I need to talk about what happened at dinner time

[Bellpepper]

This will probably sound so trivial but I need to get my head around why I feel so sapped of energy, anxious and miserable at meal times when DH is around. I'm interested in what others make of this situation that DH appears to think is me behaving like an overly dramatic lunatic:

DH walks in from work, I've been at home with a toddler and baby all day... one of whom is poorly. He tells me he has come home early to relieve some pressure after probably having a stressful day with the children. I think.... wonderful and give him a big kiss.

I am cooking dinner and about to plate up. Baby and toddler are in the lounge.
DH notices he has had an Amazon package delivered and begins opening it. Its some sort of gadget.
I begin plating up and whilst playing with the new gadget DH is telling me about someone at work. I ask DH to set the table, he carries on with gadget, toddler comes in and is around my feet as I'm plating up hot food, DH continues messing with gadget and flips between talking about new gadget and work. I ask him to let me concentrate on what I'm doing and sort the table and the kids.

DH sets the table, gets children into seats. Baby is poorly and eating food whilst gagging a little, I am watching closely, all whilst toddler whines about not liking her dinner and DH? He wants to now tell me about the mortgage. Ive got him on one side of me talking about the mortgage and toddler in the other ear complaining about dinner, I am still watching the baby.

DH complains his food is too rich after saying it looked wonderful and declares hes going for a shit half way through dinner, baby still eating, toddler still complaining and I am reasoning with her to eat.

THEN music begins blaring from the new gadget as DH is sat on the toilet having a shit. He is making loud music come from the gadget on his phone.

Baby still eating and shoving in way too much and gagging, toddler still whining and hasnt eaten a thing.

DH returns, I burst out crying, grab my coat and go for a walk leaving him to sort out the kids, the mess and the first half of bedtime.

What the fuck happened?

You have just had one of 'those' days when looking after two small kids, particularly when one of them is not well becomes overwhelming. Perfectly normal and totally understandable. Have a walk clear your head and then go home.

Don't see that your DH did anything much wrong though. At least he came home early. Who doesn't get excited about new gadgets, I know I do.

Hope tomorrow is a better day

It just sounds like a bad day all round tbh. Monday’s suck

You have indeed had one of those days, and actually DH didn't really relieve anythi g did he? I'm sure the gadget could have waited til after bedtime, so he could actually assist with the children .

It was a bad day and it’s all got too much.

Calm yourself and go home when you’re ready. It’s how your DH responds now that’s important.

Yup sounds like family life in all its glory. Recommend hiding interesting packages/post in future until babies are in bed.

i thought it was
going to be much worse. meh just one of those days!

Well, you were pleased about him coming home early and were expecting actual help, but he didn't live up to the hype.

How are you generally? Doing OK or feeling quite low?

Wow you all have really low standards. Your husband is bloody rude and acting like a teenager, not a fellow parent. It's pathetic behaviour. He needs to grow the fuck up. And women need to stop excusing this piss poor behaviour. Why do you put up with it?

Oh I get you. DH does this too sometimes. It's not that he's wrong to be interested in his gadget or to want to talk to you. But equally it's not wrong that you wanted some assistance with the kids and dinner.

Without knowing anything else about the state of your relationship, I'd say it's a communication issue. Just tell him that when he comes in the door at dinner time it really needs to be about focusing on dinner and kids for half an hour.

That last line wasn't directed to you OP. it was for all the women who think it's acceptable for their husband to come home early to lend a hand and then behave like a rude brat.

I understood Orchid.
DH knows what I need of him when he comes home, we have had many a conversation about it.
I think the most stressful part for me was the actual meal time and everyone battling for my attention. I feel like a sponge who has to soak up everyone else's day, moods, opinions, chatter with no output of my own.

OP read ‘Wifework’ by Susan Maushart. The answer to ‘what the hell just happened?’ lies in that book.
Your DH will think he has been ‘helping with the kids’, whilst in fact you’ve been expected to look after his emotional needs (wanting to talk about work/ finances) as well as care for the two DC and get tea on the table. It’s social conditioning and probably not something he’s even aware of doing, but he needs to know that you are a human being with emotional and practical needs too.
Hopefully when you get home, he’ll realise he’s been insensitive and will apologise and look after you for a bit

I mean outlet

He won't look after me.
He's playing squash tonight with a friend.
I'm a live in babysitter.

I read wifework once... I was eager to get to the end of the book to uncover the solution...

How disappointed was I.

Did he leave the packaging scattered everywhere too? Mine does. Totally oblivious to things that need doing. Or he will ask me what to do, as if we haven't been parents for the same amount of time.

I think my annoyance in a similar situation comes from a vague expectation that the load will be lightened once there are 2 of us. Constant badgering also wears you down. Hugs.

Sounds like you two need to communicate with each other about your needs?

Geez I'd have felt murderous.

DH would come home, occupy DC 100% whilst I was shut in silence in the kitchen to make dinner and recharge...

He was on board until the DC were in. Ed for the night! He did go away a few weekends per year for his hobby but he was hands on and focused when at home with us.

God he sounds like an utter arse. What are you going to do?

He needs to cancel the damn squash game then. Totally unfair to leave you with unwell small children all day and then go out in the evening as well.
Does he ever look after both DC on his own? Do you WOH, and/or have regular time away from home?

Outraged at the prospect of DH going of for a crap in the middle of dinner! Men! Holding it in is the British way to behave, and something of which we should all be proud.

Does he really say, "I'm going for a shit" while you're eating your dinner?

Don’t go home. Let him crack on with the childcare and bedtime.

Men...mines the same...try to take some time for yourself. Have a little me time ....even if it is a little walk in the evening...

It's because you've spent all day dealing with two kids and then he comes home and you realise you've got three. Depressing. A partner is supposed to halve the load but so often they double it. Sympathy OP.