Dp lost his job and lied about it

[TooMadToThinkStraight]

I've NC. Just found out dp lost his job 5 months ago. He said he wanted to find something new before telling me but when he couldn't things just snowballed and he didn't know how to come clean. I was pregnant, now have a 6 week old and he said he didn't want to put any stress on me. I'm furious at being lied to. I'm a SAHM and do all the shopping so have been budgeting on what I thought he was earning, but instead of a salary I've really been spending our savings which he was putting in the account to make it look like he was still working. That's all gone now the only money left is my inheritance which we put aside for a house deposit and for me to retrain so I can go back to work one day. So no we aren't out on the streets but this money was supposed to be for our future. He lost his job over a really stupid oversight but I'm not mad about that, shit happens, I'm mad that he's been lying to me all these months. I could have been so much more careful with our money, cut our cloth properly and made it last until he found new work. And I never even suspected anything was wrong - how can I trust someone who can lie to my face so convincingly for months? He's always been the perfect partner, kind, loving, a devoted father, pulls his weight around the house. I'm so blindsided that he would do this, I feel sick.

But honestly, who the fuck knows

Can I just mention that this exact scenario happened to someone I know.

A difference being they had 3 boys all at boarding school.
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The DH had been lying for a year before coming clean after a major melt down by his wife and breakdown by him.

It ended with him committing suicide.

Please tread carefully and cautiously.

When my first DC was three months old and I was in the midst of post-natal depression, my DH announced that he hated his job and wanted to retrain as a carpenter. I'd been working on a long-term contract prior to giving birth, so didn't have a job to return to either.

Somehow the PND just made me accept it in a zombie-like fashion, so when my DC was six months I went into a demanding, full-time job, while my DH became a SAHD while retraining.

Whenever I raise this with him he always trots out "But that's what got you through your PND" etc. There's almost no culpability on his part whatsoever.

Best of luck OP - at least your DH didn't leave wilfully.

I don't think you should be covering up for him... he needs to face up to the situation he is in and i think telling people is part of the process. there should not be any more lies.

that being said, losing your job is brutal, and he will inevitably be feeling bruised and lacking confidence... the lies must have been eating away at him and he may need some counselling to help move forwards (as might you). he is probably coming across as panicked and desperate in interviews, which may be putting off potential employers. Thats not to excuse him from how he has treated you and recklessly spent your savings; but as you say you want to forgive him and get past this, then i think taking positive action to get him back in employment is the most important thing right now.

If he lacks discipline and you are struggling to trust him (totally understandably!), then you may need to take control of the situation and stand over him whilst he writes the CV and applies for jobs etc. He needs to show you what he has done every day to help demonstrate he is doing absolutely everything possible to fix this situation and to rebuild your trust in him.

really hope he finds something soon, as the longer this goes on and you have to keep spending your savings, the harder it will be to forgive him for the lies.

That's the thing, he's in the spare bedroom right now supposedly writing his cv, and I'm torn between wanting to go stand over him and make sure it's getting done, terrified to go in incase it turns out he's taking a nap or playing a game because I honestly think that'd break me completely, and feeling like no, fuck that, if he doesn't have the drive to resolve this without me standing over him then there's no hope.

Don't project manage him.

I wouldn't be averse to walking past ONCE to see what he's doing; for your own peace of mind more than anything, but you cannot manage or parent him.

He needs to learn to motivate himself and get things done. He will never hold down a job if he doesn't; if he ever finds one. Which he probably won't, if he doesn't put some effort in.

How are you doing? Do you feel like you're holding up okay, considering?

The deceit is terrible but your lack of support re money shocks me

You talk about being "partners" in terms of your finances but sound very resentful that you've had to use your inheritance to support your family.

@BirdieInTheHand it's the fact her DP lied and said that they were using her inheritance temporarily! They had kept that money aside for their future and had the OP known what was going on she would have budgeted totally differently to the way she did when her DP was working. I'd be fucking resentful too!

Of course I'm resentful! I'm an unmarried SAHM who gave up a fantastic highly paid career that I can never go back to in order to move abroad with him for this dream job that was supposed to kickstart the career of his dreams. Now if I try to go back to work without retraining I won't make more than minimum wage, so that money is my only security for myself and my children if our relationship breaks down before I've got back to work. If we break up that money is my lifeline, if we don't then it's our future. So he knows how important it is to me that this money not get frittered away. And if he'd told me when he lost his job that's what had happened then we could have made the money last while he looked for new work and I'd never have needed to take money from the savings. But you know what, if I had needed after all that to use my savings then I'd have done so without resentment. I'd have been upset but not resentful. If there'd been no other choice I'd have used that money without complaint. But there was another choice, all he had to do was be honest. So now yes, I'm bloody resentful. I'm resentful that he fucked up the work opportunity I made huge sacrifices to facilitate him getting, and I'm resentful that I was cut out of a decision that ultimately has put our family in a more precarious financial position just so he could save face.

OP you must protect your inheritance and please do not lie to your Mum

The fact that you are not married changes things imo.

Hindsight is 20/20

You are not married so you must NOT spend a penny of your inheritance or a penny of your ££ on bailing him out.

Could it be that he knew of your assets which is why he has aligned himself to you for an easy ride?

He doesn't seem to be that motivated and if he's in the spare room he could be gambling and gaming.

