Dp lost his job and lied about it

[TooMadToThinkStraight]

I've NC. Just found out dp lost his job 5 months ago. He said he wanted to find something new before telling me but when he couldn't things just snowballed and he didn't know how to come clean. I was pregnant, now have a 6 week old and he said he didn't want to put any stress on me. I'm furious at being lied to. I'm a SAHM and do all the shopping so have been budgeting on what I thought he was earning, but instead of a salary I've really been spending our savings which he was putting in the account to make it look like he was still working. That's all gone now the only money left is my inheritance which we put aside for a house deposit and for me to retrain so I can go back to work one day. So no we aren't out on the streets but this money was supposed to be for our future. He lost his job over a really stupid oversight but I'm not mad about that, shit happens, I'm mad that he's been lying to me all these months. I could have been so much more careful with our money, cut our cloth properly and made it last until he found new work. And I never even suspected anything was wrong - how can I trust someone who can lie to my face so convincingly for months? He's always been the perfect partner, kind, loving, a devoted father, pulls his weight around the house. I'm so blindsided that he would do this, I feel sick.

You mentioned in previous posts about his boss getting a message passed to you about DP’s quality of work.

I’d be tempted to get in touch with him to see if you could get the backstory to what happened prior to him being sacked, and seeing if it matched what he’d told you.

Did he write his cv today?

Yes he did go shop to shop with his cv this afternoon. He also got a call about an interview for another job related to his field. I'm sure he'll find work of some kind soon, that's part of what makes it so frustrating that he lied! The practical side of this could have been so easily solved if he'd just been honest!

I understand why people are suggesting contact his boss but I really don't think any good can come of that. At the end of the day if I have to go to those lengths to get the truth then the relationship is beyond rescue anyway.

Sorry about your situation OP, sounds like a tough time for your family.

I understand it’s a massive shock to find out he’s been hiding this from you for so long but I do have a certain amount of sympathy for him.. have been in his shoes before ( faced redundancy, and went from high flyer to jobless in a morning) it’s a massive blow to self confidence , and he really needs your support right now.

Given the positive things you said about him - loving decent partner, devoted father etc , it’s easy to see how he started off not wanting to stress you out. And then probably realised it was getting harder to tell you as time went by. Obviously , on hindsight he should have just told you, but people make mistakes... o think you need to sit down and maybe talk it out, but try to see it from his point of view.. he’s already under a LOT of pressure I’m sure..

Honestly, he's not an honest person, and he's also someone who is deeply selfish, allowing you to waste savings when he knew he didn't have any income to save his own pride is looking out for him and him alone. No thought of you and your son.

OK, spend two months looking for an ideal job, but after that he should have been looking elsewhere, even signing on and looking for something. The fact he hasn't extended his search in all that time and doesn't even have a broader CV for retail and didn't even bother with it speaks the loudest to me.

I've seen financial ruin by a selfish man, and this is what it looks like. My uncle was a selfish gambler (also keep an eye on that, the fact he wasn't working says maybe he was trying to win some money). Without her knowing, he had remortgaged her house twice, her own son, to gamble it all away. He was a smart man, a member of Mensa, had had a job in MI6, but could never hold one down as he only wanted to gamble. He didn't want to work at all.
It left her in financial ruin when she found out and then she tried to take her own life.

You cannot trust this man financially, that's what you know now. You are unmarried too, that leaves you in a vulnerable position.
If you stay with him, make sure you are firmly in control of all finances. He cannot be allowed to take control because you'll never know if he blindsides you again.

I agree with others, tell your mother. It's controlling for him to tell you not to, so he can still be thought of well in her eyes, as opposed to what he really is, and it leaves you vulnerable yet again and with nobody to talk to.

Personally, I think he's been lying before these five months about his work and job. He could be a pathological liar, he could also hate working and just not want to do it, but kept up a pretence.
If he really did lose the data, is it possible he did it on purpose to be fired deliberately?

The main point is though, that he is out for himself and not you as a family. He did all this to save his own face instead of help you financially and didn't even motivate himself to go out searching for work as your savings started to disappear.
Never trust him with finances again, it's all very well when people say you have to forgive and move on, but never allow yourself to be put in a vulnerable position by anyone, and clearly he wouldn't think twice about doing it to you.

Did he really go shop to shop with his cv? I didn’t know people applied for jobs like that any more. There are hundreds of retail and bar/catering jobs on indeed and you just press send with your cv if you want to apply.

No harm in going in in person I suppose but even when I was in retail in the 80s, we did not accept job applications like that or it certainly didn’t result in an interview or an actual job.

Just doesn’t seem the best use of his time if he actually did it.

