I need to talk about what happened at dinner time

[Bellpepper]

This will probably sound so trivial but I need to get my head around why I feel so sapped of energy, anxious and miserable at meal times when DH is around. I'm interested in what others make of this situation that DH appears to think is me behaving like an overly dramatic lunatic:

DH walks in from work, I've been at home with a toddler and baby all day... one of whom is poorly. He tells me he has come home early to relieve some pressure after probably having a stressful day with the children. I think.... wonderful and give him a big kiss.

I am cooking dinner and about to plate up. Baby and toddler are in the lounge.
DH notices he has had an Amazon package delivered and begins opening it. Its some sort of gadget.
I begin plating up and whilst playing with the new gadget DH is telling me about someone at work. I ask DH to set the table, he carries on with gadget, toddler comes in and is around my feet as I'm plating up hot food, DH continues messing with gadget and flips between talking about new gadget and work. I ask him to let me concentrate on what I'm doing and sort the table and the kids.

DH sets the table, gets children into seats. Baby is poorly and eating food whilst gagging a little, I am watching closely, all whilst toddler whines about not liking her dinner and DH? He wants to now tell me about the mortgage. Ive got him on one side of me talking about the mortgage and toddler in the other ear complaining about dinner, I am still watching the baby.

DH complains his food is too rich after saying it looked wonderful and declares hes going for a shit half way through dinner, baby still eating, toddler still complaining and I am reasoning with her to eat.

THEN music begins blaring from the new gadget as DH is sat on the toilet having a shit. He is making loud music come from the gadget on his phone.

Baby still eating and shoving in way too much and gagging, toddler still whining and hasnt eaten a thing.

DH returns, I burst out crying, grab my coat and go for a walk leaving him to sort out the kids, the mess and the first half of bedtime.

What the fuck happened?

I hope he has helped put the kids to bed.
OP, if you drink, have a glass of something.
It's clear that you are exhausted and overwhelmed from giving so much of yourself and trying to give three persons your attention.
Do you have a hobby/time for yourself outside of the home and away from it all? I hope you do.

i think u need to take up an evenng hobby

Sorry for you OP. My advice is to stop doing everything. His idea of 'helping' you is pathetic.

I would genuinely hand DH a cork and force him to shove his into his arse if he ever stood in the middle of dinner and declared he was heading off for a shit. I'd possibly tolerate it from a toddler and that's about it.

You need to work this out rather than letting it continue - resentment is awful at eating away at your feelings. When have you had time to yourself lately? Do one evening a month, or whatever is manageable, and start being a little more focussed on yourself, not just keeping DH and the DC happy. It's not selfish to need time away, it's self-preservation.

so what happened when you got back

he was absolute crap when he got home, is what happened

he behaved like a third child.

Yep, reading this and nodding along. My dh is just like this, it's totally exhausting.

This is an easy one. Basically, looking after a baby and toddler all day, you feel as though you have little space or time to yourself. Hardly any adult conversation. You probably spend all day looking forward to dh getting home. Then when he does, it feels like a slap round the chops. His intentions are ok, but what you need is to just simply dish out dinner, undistirbed, no crying children. Not because you’re a loon, but just because your day consists of, weeping with kids at your feet. Bathing with kids in with you. Hoovering around kids and toys. Shopping with kids ( never easy). You have 20 cups of cold tea around the house, half eaten lunch, mostly dribbled on or prodded by kids. You realise you haven’t brushed your hair all day or cleaned your teeth as there just hasn’t been the opportunity....but you have shoved a brush around your toddlers teeth.
Dh now home and for a split second, you’re relieved. ‘Thank goodness back up’ Dh plays with new toy, talks about his day ( nothing exciting or new news about your day for you to talk about) You sit down to dinner, but after one fork full, your plate is abandoned as you tend to the little ones. Dh carries on onblivious to the overwhelming feelings you have bubbling away as a result of your day.
I know exactly how you’re feeling. YANBU, but neither is your dh. Try and explain to him how it feels sometimes for you and suggest what would be helpful to you and what it is you need. He won’t have a clue unless you explain it to him. It can be really draining being at home with little ones despite loving them to pieces. It’s no reflection on you. It’s just tough, but a tweak here and there between you and dh will make all the difference. X

I find mealtimes a real crunch point, particularly the evening meal. I've had to make rules. If one parent is plating up, the other has to occupy the children. No phones at the table, no gadgets, conversation that involves the toddler too (so not about the mortgage), and take it in turns to occupy baby. Once he's home he needs to be "on it" until the children are in bed. Alternatively, depending on timing, do the children's tea before he gets home, then he can walk in to play/bathtime, then you eat together later. If he has squash he can get his own dinner/make a sandwich.

