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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Revenge on Ex and OW, Would you?

112 replies

Pocketcalculator · 16/11/2018 08:38

So those of us who have been cheated on, did you exact revenge at all? Whether it be low lying passive aggressive or full on sewing dead fish in the curtains and keying cars? I want to hear your anecdotes and I'd like to hear from those who wouldn't go down that path. I'm quite fresh out of being cheated on and have found out the OW has quite swiftly got her feet under the table and into my bed. I knew it would happen, but I'm so fucking angry with the ex and the OW for the way they have conducted themselves and the effect it has had on my DD. So far I have blocked them and want to get on with my life, but on recent news about them, I am feeling quite vengeful.

Would you?

OP posts:

Duchessgummybuns · 16/11/2018 08:45

I didn’t name the OW in the divorce and I wish I had. For some reason I thought it would go quicker if I didn’t. That would have been a nice revenge as I feel she’s got off Scot free - she didn’t even take my husband with her the bitch.

He now is engaged to another girl, whom I recently found out he was also seeing before we even split. She doesn’t know that though, so ex has to keep me sweet in case I drop that particular truth bomb. I have him by the balls, but all I ask is for regular maintenance and for him to be helpful re childcare arrangements.

TranmereRover · 16/11/2018 08:47

I sent her husband an email. He didn't believe me, thought it was shit stirring (she has a sort of high profile job). I sent him extracts from her emails which had information about him a random stranger couldn't know. I have kept all the correspondence because I will have some fun if her high profile job becomes higher profile.

Bodear · 16/11/2018 08:51

@TranmereRover what about your ex?

Unevenbeard · 16/11/2018 08:53

Look absolutely fucking fabulous, this is the sweetest revenge

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/11/2018 08:54

I didn’t. I thought about it. But ultimately I was work out emotionally and realised I’d do far better to concentrate on moving forward and doing what was best for my life. Plus, being nonchalant had the added bonus of implying that I didn’t really care, as a grand gesture of revenge would make clear I did, and this being perturbing to ex-p - which was reasonably satisfying for me at the time. And also, we were business partners who several years down the line have also managed to be friends. Had I exacted revenge I don’t think either of these portions would have been tenable and my life would be poorer for it.

I don’t think vengeance is a particularly productive emotion to hold onto. It just eats you up. Also, how much shittier would you feel if you dropped your revenge bombshell and if didn’t have the impact you were hoping for - always a possibility?

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/11/2018 08:55

Loads of typos but hopefully you get the gist.

lifebeginz · 16/11/2018 08:59

Live a good life, be successful and look great. Although not cheated on (that I am aware of) my ex moved on very fast and it really hurt. I sat quiet and struggled through while they made the grand online shows of how in love they were, how happy they were, having a baby etc etc.....then I foound out about the arguments they had on the street.......her brother battering his car with a baseball bat....falling out with the neighbours etc etc.....and then their faces coming up on my "seen by" function on instagram - obviously oblivious to the fact that this would prove they were checking what I was doing...I still kept quiet and now I have met someone knew, I am living my dream, got a new job followed by 2 promotions, my business has grown, new haircolour etc and have a drama free life. So I know I am happier now and that is good enough for me :) People regularly say to me how much he has "drowngraded" and that he must be kicking himself losing me and ending up with what he has. And while I try to not think that way and rise above it....a teeny little part of me beams inside at that....yes I know its petty but hey ho...

1moreRep · 16/11/2018 09:15

the more energy you invest in your ex and the ow the less you put into your recovery.

the best revenge is to literally let it go

any revenge will literally be seen as patethic and you will loose any credibility or respect

Nolagerformethanks · 16/11/2018 09:31

It will hurt like hell and all you will want to do is take a bat to their faces but honestly it is so not worth it, paint a huge smile on your face, hold yourself with confidence and make an amazing life for yourself, that is seriously the best revenge. A couple of voodoo dolls under the bed for stressful days wouldn't hurt though 😆

Luxembourgmama · 16/11/2018 09:35

I wanted to. More on ex than OW she was just a fool but i found out recently they got married and i feel so sorry for her being saddled with him. Him TBH i'm disgusted he found someone to marry him again as she's actually really lovely. Just a bit foolish. But i've moved on married before he did and have a lovely kid and a fantastic relationship now. Living your own life well is definitely the best revenge. My ex was clearly stalking me on fb so nows i'm happy now.

MargoLovebutter · 16/11/2018 09:40

No, it is tempting and I could have had a field day but I didn't.

Best revenge is living your own life being fulfilled and happy and with so many better things to do than waste your precious time on your ex and the OW.

