Aibu to judge him for this

[Oops109]

I've been seeing a guy for about 5 months. We've had our ups and downs but generally it's ok although I have some doubts.

However something's happened and I don't know if I'm being unfair or not. His best friend is getting married to an American girl. She's a Trump supporter and pro guns. Recently he went to stay with them for a weekend and whilst there they had dinner with some family friends of hers. One of them apparently asked my boyfriend 'aren't you worried muslims are taking over your country? You have a Muslim mayor aren't you worried?" And when he replied and said no and explained why they said things like "what about your children?"

He told me this afterwards and it's made me feel very odd. I'm Asian although I'm not Muslim and I feel deeply uncomfortable about this. He's said to me before that I'm invited to the wedding and I told him when he repeated this to me that I felt uncomfortable going. His response was "that's fine. I don't want you to be anywhere you feel uncomfortable". He does say this girl is really nice but that he's puzzled his best friend is marrying her as they seem so different Politically. I know my boyfriend doesn't agree with her view himself.

I know inside I am judging him for saying she's nice and her family are nice and I suppose I just want to know If im being unreasonable.

You have heard the warning bells of intuition.

It might not be right to attribute this episode as the cause, but listen to them. The fact that someone may consider your future children to be inferior in some way by being light brown might have something to do with it.

I suppose it depends if you think someone can be racist and still nice.

She sounds awful. If you can't judge someone for being a racist, ammosexual moron, then what can you judge them for? I would definitely take a dim view of anyone that could love such a shitty person.

Sorry, like not love, such a shitty person.

You don't like the fact his American friend is marrying a Trump supporter. Neither would I.
I think you just have to hope that they will come round to your BF's way of thinking. It doesn't sound like he'll come round to theirs. If we all avoided people with different views to our own no-one would ever change their point of view.
So yes, I think YAB a bit U.

It is his BF though, which is why I think OP is worried. I dated a guy whose BF was an anti-feminist. Was married and bonking his customers' wives, said corse stuff about women a lot according to my ex and generally treated women as an addition to his ego. After a couple of long conversations where I had to stand up for equality after my ex had spent a day immersed in his BF's macho bullshit, I decided to call it. I could see it all ending in me giving an ultimatum because it was affecting our relationship. I think even if it isn't directly, you need to be very clear why he is friends with this person. I know I couldn't call a racist my best friend. If my best friend was not a racist they sure as hell wouldn't marry one and consider children with them.

It's a bit far removed though, isn't it? Your boyfriend's mates fiancé is a Trump supporter.... You cannot expect someone with this degree of separation to have exactly the same outlook as you.

I know. I feel like I am being unreasonable. He said to me just now that although she voted for Trump he doesn't believe she is racist. He then seemed to get a bit upset by it all. He's now asleep but I'm just feeling a bit eurgh about it all.

I feel no interest in getting to know his BF and his fiancée. And I think that's not a good sign for a long term relationship. When my boyfriend first told me this I think he thought I would laugh with him at her and her silly/stupid views. And I suppose if I was white then yes I could. But it just feels a bit too close to me to not take very personally. But then again I have met Asian and black people who voted for Trump so part of me thinks I shouldn't be so sweeping of her, her fiancé and my boyfriend.

I know I shouldn't feel this way especially as I can see my boyfriend does feel a bit bad about it all and he's in a difficult position but I do feel like he's tarnished by all this as well.

I’m a bit confused. Who are you judging? Your boyfriends friend for marrying a trump supporter?

I suppose all of them. Her for her views. Her fiancé for marrying her. And my boyfriend by association and for saying to me she and her family are really nice. I'm sure they're lovely - to him. But I have doubts about what they would think of me and people not like them. I was already uncertain when I heard about the Trump thing but this latest story of their dinner and the family friend with the views on muslims has made me feel really upset

Presumably when he says she's nice he's talking about those moments when they weren't taking about "Muslims taking over the UK", so all the other stuff around that conversation.
I guess a) he's not experienced racism so it's easier for him to think she's nice but has some ridiculous ideas vs you thinking she's a horrible person full stop. b) she's marrying hiis best mate so wants to find the good in her

I don't think it means he agrees with her secretly given he's dating you.

What would you prefer him to do?
Would you expect him to refuse to go to the wedding and cut them out of your life?
Still go but retell the story with more upset?
Have just not told you?

Only you can decide if what you needed him to do and what he did do are too far apart.

You can break up with someone for any reason you want. You don't need anyone to approve your decisions. If this is a line for you, it's a line

I think you're well within your rights to be uncomfortable with it and yes, I do think his position regarding her tarnishes him too. Hate crimes and overtly racist acts have skyrocketed under Trump and because of Trump.