I think you are a fool if you carry on being a SAHM. Do not continue being dependent on this man. Get yourself back into work as soon as you are able; he sounds just like my ex.

Unfortunately I think this is only the beginning of a very rocky road for you and I think that because I'm going through similar. I've been with my husband for 12 years now, I believed he was a wonderful man and I'd trust him with anything, there was never a doubt.

Cutting a long story short, I found he had been dipping into my savings, not paying bills and taking out payday loans despite us both working and apparently doing ok. I ultimately found out when we received an unexpected eviction letter. I've driven myself mad analysing the last 12 months and I cant understand his stupidity. Looking back at his elaborate lies and story's about why payments were bouncing and why he couldn't afford diesel etc, the problems could've been solved so easily by talking to me. We even went away on holiday which I would never have done had I have known it was paid for by a pay day loan. If I'd have known the difficulties we were facing I would have done a few extra shifts, or cut down on luxuries and I'm angered I was denied that control over my life. I'm angered that me and the kids were put at risk.

I can't ever see the trust coming back. My savings are gone and I'm working 60 hours a week to pay off the loans and credit cards. He's desperately sorry and making all the right noises, but I'm rock hard inside now. I look at him differently. Over the last 12 months bits of information and lies are still coming out, stuff I can't get my head around as I thought I knew him so well. Heaven knows what is left to come. I think my advice would to be check your credit report and try to ensure there's no unknown debt hanging around.

I have decided to stay with him because I still love him, and this behaviour is out of character and very recent. It may be salvageable, I don't know. But I make sure my stuff is completely protected from him now and one eye will always be open.

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment,and support me on this thread. You guys have seriously been my lifeline these last few days. We've had a big talk today and in the short term at least he's going to give me full access to all his accounts so I can see exactly what our financial situation is at all times. He knows that doesn't solve the problem of the poor judgement and the broken trust but I've agreed to put a pin in it until we're back on an even footing financially and then go for some counselling. He's given me the full story which actually goes back as far as February, and swears that there's no arrears, credit cards, loans, or gambling that I don't know about. Obviously there's only so much I can do to verify this so for now I just have to take his word. He knows that if I find out any more lies related to this or anything else them we're finished. I still don't know if we'll make it through this and I'm probably a proper mug for even trying but I believe that I owe it to my children to try. I think that if he can pick up seasonal work in the next few weeks then I can make our money cover what it needs to so I won't be touching a penny more of my inheritance. I'm also going to tell my mum everything. She's going to go fucking mental but I don't think anything about this situation can be improved by more lies. Anyway, I'm going to step away from this thread now and just focus on trying to fix things, but it means the world to me that you all took the time to give me your advice.

Glad to hear you are working things through.
Not much to add except that if it is a professional job, 5 months isn't necessarily a long time. My DH had a 12 month contract jobend this year, and it took an unprecedented 6 months and a lot of interviews for him to get a new one (thank you brexit!). It wasn't until 3 months after his contract ended and he was ready to start on taskrabbit that something finally worked out. I also had a new baby and it was incredibly stressful even with the full picture, I hope you have lots of support as there's a lot on for you, and that your DH finds something soon.

I think telling your mother is the right thing to do. I don't think it fair you should have the burden of the secret because he wants you to.

Good luck with it all, but please never leave yourself vulnerable. You say in the short term he is allowing you access, do not let this be a short term arrangement, the most important thing is to have financial security, and you'll never know when he could rob you and your children of that again.

Clearly there was further lies uncovered as it went back to Feb now. How long will he stand a mundane job he hates? Will he get himself fired or quit and not tell you? Will he resort to other things like cash day loans?

Anyone who lied this badly for so long will do it again without second thoughts. Just make sure you are always in control of the finances, and have something of your own as an escape fund. More then anything, you owe your children a safe life, which means their mother not being blindsided by their father and being independently financially secure.
I wouldn't trust putting any finances in his hands, ever, I'm sorry to say.

Also, check to see if he's taken any credit cards or loans in your name, and try your hardest to see if he has any in his too.

If you haven't changed the way you've been living, and he's been lying for so long, it's not out of the realms of possibility he has some hidden away.

He 'knows' alot OP, it's sharing that information with you that's caused this ridiculous situation in the first place, I hope it works out for you

If he is a genuinely nice guy ( and he is very good at wheedling you into a position which you can't resist) why would he not trust YOU with the truth?

Sounds like a lack of trust on both sides and having been married for over 20 years myself, trust is the bedrock of our happy marriage.

Without that you'll going to sign up to being his jailor and hawk and you'll never have peace of mind.

(FT for a game of soldiers!...just don't get married or allow him to contribute to household expenses if you want to preserve your inheritance...in fact get legal advice asap....)