Hidinginthebath · 16/11/2018 09:52

Mine didn't cheat (as far as I know) but he beat the shit out of me.

I have had utter revenge on him because in the 4 years since leaving him I have done a masters, got a really good job and bought a lovely house. All on my own two feet and he HATES it because he always thought I needed him. I've shown him I don't need anyone actually. And that is the best revenge I've ever had on anyone.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/11/2018 09:55

I also was drained from finding out my husband of 13 years had had an affair and I wanted to use everything I had left in me to make sure me and my kids were as ok as possible. I didn't have anything left for revenge but actually, my revenge has come from building myself back up over the past 10/11 months and being the strong mum and woman I never thought I could be. He , although is still with OW has not been doing so well. Guilt will do that to you.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 16/11/2018 09:58

love that@hidinginthebath

I agree with investing your energy into looking after yourself. You're worth more than worrying about what they're up to.

Tenpenny · 16/11/2018 10:02

I have no jealous feelings whatsoever towards my exes girlfriend. Even though he cheated on me with her, and she is younger, attractive..... it really bothered him that I just plain didn't care, and was just relieved he was gone. That was my revenge.

chaosisaladder · 16/11/2018 10:14

My mom was cheated on, repeatedly and obviously. Awful stuff actually. Anyway, she never got revenge. A lot of time has passed now and I think she's glad that she just let life do it's thing. It is hard to accept but it doesn't necessarily have to be some sort of "mystical" karma thing - people who cause harm to others recklessly like that are usually quite unhappy with themselves and struggle to ever be at ease with themselves.

It's hard though. I think I would want to slash tyres etc but alas, my mom seems pretty content with the high road.

crumble82 · 16/11/2018 10:20

I’ve haven’t done anything but I’ve kept screenshots of all their dirty little emails and texts just in case I ever need them. She’s a teacher so I like to think I could at least give her a pretty shitty couple of months if there’s ever any danger of her coming into contact with my DC.

StarlightSparkle · 16/11/2018 10:23

I could have seriously damaged OW’s career if I’d shopped her, as her behaviour was unethical in her role as a consultant. However, it probably would have damaged H’s career for the same reason and it’s not in my best interests for him to lose his job so I’ve just had to let it go.

I can definitely understand the desire to wreak revenge though and if I could do it at no cost to myself I probably would!

BorisAndDoris · 16/11/2018 10:25

I believe that my gran reported my grandad and his wife to the authorities. He was still very much married to Gran.

Turned out he had two families (5 kids with gran, I've no idea about the other) and went to prison for bigamy.

For some reason she took him back because by the time I was born it was all ancient history. He was a lovely grandad but according to my mum, he was actually a nasty evil man in their youth. To the point gran had tried to drown him in the bath after he gave her a good hiding. Strange to think my nice normal grandad had a dark past of being an evil bastard.

userxx · 16/11/2018 10:42

Karma usually kicks in whether it be a year down the line or 10 years. My ex recently cheated on the OW, I pity the poor cow now as she has 2 young children. It did put a smile on my face though.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/11/2018 10:47

I also kept screenshots of messages between them in case i needed them and I let him know this.

they both work together and I could have also caused trouble there as he is in a higher position and lots of the messages mentioned meeting up at work etc, but like has been said, I need him to keep his job for me and our children to stay in our home. The OW is is 28 and child free, he is 41 with 2 pre-teen children and has had the snip so I think I know who will get the last laugh eventually.

zoo9755 · 16/11/2018 11:35

I also kept screenshots of messages between them in case i needed them and I let him know this.

You should bear in mind that blackmail is a criminal offence.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/11/2018 11:41

I wasn't intending to use them as blackmail and never have - more in the divorce if needed. I told him because I thought it might save him the effort him trying to lie about having an affair in the divorce proceedings if I chose to go down the adultery or unreasonable behaviour route. I also told him because I was extremely hurt by what he had done and that was the only 'thing' I had. Thanks for the legal advice though.

MorrisZapp · 16/11/2018 11:44

I've no skin in this game but I never understand why 'karma' is seen as the guy cheating again, and not being cheated on himself.

Man is prize. Woman to be punished.

zoo9755 · 16/11/2018 11:49

OK. It's just that I've been on the other end of that sort of behaviour and my now XH struggled to understand that keeping hold of copies of personal messages so that he could threaten to send them to other people if I did anything (unspecified) that he didn't like wasn't OK until he was told in a solicitor's letter.

You may know this now but going down the adultery route isn't a good idea - no benefit and puts him in the driving seat.

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