Staying at his ex's house on contact weekends?

[Bibidy]

Does anyone have any experience of this? I am finding it difficult but don't have anyone to speak to in real life who can give a measured opinion.

My OH has two children who he sees EOW. We have been together for just over 3 years and are moving in together shortly.

Historically he has picked up the kids on a Friday evening, taken them back to PIL's (where he lives) to stay for the weekend, and dropped them back to their mum on the Sunday early evening. I would go round every couple of weekends to see them and PIL, we'd have lunch or go out for the day or whatever.

However, in September, their mum signed SS up for a weekend hobby and due to the distance between where they live (she moved) and OH's, OH is now spending 90% of his weekends with the kids travelling up there and staying at her house. There is no end in sight for this hobby and I expect it will go on until SS is well into his teens - he's 8 now.

His ex sleeps at a nearby friend's when he stays (which I know is true) but it sounds like she is around the house most of the rest of the time, so he's essentially spending EOW now back as the four of them.

I am finding it really difficult as not only do I think it's unhealthy that my partner is now spending so much time in his old family unit, but it also completely excludes me and I'm now only spending time with him and the kids together every few months.

Does anyone else have experience of dealing with a situation like this? My OH thinks I'm being completely unreasonable to mind at all.

Do you have children of your own?

Do you want any?

What age are you?

These are factors in deciding whether to tolerate the situation IMO?

If you're a bit younger..then I wouldn't hang around. I'd also no want to be living with him...so moving in would be off the table.

Did his Ex discuss this hobby before signing SS up?
Because if she didn't...and he just accepted it...chances are similar issues will arise in the future.

I suspect he'll do whatever she wants...if that wasn't the case...she wouldn't have signed SS up for a hobby without consultation.

Do you want her to have this kind of impact on the rest of your life and relationship?

Think carefully about the future of this.

Are you kidding me? EOW he stays with his EW in her house overnights for contact?

Not a chance in hell I would stay in this relationship. Their relationship is completely and entirely unboundaried. I know absolutely no person (male or female) who would be accepting of their partner shacking up and playing house with an ex EOW. It’s also very confusing for the children.

He is free to do it if he wants but it’s very selfish of him. Cake and eat it comes to mind. Im sorry but I categorically would not be moving in with him. I’d not put myself through this every fortnight, it’s a miserable way to live and his expectation that you should be ok with this has red flags all over it. What are you getting out of this arrangement?

If I were divorced, and someone I dated would try to manipulate/manage my time with my kids - i’d Run.

You are deliberately muddying the waters here. The OP is not manipulating time with the children. She was perfectly fine when the set up involved him being at his parents.

How anyone thinks this set up is healthy for anyone involved is beyond me!

You are deliberately muddying the waters here. The OP is not manipulating time with the children. She was perfectly fine when the set up involved him being at his parents

How anyone thinks this set up is healthy for anyone involved is beyond me!

totally agree

I agree but the issue is the parents don’t agree with OP’s views and want to do what they have chosen. And OP can only state her case to them, but unlikely to influence their views

Not muddying the water at all.

OP is demanding an equal power (at a min) in the decision concerning her BF and his children time together. And she has no standing for that. Not yet, anyway.

Parents take priority. They know better what is right for their specific children. Even if these parents are divorced.

If OP wants to have any chance to one day be a proper family unit with her BF - her attempt as stating her case this strongly now - demanding changes and things going her way - All of those demands will hurt any chances of this relationship surviving.
Her BF seems like a good father and is unlikely to give in to OP’s suggestions that are thinly veiled in jealousy and selfishness.

It’s zero to do about power and the fact that you say that makes me think you potentially don’t understand healthy boundaries.

It is not healthy boundaried behaviour to set up home with your EW and DC EOW. It’s not healthy for the children (who deep down WILL be hoping that this means mummy and daddy get back together, it’s what every child wants).
The OP’s reaction is entirely healthy, entirely ‘notmal’ and nothing to do jealousy and selfishness.

The only person being absolutely selfish is her Partner and she’d do good to leave him to his own devices and let him crack on with playing house with the ex mrs. Not any person with self respect would accept this set up. Male or female.

Can’t actually believe folk are presenting this as a normal situation when it’s all shades wrong and on the basis it’s good for the children.A couple that have split up and dad has a girlfriend of 3 years and no doubt mums had at least one boyfriend in that time but yet dad goes home EOW and stays in the family home and mum stays with a friend round the corner which is total bullshit btw, she doesn’t leave her bed to go make room for her ex.

