Dp lost his job and lied about it

[TooMadToThinkStraight]

I've NC. Just found out dp lost his job 5 months ago. He said he wanted to find something new before telling me but when he couldn't things just snowballed and he didn't know how to come clean. I was pregnant, now have a 6 week old and he said he didn't want to put any stress on me. I'm furious at being lied to. I'm a SAHM and do all the shopping so have been budgeting on what I thought he was earning, but instead of a salary I've really been spending our savings which he was putting in the account to make it look like he was still working. That's all gone now the only money left is my inheritance which we put aside for a house deposit and for me to retrain so I can go back to work one day. So no we aren't out on the streets but this money was supposed to be for our future. He lost his job over a really stupid oversight but I'm not mad about that, shit happens, I'm mad that he's been lying to me all these months. I could have been so much more careful with our money, cut our cloth properly and made it last until he found new work. And I never even suspected anything was wrong - how can I trust someone who can lie to my face so convincingly for months? He's always been the perfect partner, kind, loving, a devoted father, pulls his weight around the house. I'm so blindsided that he would do this, I feel sick.

I'm sorry but he's lying, not even a professional con artist would be able to keep up the pretence in this situation.

I'd be examining every bank account that he has access to and I'd be asking him difficult questions about the data that he's meant to have lost, it doesn't add up.

Then I'd be divorcing him.

Take it from bitter experience he doesn’t want you to tell your family because he doesn’t want others to think badly of him, and then thinks can just go back to normal. You’ll end up looking like the nag when he buys something fairly innocuous and you go mad because you are meant to be living frugally.

If he genuinely wanted to “protect” you he would have found any job he could in the UK, worked whatever hours he could.

He’ll do something similar. My experience was with hiding debt and it happened again.

@greyclouds re his boss being a bully. Ops DP said he lost a significant amount of data in his own explanation of losing the job.

Sorry Op he is still lying to you. PhD tech savvy guy loses important data. I'm not having that. Way too simplistic. Is he trying to say that he never, not once backed it up. At the end of day he must have pressed ""save" surely?. That of his tale has more to run.

So sorry OP. I wonder whether those 'lost data' ever existed?

Could he have got to a crunch point in his thesis without actually having any data to show for it?

Just to be clear, he wasn't pretending my inheritance was his salary, it was his own savings he was using. My money is in a seperate account only I have access to. But when his money ran out I got a load of bull about failed transfers and there was only so long our landlord would wait for the rent so that's when I took money from my savings thinking it'd be repaid soon. This is the point at which I'm shocked he carried on lying, to see me so stressed about having to use this money and still not come clean so he could find a job? So selfish and reckless.

Yes I really struggle to believe he never in 5 years backed up his data. His boss wasn't mean or anything, but he was very hands off and basically wasn't very clear with dp about his expectations. Quite passive aggressive, which was common in the country we lived in. So for example he told dp he could work from home whenever he wanted, but then he thought he was doing it too often so instead of talking to him about directly it he told his colleague to tell his wife to have a word with me about it when she saw me at playgroup. But then when I told dp he still didn't go in any more frequently because, well, laziness frankly. The project he was working on was very overdue even before the data loss because he simply isn't good at managing his time. So I think the data loss was the last straw. I did know all of this but naively assumed they wouldn't fire him so close to the end of his contract. This was his first post doc job and I think basically this career just isn't for him, as much as he wants it it involves skills he just doesn't have. He was looking at moving into an industry job instead but so far everything's come back that he doesn't have enough experience. His story does hang together in this regard apart from the lost data. But I feel like if it's so easy for him to lie to me then I can't really know if this is the whole truth.

Sounds like he needs a job where he is supervised.bet he didn't do the research.

Re: could he have depression, it's certainly possible. I can definitely imagine that the stress of losing his job and the weight of trying to hide it might make him depressed. He doesn't sleep very well, rarely goes out unless cajoled, and his personal hygiene has taken a dive recently so I had been wondering if his mental health was ok. But he's always laughing and smiling and seeming fine, he's always (claimed to be) open about his emotions. Now that I think more about it though there have been times that he's seemed quiet and distant but when I asked him what was wrong he would just say he had a headache or something.

He definitely needs a job 9-5 under supervision, working from home/ setting his own hours just doesn't work for him. I never really pushed him to go to the office though as I liked having him around and it meant he got to see more of our children through the day. TBH though the practical side of things is quite easily solved, get a min wage job in the short term to tide us over, live within our means, and keep looking for a better job which I'm sure he can find sooner or later. He's had a few interviews just nothing that's gone all the way. It's just the lying that's knocked me for six.

OP you are absolutely right to feel the way that you do and there is no excising what he has done. However, I do really feel for him I can't imagine the way he must have felt to go to such extreme lengths. He must have been absolutely terrified and felt such shame and I can only imagine his mental health has suffered. This of course, doesn't excuse what he has done but I do have to feel a level of pity for him also

You sound a lot more clear-sighted than him about academia...

