Does anyone else's OH do this?

[HeartShapedBooks]

DP was tired last night so went off to bed at 7:30. I was up till midnight with one of our dc's whose currently having a few issues. Dp got up several times to use the loo, not once did he come help. Then he bounced out of bed this morning, asked me how my night was, and when I responded with "shit" he stropped off in a sulk and went back to bed. Came out again at mid day to see if I was still "in a mood" and stormed off back to bed when I just looked at him. He does this all the time, just goes to bed. We have 3 dcs under 10, ive spent the day running around after them and he's been in bed all day. Apparently its my fault for ruining his weekend with my bad mood. And now he's depressed. Im getting really fed up. Does anyone elses dp just retreat when they feel you're not being attentive enough?

I hate the 'I pay for stuff therefore I don't have to do anything I don't want to' argument. Usually spouted by men who know they aren't pulling their weight as an excuse for continuing to do as little as possible.

He is 'funding' a lifestyle he has chosen. Does he think if he decides he doesn't like this particular lifestyle and chooses another , it will be free ?

How long has he been like this? Since your first dc?

'I pay for stuff therefore I don't have to do anything I don't want to'

Wtf does he think happens when both people are working FT? The DC just do everything by themselves with both parents in bed all weekend?

Agree with PP that’s a pretty childish attitude. You are the only person who knows whether he is redeemable or not. Does he want to grow up?

Is there any way you could go back to work?

Is your husband ill? Going to be early and spending all day in bed is not normal, argument or not.

And the funding... the cheek. I work full time but when I was on maternity leave the arrangement was the following: DH got to rest at night as he had to work during the day, so I took all nights and all days. But the weekends? That was the weekend for both of us. One would sleep in on Sat and the other on Sun. He was "on duty" Saturday night and I was Sunday night. And of course, if ER was required or I was the one sick, he would take care of all. That is what partners do.

If he only wants to fund the children and not partake in looking after them - show him and his belongings the door. He is an absolute piss take.

And woman up.

I'm struggling to see why the children adore someone who cares so little for them. Can't be good for their self esteem.

They are not stupid.

To me he is giving you a clear message that this is “woman’s work” - does he clean or cook - he’s going to leave it all to you. If he carries on you would be better being a single parent. He can have the kids every other weekend and you can have a break.
Can you go out by yourself today for a few hours. Let him parent his children.
Don’t always be available to fix it for him.
Start getting out more.

I had to accept that my stbxh wasnt going to grow up. It was a really shit time. But he's gone now. He has now taken me to court loads for his 'rights'. I get a rest and the kids are getting the chance to find out what a selfish mean pig he is.

It is really difficult for people who haven't been through it to realise how deceitful they can be.

Hi. OP, you say towards the end of your post that he says that he is depressed. He could genuinely be depressed. It is unusual to spend so much time in bed, and depression could be the cause. Does he enjoy his job, from what youve said, one could infer that he resents going to work. Sorry you're having such a rubbish time.

In fairness to him, he does struggle with anxiety and depression and takes medication for it. Hes also just changed jobs, for the last 13 years hes done a mixture of working away and shift work, hence allowing him to sleep during the day. Im used to him not being here, but now that he is, I'd like him to make more effort to be part of the family. He says he's trying. I feel like a selfish cow, making demands of him. His new job is a 9-5 mon -fri, some thing he's never done before. Its changing the dynamics and I'm not sure how to transition in to having him around more often, I dont think he is either.

Im sorry for typos, I'm on my phone whilst at the playground with dcs

So you're both having a crap time. Sorry , I don't have much advice, other than give it time. You need to be patient with each other. I know it's hard. And ignore all the simplistic LTB rubbish. Hope you have an ok Sunday x

I just tried to talk to him. Explained that I don't have the luxury of just disappearing when things get hard so I don't appreciate him doing that. He argued that I've done it in the past ( yes, one weekend when I had a uti and was pissing blood but couldn't afford dr so holed up in the bathroom for the day drinking litres of water to flush it out). Its things like this that I struggle with. Yes children are noisy and demanding, especially young ones. But I've managed on my own for so long, surely he can get his act together?

I've told him Im going back to work next year. I'm scared though. Scared that he will use it as an excuse to work less, that I'll end up paying for every thing as well as doing all the childcare. He's said he supports me working but has tried to say he won't be paying for childcare and he knows full well my wages wont cover
childcare. I've told him child care bills will be paid out of the bill account which he's made excuses as to why this cant happen. He IS a good man, just an emotionally immature one who I've enabled for far too long .

You're at the playground already?

I'd let the kids back in, call up to him its his turn and you're off for a coffee

Oh your last post: he doesn't give a shit about you, you're aware that you'd be better off alone and that they're are nice men around

Ask him flat out how you get a break then? It's all well and lovely him having all this time to rest but where is yours (and on a regular basis not just once). DH started to do to this so I repeatedly used the phrased 'tag in, tag out parenting' because he seemed to think he could just pop in to parenting if he fancied it but refuse if he was a bit tired. I think it drove it home when I asked him what happened if I decided that I was too tired, does the baby just fend for herself because no one else will do it? I think you need an agreement for weekends so that he knows what's expected and you know you'll get a break.

OP he's not a good man. Read your last post back to yourself.

OP you can't force your OH to care more about his family than he cares about himself.

You have to decide whether that's a position you want or not.

Playground is over back fence, I usually have my morning coffee here while youngest dc who has never ending energy runs about. I'll head in soon and get started on the breakfast dishes

Ive just seen your last post, scrub that and LTB. He just wants to do nothing and isn't interested in being equals. The fact you're worried he'll use you working as an excuse to do less says it all surely.

Ok, so how do I not enable? I grew up with a monstet for a step father, so my ideas of what constitutes a good man are a bit skewed. He earns a good wage, the dcs have never gone with out, he doesn't shout or hit anyone. He just goes quiet and retreats. How do I make things fair? What does that even look like? And as an unemployed sahm do I even have a right to get a say?

Have PPS read that Heart's husband is being treated for anxiety and depression? I think that this may be relevant.

I don't want to leave
Tbh I think he wants to be better, but he's struggling too.

I've told him child care bills will be paid out of the bill account which he's made excuses as to why this cant happen

What excuses can there be for that?