Staying at his ex's house on contact weekends?

[Bibidy]

Does anyone have any experience of this? I am finding it difficult but don't have anyone to speak to in real life who can give a measured opinion.

My OH has two children who he sees EOW. We have been together for just over 3 years and are moving in together shortly.

Historically he has picked up the kids on a Friday evening, taken them back to PIL's (where he lives) to stay for the weekend, and dropped them back to their mum on the Sunday early evening. I would go round every couple of weekends to see them and PIL, we'd have lunch or go out for the day or whatever.

However, in September, their mum signed SS up for a weekend hobby and due to the distance between where they live (she moved) and OH's, OH is now spending 90% of his weekends with the kids travelling up there and staying at her house. There is no end in sight for this hobby and I expect it will go on until SS is well into his teens - he's 8 now.

His ex sleeps at a nearby friend's when he stays (which I know is true) but it sounds like she is around the house most of the rest of the time, so he's essentially spending EOW now back as the four of them.

I am finding it really difficult as not only do I think it's unhealthy that my partner is now spending so much time in his old family unit, but it also completely excludes me and I'm now only spending time with him and the kids together every few months.

Does anyone else have experience of dealing with a situation like this? My OH thinks I'm being completely unreasonable to mind at all.

I think it’s pretty unreasonable of her to sign their DS up to a weekend activity where that conflicts with access. Not to mention it’s pretty unreasonable to move yourself and any DC to the point where access only becomes possible with an overnight stay after travel.

However, if your DP won’t put his foot down and/or sees nothing wrong with the situation, then there’s not a lot you can do. I’m afraid it’s likely to be “lump it” or leave him.

No way would I accept this, esp if I was about to move in together, he spends EOW living with his ex, nah.

Why can't he find an Airbnb and spend time on HIS own with his kids; that's seriously fucked up and hugely disrespectful towards you, you don't need to suck it up, there are other ways of him spending time with his kids, without living back with his ex!

Thanks ladies, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in being bothered by this.

My OH got really angry when I brought it up a couple of weeks ago, said it was just about SS being able to do his hobby and not miss out, and I was out of line. I understand he wants to allow SS to have the opportunities he'd have if his family was still intact, it's not and surely pretending it is every other weekend is just asking for trouble?

I understand he wants SS to be able to do his hobby but I am so surprised that he doesn't understand why it's a problem for me that he's spending most of his time with his kids with his ex now. Plus the fact that it's basically relegated me to someone who only sees the kids on special occasions, like a family birthday where they have to come to PILs.

He can't afford to get a hotel or Air bnb up there, which is why he doesn't.

I feel really upset today since I found out he's going there again this weekend, and for part of the next contact weekend after that too. I don't feel like I can say anything after his reaction last time.

Hold on, who does he currently live with, his ex's parents???

I'd highly doubt the ex moves out her bedroom EOW and stays with a friend whilst he lives in her house either; I think you are being completely duped.

No, he lives with his own parents.

Sorry, I say PILs for sake of ease. PIL = my 'PILs'.

So how often do you see him on the weekend?

Phew, I read PILs?

Nope still wouldn't agree to this arrangement; Airbnbs for 2 nights EOW is not going to break the bank, he must have plenty saved up if he lives with his parents at his age no?

So you move in together but EOW he's going to be staying over with his ex, nope, not for me, don't know any woman who would agree to this tbh.

Hrm. How old is DSS? I do think as kids get older they will be less happy about EOW being spent away from home, they will want to do hobbies, those things will be important to them. It isn't reasonable, long term, for your DSS to effectively be unable to commit to something like a sports team, or youth theatre, as he has to go and hang out with his dad and grandparents. By the time he's a teen he's going to really resent that.

So I think the solution is not to kick off and get SS to drop the hobby but work out how to manage this now. Did the ex move away with the kids or did your DH move away? Would she be open to your DH not having EOW but maybe having them for longer in the holidays? Will you and your DH always live miles away from the kids or is moving closer realistic?

He is totally out of order and he will think you are a mug not saying anything. Would he like it if you spent by every other weekend with your ex? How horribly confusing for the children as well.

My parents used to stay over at each other’s houses for contact when I was a child. We also went on holidays together. It wasn’t weird, so I don’t necessarily think that’s a problem. But if he’s seeing him EOW (my dad thankfully never saw me that often!), and you two don’t live together and have no dc, it sounds like the wise thing to do is to either alter contact so that he can have him at your home together when it doesn’t conflict with this activity (if possible), or you need to move closer, even if it means changing jobs or commuting. It’s not a sustainable arrangement in the long term.

I think the issue here is that the parents have decided to live too far away from each other. It isn't fair to expect teenagers to spend every other weekend away from their hometowns but I also totally understand why this situation is not acceptable to you. Is there any scope to live closer? We live a 10 minute walk from dps ex. I probably wouldn't have chosen to live here but it makes things so much easier as their children can maintain their social lives and drop by whenever they want to.

Unfortunately if this wasn't resolved I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship. It's a shit set up and you are supposed to be a family now. If he can't see it from your side he is just plain selfish.

OP - you trying to make it about you is understandable - we all tend to put ourselves in the center - but it ISNT about you spending time with your bf....
He is doing the right thjng for his kid. The poor child don’t need to be ferried around on the weekend, and if he wants to do the hobby on a Sat - and it’s his father’s visiting day - then a good father will do exactly that, be there for the child.

You have your bf all other days, and soon will be living together.
Please don’t come between him and his son. It’s not the kid’s fault adults broke up.

