Dp lost his job and lied about it

[TooMadToThinkStraight]

I've NC. Just found out dp lost his job 5 months ago. He said he wanted to find something new before telling me but when he couldn't things just snowballed and he didn't know how to come clean. I was pregnant, now have a 6 week old and he said he didn't want to put any stress on me. I'm furious at being lied to. I'm a SAHM and do all the shopping so have been budgeting on what I thought he was earning, but instead of a salary I've really been spending our savings which he was putting in the account to make it look like he was still working. That's all gone now the only money left is my inheritance which we put aside for a house deposit and for me to retrain so I can go back to work one day. So no we aren't out on the streets but this money was supposed to be for our future. He lost his job over a really stupid oversight but I'm not mad about that, shit happens, I'm mad that he's been lying to me all these months. I could have been so much more careful with our money, cut our cloth properly and made it last until he found new work. And I never even suspected anything was wrong - how can I trust someone who can lie to my face so convincingly for months? He's always been the perfect partner, kind, loving, a devoted father, pulls his weight around the house. I'm so blindsided that he would do this, I feel sick.

A woman I knew did this. She took her flatmate's rent money and jumped on the tube every morning.

Only came to light months down the line when the landlord phoned the flatmate to ask what was going on with the unpaid rent.

She never did tell anyone what exactly she did all day. Utter mystery.

Thanks for the support everyone. It was all a bit complicated because we were living abroad and he was on a fixed term contract. Since he worked from home on his computer 99% of the time we decided to ask if he could finish his contract remotely so I could give birth in the uk. He told me his boss was fine with that - in reality his boss let him go. It turns out this was the last straw in a big back story of him underperforming at work and finally losing a huge amount of important data that he hadn't backed up. So when he asked to move back to the uk I think his boss just though "fuck this, you're more hassle than it's worth as an employee". That's my understanding anyway, but who know, it could just be more lies. So we were buying stuff in the uk on his foreign bank card then one day it stopped working. He gave me a plausible story as to why this was but in reality the account was just empty. I told him to just transfer his salary into his uk bank account but he kept on saying the transfer failed. He said he didn't know why, kept phoning the bank to try and resolve it, kept saying he'd tried to make the transfer again. During this time I supported us from my inheritance which is now depleted by several thousand pounds. I was really unhappy about this as he knew this was money I didn't want to touch for every day stuff but he kept saying he'd pay me back as soon as the transfer went through. Then today I came home and asked if the transfer went through yet and he broke down sobbing and said there was no transfer, no money, the account was empty and he'd lost his job months ago. He said he felt ashamed and a failure for having lost his job and wanted to protect me blah blah blah. But obviously I'm much more stressed now than I ever would have been if he'd told me the truth.

As to what he's been doing with his time, he was apparently looking for a new job in his field at the same salary. Those jobs are quite hard to find as his work is quite niche, and additionally we were quite specific about where we wanted to live. I knew he was job hunting but thought it was with a view to leaving his current contract early. His contract should have run for another 4 months. The rest of his time has apparently been spent trying to find/ recreate the data he lost as this was data collected during his PhD so represents about 5 years work. This is where things fall apart for me with his story. I cannot tell you how cautious he was over that data, wouldn't even let me near his laptop with a cup of tea in case I dropped it and he lost his work. He has a massive external hard drive and is very very tech savvy so I really struggle to understand/ believe that he never backed his work up?! Either he's a proper idiot, or it's more lies. Right now either option sounds equally plausible.

As of today he has started applying for any job. Supermarkets, office temping, bar tending, you name it he's applying for it. I have a small income of my own from a rental property so if he can get full time hours and we live cheaply we should be able to make ends meet, but at this point I'm already thousands of pounds down from supporting us these last few months. He's also asked me not to tell my mum and I think he's right, she'll seriously never forgive him and will put a lot of pressure on me to leave him. So I don't have any RL support right now. I don't want to leave him, as pp said I've only ever known him to be a good and decent man, I don't believe this was done in malice, but it's just been lies on top of lies for months. And as a result of his lies we're in a much worse position financially than if he'd been honest.

Jesus, sorry for the essay,

Op sorry I disagree about you not talking to whoever you choose about this. He is being incredibly selfish in suggesting that.

You are in a really vulnerable position, you need support. Please at least talk to the samaritans.

I agree that you need to find someone to talk to about this. The web of deceit is huge, regardless of his motivation.
I presume he's been making up takes about work issues he's dealing with. Chat about wok colleagues. Did he take paternity leave? Had he booked any annual leave?
I hope you can get past this, but for your own sake I strongly recommend confiding in someone.

Yes he said he was taking paternity leave. Whenever I asked about his work he'd just vaguely say it was fine, but the details of his job went way over my head anyway so we never talked about it too much. It's just the way that everything seemed fine up to now! I'll admit I was getting mega pissed off that he wasn't showing much tenancity to resolve the "failed transfer" issue, so at least that makes sense now. But I feel like if things had been shit recently and then he admitted this then I could say "ah, so that's why, this is the problem, ok we can fix that". But things have been totally normal, he's been going about whistling a happy tune, and then bam! Totally out of the blue! What if in the future everything seems totally fine and then bam, it turns out he's met someone else or wants to leave or has got into debt or anything! How can I plan my life when the rug could come out from under my feet any second without there even being any warning signs?

Wow. That level of deceit and the fact that it's only now he's trying to get any job would be for me personally, a see you later, I need space to think away from you.
It's immense what he has done and no wonder you are wondering how you can plan anything in the future from this.

You need to talk to someone about this mess, and I agree that this shouldn't be your mum. But not for the reasons you have stated. I don't think at this point talking to anyone either of you actually knows is a good idea at this point, Whoever you talk to has to be impartial. It could be from this thread and the differing opinions you hopefully get, will in some small way help you to work out the next step. Because whatever happens from now, isn't going to be an easy fix.

