I don’t want to break up my family but-I’m menopausal and don’t want to have Sex with my H

[Stumps66]

We’ve been married 15 years and have 2DC 13,10. He’s been so supportive of me through bereavement and ill health but the bugbear has always been lack of my provision of sex to him. I keep really fit and scrub up ok at 53, he has never cared about his own physical fitness (or health) or appearance. When we were first married and he wanted lots of sex, he used to Jokingly summons me to bed and say ‘it’s your marital obligation’ (Harr harr), which made me feel yuk. As time has gone in he wants sex when he’s been drinking and I hate it - he once asked me what having sex with him was like (when drunk and when having sex) , and I said ‘um lovely, ‘er really sexy etc🤮), and he said ‘it makes me feel powerful.. which threw me. Subsequently I’ve always felt like I was giving him something or having something taken from me when having sex, not equality. He went on about my dressing up and I did many times and couldn’t bear the feeling of whorishness (my giving and not feeling I was getting any sexiness back), he was always lovely and thanked me etc for making the effort. As time’s gone on he’s wanting sex when drunk and if I don’t he is foul for days/verbally toxic. We went out last week and I came in and said I was going to bed (God I’m bored even writing this,sorry)- he looked at me and said’is that-it?’ ie: so no sex. Because I didn’t want the drama or the nastiness I had sex with him and he basically f*d me. Used some graphic words, did something horrid and I’m now in bits. He claimed next day not to remember- I told him he treated me like a prostitute. He was apologetic and has never mentioned it again. Tried to carry on as normal. As time has gone on I feel more and more violated, and realise that our whole marriage is under stress because I feel wary when he drinks(as do the kids), that I have been shagging him because I’m married to him. I came off Ad’s a month ago and my HRT, and I don’t know if this is my reality or my mania. Bottom line is he’s a lovely bloke to know, a fabulous father and he adores the bones of me and is scared of marriage breaking down- having seen friends go through it. I don’t even know what my question is.. he isn’t my soul mate, he wants to drink lots and smoke and doesn’t do much because of me, as I get older I want moderation. We’re bored with each other but I can’t bear to tear up the family- the DC adore their Dad- should I just tell him I’ll stay married but no sex? Bite the bullet and get on with it? Have an affair? (Only women and no sex please!🤣). Financially it would be life changing too..I haven’t dared to bring it up again (in case he goes crackers and something really breaks and it turns out I’m the head case) and it’s been 2 weeks, we are just circling round each other and being very British and polite, no eye contact..the thought of 20 more years of this is not great but mainly it’s the children... they’re my world and I don’t want to hurt them and breaking up the family would 😔

Explanation is not defense - even if it is armchair psychology- which is what almost everyone has been doing on this thread!

It’s not armchair psychology to recognise that his behaviour is hideous and abusive and he is very far from being a lovely man.

OP, it doesn’t matter why he is like this - what matters is that he DOES behave horribly towards you, and you do not deserve to live like this.

I couldn’t live like you , and definitely don’t condone your husband’s behaviour, but lots of people of both sexes see sex as a power game. I had a discussion about it once with a group of friends , two of us said for us sex was connection, the rest said it was a power game for them.

Instigate a no sex when drunk rule. If he protests explain you want to enjoy it so you'll want to do it more. It's not too much to ask that he's clean, focussed and sober when DTD.

The ‘psychology’ is in the motivation for the behaviour - which matters to people in relationships. And the diagnosis that he’s an irredeemable abusive narcissist is equally so. We don’t know - but this is a person’s life partner we are discussing, and the insensitivity here sometimes is unhelpful.

"It’s not armchair psychology to recognise that his behaviour is hideous and abusive and he is very far from being a lovely man."

Not at all. But it is armchair psychology to claim that his abusive behaviour is a result of a fear of abandonment. Only he knows why he is behaving that way, and he might not even know.

The why doesn't matter anyway. His behaviour is abuse and it's unacceptable.

Dadaist, you are coming across as an apologist for an abuser. The video, like counselling would only be appropriate in a respectful relationship. This man gets drunk and is verbally and physically abusive.

Dadaist "...the insensitivity here sometimes is unhelpful."

How is pointing out that this coercive behaviour is unacceptable somehow insensitive?

You talk of this msn wanting intimacy. How do you know that?

Is sex always about intimacy to you? The OP said her husband said it was about power to him!

You talk aboit the OP not being honest about her feelings as if she has chosen to shut her husband out and not be honest for some cruel reason!

She is not honest because he has made it impossible for her to be honest!

He coerces her into sex because not complying with his wishes leads to unpleasant behaviour from him!

He has created this situation, which is almost the exact opposite to intimacy.

It is not safe for the OP to enter couples counselling with a man who abuses her.

I would advise he has counselling and explores AA whether or not the OP stays with him.

OP you might also want to speak to women's aid and/or explore some counselling for yourself to help work out your needs and become more assertive.

The idea you might want to have an open marriage where you and abusive partner pursue other people seems to me a ridiculous idea.

Agreed @anotheremma - it’s abusive and unacceptable behaviour. And yes - he might not even know his motives.

But posters contradicting the OP with psychological explanations (that hes not a lovely man, he is an abuser that wants power over her) is equally armchair psychology- and no less fallible.