Of you think you can’t trust him not to be all over his ex - or any woman for that matter - you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

He has a family and that includes his ex. They will always be and rightly should be his first priority.

If you can't deal with that, then you're in the wrong relationship.

You want to be No 1 in someone's life, don't choose a man with a family.

Thanks everyone.

It's really difficult because I also don't think it's fair for SS to miss out on something he wants to do because he 'has' to visit his dad, but at the same time I just think this current approach isn't right and they should be exploring swapping weekends where possible or OH only going up there is it's a 'special' hobby day, like an important show/game, rather than anything that happens to fall on his weekend.

OH is just trying to be a good dad and let his kids do want they enjoy, but I also think he's got his head in the sand about the realities of being in a separated family.

To answer some questions:

• SS is 8 and is fairly blase at the moment, he would 100% choose coming to OH over doing his hobby EOW but OH doesn't want him to have to make that choice, which I do understand;

• SS's mum moved away to be nearer her own family when she and OH split, and moving closer is not an option as they live in a fairly rural area and very far from the rest of OH's family and mine;

• OH would never want to change the EOW to less frequently to accommodate SS's hobby so that's not an option. Tbh I wouldn't expect him to do this either;

We just spoke about it again and I told him it's very difficult for me as I feel very excluded now and I don't see how this approach is going to work going forward given that SS could potentially want to continue this hobby for the next 10 years. He said he understands what I'm saying but he doesn't know what the answer is as he doesn't want to tell his kids that they can't attend birthday parties/do their hobbies when they're meant to be with him.

It just seems like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand what my OH is feeling but I also think that there has to be some understanding of the realities of being in a separated family - especially one that lives far apart - which is is that there will be some missing out sometimes.

You have your bf all other days, and soon will be living together.
Please don’t come between him and his son. It’s not the kid’s fault adults broke up.

MMmomDD I absolutely do not want to come between him and his son and never would want that. I also don't think think it's about me spending time with my boyfriend - as you quite rightly said, I do spend a lot of time with him.

Op there are some posters on here who will do their best to convince you that being in a relationship with someone who has children means that your feelings are worthless and you have to tolerate situations that they themselves would never tolerate. Please don't take that on-board.

Would a solution be that you sometimes join him for the weekend?

Agree with what @pikapikatink said.

Thanks Pika.

I would happily join him for the weekend but obviously not to stay in his ex's house. Maybe that is something I could suggest sometimes for the future?

Another concern is that while SS was old enough to process the split when it happened and understands that his parents are no longer together, there is also a younger SD who is too young to remember OH ever living at home.

And now all of a sudden she's got her mum, dad and brother all under one roof EOW. So now 90% of the time she sees her dad she's with her mum too, something she's never had and is likely not to want to give up.

I just don't think this is representing the realities of the situation and it's just asking for trouble. Especially for me, who's obviously going to be blamed when she realises that daddy goes and stays at mummy's unless Bibidy is around!

I think maybe this just isn't going to work for you. You either have to accept this situation or not. Personally if I was child free myself, I wouldn't want to continue this situation. This will be going on for the forseeable future. You can't ask him not to see his kids, and if he won't take you up/get an airbnb then he is basically shacking up with his ex EOW which is not fair on you.

I think this is a big crossroads for you. There are other men out there. Don't put up with this situation if it will only make you miserable.

OP - you keep saying ‘they need to understand the reality or separated families’ but equally - YOU need to understand and accept thw reality of dating a man who has children in a previous family.

And while your feelings are of course valid - for you, they aren’t the priority.
You seem to have a lot of opinions and preferences about how they need to organise visits and what’s best. But - it’s not YOUR place. You aren’t the parent of these children. Frankly - you need to keep those opinions to yourself.
When you say that the little girl shouldn’t see her dad and her mom in the same time, because somehow it would be vad for her - it only makes you sound manipulative and controlling.
Like you want to use any argument to make sure BF doesn’t want to spend more time there. And like you feel that you need to remind the little girl of thre fact that mom and dad aren’t together.
She knows. And she won’t be confused.

If you don’t let go and keep trying to manipulate/control the situation - nothing good will come out of this. You’ll be unhappy and will make your bf unhappy.

Hi OP, my DP has 2DSS.
Their mum moved to a new area, as she met some guy and after a few weeks decided he was the one. (That’s besides the point).
This was over a hour away from us. There is no option to move closer either, as my DP is self employed and his work is local. Plus our family and other work commitments are here.
Obviously DP ex has a new partner, but I know for sure DP wouldn’t stay at hers even if she didn’t. Plus I would condone this, as it just wouldn’t sit right.

Now to the point... we had the same issue with the “hobby” and felt cruel taking the DC away from this. We had DC EOW, and once during the week. We changed the access arrangement to Every Friday evening - Saturday tea time, and not during the week and full weekend EOW. DC now attends his hobby close to our home, so we can take him EW. Yes, this cancelled out our time together, but DC is happy, DP is happy and EX is happy. We still get Saturday / Sunday together EOW and all the time during the week. Plus travelling is easier as this is at weekend, so we don’t have to stress to fit it around work commitments.

We recently had a “situation” where DCs where invited to a birthday party of a school friends. We sat them down, explained it was in our time, and asked them what they wanted to do? We said they could go back to EX earlier (Sunday tea time (meant to be with us until Monday)) or miss the party, as we couldn’t travel back and forth. (3hours). They said it was ok to miss. We got their friend a present, explained to the parent the distance. They brought them party bags in to school, and the SDC gave their friend a present. All happy.

I think what I’m trying to say, is can you not move the hobby closer to you? And change the access arrangements to accommodate? With some flexibility for parties etc?