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Relationships

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Original poster

Does anyone else's OH do this?

109 replies

HeartShapedBooks · 17/11/2018 23:38

DP was tired last night so went off to bed at 7:30. I was up till midnight with one of our dc's whose currently having a few issues. Dp got up several times to use the loo, not once did he come help. Then he bounced out of bed this morning, asked me how my night was, and when I responded with "shit" he stropped off in a sulk and went back to bed. Came out again at mid day to see if I was still "in a mood" and stormed off back to bed when I just looked at him. He does this all the time, just goes to bed. We have 3 dcs under 10, ive spent the day running around after them and he's been in bed all day. Apparently its my fault for ruining his weekend with my bad mood. And now he's depressed. Im getting really fed up. Does anyone elses dp just retreat when they feel you're not being attentive enough?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/11/2018 08:26

Is he really a good man?. NO he is not. He will also never grow up and co-parent; he sees that as your job.

He really does not give a monkeys about you or his children does he?. I also think he will certainly see you working full time as a reason to work less.

What do you get out of this relationship with him?. What is in this for you?. Why have you enabled him as you have done and why do you feel so responsible for him. Read up on codependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with your own behaviour. All this about the children adore him too is utter rubbish, this person only adores his own self and does not want to share.

re your comment:-
"I've told him child care bills will be paid out of the bill account which he's made excuses as to why this cant happen"

What excuses did he make here?. Honestly its better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

ElizabethMainwaring · 18/11/2018 08:29

Heart, everyone telling you how awful and immature and selfish and how you should LTB isn't going to help at all. So far noone has offered anything constructive. All I can say is be patient and give each other space. In fact, try and ignore him as much as possible. That's why he keeps disappearing to bed, he wants you to ignore him. As he is depressed, it's possible that he knows full well that he's being an arse. He just won't admit it.

NotTheFordType · 18/11/2018 08:30

"he is a good man"

Bloody hell love this isn't Narnia. Or Neverland. Or whatever the wishful thinking place was.

Children are programmed to love their caregiver. You are currently teaching your child ren that it's ideal for one parent to not give a flying fuck about them.

Can I make a wild shot in the dark and ask if one of your parents was an addict?

Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:31

Joysmum - that the money in there is already committed to paying bills, that id have no clue about as I don't work, and leave him to worry about the finances. Which he doesn't mind, but wishes id appreciate all the hard work he does to keep a roof over our heads. I pointed out that whether we were here or not, hed still be working to keep a roof over his head, so hes really only benefitting himself. I got accused of putting him down and he said "sorry im such a disappointment to you". Again its my fault and I don't know how to fix it

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Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:32

NotTheFordType, how did you guess?

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slutandslattern · 18/11/2018 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:36

He says he disappears because he doesnt feel he's very pleasant to be around and he doesnt want to inflict that on me and dcs

I get that. I just want to help him but not enable him and I don't know how to do that.

Leaving him won't solve anything. He is still the dcs father and will always he in their lives. And I care for him. It possibly is a co dependant relationship, but how do I change that to a healthier relationship?

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Turniptracker · 18/11/2018 08:39

People who go to work thinking they are working harder than sahms really do my head in. What does he do for a job OP? Working 9-5 Monday to Friday is hardly something trophy worthy is it. An awful lot of people do that. And sitting in an office for 8 hours a day is not that taxing I can tell you (assuming he has an office job) Does he care that your job runs 24/7?? Honestly cannot stand working people who are martyrs.
I am very independent in my relationship, I don't have kids yet and I continually tell dp than when we do have a child it is going to be pure 50/50. If your oh doesn't want to look after his kids or help with the house a fair proportion then I would tell him he needs to sort out a nanny and a housekeeper a certain number of hours a week to cover his contribution. He also needs to deal with the guilt of being a poor father who isn't interested in caring for his children. If you keep up doing it all the time with zero support you are going to have a breakdown and then you won't be any help to anyone. If he honestly cannot see this and doesn't care about this inequality then I think you have bigger problems.

MessyBun247 · 18/11/2018 08:39

So he doesn’t want you to work because then you would be contributing financially and he couldn’t use the ‘but I pay for stuff therefore I don’t need to do anything for the family except work’ bullshit excuse.

He’s using the fact that he gasp works 9-5 as a rope to choke you with.

Do you honestly feel like he loves you and the kids? And do you love him? Or is he just this kind of figure in the background of your lives?

What would actually change if you left him? You’re doing it all already.

ElizabethMainwaring · 18/11/2018 08:40

I'm sorry Heart, I don't know, and it's doubtful anyone else here does either. Like another said, it's probably best if you talk to a counsellor. Go to your doctor and explain that your husband has depression and that it's affecting you and your family.

slutandslattern · 18/11/2018 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MessyBun247 · 18/11/2018 08:41

Yes he is the DCs father, but he doesn’t seem to want to act like it. The only way to make the relationship better is for him to change, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to change. Why would he? Everything is running exactly as he likes it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/11/2018 08:42

Is this bill paying account in his sole name?. How is it he thinks that you would not have a clue.

