I don’t want to break up my family but-I’m menopausal and don’t want to have Sex with my H

[Stumps66]

We’ve been married 15 years and have 2DC 13,10. He’s been so supportive of me through bereavement and ill health but the bugbear has always been lack of my provision of sex to him. I keep really fit and scrub up ok at 53, he has never cared about his own physical fitness (or health) or appearance. When we were first married and he wanted lots of sex, he used to Jokingly summons me to bed and say ‘it’s your marital obligation’ (Harr harr), which made me feel yuk. As time has gone in he wants sex when he’s been drinking and I hate it - he once asked me what having sex with him was like (when drunk and when having sex) , and I said ‘um lovely, ‘er really sexy etc🤮), and he said ‘it makes me feel powerful.. which threw me. Subsequently I’ve always felt like I was giving him something or having something taken from me when having sex, not equality. He went on about my dressing up and I did many times and couldn’t bear the feeling of whorishness (my giving and not feeling I was getting any sexiness back), he was always lovely and thanked me etc for making the effort. As time’s gone on he’s wanting sex when drunk and if I don’t he is foul for days/verbally toxic. We went out last week and I came in and said I was going to bed (God I’m bored even writing this,sorry)- he looked at me and said’is that-it?’ ie: so no sex. Because I didn’t want the drama or the nastiness I had sex with him and he basically f*d me. Used some graphic words, did something horrid and I’m now in bits. He claimed next day not to remember- I told him he treated me like a prostitute. He was apologetic and has never mentioned it again. Tried to carry on as normal. As time has gone on I feel more and more violated, and realise that our whole marriage is under stress because I feel wary when he drinks(as do the kids), that I have been shagging him because I’m married to him. I came off Ad’s a month ago and my HRT, and I don’t know if this is my reality or my mania. Bottom line is he’s a lovely bloke to know, a fabulous father and he adores the bones of me and is scared of marriage breaking down- having seen friends go through it. I don’t even know what my question is.. he isn’t my soul mate, he wants to drink lots and smoke and doesn’t do much because of me, as I get older I want moderation. We’re bored with each other but I can’t bear to tear up the family- the DC adore their Dad- should I just tell him I’ll stay married but no sex? Bite the bullet and get on with it? Have an affair? (Only women and no sex please!🤣). Financially it would be life changing too..I haven’t dared to bring it up again (in case he goes crackers and something really breaks and it turns out I’m the head case) and it’s been 2 weeks, we are just circling round each other and being very British and polite, no eye contact..the thought of 20 more years of this is not great but mainly it’s the children... they’re my world and I don’t want to hurt them and breaking up the family would 😔

You really need to talk about the different options together. Maybe you don’t like sex with him because you don’t actually like him. On the other side, I couldn’t live in a sexless marriage and although the idea of having in the side sounds possible I don’t think it works out.

Your married to an alcoholic who sulks and is abusive when he doesn't get sex, you're scared of him "going crackers" whatever that means, and yet you describe him as a lovely bloke?

Sometimes in life, we have to put our own happiness before others, and that includes your children, who may actually surprise you with their resilience.

You don't mentioned if one of your children is female, but seriously, what advice would you give her if in 20 years time she came to you and described this as her marriage?

You need to start imagining splitting as a real possibility. The kids would still see their dad.

Your children need parents who are happy, healthy and functioning properly far more than they need parents who are married.

This is a toxic mess OP, he's treating you really badly and has no respect for you at all.

I don't want to upset you more but I have to disagree that he's a fabulous father when his drinking has his children walking on eggshells, or that he adores you, because if he did he wouldn't treat you like a piece of meat and hurt you. Those aren't the actions of a good man who loves anyone other than himself.

My parents got divorced when I was a child. For all the wailing people do about the horrors of a "broken home" I promise you you're doing more damage to them by staying married to someone who is so selfish and unkind and abusive.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you with this man at all apart from your innate and long term fear of this man?. This relationship is well and truly over bar the shouting really.

Staying for the children is a truly appalling idea in your case and they are no reasons to stay with him. Do you really want to teach them further that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. Would you want this type of relationship for them as adults, hell no. Its not good enough for you either frankly.

Women in poor relationships often write such guff like he is a good dad etc when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man. As you have done.

OP - would you consider opening up your marriage?
He wants to have sex, you don’t.
But the kids as finances are a reason you seem to want to stay together, so it’s not about sexual connection.
Letting him have sex with other people will solve the issue of you feeling pressured into something you don’t want to do, and will give him something he needs.

Before the OP becomes alienated and criticised for not immediately leaving her dh and splitting the family, can we just remember

“One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaves her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman.”
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

OP you might not see yourself as an ‘abused woman’ but your dh was certainly abusive in the way he treated you then and left you feeling confused and degraded. This isn’t how marriages should be and yes he’s sexually frustrated but there are other ways to deal with that.

I know, I’ve thought of asking H what he would do if our DD came to us and described the relationship/scenarios ...

Thank you. I’m crying now. So sad but I don’t think I dare drop the bomb...