Even more annoying when my dh comes home and I am cooking dinner and he decides to fall asleep leaving everything for me to do - the kids, prepare for dinner, cook and then wake him up when its ready [which is a hard in itself]

^ weeing with kids at feet not weeping! Doh

You need to talk to him about lots of things, but the first is differentiating between “ his” time and parent time. Basically me-time can’t happen until all the parenting( or that chunk of it ) has been done.

why should u have to tel a father to help with the kids and stop going on about himself

He’s selfish and lazy and sadly all too typical.

Genuinely, talking to him is a waste of time. He changes his behaviour for 2 weeks and then he's back on auto-pilot.

When I got home I breastfed the baby whilst he continued clearing up downstairs. I then spent 45 mins settling the baby. He was sat on the sofa in his phone when I finally went downstairs and asked "is there a reason why you asked me to play squash a bit later tonight? I'm just sat here waiting to go."

I explain that yes I was going to go out for an hour before you left for a bit of time to myself but Ive had to settle the baby instead.

"Oh"

"Well, you know the new gadget there's an app, if you download the app...."

And then he left for squash.

No mention of me walking out.

He gets bored with our heart to heart talks so I just dont bother.

I think you were both a little wrong to be honest. The gadget thing is annoying, his bad. However, if I came home from work and tried to tell DP about something straight away then it’s clearly important to me. If I got a response to say let me concentrate on what I’m doing, I’d feel really hurt and undervalued.

It sounds like it’s jusf a bad day. He was daft to focus on a gadget when he knows you’ve struggled with the kids, and you were a bit unkind to dismiss his day so easily.

For the poster who said hold in the poo, if I am eating something rich, with cream for example, and my tummy goes, it will literally run right out of me if I do not run to the bathroom.

Just saw the latest update.

I think he’s a twonk.

What happened?

You had the equivalent of three children around you on all sides bouncing up and down going "mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum muuuuummmmmm" and then an insensitive arse made you think of stinking shit while you were eating then same insensitive arse blasted you with loud music that only he was in control of.

That's what happened.

Sensory overload and your mind said "ENOUGH".

Perhaps this can be a turning point. How different would it have been if you had said to him when he came in "great, you dish up dinner and feed the DC, I'm going to have a bath". He would have had one on one time with his children and you'd have got a break. You might wonder if he would have paid enough attention to them both without you there, but he is their father and will never take responsibility if you are supervising.
Change the story of how your evenings go.

Bellpepper "He gets bored with our heart to heart talks so I just dont bother."

do you mean he gets bored with you asking him to behave like an adult?

He was home for dinner though which is good! Many DH I know, including mine, don't get home from
Work till gone 9pm. However, it's almost easier in a way as you get into your routine rather than feeling like the person who is there should be helping but is letting you down.

OP - sounds like you've an awful day! My DH does things like this - I think like PPs have suggested (and I must read this wifework book....) sometimes they just don't get what we need from them, and think they've been amazing just by coming home early or whatever.

Not sure what the answer is - you either nag them to death and get nowhere, or aim for little wins. Sometimes you just have to do as you did tonight and leave for a bit - hope you feel better for it.

The mortgage thing made me laugh. DH works hard physically and usually blobs in front of the TV most evenings then goes to bed early. But twice a week he goes out with his mates (does a hobby) and comes home full of beans, and will start talking about the most complex issues late at night. By which time I've probably spent the whole evening doing chores and just sat down with a book for a quiet half hour - I can assure you he gets short shrift! (He's done this for years but still looks hurt when I'm not enthusiastic about interest rates at midnight!!) Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Just fuck off and leave him with the kids. He's treating you like a housekeeper/maid/nanny. He's an utter shithead

I know where you're coming from OP and I sympathise, my DH is like this; he just doesn't see what he's doing is thoughtless or unreasonable and me pointing it out makes it my hang up about the perceived issue, not a genuine problem. If he does change 'to make me happy' stop moaning it lasts a few weeks then slides a bit etc. until we're back to square one.

Unless i say eg: 'please can you scrape the plates and put them in the dishwasher' he won't do it. Ever. I've known him 18 years. If I ask him he'll do it without complaint but I'm fucking fed up of being the 'home manager'.

At the moment he's in hospital (nothing serious) and I'm having a lovely time. The kids go to bed on time without waiting up for him to come in late from work and be over excited by him, the milk and bread has not unexpectedly run out, I haven't tripped over stuff on his side of the room or had to avoid wee splashed on the floor. There's no lump of annoyance sitting on the other end of the sofa glued to twitter/sport.

I will say this, my kids are older than yours (10 and 7) - please consider what the rest of your life will be like and take appropriate action.

Please say he didn't actually say I'm going for a shit during dinner.