I'm curious about your earning potential - you say you had a really successful job before you had children, but if you went back now it would be on minimum wage. Would your previous experience really count for nothing?

And I've done a PhD over 5 years (part-time). Is he saying that the last 5 years' of work is wasted, and there's nothing to show for it at all? He can't give up on all the work he's (presumably) been doing over the last few years. I agree it sounds as if there's more story there...

It’s always that same line

“ I did it to protect you”

It’s never I was dishonest as I had no backbone to actually tell you the truth as there was so much more to this than meets the eye and I would have to come clean about other stuff - so I’ve lived a lie for 5 months.

Sorry If this is harsh but this man is dishonest & he’ll be dishonest again as it’s the lazy or easy option. He know that next time you’d leave but this will just make him lie more to cover it up

Make sure you go back to work and are able to support yourself, whether you stay now and rebuild your own life or leave now, life will be hard. Living with a dishonest person will never be easy as there’ll always be a niggle is the truth being told or is part of it lies

You’re with a Walter Mitty and it’s doubtful he’ll change

Of course he doesn’t want your mum to know, your mum will support you and yet he doesn’t want you to have that support but talked of protecting you - how does that work? It doesn’t he was protecting himself and the reason he doesn’t want you to tell your mum is to protect himself - as he knows she’ll disapprove. Which just goes to show it’s all about protecting him

You’ll be the strong one and maybe you’ll hold the relationship together but if you let go the relationship will end as he won’t put the effort in to save it

So take care of yourself and two children and make sure you are financially secure

I don't think you should tell your Mum (or anyone else) about your finances. Surely it's a private matter within a marriage isn't it? Two adults are married why do the PIL need to know unless money has been loaned maybe.
I would get it if you were leaving him as this is the reason why but you aren't leaving him. If you have a chance to get past this, the fewer people that know about this the better. It's not lying to your Mum, it's simply not telling her something she has no right to know anyway.

I don't think you should tell your Mum (or anyone else) about your finances. Surely it's a private matter within a marriage isn't it? Two adults are married why do the PIL need to know unless money has been loaned maybe.
I would get it if you were leaving him as this is the reason why but you aren't leaving him. If you have a chance to get past this, the fewer people that know about this the better. It's not lying to your Mum, it's simply not telling her something she has no right to know anyway.

This is the kind of thing that leaves women quite vulnerable, not sharing what's going on in their relationships.

What if he does it again? What if they end up in an awful financial situation? Why should the OP shoulder what he's done alone without any emotional support?
He hasn't just screwed her financially, he's also been lying to her for months and months, whereby her trust in him must be shattered, and she's supposed to not even discuss how he's been treating her?
Why does it have to remain in the relationship? The only reason would be to save him shame and embarrassment, meanwhile the OP gets no emotional support at all.

Tell you Mother, she should be prepared for the fallout when you have to leave him for lying again

Let's not forgot it was 'keeping secrets' that has caused all this distress

Unfortunately I also know a story like this, however, it ended up with the husband in prison as he killed the wife and son and tried to kill hinself after but didn’t succeed. He went out of the house for over half a year ever morning as if he was going go work. I’m not saying that this is going to happen here btw.

Why I ageee that this is a major deceit I also wouldn’t be happy with myself, he does sound like he has been depressed if he can’t even write his CV in all this time and has personal hiegene problems. I’d ask him to see a doctor.

I agree largely with the consensus, but losing a job in that situation can be incredibly emasculating and cause self-worth and self-esteem to fall through the floor. The longer it takes to find a new job causes immense escalation of these feelings. Happened to me when we had a newborn, I was only out-of-work for 10 days but I still remember how I felt many years on. I cannot imagine the intensity of those feelings growing for five months.

It's clearly not right he didn't tell you, especially over so long. I do have sympathy for him. Wouldn't be a massive leap to think he's depressed.

My savings are gone and I'm working 60 hours a week to pay off the loans and credit cards. He's desperately sorry and making all the right noises, but I'm rock hard inside now. I look at him differently. Over the last 12 months bits of information and lies are still coming out

How much debt is there? And is working harder than you to pay it. I'm not sure I could forgove this, I think I would leave.

This is the best advice on here

Make sure you go back to work and are able to support yourself, whether you stay now and rebuild your own life or leave now, life will be hard. Living with a dishonest person will never be easy as there’ll always be a niggle is the truth being told or is part of it lies

You’re with a Walter Mitty and it’s doubtful he’ll change

Also good that you are talking to your mum. Secrets and lies will just strangle and trap you

do you have your own bank accounts that he cannot access ? please make sure you do