OK, let him go and be happy. I'd be back in the UK with the kids faster than you could blink.

Why are you letting yourself be disrespected like this? Affair or no affair, he's acting like a child. A marriage is a team effort and he's not making the effort.

It seems like all the counselling hasn't convinced him that being 'in love' is not the point of marriage. Its a long haul kind of love and there are ups and downs. He's also confusing 'in love' for the thrill and excitement of an EA (or A). I agree that.You don't need to chuck it in, but you need to give him his freedom and then he decides what he wants. Come back to the UK, start rebuilding and give him the option to join you in the summer if he's over this crisis. If he goes off with someone else, you're already sorted (and the transition to UK for the kids isn't at the same time as breaking up). If he comes back realises how much he's missed you/ kids/ real life, then you get to decide if you forgive him or not and continue in your marriage.

Agree 100% with merry .

You can't put your life on hold for a man who isn't sure if he wants to be with you.

I also agree with Cawfee. I have lived overseas and been active on expat forums. There has been numerous occasions when the wife’s visa has been dependent on the husband’s, they split, she loses her visa, the children don’t lose theirs and the Hague Convention means they stay, she has to go..

Your husband has checked out and will be leaving as soon as he can. You need to find a legal way to get yourself and children back to the UK asap.

Cawfee makes some really good points.

I went through this, OP. You're not alone. I heard the same lines, as well as "I can talk to her in a way that I can't with you." It hurt. Badly. I was determined to fix us so we tried working on us. We worked on our relationship for several months. I was so excited too, I felt like we were making progress and I was also happy he chose me, instead of the 18 year old he found and wanted to be with because she allowed him to experience the things he hadn't as a teenager. Fast forward a few more months and he ended up telling me he had checked out some time back. While I thought we were making so much progress on our relationship, he had been checked out. That hurt as well.

So you're not alone. It's a very hard situation to deal with and it's hard to know the best course of action. You just want everything to go back to the way it was and for the pain to go away.

Whatever you choose, I wish you luck and strength.

And twatty--your comment really resonates with me. I was trying to win my partner back at the time and I see now that it shouldn't have been that way.

Agree with Cawfee too. Get back to the UK ASAP!

I don't necessarily subscribe to the theory he's having an affair, but you need to listen to what he's saying when he says he doesn't know if he'll get those feelings back. It's his ham-fisted way of saying he's already checked out of your relationship, has moved on in his mind and is thinking about a new relationship and life beyond your four walls.

As hard as it will be, you need to take back control of the situation and tell him you can't live like this or put your DC through it and if he's really serious he should go now while it's still amicable enough for you to successfully co-parent.

You deserve someone who loves you with all their heart. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

He has his cake and is eating it too. Because he's uttered those words, it's his excuse if/when he behaves badly. He either professes his love for you now, or he leaves. At the moment he's in control and your life is subject to whatever he wants, whilst you wait patiently for him to change his mind - but there's no reason for him to do so. Give him an ultimatum that forces him to make a decision. You may not like the decision, but better you know something than be stuck in limbo.

Please listen to Cawfee. I didnt need a visa to live in england but when i returned to my home country with DC my h charge me with renoving them from their habitual domicile. Please go now while he agrees to it. Get him to drive you to the airport.

If he's had one affair already and indicated he's at least open to another then frankly he's just using you as a fallback while he sniffs around for some novelty fanny. Don't accept that, and be clear what his behaviour is costing you. "I deserve to be with someone who thinks I'm fucking amazing. Every day I spend with you is a day I'm not with that someone." Turn it around for him, the narcissistic twat.

The problem with 'waiting for him to come to his senses is that you lose sone send respect and confidence along the way.

His chance was over because she got back with her BF... not because he decided to end it.

He had a fling...enjoyed it and wants more. Would he be so forgiving if the tables were turned?

Of course having another woman or man compliment and be into you is a fun ego boost... but for now in your position...I'd focus on yourself and your DC. Get a social life.... spend time on you. Get fit...or stay fit...it's good for your wellbeing.

Look after yourself...don't discuss the marriage unless he brings it up.

Start being the prize that you are.

Google the infidelity 180... take from it what you choose. It's to build you up ... not a tool to manipulate.

Being overseas has given him the taste for something different. When you return it may well be the end anyway. I talk from experience. Many many years ago I went overseas with my then dp (No dc). I wanted to stay at end of 12 months but my dp didn't. I returned but was very resentful and had an affair with a work colleague 9 months later. We had counselling in the middle period. Looking back now I think I handled it all very badly. Luckily we were youngish and no dc. It was still messy and horrible, and basically completely stupid on my part.
I do understand your predicament as it would be hard coming back. It might be worth considering a separation while your there to be made permanent on your return. It's a difficult one. He's definitely imagining a different life path for himself in new York but it's not reality and he knows he can't stay there because he has his dc. He is probably irrationally blaming you for this....

Added to this some US women just love quite average British men in my experience so he's probably getting a bit more attention than he's used to!