We’ve been married 15 years and have 2DC 13,10. He’s been so supportive of me through bereavement and ill health but the bugbear has always been lack of my provision of sex to him. I keep really fit and scrub up ok at 53, he has never cared about his own physical fitness (or health) or appearance. When we were first married and he wanted lots of sex, he used to Jokingly summons me to bed and say ‘it’s your marital obligation’ (Harr harr), which made me feel yuk. As time has gone in he wants sex when he’s been drinking and I hate it - he once asked me what having sex with him was like (when drunk and when having sex) , and I said ‘um lovely, ‘er really sexy etc🤮), and he said ‘it makes me feel powerful.. which threw me. Subsequently I’ve always felt like I was giving him something or having something taken from me when having sex, not equality. He went on about my dressing up and I did many times and couldn’t bear the feeling of whorishness (my giving and not feeling I was getting any sexiness back), he was always lovely and thanked me etc for making the effort. As time’s gone on he’s wanting sex when drunk and if I don’t he is foul for days/verbally toxic. We went out last week and I came in and said I was going to bed (God I’m bored even writing this,sorry)- he looked at me and said’is that-it?’ ie: so no sex. Because I didn’t want the drama or the nastiness I had sex with him and he basically f*d me. Used some graphic words, did something horrid and I’m now in bits. He claimed next day not to remember- I told him he treated me like a prostitute. He was apologetic and has never mentioned it again. Tried to carry on as normal. As time has gone on I feel more and more violated, and realise that our whole marriage is under stress because I feel wary when he drinks(as do the kids), that I have been shagging him because I’m married to him. I came off Ad’s a month ago and my HRT, and I don’t know if this is my reality or my mania. Bottom line is he’s a lovely bloke to know, a fabulous father and he adores the bones of me and is scared of marriage breaking down- having seen friends go through it. I don’t even know what my question is.. he isn’t my soul mate, he wants to drink lots and smoke and doesn’t do much because of me, as I get older I want moderation. We’re bored with each other but I can’t bear to tear up the family- the DC adore their Dad- should I just tell him I’ll stay married but no sex? Bite the bullet and get on with it? Have an affair? (Only women and no sex please!🤣). Financially it would be life changing too..I haven’t dared to bring it up again (in case he goes crackers and something really breaks and it turns out I’m the head case) and it’s been 2 weeks, we are just circling round each other and being very British and polite, no eye contact..the thought of 20 more years of this is not great but mainly it’s the children... they’re my world and I don’t want to hurt them and breaking up the family would 😔