I need to talk about what happened at dinner time

[Bellpepper]

This will probably sound so trivial but I need to get my head around why I feel so sapped of energy, anxious and miserable at meal times when DH is around. I'm interested in what others make of this situation that DH appears to think is me behaving like an overly dramatic lunatic:

DH walks in from work, I've been at home with a toddler and baby all day... one of whom is poorly. He tells me he has come home early to relieve some pressure after probably having a stressful day with the children. I think.... wonderful and give him a big kiss.

I am cooking dinner and about to plate up. Baby and toddler are in the lounge.
DH notices he has had an Amazon package delivered and begins opening it. Its some sort of gadget.
I begin plating up and whilst playing with the new gadget DH is telling me about someone at work. I ask DH to set the table, he carries on with gadget, toddler comes in and is around my feet as I'm plating up hot food, DH continues messing with gadget and flips between talking about new gadget and work. I ask him to let me concentrate on what I'm doing and sort the table and the kids.

DH sets the table, gets children into seats. Baby is poorly and eating food whilst gagging a little, I am watching closely, all whilst toddler whines about not liking her dinner and DH? He wants to now tell me about the mortgage. Ive got him on one side of me talking about the mortgage and toddler in the other ear complaining about dinner, I am still watching the baby.

DH complains his food is too rich after saying it looked wonderful and declares hes going for a shit half way through dinner, baby still eating, toddler still complaining and I am reasoning with her to eat.

THEN music begins blaring from the new gadget as DH is sat on the toilet having a shit. He is making loud music come from the gadget on his phone.

Baby still eating and shoving in way too much and gagging, toddler still whining and hasnt eaten a thing.

DH returns, I burst out crying, grab my coat and go for a walk leaving him to sort out the kids, the mess and the first half of bedtime.

What the fuck happened?

Yes of course he got a notification from Amazon. Doh - should have clocked that.

He is not hearing you because he chooses not to. He simply doesn't care

I feel your pain. I can only relay to you my experience. My dh has routines too. These routines work for him without regard to the needs of others. He also poos like clockwork.

I was speaking to a friend a few weeks ago about my dh and how infuriating he is. She explained her husband has similar behaviours. Both are very intelligent. She thinks her dh may be mildly Aspergers (high functioning autistic) and suggested mine is also displaying some of the characteristics. My fil definitely is undiagnosed autistic so it’s not beyond the realms.

Now idk if my dh is on the spectrum or not. And really it’s irrelevant because I cannot change him. I’m just trying to get less riled with him. And trying to get him to agree to a schedule with dd. It’s hard work because he throws his arms up declaring its impossible. I’m going to need to help make it possible.

What I’m learning is if I can’t get him to agree to something I will have to outsource. So the irony being despite him having a masters in econometrics (maths and economics) I’ve decided it’s going to be easier in the long run to pay for tutoring for my 10 yo.

So what if you just accepted your husband has a routine, which works for him but not for anyone else? And that together you need to create a better routine, which works for the family? Would writing down I think a protocol, which includes his shit and shower time but doesn’t disrupt meal and bedtime work? I know he can’t always predict the former....

What about paying for some me time? Can you afford to put your children in nursery a few hours a week during mat leave?

Judging by your responses, couples counselling is all I can think of. You could go via Relate. You may also find reading the book on 5 love languages useful - it can trick many a couple when they are giving their partner their OWN love language and then wondering why it isn't working and also feel unloved at the same time. Say, maybe yours is acts of servitude (help, though you rightfully have reason to receive that in this situation regardless) and his could be quality time where he's listened to. You both need to schedule each other some time to get what you need.
You, as a separate matter need me time. Leave the kids with him and go walk around the block or go for a quick gym season. Nap. Have a bath. Download the meditation apps where you can do 5/10/30 minute exercises. Whatever. You NEED it. You also need to go out by yourself once a week/fortnight, see friends. Express for that occasion.
You two have communication problems, he either doesn't care or has got to the point where he doesn't know what to do either. However, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. There is no way on earth my DH would ever act this way - if I showed him your post he'd call your husband a selfish kn0b and would want to ball him out (as do I) but we only have your side and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle of both sides.
He needs to learn how to be a dad and fast. I'd be saying I love you but I'm exhausted, see you in an hour!
You deserve better, as do your children. I hope you find your way forward. Good luck and hugs to you.

