Staying at his ex's house on contact weekends?

[Bibidy]

Does anyone have any experience of this? I am finding it difficult but don't have anyone to speak to in real life who can give a measured opinion.

My OH has two children who he sees EOW. We have been together for just over 3 years and are moving in together shortly.

Historically he has picked up the kids on a Friday evening, taken them back to PIL's (where he lives) to stay for the weekend, and dropped them back to their mum on the Sunday early evening. I would go round every couple of weekends to see them and PIL, we'd have lunch or go out for the day or whatever.

However, in September, their mum signed SS up for a weekend hobby and due to the distance between where they live (she moved) and OH's, OH is now spending 90% of his weekends with the kids travelling up there and staying at her house. There is no end in sight for this hobby and I expect it will go on until SS is well into his teens - he's 8 now.

His ex sleeps at a nearby friend's when he stays (which I know is true) but it sounds like she is around the house most of the rest of the time, so he's essentially spending EOW now back as the four of them.

I am finding it really difficult as not only do I think it's unhealthy that my partner is now spending so much time in his old family unit, but it also completely excludes me and I'm now only spending time with him and the kids together every few months.

Does anyone else have experience of dealing with a situation like this? My OH thinks I'm being completely unreasonable to mind at all.

I think @Op4567 has hitter nail on the head. It is not reasonable for him to live at his ex’s for the weekend and it is not tenable. She will get a partner at some stage and then what ? It will become an even bigger mess. The children are the priority and should have been right from the beginning of the separation. The parents should not have put such distance between themselves and now need to resolve in a way that works long term. This is not it. They are both taking the piss out of you. Because there will be a way.

If the hobby is important he could do it near where you live. Remember it’s just a hobby and he is 8. It could be all over in months and it won’t be that serious. A viable and tenable relationship with their father is more important.

YOU need to understand and accept thw reality of dating a man who has children in a previous family

Frankly - you need to keep those opinions to yourself.

These comments stood out to me.

I am with a man with a separated family so I think I am qualified to comment on the reality of it.

Standing back, not voicing any opinions on things which directly affect my well-being isn't it and shouldn't be for the OP. No-one in any healthy relationship should ever be expected to just accept things that hurt them and be unable to voice their feelings.

FGS, an Airbnb accommodation for two nights EOW would not break the bank, would that not seem much better, it would keep you happy, you could stay there too and he wouldn't have to be bunking up with his ex wife all the time, which is ridiculous; I doubt most people who separate do this, what happens when Ex finds a boyfriend, doubt he'll be up for that, esp if she stays over at a friends house every time your OH stays (bullshit btw).

If he wants a LTR with you then he needs to show that to you, and to others, how bloody embarrassing explaining the man you live with lives wih his ex EOW, honestly.

My kids don't like going to their dads and being away from their own room, friends, hobbies, parties etc. I also let dh stay here sometimes and I stay elsewhere. I actually hate giving up my home and seeing him lounging around on my sofa watching tv when there's an avalanche of laundry etc especially as he gets every weekday evening off when I'm up to my neck in childcare. I hate that he just swoops in and does the easy fun stuff and I literally clean up the crap all week. I suspect your dh ex may also prefer this wasn't the set up and prefer your dh not to be hanging around her house all weekend but does it because it's best for kids and better they see their dad than not. I bet the kids would hate to be dragged to an airbnb. Most hobbies don't last but even so the kids do get fed up being ferried back and forth. My oldest ds has his own social life and doesn't want to be giving up his weekends he expects his dad to come to him. If he didn't come ds would just choose to see his dad a lot less. We don't spent the time being a Cosy family unit, I try and keep out the way / do diy and spend most of the time biting my tongue about the stuff dh does that annoys me and is the reason we didn't work in the first place.

@PikaPikaTink

Fine. Maybe the words I used were too strong...
OP - can of course have her opinions and voice them.
However, it still stands - that the way she is doing it comes out as self-centered and demanding.

