I don’t want to break up my family but-I’m menopausal and don’t want to have Sex with my H

[Stumps66]

We’ve been married 15 years and have 2DC 13,10. He’s been so supportive of me through bereavement and ill health but the bugbear has always been lack of my provision of sex to him. I keep really fit and scrub up ok at 53, he has never cared about his own physical fitness (or health) or appearance. When we were first married and he wanted lots of sex, he used to Jokingly summons me to bed and say ‘it’s your marital obligation’ (Harr harr), which made me feel yuk. As time has gone in he wants sex when he’s been drinking and I hate it - he once asked me what having sex with him was like (when drunk and when having sex) , and I said ‘um lovely, ‘er really sexy etc🤮), and he said ‘it makes me feel powerful.. which threw me. Subsequently I’ve always felt like I was giving him something or having something taken from me when having sex, not equality. He went on about my dressing up and I did many times and couldn’t bear the feeling of whorishness (my giving and not feeling I was getting any sexiness back), he was always lovely and thanked me etc for making the effort. As time’s gone on he’s wanting sex when drunk and if I don’t he is foul for days/verbally toxic. We went out last week and I came in and said I was going to bed (God I’m bored even writing this,sorry)- he looked at me and said’is that-it?’ ie: so no sex. Because I didn’t want the drama or the nastiness I had sex with him and he basically f*d me. Used some graphic words, did something horrid and I’m now in bits. He claimed next day not to remember- I told him he treated me like a prostitute. He was apologetic and has never mentioned it again. Tried to carry on as normal. As time has gone on I feel more and more violated, and realise that our whole marriage is under stress because I feel wary when he drinks(as do the kids), that I have been shagging him because I’m married to him. I came off Ad’s a month ago and my HRT, and I don’t know if this is my reality or my mania. Bottom line is he’s a lovely bloke to know, a fabulous father and he adores the bones of me and is scared of marriage breaking down- having seen friends go through it. I don’t even know what my question is.. he isn’t my soul mate, he wants to drink lots and smoke and doesn’t do much because of me, as I get older I want moderation. We’re bored with each other but I can’t bear to tear up the family- the DC adore their Dad- should I just tell him I’ll stay married but no sex? Bite the bullet and get on with it? Have an affair? (Only women and no sex please!🤣). Financially it would be life changing too..I haven’t dared to bring it up again (in case he goes crackers and something really breaks and it turns out I’m the head case) and it’s been 2 weeks, we are just circling round each other and being very British and polite, no eye contact..the thought of 20 more years of this is not great but mainly it’s the children... they’re my world and I don’t want to hurt them and breaking up the family would 😔

They don’t see loveless. When there’s no booze and sex involved we work well mostly and cohesively as it’s all about the children, they see united.

Why didn't you say no to him?

Because he gets shitty

That's coercion, then. He scares you into having sex with him.

This is not a stable environment for either you or your children.

There are many instances also on here of women blaming the mother in particular for failing to protect them from dad's abuse towards her as their mother. They also will not thank you for staying with such a man either, what sort of a role model is he here to his children?. Harsh and intimidating is not what they need in a father. What do you think they are learning from you two about relationships here?.

With relation to your last comment the fact too that it is not a frequent thing from him either does not make what you describe re him any better.

"They don’t see loveless. When there’s no booze and sex involved we work well mostly and cohesively as it’s all about the children, they see united".

What do you think they are seeing here from you as their role models?.

They see the effects of his boozing as well. You used the words drunk and intimidating. Neither of you can or actually should use your children here as the reason for you staying together. You stay together for your own reasons, not because or for them.

Fabulous thank you..

Sex

Is it ever initiated by you?

Is it ever focused around what YOU find pleasurable?

Do you ever ask him to perform any specific sexual acts?

Do you ever ask him to dress or act a particular way for your own sexual satisfaction?

Do you find him attractive?

Do you orgasm during sex?

Does he care whether you orgasm or not?

If you're not in the mood for sex, does he respect that?

If you tell him something is uncomfortable, you don't like it, or it hurts, does he stop?

Do you feel able to tell him that you're either not in the mood, or you don't like doing a particular sex act?

Do you have sex because you WANT to have sex, or because you're afraid of how he responds if you don't?

If the above is a huge long list of "No" then you have a shitty, shitty sex life, and you shouldn't be expected to put up with it for any reason. You need to have a serious conversation about your sex life together. You need to tell him exactly how you feel in detail. You need to see if you can make him understand what's going on in your head when it comes to your sex life.

If he's unwilling or unable to help to resolve your feelings around sex, then you need to either open up your marriage so you can BOTH have sex with different partners, or you need to split up. Either option is better than the status quo.

Please note that the above only addresses the sex issue, and NOT the drinking issue, which in and of itself is another vote in favour of getting the hell out of this relationship before it degenerates further.

I guess they see me tolerating him when he’s drunk and it not impacting on us afterwards or him having to address it - so yes it’s not good

Mostly yes to all of those when it’s booze free, it’s the drink that’s caused the damage

So it's ok for him to do things to you that make you feel violated, a man stinking of drink doing sexual things to you and telling you it makes him feel powerful; that is still not love or even enjoyable; he has no interest in your enjoyment, it's all about him and you doing your duty; I can't help but get the picture out my head of him drunk leering at you like a sex object as soon as you get in the door and telling you, is that it, he sounds absolutely vile.

Don't want to know what he did to you that has make you feel in bits and can't actually believe someone on here is suggesting he doesn't have a drink problem, he can't even remember what he did to you.