How bloody confusing for those children and then you have the girlfriend abandoned EOW and excluded from him and his time with his children like she’s not worthy, utterly depressing and worrying that any sane person can advocate such a fucked up situation, only person benefitting from this is the man cos he doesnt have to actually put his own life in order and provide a safe and homely environment for his kids, he just uses his ex’s house just like he’s been using his parents home to provide his needs.

Grow the fuck up mr and stop expecting everyone else to run your life.

Sounds like an awful situation for everyone involved. Poor children must be so confused.

I think air bnb EOW is the only option. Either that or he talks to his ex about SS doing the hobby in the week.

My ex lives far away and has the DC EOW. I do sympathise with the exW as it is a pain in the arse when the DC want to do an activity but can’t do it on the weekend. As a result I’m running around all week dropping them off at swimming, gym etc so that their weekends are free. But that’s how it goes.

Occasionally they have a party or Brownie activity etc that they really want to go to on the weekend, so my ex books a nearby travelodge and they stay there. They love it. Ex has also once stayed at my house with the DC when I was away, as it was just easier. But I would hate that as a regular thing.

I think something has to give, either the activity changes to a week day, he stays in a hotel, or you move closer. If none of those things can change then I’d walk away, sorry.

I think it is sad that the OP has been attacked for pointing out the obvious flaws in the decisions made by both the parents here. She just left out the fundamental, living so far apart. This led to the current situation, which could easily be avoided if the kid did the hobby local to his father.

If you are still around OP, I think you have raised valid points and are not being selfish. Unfortunately your partner and his ex have and continue to make untenable arrangements that will continue to unravel at the children's expense. Its not healthy and the blurring of boundaries is beyond reason.

I don't think it will get any better and i would be very suspicious of the motivations here, from her and him. Maybe think about whether you need to reconsider taking on any of this. I wouldn't and I don't think much of this man who should be insisting on normal access in his own home. Sorry

I read a book about the effects of divorce on kids. Apparently one of the worst things is EOW or EW access, especially if there’s distance between the two homes.

It stops the children properly bonding with their peers, by attending a group/hobby or just because they don’t have weekends free to go out or hang out with their friends. So they have less chance of getting really involved with a hobby/sport and forming deep friendships, so they can get isolated, not have the same level of social,bonds. And those social bonds with peers are one of the biggest factors in forming a stable emotional.

Even if the homes aren’t that far apart, always having to do stuff with the NRP takes up time they could be doing other things so they can’t get into those habits/hobbies.

So, I think you and your DP have to find a way to make this work. The child is the priority.

This man is putting his kids interests first.
Dragging them around on weekends and not letting them have hobbies or attend parties where they live - does affect their lives.

However, here everybody seems to be very concerned with the fact that the OP is feeling bad about it.
That she’ll not see him for a few days a month in this current setup that might not even last long.

And I think, somehow people assume that the man and his ex will be getting it on on those days...
Because despite being divorced, clearly this is what the evil Ex is plotting.

And what’s intersting, if the post were by the Ex, who’d describe how her son wanted to do this hobby, and weekend was the only time he could, and how her ExH agreed to be understanding and come and stay in the house, desptite causing tension with his SO if 3 years - people would be telling her - good job for putting your kid first.
And that girlfriend - is ...

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm in a very similar situation to you and it's really hard! My DH has to travel a considerable distance to see his DD's and it's very costly. The added expense of accommodation is just not an option so I just accept that the love DH has for his daughters and desire to see them and put their needs first will always be his number 1 priority. Like I say it's really hard but that's the reality of the situation and I choose to accept it.

This is why I would never have a relationship with someone with kids and why I have not (yet) had my own children.

I have yet to be in a relationship that I know 100% is the right, lasting one for me, despite being married and living with various people over the years. I’ve been in relationships that I’ve wanted, with all my heart, to be right and lasting, but deep down I’ve known there is a tiny chance it won’t last.

The thought of the everlasting tie of shared children causing you to be caught up in the petty arguments, the point scoring, the pain of seeing your ex with a new partner, having to explain the intricacies of your previous relationship to a new partner........Not to mention the agony of being a part time parent...........

Love is a very strong and powerful feeling of attachment. It can be felt for lots of individuals throughout your life at different times. Why rope yourself to someone whose baggage causes so much difficulty and stress? ‘Because I love him’ is just not a strong enough argument.