Erupting won't help so the cool, kind, gentle approach ( teeth gritted sweetly) is the only way you should deal with him as he probably is ashamed he has finally been caught out.

If you no longer trust him then it's better to cut him out of your life choices, may be go back to your mum's.

It's very telling he doesn't want you to tell your mum. What else has he done she hasn't approved of?

Tell her immediately. Prepare for even bigger shocks/ secrets to come out op.

If he has been gambling his ££ and yours then it would make sense why he hasn't got a job yet as he's been hoping to win it all back..as they do

My sister is in academia and is very successful but surely there is a grievance process before termination or did he not reach that level in his career? Did he plagiarize or cheat thus claiming he lost the data once he was getting to the stand and deliver point? So far his explanations are nonsensical and I would be very concerned if he had a secret alcohol,drug or gambling habit instead. Could he have been unfaithful and used family $ for his other life? His asking you to maintain radio silence makes me very concerned. The fact he has just started applying for a job makes me think he’s a pathological liar at a minimum OP. Please consider seeking outside support. Hell I’d probably pay a private nvestigator with my own cash because you surely don’t want random strangers showing up at your door if he owes money to others you know nothing about.

I'm afraid I would ask him to leave until he finds a job. Then you can think about taking him back. He just doesn't seem to give a shit to be honest. You said earlier you thought one of his qualities was hard working but it's now evident he's lazy. And untrustworthy. I would not be surprised if he's hiding debt. Extricate yourself asap.

And they can’t force entry unless it’s a criminal fine (which is why you shouldn’t let them in). Below is from the StepChange site.

*What can bailiffs do?
Bailiffs can only visit you after they’ve sent you a letter to let you know they’ll be coming. This letter is called a notice of enforcement and should be received seven clear days before the visit. Allowing for weekends, this means you should have a minimum of 9-10 days to either pay the debt in full or come to an arrangement to repay the debt in instalments. If you don’t do this, the bailiff will visit.

A bailiff can only enter your house through a door and in a peaceful way with your permission. They’ve got to let you know who they are and why they’re there. Bailiffs can’t use force to enter your home or break down your doors. They can’t push past you to get in either, or enter the home if there’s only a child under the age of 16 there.

Once they’re in the property, they can begin making a list of goods which they could later remove to sell at auction.

For most types of debts, bailiffs can’t force their way in to your home and in most cases we recommend that you don’t let them in.

However, if a bailiff is collecting a criminal fine they can use force to enter your home. This will only be done as a last resort and this power is very rarely used – bailiffs only forced entry on a first visit four times in the whole country between April 2014 and December 2015.*

Sorry about that - posted on the wrong thread!

To be honest the whole ex-boss told him he could work from home anytime he wanted and then changed his mind sounds like bs. And then ex-boss doesn't tell him directly sounds like shite too. Sending a message through a string of people to you in the playground sounds like a last resort after your dp ignored direct instructions to me. I take it this series of fantastically unlike events are your dp's version of events??

He was obviously in way over his head, losing data etc, and stuck his head in the sand, hoping it would all just work out. The fact there were obviously problems with honesty long before he got fired, shows a pattern that when things aren't going his way through his own fault he lies rather than tries to fix it and bullshites to try and avoid trouble.

You're possibly right, I am now thinking back over other things that didn't really add up at the time but I just took his word on. There was a lot of "this is normal in academia, this is normal in this country" etc but looking back I think that was bs and things must have been unravelling for a while. I really just need the full story. And you're right that that way if responding to problems is a problem, cutting me out and burying his head in the sand so that when shit hits the fan I'm blindsided and have had no time to prepare.

I just want things to go back to the way I thought they were. I want things to actually be the way I thought they were. I thought we were the perfect couple, totally open with each other, great at communicating, mutual respect. I honestly thought he would never do anything to hurt me. We've been through a lot together but it was always us vs the problem, it's never been us against each other before.

Can you, for your own peace of mind, contact the ex boss directly, tell him/her what has transpired with your husband since he got the sack and ask for the real version of what happened?

My ex did this many times. He doesn't seem to know what the truth is.

The whole situation is crazy, but the data loss? I thought it was absolutely impossible to lose data for good?
Was there some other reason he was sacked? Eg theft / fraud / gross misconduct?
Maybe he just jacked the job in when the pressure got too much?
I would be asking him to email his ex-boss for a reference and reading the reply.

I'll be honest: I'd be grateful I wasn't actually married to him and tell him to go while I thought about what I wanted to do. i couldn't stay with someone who could keep me in the dark in this manner, run down all our assets, and only tell me when he had no choice because he now needs to spend MY inheritance ... my children's future ... because he fucked up and then wasn't honest.

Whatever you do, don't spend your inheritance supporting him. Tell him to go.

I’m sorry, but I really think he’s still lying about things. It just doesn’t add up.
This happened to someone I know.
And at the end of the day, he didn’t like his job and he just didn’t really like working. So everything he did, he screwed up. There was no internal monologue saying “you can’t give up, you have responsibilities”

Get you’re career back on track. His track record with jobs is going to be the story of your life. Perhaps he should be a sahd and you should be the main earner. I can’t see why you can’t get back into your career.

Either that or leave him, because he’s never going to be the man you expect him to be, he’s proved that