OP’s bf relationship with his children is his priority and responsibility. And decisions on what’s best lie primarily with the divorced parents.
OP is making sweeping statements on what’s best for the children she isn’t related to, and given that she isn’t an independent observer in this - it looks like the OP is trying to create a world that optimises and protects HER position.

If I were divorced, and someone I dated would try to manipulate/manage my time with my kids - i’d Run.

I don't understand how this will work in the long-term anyway!
What if you want DC.
So they don't see their father at weekends.
And they never get to meet their siblings.
Honestly, the resentment will build and this will be your future for a long time.
Don't waste this time.
I certainly wouldn't moving in with him.
I'd probably want to see how it pans out over the next 6 months and then make my decision.

@MMmomDD I would say that by choosing to live far away from each other the parents have not put their children first. As you say, the OP isn't related to them yet she is expected to put the children first when the parents haven't.

If I were divorced, and someone I dated would try to manipulate/manage my time with my kids - i’d Run.

I think most people would run from someone who lives with their ex every other weekend. The OP isn't being manipulative. She is just rightly refusing to let her partner discount her feelings.

I think its unbelievable that he cant see your side OP.
He sounds like he really lacks understanding of your feelings and is really self centred.
For this alone would be enough to put me off of a partner.
I wouldnt move in with him if I were you Op being a step parent can be really difficult, if he lacks the maturity to understand and accept you have feelings you can be assured things will get no better the longer this relationship goes on and other problems arise with the ex and the kids.

The decision ok where to live with the children was taken before OP was even on the scene.
And OP said it was because of where exW’s family lived - and I also presume it was for the quality of life - nice rural place....
EOW the father stays - I presume for one night - in the house and his ex - goes to her friends.
And it’s a recent thing and to allow his little boy to do a hobby on a weekend....
Who knows how long that hobby would even go on.

OP’s comments are driven by jealousy and insecurity. And the thing is - if he can’t be trusted not to jump into his ex’s bed at any opportunity - there isn’t a future in the relationship.

His kids benefit from this arrangement. And they don’t need to be ferried around.
And of OP can’t put the kids feelings before hers - AND - if she fundamentally doesn’t trust her bf to resist temptation twice/month -
There IS No future.
She needs to find a man w/o baggage

OP I think you need to reconsider your future with this man. I wouldn't be moving in with a man that get really angry when you express your feelings on a subject that affects you too.

be dragged to an airbnb

Hardly dragged, it's just a base for god's sake; I don't believe for a second the wife is staying at a friends home EOW either.

Been using Airbnb for years, absolutely nothing wrong with it, it gives you your own space, you are not impinging on anyone and you are standing on your own two feet like an adult's supposed to.

It's not tenable to keep this system going, how on earth with EX wife have a relationship with her ex husband lying about her house EOW, so fricken stupid, down to pure laziness, nothing else, unless of course they both enjoy spending EOW together....OP, be very careful, you've only been with this guy for 3 years and look at the state of things, are you really going to move in with him whilst he spends EOW at her place.....I'd think really hard about that one.

Your partner's family will be in his life forever. The kids are going to be a big part of his life for at least another 15 years - and from the sounds of it, he will be at the beck and call of his ex for all of that time. The fact that she signed DS up for this weekend hobby shows a lack of interest in you or your needs - she basically ensured that your partner will be coming over to her place for years to come. I don't think I'd be willing to live like this - nothing is going to change and you'll continue to feel the way you do for the next decade or so.

Ultimately this problem has occurred because the parents are putting their desire to live in a particular place above the needs of the children. There are many solutions to this that don’t involve the child having to give up his hobby - one or both of them moving house, varying the contact days without reducing contact time, the OPs partner getting an Airbnb nearby yet the OPs partner has decided to take the solution that hurts her because it is cheaper/less hassle for him.

it's a strange one indeed folks

The problem with this situation is that as a step parent your views on what choices and decisions the children’s parents are making are not relevant to them. The harsh reality is that this is your opinion of the situation, which isn’t the same as your views being the right or wrong way of doing what they are doing. What the parents are doing impacts on you and your view is it’s not good for the DC.
The parents of the DC do not agree with you. It is what you do now that will be best for you. It is very hard to make parents change their mind about something that is related to their child even if it seems rational to you

Your DP would rather upset you than upset his ex. Don’t move in with him and think hard about whether you really want to be with a man who isn’t prepared to discuss your concerns without getting angry.