Loving your children and spending time with them doesn’t equal spending EOW in the home you left years ago, the adults have a right to move on and have their own home where their children can visit, it works for thousands of other divorced couples, if he’s even divorced?

Not fair to start a LTR if you’re not willing to make yourself 100% available to that new person you purport to want a future with.

What he’s doing is messy and unfinished and anyone who believes the ex fucks off from her home EOW is deluded so effectively he goes home and plays happy families and ex wife’s included, any woman that accepts this set up as fair and normal is selling herself short because he’s only half in and half out.

He could sort his shit out if he really wanted to, he doesn’t because it makes his life easier at the expense of his new partner, who, when expresses her concern is met with his aggression, says it all really.

I hope the OP wises up and realises she deserves better.

josuk you’re making massive sweeping generalisations in your post.

1. At no point did I say that the exes are jumping into bed and getting it on.
2. I’m not concerned that the OP is feeling bad about it.
3. my response if this was a woman writing it would be to be just as weirded out. I wouldn’t suddenly become massively understanding.

I stick by what I posted, which was none of the above btw.

Let’s suppose ex moves out her home EOW does that mean he’s sleeping in her bed the bed they shared when together, how rank and how confusing for their kids, I’d rather splash out on a travel lodge and show respect for myself as well as everyone else, I’d also drive my child to and back from said hobby than turn up with my over night bag and pjs.

Kids must already be wondering wtf is going on with daddy and his girlfriend but yet staying home as well, it’s not the right model to show children.

You don’t have to accept this OP there are alternatives to what he’s doing and if he gets angry I think you really need to reconsider living with him.

Adora - do you have kids?
Kids are generally - and small kids especially - very focused on their own lives. They are the Center of their worlds.

So for them - it matters not one bit where daddy’s gf is when he is with them. Or which bed he sleeps in.
( and if he sleeps on a sofa - is that acceptable?)

All they know is they they don’t spend hours in a car and sleep in their own bed.

I can’t believe they dragging small kids to some strange air B&B place is considered superior to having them stay in a familiar place.
Just so OP can be sure that her SO isn’t up to something.
Or isn’t in the same house with an ex.
How insecure can one be.
And how selfish.

Plus OP said he doesn’t have the money for that anyway.

I certainly do have kids and come from a very large family, not sure why you ask tbh.

Yes it does matter what bed daddy sleeps in, so let's agree to disagree on that one.

He sleeps on the sofa, yeah of course he does, EOW, rather than a £30 a night Travel Lodge, even though his ex sleeps elsewhere at a friends! Sure.

They can still sleep in their own bed; it's him who needs to not sleep in his ex's bed that's the issue.

Nothing to do with being insecure, it's respect, respect for the woman he is about to move in with, respect for his ex and his kids who can clearly see that daddy does not live with them any more.

Only person being selfish here is him.

Utter crap excuses.

👆🏽 x 10

When I split with my sons dad, he also had him EOW. If my son had a party, activity, hobby or whatever on his dad's weekend, then he just wasn't able to go to it, simple as that. He had to go to his dads. That was the rule right from the word go and my son wasn't massively fucked up by it (he's now 16).

The boy won't miss out if he doesn't get do his hobby 2 weekends of the month. That's just life.

Perhaps he could stay there one of his weekends and the other one bring the kids to his parents like before. That way the boy will only miss out on one weekend of hobby time. A compromise?

@Adora10

Now the comments are getting to a twilight zone for me....
So - the selfish man is sneaking into his Ex’s bed on the days he visits.
Because having left the marital home he really misses sleeping on that bed????
Seriously?

And on that basis there is an objection to him being there????

There is a huge difference to spending a night with the kids and then waking up in the same house with them on HIS weekend day.

So - if the ExW is away, and he is NOT sneaking into her room and that could be verified - would that be Ok?

You can twist it and wrap it up any way you like I won’t be changing my opinion and going by the OPs post either will she, you’re cool with it others aren’t 👍

Sneaking? Is he an intruder 😂

@Adora10

‘Yes it does matter what bed daddy sleeps in, so let's agree to disagree on that one.
He sleeps on the sofa, yeah of course he does, EOW, rather than a £30 a night Travel Lodge, even though his ex sleeps elsewhere at a friends! Sure.’

I didn’t twist anything. Was merely responding with 😳 to your assumption of which bed he actually falls asleep at.
You seem to imply that he must be sleeping in the Ex-marital bed.
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