Thanks Pinkyyy it's hard to believe that after so many happy years together that I don't know his character. It's easier and less painful to believe that he is the man I thought he was but that he just got himself stuck in a desperate situation. But easier/ less painful doesn't mean true. Only time will tell.

Sorry you're going through this as well Stroller15

Mental health may be the issue. My DS is a post Doc data scientist. The notion of “losing” data is not possible. It’s for school children and the non tech savvy.

Whilst this is bad, if he is good in every other way then I would say it’s lesson learned and what a twat, but not leavable for. He did it because he felt an idiot and it dented his pride. My son aged 20 did this for a week last year , he felt he had let me down and didn’t know how to tell me. He does sound like a guy who is better in a controlled work environment.

Thanks to everyone who's replying. It's good to just word vomit a bit to try and get events straight in my head. Saw my health visitor today for our 6 week check and told her everything, had a little cry. She was really nice and talked me through what we might be eligible for. Dp is out right now taking our eldest to gymnastics. I haven't said two words to him since last night but I'm going to try and go over the timeline of events with him again tonight, push the points that aren't adding up to me, and take a look at his online banking. Hopefully he's already told me everything. Right now I'm prepared to try and move on from this, though it'll take time to rebuild the trust, but if I find out I'm still not getting the full story then at the very least one of us will be moving out for a bit.

WTF anyone with sympathy for the DH here is being way too forgiving that’s twisted and deceptive I would be devastated if my DH was able to lie like that about something that affects my life so much, we are supposed to be a team and that would be so far or if character I would feel like I actually don’t know him at all.

I’d seriously consider your future with DH. He has failed you and your child. This is a big fucking unforgivable deal. Sorry.

It's easier and less painful to believe that he is the man I thought he was but that he just got himself stuck in a desperate situation. But easier/ less painful doesn't mean true. Only time will tell.

Speaking with the view that you don't want to leave; I think the proof here is in the pudding. You know now. He owes your inheritance thousands. He has lost a job through not turning up when he needed too; and not completing or saving work - basically really basic errors. And he's compounded those by lying to you for months so he could be at home.

See what he does to fix this. I'd be expecting him to put real, visible effort into making it right. To be honest, I'd be unimpressed that he was taking your child to gymnastics at 11am on a Thursday - he needs to be concentrating on finding a job; giving out CVs, working on the reasons he lost the data and how he improves his time-keeping. His reference doesn't sound like it will be good - has he got a plan for that? He has applied for all the Christmas vacancies he can find; and the night shifts, and the times few people want to work? Has he visited anywhere to see if they need additional Christmas help but haven't advertised yet?

It's all well and good to lose your job and struggle. I'd hate to tell my DP that I'd lost mine; I'm quite proud. But he owed you that honesty and instead of that; he's spent through his savings, started to spend through yours and then disappeared to a class with your child. Nice for her; I'm sure, and probably for you to get a break; but he should be at work now and he needs to be. It's another example of really bad time management.

And talk to someone. Maybe not your mum; if you think that would be a bad idea in the long run - although only if you think that; not him - but friends; the Samaritans, your midwife, anyone. Don't bottle it up.

In fairness I asked him to take DS this week as the class clashed with my HV appointment. But I told him afterwards he needed to go to the library, print out a zillion copies of his cv, and just start going door to door. His response was that he hadn't even written the fucking cv yet because he'd been applying for stuff online yesterday (like, online application forms) so he would do it when he got home and then go out again this afternoon. It's a bloody retail cv, he has plenty of retail experience (including management level!) from his younger years, he could have knocked that cv up in an hour last night ready to go. I honestly just want to cry at his laziness and selfishness.

So he's been looking for a job fir 5 months but not typed up a cv yet he beeds to do so asap and upload it to sites like Indeed. Is he on linkedin? Presumably if you lived outside uk for several years he cannot claim jsa, but he needs to go to Jobcebtre and see what resources and job clubs he can use. Did he really sit upstairs "working" while you had a newborn and toddler to juggle?

He’s not been working for five months but hasn’t got a cv?! Like you said, he could produce that in an hour.

Sorry the story as he has told you is bad enough but I suspect there is even more to it. He has not been trying to get work in that time so what has he been doing?

He has a cv just not one tailored to his retail experience, he has one tailored to the jobs he was applying for (i.e. Academia/ related industry)

He's not just been sat upstairs,he has also been very involved with the kids and house, but in our previous country it's common to be given lots of paternity leave so I just assumed his boss had given him a bit more time off. I also suspect he's spent a fair bit of that time playing computer games and burying his head in the sand though, if im being honest with myself.

Not tricky to edit though.

If he signs up to indeed he can apply with an online cv which literally takes five minutes to complete and then he can attach it and apply for everything. Lots of catering jobs on there with shifts.

No not tricky at all LIZS, no reason he couldn't have done it last night ready to go today.

I think that's what he was doing yesterday Lovemademe