I would be wary of anyone who thought that being a supporter of his was a valid political viewpoint and concerned that he thought someone who shares those views is "nice".

First of all after 5 months the relationship should still be wow wonderful. So maybe the relationship isn’t right for a few other reasons.
A lot of people are trump supporters, and his link is rather far removed (bf’s gf).
This on its own wouldn’t bother me.

I don't think it's up to anyone here to tell you YABU for feeling umcomfortable. You feel uncomfortable. The reason you feel uncomfortable is because your boyfriend appears not to find racism a dealbreaker in terms of whether or not he likes people. You are perfectly entitled to feel unhappy about this.

What Chippy said. Plus it’s not just the BF’s girlfriend who’s anti-Muslim, is it — it was friends of hers who asked about Sadiq Khan. I wouldn’t want connections in my life where I was regularly spending dinner parties educating thick Islamophobes, let alone a boyfriend for whom racism and supporting an utterly monstrous US president weren’t dealbreakers.

I don’t like Trump myself, but he is the elected president so some people do. I think people are allowed to have different political opinions to me.

I agree that people are allowed to have different political views to me. However I know I would never tolerate a close relationship or anyone in my life who voted BNP, EDL or supported groups like the KKK.

She voted for Trump and although I feel like I am being Unreasonable about it, it does feel like a step too far for me.

However i Do feel like my boyfriend is in a difficult position and I'm not sure what I would want him to do. I suppose I would want him to condemn her unilaterally which he hasn't and say but ill just tolerate her because my BF is marrying her. But he hasn't done that. He said yesterday the weekend was strange because there were lots of elephants in the room meaning this racism etc. I think he's trying but it all just feels a bit weak.

And does racism also come under ‘different political opinions’?

Sorry, that to Alfie.

If you can't judge someone for being a racist, ammosexual moron, then what can you judge them for?

Totally agree with this.

Who are you judging? Your boyfriends friend for marrying a trump supporter?

Presumably OP's bf, for willingly socialising with racists and encouraging OP to do the same?

But it wasn’t this fiancé that made the comments about Muslims? it was her family member, that’s what you said in your post anyway

I don’t understand why you’re second thinking this relationship with this man when it’s his best friend who’s marrying her. Not him

He obviously doesn’t share the same opinions as her. I don’t understand why you’d consider calling off this relationship, just because his best friend is marrying a trump supporter you have nothing to do with the best friend or fiancé. So why should this impact your relationship ?

Sorry, I think you’re making an issue out of nothing. Your partner isn’t the racist one so I don’t see a problem ? If we ended relationships simply because of their friends/family political views then we’d all be single. My boyfriends family are strictly Tory where as I’m not - it’s never crossed my mind to end things.

Some people would judge those who use the term ‘moron’ just as badly as those who are racist.

The other issue here is his privilege - as a white male he has quite possibly never been put in a position where he has had to defend someone he cares about. If we suppose that now he is dating you he is beginning to see the conflict, you were hoping he would have been more forthright with them about their ideas; maybe challenging them and defending you. It's the fact that he hasn't that is worrying you. As you said though, he did tell you about it...which is a good thing although he possibly doesn't understand why he feels bad about it. If he feels bad I suspect it is because he is realising he should have been more vocal.

For the posters who say just brush it under the carpet - it seems very likely that this person will be in her BF's life for as long as they are in a relationship. If you know someone hates everything you are (and cannot help being) with a passion, would you willingly put yourself in a position where being around that person at social/family/holiday events is going to be the norm? You may think yes, but if the person you are seeing who has introduced you has no apparent resolve to side with you in the face of any aggravation, I'd suggest you might reconsider.

I agree. I think maybe I am being unreasonable.

But then I think there is a big gap between Tories and Trump. I feel like that is a step too far. I wouldn't think someone who was a conservative supporter was necessarily supporting views that are an attack on me whereas I find it hard to not to think that about trump voters. But then is it a sweeping generalisation to say that trump supporters are Racist? That's where I feel I'm being unreasonable. Also it wasn't her family member that said the comments about muslims but a family friend. I feel like in some ways that worse - that they have dubious views and socialise with other people who have outright ignorant if not racist views.

I think what makes me a bit ugh about it more than anything is last night he spent ten mins telling that he thinks they're all really Lovely. I don't know why but that's really set me on Edge. He's a different race/colour to me and it just seems a bit insensitive. When I said I didn't want to come he said "I don't want you to be somewhere where you feel Uncomfortable". To be honest I'm not even sure I'm
Invited. He's said before that Im coming but I think he might have assumed that himself. I've never met them.

I think he's just a bit diminished in my eyes and I don't know if I can be bothered to work through it with him. I think he knows I'm upset as I left for work today without saying goodbye whilst he was still asleep. I don't know what to say to him tonight.