Shocking.

You need to start seeing this for what it is, at the moment you are stuck in this cycle with him, both minimising and you I'm afraid in denial, understandably so though.

Any reasonable person who behaved like that when drunk would never want to drink again.

"he’s wanting sex when drunk and if I don’t he is foul for days/verbally toxic. We went out last week and I came in and said I was going to bed (God I’m bored even writing this,sorry)- he looked at me and said’is that-it?’ ie: so no sex. Because I didn’t want the drama or the nastiness I had sex with him and he basically f*d me. Used some graphic words, did something horrid and I’m now in bits. He claimed next day not to remember- I told him he treated me like a prostitute."

This is sexual coercion and abuse. There is no excuse for it, his drinking alcohol certainly doesn't excuse it.

Alcohol and domestic abuse
Coercive sexual abuse

I suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, get some counselling and work towards building the mental clarity and strength to LTB.

NO, I also wanted to add, alcohol does not excuse his sexual deviations, it's who he is.

OP, I'm very sorry to read this thread. I feel you have significantly under reacted to the situation you've found yourself in. I assume it's taken a long time to get to this point - you're the proverbial frog in a slowly boiling pot of water.

Here's what I read:

You acquiesce to sexual activity as a result of him coercing you. I'm so sorry but this is rape. He's been raping you, he's a rapist.

He's made you afraid of saying no to sexual activity - he verbally abuses you if you refuse him. Again. This is rape, it's domestic abuse, it's illegal.

He's told you that he gets a feeling of power from getting sexual contact from you. I suggest here that the power comes from knowing you don't really want to - but that you acquiesce to him. I.e., he gets off on knowing he can make you do what he wants. Again. He's a rapist.

He's a scary drunk. He scares you, and he's also scared the children. This is also domestic abuse.

He has now sexually assaulted you while drunk. This sexual assault had both verbal and physical components. It scared you. Again. He's a rapist. A scary, intimidating, power-hungry rapist.

You need to get out of this situation as a matter of urgency. I'm very sorry this has happened to you. You deserve to feel peace and contentment in your own home, in your own bed, with your own husband. He's taken this from you. He's a criminal.

OP read your post and then read Oiiiiiii because that in effect is what you have written. You can dress him up as nice and lovely all you want but that is at complete odds of the actual person you have written about

Children see and hear more than you realise - do you want to model this to them as a healthy relationship

Op, your post is full of contradictions

He is not a lovely man, he is a sexually abusive cunt

OP he is abusive and controlling. I am very sorry. He might change, he night not. But you sound scared of him, you say the kids love him but they are wary of him.

Has sex with him always been like this?

Great post by beenandgoneandbackagain and others.

Dadaist do you not see tgis behaviour as abusive?

"...he looked at me and said’is that-it?’ ie: so no sex. Because I didn’t want the drama or the nastiness I had sex with him and he basically f*d me. Used some graphic words, did something horrid and I’m now in bits..."

OP please speak to a counsellor on your own. By all means tell him you are struggling with his behaviour to you but I think you need to get help yourself to identify how you feel.

You said he is not your soulmate. Did you ever feel he was, has he changed?

And drink is a massive problem here.

What oiiii said.

Also think on this.
If he is so lovely and it’s “the drink” that drives him to it why is he “foul and verbally toxic for days”???

Surely if he was “so lovely”* as soon as he sobers up he realises what a vile abuser sex pest he is and apologies...

*people who are actually lovely don’t do these kinds of unacceptable, awful, unkind abusive things in the first place

It sounds like he is hiding behind the alcohol to force you to have sex because he knows that you do not want to have sex with him. Rather than talking to you about why and seeing if he can help you both to solve things, he's drinking and then bullying you into it because you know he will treat you like shit if you don't.

I think you need to have one full and frank cards on the table conversation where you tell him point blank that you will never want to have sex with him when he has been drinking. If he refuses to stop or even admit there is an issue, get your finances and paperwork in order and just leave.

Do not keep on a broken, depressing marriage just for the sake of children - the cracks will only get deeper and they'll end up wishing you weren't together. What happens when they leave home? You'll be so brow-beaten by then that you won't have the strength to leave.

OP - there are are a lot of people here that want to make you the victim in all this. I’d say your relationship is still transactional, but you have both been hiding your feelings. Your DH has found refuge in alcohol to cope with and overcome his fears. And it is going to harm things severely unless you are honest with him.

Context is everything- and the fact that you are having to defend him from people here is only because they imagine stereotypical scenarios of drunk abusive cunts. For what it’s worth - I think your DH has a deep fear of abandonment. Hiding your feelings has eaten away at your ability to mark out your own boundaries- and damaged your feelings for him. And he has found refuge in alcohol to continue to seek intimacy. I still think it’s out of fear rather than as a mask for abuse. He may be ignorant of your needs (rather than not caring - it’s your call) but then you have also been fearful to share your needs so what matters is whether your feelings matter to him.
You know his heart better than anybody here - so go with what you know. Maybe approach this with some honesty, kindness and respect on both sides.
The only thing I would say is that feelings can change very quickly when there is deeper understanding and genuine connection - and that is what is missing.

dadaist

"Your DH has found refuge in alcohol to cope with and overcome his fears."

"I think your DH has a deep fear of abandonment."

WTAF? And you have got this from where? Right out of your own arse?

You appear to have taken armchair psychology to a whole new level. What a load of bullshit.

There is no defense for sexual abuse but @dadaist is giving it a good try. Bravo.