Forcing OP into feeling she has to defend her relationship, when she’s already feeling pretty vulnerable, because posters have identified evil motive, is not helpful. And suggesting that she is deluded because she disagrees and looks for some positive overview, and can’t see he is evil -is also goading.

So for most here - it is goading to say only bad people are capable of doing bad things, and she is deluded, and he’s ‘an abusive cunt’.

I’m offering an alternative perspective - and one that doesn’t seek out evil. I’ve said openly that I, and others, don’t know the full picture. But OP will know what rings true.

I can’t imagine any GOOD motive for his behaviour. And don’t care. It’s horrible and abusive. Whether he is a power mad loon, or has abandonment issues, he should not get to treat OP like that.

OP please get help and tell your husband to get help. The drink is not an excuse but it is an issue. And the fact he thinks you owe him sex is really appalling.

When people are used to dealing with abuse for a long long time I am not sure they can always spot what is normal or what is abusive. But it seems this last incident has tipped you over the edge and made you realise your husband's behaviour towards you is not acceptable.

He is an abusive cunt. Stop pretending he isn't.

Sorry - cross post @italiangreyhound - I’d not picked up on verbally abusive -(I would like to read back if I’ve missed that!) and I’m not saying the behaviour isn’t abusive - I’m saying it may not be so obviously coercive as to be evil intent and impossible to resolve.

I absolutely don’t think you have any cruel intention OP.

OP I have read your post and feel so very sad for you I could actually cry. This is an awful way to live. Please don't subject yourself to this terrible abuse and degradation any longer. This really isn't normal.

I have been in a similar situation for you. I hope you have found it helpful to hear a range of opinions here and think about how you feel about them. Leaving is scary and uncertain and sometimes you will feel like that is too much and you should muddle on. Don't judge yourself for that it is natural. But please also allow yourself to examine how you feel about the alternatives. Feel the fear, and think about other times you have been scared but still done something. Confide in a friend or counsellor if you feel comfortable, making it clear you don't want them to tell you what to do, just to listen/sympathise. The act of talking may help you process it. And do this in your own time as you feel comfortable. You won't help yourself by putting yourself under more pressure, or indeed by burying your head in the sand.

And start to visualise what your life would be like if you did leave, after the painful process is over. Would you feel relief? Imagine a reality you can eventually move towards.

Personally I'm now free of it, my catalyst was something as silly as kissing someone else and realising that I could still feel sexual attraction (exh never kissed me), and feeling that again was part of my "ideal". I have my sex drive back and I'm gaining my confidence. I've found a partner who is not perfect but has given me that. But it might have been different - I could have discovered that no, I'm no longer interested and would have had the space to accept that and be happy with my choice.

Being badgered, shamed, criticised takes away your freedom to understand and accept yourself and you will become a person who just reacts to others wants and needs to avoid conflict.

You have had the courage to look hard at this and make your initial post. Great first step to finding the self-awareness to do whatever you need to do to feel better. Best of luck op x

@Dadaist:

For what it’s worth - I think your DH has a deep fear of abandonment.

How the holly fuck do you deduce that, one of the most out there and unhelpful comments I've ever read on here, actually laughable.

I’m just very clever @Adora10

I've been plodding through menopause too. I had forgotten sex existed since my ex used to grope me in my sleep except worse. He called it affection. I found it horrible and ended up curling up in a tight ball, not that he took any notice until he finally told me he would never touch me again and basically it was all my fault. Wow! What a sex god he was!

I have since learned that my body still works perfectly well and that sex is a good thing and can be real fun. My ex took everything, helped himself, felt utterly entitled and no doubt enjoyed the power. I think it was the power that he got off on. It certainly wasn't me. I don't like thinking of what he did. It makes my skin crawl.

Thanks all- we’re splitting up. He said he doesn’t want to change... I came through. The Lioness roared! I’m scared, scared that the kids will resent me, but I will be Me again and more vibrant. Let’s hope .

This idn't about your menopause it is about his sexual abuse of you. This is not acceptable and i would not stand for it.
You need to tell him his sexual behavious is disgusting and you will no longer tolerate it.
You are not a sex object, prostitute or sex doll neither are you "oblgated" to have sex with anyone.
if he wants to continue having sex with you he needs to stop his current behaviour dead and try acting like a normal human being. You need to tell him.
I would have left a man like this already.

Sorry just read your previous post. I think this is the best thing that could have happened to you. He doesn't want to stop sexually abusing you.
Let him try this with another woman he is not married to and see how far it gets him.
I hope you cite this in the divorce.
You will be happy again I pronise

My ex husband did this, every night was a nightmare of his groping and me feeling sickened. I've since had sex with someone else and it was amazing.

I'm so proud of you Stumps. You deserve better than to be abused. Onwards!!

Well OP a lot's obviously happened in the last month, you've seen the light.

Good luck!

Dadaist That's because abuse is endemic in society and we're only just starting to wake up to it now. He puts pressure on his wife to have sex, says it's her duty, and sulks when he doesn't get it. She isn't romanced. He can be harsh and intimating around the kids when he's drunk. It sounds like coercion and abuse - it's not what people think of as abuse, but it is. Read 'why does he do that'. You can buy it on Amazon.