oh sugar I can feel how much you're hurting and I'm still very much feeling that way too
they are complete selfish arse holes and I wish that their actions didn't end up hurting so many innocent people
I'm sure that over time the images will fade. and I'm sure that you getting through things like your ds's operation alone will give you the incentive to never want him back. you will prove to yourself you don't need him.
I took ds away alone last week on the family holiday we had planned together. I struggled through the airport with bags, cases, a toddler and pram. I had to ask complete strangers to help me lift the pram up stairs in the railway station. I literally broke my heart crying and sobbed the whole of the first evening.
I felt I couldn't do it alone. but more to the point I didn't WANT to be there alone. I wanted my husband with us.
The next morning I got up, got us ready, and headed into Disney. from the moment ds's eyes lit up seeing minnie mouse as we walked through the entrance I didn't look back. all ds needed was me.
and we had a ball.
even though at times it was hard and lonely. it made me realise that I don't need him. I don't need the person he has become. I will enjoy the love of my child and watch him grow. and over time I will find the person who can love me and be everything I deserve.
it's a tiny step for me. but I hope it helps you to see that gradually, bit by bit, you'll start to realise that you can cope and you deserve much better.
I'm here anytime you want to call or e-mail. I have to go and get ds now. But keep strong. I'm thinking of you xx