You being advised to ignore him as much as possible is what he wants. What does he bring to your lives here apart from an income, when is he ever around to see his children?.

His reply towards you was also steeped in manipulation.

Am sorry to read that you had a monster for a stepfather; he certainly taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships so its no surprise really that your boundaries are so skewed. What you write of your partner i.e. he earns a good wage, does not shout or hit anyone are really the barest of bare minimum requirements for any relationship here.

Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:42

Thank you Elizabeth.

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Dirtybadger · 18/11/2018 08:42

Poor kids in all this. I would approach it from the angle that it's important that the DC see an effort from both their parents to love and care for them.

He sounds like he believes because he's a works he doesn't need to be around for the kids or at home. Probably not uncommon for people who were brought up basically single handedly by their mums with dad's absent or practically absent. And also given his old work pattern meant he wasn't around so much.

The finances. Why wouldn't you BOTH pay for the childcare for your kids? Are they not his children? Does he want to be a SAHD? Does he think that one parent should never go back to work?

I would try to get back into work, but you will have to find a way of making him see that the money should be joint. They're not just "your" kids like they're bloody pets you wanted. Whether or not his excessive sleeping is through depression or not (may well be) the fact is his attitude towards you and the kids stinks. It's not like he is saying the right things but struggling to muster the energy to follow through. He just doesn't sound interested.

Another short term solution would be to start working on a weekend. That way you don't have to pay for childcare (good for household finances overall) and he can get some time with the kids. And you get your foot back into working. But obviously weekend work is going to limit what work you're doing...I don't know what your job/career was before and if you are in a position to walk straight into a decent FT job then maybe that would be better.

ElizabethMainwaring · 18/11/2018 08:43

Ignore everyone saying that he doesn't love you and your children. That is ridiculous and hurtful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/11/2018 08:43

Counselling on your own is a must do. Do not go with this man to any counselling sessions. You need to discuss both him and in turn your stepfather.

BruegeITheElder · 18/11/2018 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cambionome · 18/11/2018 08:47

God - this is appalling behaviour op. Please don't let anyone tell you that this is anywhere near normal.

I think you should sit down with him and make a list of everything he should be doing to be a good partner and parent. If he absolutely refuses to listen then give him an ultimatum - he needs to step up or get out - and mean it. He will still have to support his dc even if you have separated.

Does he take any medication? Has he seen his gp? If not, that's something he needs to do immediately.

Have you got any real life support from family and friends? Talk to them and get some emotional support if you can.

Good luck.

Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:50

He's not a bad man. His mum died young, his dad was away working and his sister who was 16 at the time stayed home and looked after him till he was old enough for the lodger to keep an eye on him. Neither of us has a clue what a normal functional family looks like, but we're trying. Well, I am. I think he wants to, but has been so focuse on working to set us up financially that he's got a bit lost.

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UserMe18 · 18/11/2018 08:51

Does my husband go to bed at 7.30, ignore our children's needs all night, dismiss my frustrations, sleep in until midday and then turn it around on me? No...I'm not married to a 14 year old. I can't imagine you're going to find many people that say their partners do this, at least I hope not!!!!!

Pissedoffdotcom · 18/11/2018 08:52

Okay, i have a DP who is signed off long term for anxiety & depression. Medication, CBT workshops, counselling etc, we have it all on the go. He NEVER just takes himself to bed for the day leaving me with the kids. If he is struggling - which i completely understand - he will tell me; i either ask him to do some mundane task to occupy him or he will go to bed for an hour to calm. And i never get blamed for him not being in the right frame of mind. Because it isn't my fault.
Depression & anxiety cannot be used as an excuse to treat people like utter shit. He is currently looking at you almost like a skivvy...and the comment re not paying for childcare tells me he actually doesn't support you wanting to go back to work. He sounds like a prick tbh

Cambionome · 18/11/2018 08:52

I also agree with trying to get some counselling on your own.

And he deserves a medal for working 9 - 5? The absolute bare minimum full time hours? Don't listen to his shit that he is some kind of hero!

Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:52

He takes medication. Im no contact with my family. I know i need counselling but I have to get a job first to fund that. And im scared of counselling. I don't really want to re visit my past. I've worked hard (mentally and emotionally) to get past a lot of it, dont really want to re open old wounds

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Original poster

HeartShapedBooks · 18/11/2018 08:55

Ok, so thank you to everyone letting me know this isnt normal. I've no idea what is tbh. Im just muddling my way through life with the help of google and online forums and the desperate belief that everything will be ok, one day

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