If he romanced you and you had the ideal romantic runup and sex that you'd choose if you had total say about what happened and how he acted and spoke - how would you feel about it? Is it that the relationship and interest is totally gone, or is that youre totally not interested in the kind of sexual experience that hes provided all this time?

Lovely bloke, he's sexually abusing you and has a real alcohol problem, he sees you as a sex object to use and objectify when pissed; that's not love OP, it's control and it's pretty disgusting; don't know what he did to you last time but he will escalate the abuse, he probably can't even remember what he's doing to you.

It's him would be breaking up the family, you don't have a marriage, you have one fucked up toxic relationship with a pretty damaged and horrid individual.

Can only advise you get armed with as much advice as possible to get the fuck away. I know this has become your normal but honestly it really isn't at all.

It’s a massive deal and you’ve always put everyone else before you. But actually it would be ok. Start thinking practicalities and imagining a different life.

He has a real drink problem and you and your children know this and are affected by it. It probably has affected every aspect of your life. My guess is he won't discuss anything with you because he is terrified his drinking will come up and he may have to stop.

you don't want sex with him (and I don't blame you) - you might want it fine with someone who was focused on you and enjoyed it because it was with you.

Only you know whether this relationship is worth saving but if I were you I would start with going to counselling myself to discuss this. You have had some fairly horrid sexual experiences with this man and I think you need to get that out and discuss it with someone who can help you through it. I would also tell him immediately that you will no longer have sex with him when drunk or maybe at all for the moment. After that -- well maybe your own therapist will help you work through it. I couldn't live like this myself.

He has violated your very being, I'd advise no sex whatsoever; enough is enough; you also need to contact Women's Aid

So tell him to fuck off next time he demands sexual favours from you.

"you’ve always put everyone else before you".

I think this is a fair point and one that has served you ultimately very badly in life and relationships. You've been the ideal type of person for someone like this man to get his claws into, think he targeted you really.

The fact too that you cannot answer what you actually get out of this relationship now is also very telling.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what did your parents show you?. One day your children will grow up and leave home. Also I doubt very much they would want to come back and see either of you at all often, particularly if you were to stay with this individual for really your own reasons. Your children are not glue and should not be used as glue here to bind you and this man together.

Also I doubt very much they would want to come back and see either of you at all often, particularly if you were to stay with this individual for really your own reasons. Your children are not glue and should not be used as glue here to bind you and this man together.

Why would you say something so hurtful to a woman who’s already feeling like shit? She’s doing her best to keep her kids in a stable environment the way she knows how, not using them. You say her kids won’t want to see her in the future? Nice. Support could be helpful here, not another attack.

I see him as 2 people. Sex is nice when it’s mutual but it’s hard for me to shake the ‘power’ thing

A lovely bloke isn't happy to rape his wife. He bullies you into sleeping with him, does unpleasant things to you and likes the power that gives him. He is raping you.

I don't think you can decide to stay together and not have sex because there's no guarantee he won't get drunk and rape you, all the same.

OP, he uses you for sex and in the process gets off on the dominance, the control he has over you, that's neither mutual or respectful or enjoyable, he's a nasty piece of work.

OP - the 'makes me feel powerful' does not have to mean power over you (which I think you are reading into it). Most people, and especially men, find self confidence and acceptance and self esteem through their sex life (true for most women too btw!)
I'm not certain your DH has a drink problem or whether he only plucks up the courage to initiate sex when he's drunk - but it could be the latter? In which case drink can often make people far less sensitive lovers and if you are sober it is not going to be nice.
It seems that you have never been honest with him about your sexuality- and for fear of arousing his bad reaction to rejection (which is extreme) things have got worse.
You actually need to STOP pretending and be honest with him - about all of this.
Counselling might help him deal with his inability to cope with rejection and his apparent belief that it's expected that wives perform a 'duty'. And couples counselling might help you both communicate better.
You are going through changes - but I think it is worth trying to rebalance your relationship.
Abuse is used every second thread on MN - but people can engage in abusive responses or behaviour without being abusers. E.g. Silent treatment, coldness, insults in arguments - come from both sides in most marriages at some points. It's abusive behaviour, but it can be addressed. If you still have feelings for him? If not then it's cruel to continue for everyone.

I feel wary when he drinks(as do the kids)
So your children are also learning to lean on alcohol to cope? That's not good.

Or maybe you meant they are learning to be afraid of him. Also not good.

Thank you 💕 I do care about him. He is more than just what I have written- you’ve all made me realise that he feels rejected as I say no so often - because I’m not physically attracted to him or emotionally connected - get rid of the sex and he’d be a good friend! But he won’t take that I’m sure... must talk... sober. Thank you all x

The kids are wary when he drinks because he gets loud and chased them round (playfully), but can also be really harsh and intimidating

This might help OP??

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

This isn’t a frequent thing- not the norm- he wouldn’t physically manhandle me to bed- I have gone with him, he wouldn’t have known I didn’t want to because I didn’t say.