I need to talk about what happened at dinner time

[Bellpepper]

This will probably sound so trivial but I need to get my head around why I feel so sapped of energy, anxious and miserable at meal times when DH is around. I'm interested in what others make of this situation that DH appears to think is me behaving like an overly dramatic lunatic:

DH walks in from work, I've been at home with a toddler and baby all day... one of whom is poorly. He tells me he has come home early to relieve some pressure after probably having a stressful day with the children. I think.... wonderful and give him a big kiss.

I am cooking dinner and about to plate up. Baby and toddler are in the lounge.
DH notices he has had an Amazon package delivered and begins opening it. Its some sort of gadget.
I begin plating up and whilst playing with the new gadget DH is telling me about someone at work. I ask DH to set the table, he carries on with gadget, toddler comes in and is around my feet as I'm plating up hot food, DH continues messing with gadget and flips between talking about new gadget and work. I ask him to let me concentrate on what I'm doing and sort the table and the kids.

DH sets the table, gets children into seats. Baby is poorly and eating food whilst gagging a little, I am watching closely, all whilst toddler whines about not liking her dinner and DH? He wants to now tell me about the mortgage. Ive got him on one side of me talking about the mortgage and toddler in the other ear complaining about dinner, I am still watching the baby.

DH complains his food is too rich after saying it looked wonderful and declares hes going for a shit half way through dinner, baby still eating, toddler still complaining and I am reasoning with her to eat.

THEN music begins blaring from the new gadget as DH is sat on the toilet having a shit. He is making loud music come from the gadget on his phone.

Baby still eating and shoving in way too much and gagging, toddler still whining and hasnt eaten a thing.

DH returns, I burst out crying, grab my coat and go for a walk leaving him to sort out the kids, the mess and the first half of bedtime.

What the fuck happened?

Jesus Christ, he is not a hero for being home to dinner to.... not help, but unload on the op.
My dh can not notice frazzle , I go for the would you like to do x or y, and then I say when anything else comes up ‘I can’t process that , it’s white noise and is driving me out of my mind. I need dinner and table and children ready for dinner, focus. Unless you want to take over.
But I wouldn’t last long if I got the lack of traction the op did. Perhaps you should brief him on what stage dinner and the dc are at,and say I’ll do you a favour and take myself out of your hair while you get it done, and go upstairs / out and leave him to it.

Sorry for you OP. I don’t know if it’s because we had twins first but my DH would feel so terrible if he behavied like this.

Your DH doesn’t need a heart to heart he needs it spelling out unfortunately: he needs to be PRESENT when he’s home, not preoccupied with other shit; he needs to actually PARENT his own children; and he needs to make his own effing dinner if he’s going to complain. Sod that!

Unless you’ve cultivated an environment where he feels like he can’t do anything right at home (and there’s no mention of that scenario in your posts) there’s no excuse for pissing around on his phone when there’s a house to run.

No mention of me walking out.

He's an arse.

How can anyone ignore their wife walking out in tears?

You say he only changes his behaviour for 2 weeks then he;s back to being useless. If I were you I'd find a very good couples counsellor.

That sounds like a really crappy day OP. Think I might have had a few of these when the kids were small.
I agree with leaving him to it - let him take over fully and say that you need a break because you bloody do!
No real advice, just a bit of a hug and hoping you get some support x

This sounds so similar to stuff that happens in our house too. It drives me mad. We have a 6-month-old and two older kids. A classic is DH-ism is when he announces that he’ll be home early so he’ll “be around”. This to me suggests that might be able to help out with things like tea time, bathtime, bedtime. What he actually does is comes back early and then goes into the study and carries on working till late. How is this in any way helpful?! He might as well just stay at work...at least then there’s no expectation that he might help out a bit!

does he ever let u have some time to youself or is it always like this

That sounds mike a tough day.

He sounds very focused on his needs.

zzzzz "He is not offering to help with the children, he is offering company while you do the work."

bit pointless really.....I mean worse, he's not offering company, he's just chucking more stress into the mix.

really surprised by some of the replies here.

but zzzzz, OP says she's had this conversation with him.

all round, he sounds like a selfish pathetic git.

You have three children OP.

Sorry not helpful. I wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

He's not contributing to your family life. He sounds like a teenager sitting and playing on his phone. It's not ok

Sometimes I really do think that maternity should be split
Even if the mum doesn’t want it to be that way, I don’t really see how we can massively change how the majority of men fundamentally think about parenthood otherwise

Just fuck off and leave him with the kids. He's treating you like a housekeeper/maid/nanny. He's an utter shithead

Yep, this. I would consider just fucking off on a permanent basis. He's supposed to be a grown up not a gadget obsessed teenager.

Yeah I'd fuck off on a permanent basis too. It's not like he gives a shit anyway.

Thanks for the support, I really need it.
Having a hobby myself isn't easy at the moment due to breastfeeding. He feeds at around 9.30pm most nights after going to bed around 7.30-7.45 which doesn't leave me a lot of time. I have introduced expressed bottles before for DH to do more but found it faffy this way.

I know it wont be this way forever.

He usually goes for a shit and a shower straight after dinner and then it's time to do bathtime/bedtime which usually leaves no time for me to leave the house for half an hour to have a bit of time to myself.

He often tells me I should get more time to myself but creates no opportunity for this. I definitely feel quite neglected on an emotional/psychological level when the children are babies.

He asks very little of me but I feel like a live-in maid/babysitter as suggested upthread. As if I have no human needs. As if it's my "job" to be content with this. He genuinely thinks I'm having a scream being off on maternity leave with the baby and has once questioned why I get so little "done" in the house whilst hes at work in the past.

He is clueless.

I have decided that when/if I ever feel like this again, I will just make an excuse to the toddler and leave the table/house then resume eating alone once DH has finished and left the table.

He will not listen as he thinks I am too sensitive... he would never ever understand the sensory overload stuff. He himself is very very loud and has no awareness of his volume.

Action appears to speak much more loudly to him than words.

Why do you think you have to put up with this?

“He tells me he has come home early to relieve some pressure after probably having a stressful day with the children. “

OR he has been on ‘Track My Parcel’ and has come home to play with it....

And these DH’s who work til 9pm: why do you think they do this? To avoid dealing with child and baby bedtime.

I doubt he disappeared from the table for a s**t.
He'd had enough of the stressful dinner.
He wanted time alone with his gadget so sat on the toilet with it.

OP he came home to get his package. Amazon emailed him to tell it'd been delivered.
Hey you could write the script.
He's a selfish manchild. Good luck with that!
He wouldn't get away with it with me. Don't be soft

No suggestions, just a bit shocked at the number of women who think this behaviour is perfectly acceptable.

You have three children to deal with and one is poorly, it’s hard parenting on your own - especially when the oldest is demanding of attention.

Try and sort out the attention seeking child

Aww, I would have walked too. He sounds like your 3rd child. Constantly going on like that and switching conversations.

I had this the other week. I just went to sit down to watch 10 minute of Corrie as I’m a really girl, and dh comes in and starts talking AT me about the cctv. I told him to go away, so he slunk our if the room and left me in peace.

You did the right thing walking out to cool down, so he had to step up. I couldn’t cope with someone talking at me when they’re not paying attention to what’s going on around them.

Hope you have a better day today.