I think you are knee deep in parenting stress and he is just floating about doing the various parts of his day. His stress and anxiety are not matching yours. You don’t need to be so switched on to your kids throughout the meal but we (usually the) mums find it impossible to relax and switch off. He was relaxed and switched off.

He needs to be more aware of what he needs to do to reduce your load and help you feel more relaxed. But you could also look at how you could let go a little more. I started taking a leaf out of my DHs book recently and not being so switched on to the kids, jumping to their every need, putting them first while I was eating etc. And actually, sometimes I CAN say ‘no, wait for your drink’ and actually take the time myself to eat.

This evening when he walks in - pop your coat on a walk out for some “me” time

Pop to the library, coffee shop and chil

Shout out as you leave, they both need feeding and baths before bed - see you later, got to dash

If he queries, just say - I’ll text you got to dash

sorry OP but he doesn't sound like he cares about you at all.

what does he bring to your life?

I know you can't leave the baby for long but I think you should consider handing the DC straight to him when he gets home - if he's constantly bouncy and noisy, he should be able to cope with that.

then have half an hour walk or whatever to yourself.

then you need to introduce some quiet rules. Maybe you do get sensory overload. So do I. I live alone but having to spend a lot of time at mum's recently as dad was ill and then died. She immediately took on that her normal noisy TV etc was too disruptive for me. It's called basic consideration.

I too think he has absolutely no idea what it’s like to look after two young dc.

At the weekend could you feed your baby then go out? If expressing isn’t working, come back to feed again and then go out again. Tell him you’re doing it, so he knows he has to be free all day.
Just meet up with a friend or go and have a coffee/library/shopping/cinema/theatre etc.

Is he used to having the kids by himself for an extended period? If you've never been a stay at home parent, you can never know what it's like - that includes women who don't have kids too. Leave him with them more often and he might start to get it a bit.

The thing that would have pissed me off the most, was his grand statement that he was there to help in the first place!! That should not be announcement worthy!

He didn’t come home to help. He came home because he knew his new toy had been delivered.

I would hide his new toy until he can have an adult conversation about expectations and what he can do to make it easier for you to have an hour or two to yourself during the week. And not to just assume that you will cook,clean and babysit his children when he chooses to go out.

Have you ever left him alone with the two children more than an hour or so? If not, you should. Tell him on a saturday or sunday you have plans for the day, express milk for the baby and leave him to it. When you come home, do nothing, just sit and talk about your day. The kids will be fine, he will see what happens day to day more clearly without you around. I am telling you this as someone, who did everything to do with the kids and worked (every night feed, every nappy change, for years). I wish I had the balls to do something like this but I never did until the kids got older. Do it once, then make it a routine, for example once a fortnight do something for just you, and leave him to do everything. Only thing you need to make sure before you leave the house is he has enough milk for the baby. Don't make his life easier by preparing meals etc.

See if he sits up and takes a look at what is going on around him. You are resentful, and resent is a killer in a marriage.

what @pudding21 says

BeanieMan what an unhelpful comment. You are spectacularly, missing the point of this thread.

I have come to the conclusion there are a great many men who want a family, but don’t actually like ‘family work’ that much, I used to work in the city years ago and so many men would go off to the bar to avoid being home before 7.30 and yet tell wives they had to work late.

Is that pillock not banned yet?

Oh does he have form bastardkitty?

What a surprise.

Yetmorecrap - a lot of men want a family because it confers status on them. Married men with children are demonstrating their masculinity and virility. They may actually resent their wives being at home like this bloke does but they can join in with the eye rolling and celebrating at work.

And I too have worked with a lot of men (pre children for me) who pretended to work late and/or went to the pub instead of going home and laughed about it with their male colleagues

He usually goes for a shit and a shower straight after dinner and then it's time to do bathtime/bedtime which usually leaves no time for me to leave the house for half an hour to have a bit of time to myself.

Perfect. He can do bath and bed and you can do something for yourself!

Sorry - shouldn't have tagged you in that 1st para YetMore! Was just some additional thoughts that your post prompted. Not a response!