Staying at his ex's house on contact weekends?

[Bibidy]

Does anyone have any experience of this? I am finding it difficult but don't have anyone to speak to in real life who can give a measured opinion.

My OH has two children who he sees EOW. We have been together for just over 3 years and are moving in together shortly.

Historically he has picked up the kids on a Friday evening, taken them back to PIL's (where he lives) to stay for the weekend, and dropped them back to their mum on the Sunday early evening. I would go round every couple of weekends to see them and PIL, we'd have lunch or go out for the day or whatever.

However, in September, their mum signed SS up for a weekend hobby and due to the distance between where they live (she moved) and OH's, OH is now spending 90% of his weekends with the kids travelling up there and staying at her house. There is no end in sight for this hobby and I expect it will go on until SS is well into his teens - he's 8 now.

His ex sleeps at a nearby friend's when he stays (which I know is true) but it sounds like she is around the house most of the rest of the time, so he's essentially spending EOW now back as the four of them.

I am finding it really difficult as not only do I think it's unhealthy that my partner is now spending so much time in his old family unit, but it also completely excludes me and I'm now only spending time with him and the kids together every few months.

Does anyone else have experience of dealing with a situation like this? My OH thinks I'm being completely unreasonable to mind at all.

This is a really interesting post and a situation I am in.

My exh has his contact weekends with our children in my home. It's not the ex marital home as I sold that and bought something else for me and the children. However for a number of reasons we have always done contact this way. He comes every other weekend and stays here with the children.

He sleeps in the spare room.

Sometimes I am home, sometimes I'm not.

We have been separated years now and this arrangement has always worked for us and the children.

If any partners on either side didn't like it then I'm afraid they would have to lump it! Our arrangement is perfectly amicable for us and it works for the kids who don't know anything else!

It means the children carry on with their lives, seeing friends, doing hobbies, going to parties etc. regardless of whose weekend it is.

I don't see how it is confusing for the children. They know their dad doesn't live with us but he comes and sees them on his weekends....

Did u not imply the sofa 🤫

I get some folk are happy with this but please don’t confuse others who are not accepting of it are in some way trying to disadvantage the children, it’s just not true.

Couples who agree to this set up and say tough if any new partner doesn’t agree with it are also fine but some of us would not and will not agree to a set up that fundamentally we disagree with due to our beliefs and values.

The OP never started out in this arrangement the ex decided to change the whole dynamic.

What happens if you have kids with him ?

Can he not pick his children up after hobby on a Saturday every weekend and bring them back Sunday evening ?

What values and beliefs are compromised here? Two people are mature enough to have an arrangement that works well for their children.... how can that possibly impact on your beliefs and values?!

Change, sorry you are unable to see another point of view but each to their own.

@Adora10

What Beliefs and Values?????

Thou shalt not be present in the old marital home with the Ex or you’ll be led astray (To the old bed)?

😳

Yeah ridicule anyone who does not agree with you MM; I am quite happy in my beliefs and my worth.

I also would have too much respect for my partner to make him feel shit whilst I bunk up EOW with my ex husband.

I wouldn't be ok with this. They made the decision to end their marriage and he made the decision to enter into a new serious relationship. He has also involved you with the kids.

Making a decision without consulting or considering your feelings is a very bad sign.

I would have to reevaluate the relationship.

Adora

Not ridiculing. Honestly interested what beliefs and values put interests/feelings of a girlfriend of 3 years over interests of a child.

For me - children come first. They take priority.
Adults need to adjust around that.

My children have and will always come first regardless of what you say 👌

Sometimes arrangements that worked when the separated parents are still single need to be thought through again when there is a new partner on the scene for one of them. My DSis has a DSS, he was 9 years old when she met his dad. He was the main carer and continued to be after they married (actually, it was my DSis who was the main carer really!).

Before she cams into their lives, he and his ex used to spend Christmas Day together jointly with their DS, and they were both happy with the arrangement. His ex MIL used to have a key to his house, as she was very much involved with helping him bring up his DS.

When my DSis moved in, certain arrangements had to change. It didn't mean that they weren't putting her DSS's needs first; he continued to live with them the majority of the time. They just had to rethink the contact arrangements, and the adults involved managed to work it out without creating unnecessary drama.

This can be resolved, the contact arrangements just need to be thought through so that your DP has regular contact with his DS, but his ex's home isn't the best place for that to happen. It won't continue once his ex has a new partner anyway.

Ex might not get a new partner! OP it's not good that your DP gets aggressive when you tell him your feelings about this new scenario.
How would he like it if you stayed at your exes every weekend?
I agree that it's lazy parenting, it pushes the two of you apart, and him And his ex together, and is confusing for the children.
I would probably end the relationship due to how insecure and sidelined it would make me feel. (Been there!!)

Agreed, it's not good that he gets aggressive when you tell him how it makes you feel. My DH is really understanding and does get that the situation is very hard on me. If your DH is happy to have a LTR alongside this arrangement then he needs to be considerate of your feelings too. In my situation there is simply no alternative solution but his understanding goes a long way in making things a bit easier on me

Wow, thanks for all the responses, I wasn't expecting so many!

To clarify a couple of things:

• His ex's house is not the marital home, my bf has never lived there. It's a new location to which she moved 6 months after they split;

• His ex does definitely stay elsewhere for the nights as I have seen messages between them asking if SD went to sleep OK, how is she this morning etc etc;

As others have commented, I am not sure his ex thought it properly through when she signed SS up for something that involved a regular weekend commitment, but then it's also not fair if he can't do anything like that because his parents chose to split. The problem is it's a sport that involves training in the week and then all games happen at the weekend, so it's not really something he could also do at his dad's locally on the weekends he comes down. Initially it was intended that SS would just miss EOW but it has turned out that there aren't games every week so sometimes if he misses one it means there isn't another for 2 or 3 weeks.

BF and I spoke about it again and he has been a lot more understanding after reflecting on it. He says he can see why I feel the way I do but he doesn't know what the right answer is...that obviously it's not a long-term solution but it's a fairly new hobby and SS may not even want to continue down the line (although tbh, it's pretty certain he will want to). It's very difficult because he's not wrong to feel how he does and I'm not wrong to feel how I do but there isn't an easy compromise.

I've just looked into Travelodges etc and unfortunately it's not £30, it looks more like £150 for each stay unless they could be booked far in advance, but the schedule for the games only comes out about 3 weeks ahead of time so that's not really any use.

I don't know. Seems like a rock and a hard place but at least we're talking more collaboratively about it now.