Ask him if he minds the next time he is away you invite your ex over to spend time with you!

The problem with this situation is that as a step parent your views on what choices and decisions the children’s parents are making are not relevant to them.

DP always asks for my input on big decisions, particularly if they affect me.

I had a very similar situation with my ex. The jealousy tore me apart as I constantly imagined what was going on when he was staying there. After several years I had my worst fears confirmed; he had been sleeping with her throughout the whole of our relationship. But it was ok according to him as it wasn't "all the time" and he said his heart wasn't in it. I wish I could turn the clock back.

cant the access days just change slightly. It might not be practical but... He can still see them EOW but would it be possible collect them on the Saturday morning before the hobby, take DS to hobby and spend time with sibling at park/ play area etc. drive back to your PIL sat afternoon / evening and then take them back home to their mum on Sunday night?

He loses Friday night but still sees them EOW and to make up for it he can look at having them for longer in the school holidays etc?

Or shake it up even more and air b&b once per month and take them back to his parents on the other weekend. it really is only 26 weekends to work out per year and he can AirBnB for 13 of those and have shorter weekends on the other 13?

OP, you might not want to hear this but I think he's doing the best thing for the child. He sounds like a wonderful father and he's right to make it his priority. Can't you go with him when he visits SS? If not, then maybe the relationship isn't going to work in the long term. Sorry

@brightstarryky wouldn't the best thing be living closer to the child?

Just not adding up really, why did the EW sign him up to a hobby near her when she knew your OH had custody that weekend; what did she think was going to happen?

Is it really impossible for him to drive one hour there and back, am I right in thinking she's an hour away, is that so out of the question, surely better than him sleeping over at hers all weekend.

Your other issue of course is the fact your partner of 3 years thinks you are being unreasonable, you are not at all; just wondering if the ex has motives to keep you both apart, if she has, your OH seems happy enough to go along with it.

Maybe she doesn't want a new relationship or to sleep with her ex dh. I certainly don't want either which is why I can tolerate having dh around the house. We don't live far away (dh moved 20 mins away) but we have disabled kid and teen who likes to go out with mates. Dads area is boring and his rented house is cold and kids hate going there. They would probably also not like sharing dh with a partner every weekend. DH relationship with kids is already much less close because he doesn't do the ordinary day to day stuff and is just a weekend dad. It is a totally different relationship and I wouldn't want to reduce contact any further. I would find your situation difficult but being on the other side of it I can assure you there's nothing sinister we are just putting the kids needs first. I also wouldn't blame a single mum moving near a support network as presumably your dh isn't helping out with the school run or reducing his work hours to help her out during the week. You seem to blame the ex wife as though she's being deliberately difficult maybe she just wants her kid to make friends locally or he has a talent she wants to develop. Why should it be the kids who make the sacrifices none of it is their fault.

I don't think the kids should make any sacrifice whatsoever; I think the man should; if that means driving more, renting an Airbnb, whatever it takes, in order to see his children as well as being able to forge a LTR with the OP; other separated couples manage it?

I think him staying over at the EW home could also confuse the kids, is he coming back for good or is he not......I'd have some sympathy for him if it was maybe a year or so down the line but he's been with the OP for 3 years, I still think it's weird she signed up the child to a hobby knowing he'd have to stay over to see child, just weird.

I still think it's weird she signed up the child to a hobby knowing he'd have to stay over to see child, just weird.

I assumed it was a weekly hobby. Most of the hobbies I did as a kid had weekly meet ups - sports teams, dance class, youth theatre etc.