Omg. I would be beyond furious. Talk to your mum. You know she'll be disgusted at him but that's because he has acted appallingly.

I wouldn't be able to look at him for decieving me like that.

I'm struggling to believe this, so he lied about the job, probably why he lost the job. What he was doing all day, used your own inheritance to support you, even pretended to phone the bank about the transfer, you suspect he's still lying, and for some reason you think you've only known him as a good and decent man when he has demonstrated a level of deceit that most accomplished con artists couldn't even get their head round?

So he’s been”working from home” for 5 months, while you’ve been looking after the baby and house during his supposed working hours?

I’m speechless.

I disagree with pp saying they feel sorry for him and there must be a lot of pressure on him to provide etc. That would maybe excuse a misdemeanour like agreeing to working a bit too much overtime but lying to your partner on this scale for 5 months? I don’t think there’s ANY excuse for that.

I would be furious and lying is not ok
But - he was only trying to protect you
My grandad actually did this to my gran at one point - he was the most decent chap I knew and they were married over 60 years.

Have words with him about being a team and you are in it together and that he should have trusted and confinded in you not hidden it from you.
Then work out how you will tackle this together for the sake of your baby

The trouble with 'niche' industries, is that word gets around very quickly and reputation is everything.

He's unlikely to get another job in the same industry if he's got a reputation for incompetence.

What is good is that he is now applying for all sorts of job. He's desperate, ashamed. He dug a hole for himself and unfortunately has pulled you into it.

I think, with time, trust will be rebuilt and you will both get out of this. It isn't something he's likely to do again. You'd be surprised at how often people do this - they think it will be for a week or two and all will be well.

Very dishonest but if he is suitably repentant and trying hard to make up for it, you will be able to move on.

In the meantime for you.

You're all right, it's bad, it's really bad. I do believe he was trying to protect me, but I'm not a child, I'm an equal partner in our relationship and our finances are my business, not something I need to be protected from. I feel betrayed, disrespected, and used. I've been in an abusive relationship which included financial abuse in the past so am especially sensitive to this kind of shit, so it's good to know you all thinks it's as bad as I do. I do love him and I have only known him until now to be good and decent. We've never had a serious argument, never anything worse than grumbling over him finishing the last of the biscuits! If you'd asked me yesterday to name the things I love about him I would have included "works hard to support us" and "trust him 100%" in that list. Now I'm thinking over all the times in the last few months when he's said he can't come out with us or forgot to do x,y,z because he was so busy working, and it's boiling my blood. I've found it so bloody hard to trust people through my life and I did with him, completely, and I'm so mad at him for taking that away from me. I'm not going to do anything rash because at the end of the day we have 2 children, one only 6 weeks old, and this is his first offence of any kind. I want my relationship to work and my family to stay together. But I seriously don't know how you go about regaining trust after something like this. I think I just need a few days to process and think about what I want to say and then get it all off my chest.

He's been lying to you and now e wants you to lie to your mum!

I agree with a PP - please talk to someone, anyone in RL.

I cant imagine this level of deceit, I think I would be very upset at the thought that he could have made my life easier by helping more around the house - instead I'm assuming he has watched you care for 2 young children whilst he has been 'working'.

Tbh, I'm not sure I could forgive this level of lies as I'm very honest and give all in relationships and make it clear I expect the same back. But I understand that you want to keep your family together. Do you think it would help to say you don't want to talk about it at all for a week and get your thoughts down in writing and then have a discussion with him?

Sending you a virtual hug and hand hold

I know this probably is not what you want to hear, but this is probably the worst level of deceit I have heard. I really could not stay in a relationship with someone who did that. He is clearly an accomplished liar, so you really don’t know what else he is lying about. That rings massive alarm bells to me. It sounds like you don’t even know the full story? That would be my starting point, but as I say, I could not forgive that level of deceit.

and this is his first offence of any kind

Gosh, a first offence? He's been lying to you for months and months, from well before he lost the job, as he'd have known he was losing it in advance, you think he's still lying about why he lost it, and he even stole your inheritance and pretended it was his salary, and now you're saying he was telling you he was busy working as means of an excuse not to do something,

This is a level of deceit I also think most people couldn't get over.

I've heard stories like this before where someone is too ashamed to admit they've lost their job and have continued to leave the house and come home as if everything was fine. There would have been added pressure on him because you were heavily pregnant and then the new baby.
He's looking for something else and hopefully he'll get something soon. I hope he's not suffering from depression.

God I knew you were going to say he was an academic! It in no way excuses his appalling behaviour but it’s a kind of collective madness the way you’re supposed to live for your work. Jobs are so scarce not having one is total failure. Is his boss normal or is it a horrible bullying situation that has tanked his self confidence and made him behave with totally denial and panic? Not absolving him btw, I’d be as gutted and angry as you.

5 months of deceit? I am not sure I could get past this. And he doesn’t get to tell you who you can and can’t confide in. He’s removed enough of your choices already. I really don’t feel much sympathy for him, I’m afraid.

Oh OP what a mess! And with a 6 week old baby, I feel so sorry for you. I can relate to this very much, my husband also lied to me but about his debt while I was pregnant and I only found out the extend of it with a newborn 4 weeks ago. It's the level of deceit that is mind boggling and that I felt like absolutely everything is a lie, every chat about buying new furniture or going on holiday,all the normal every day stuff were all lies - that was the worst. I felt like such a fool for not seeing it all much earlier. If you feel you can talk to your mum about it, please do. You need support. I don't feel I can talk to people in rl, I feel too ashamed that we project this happy families but behind the scenes the truth is something else. I don't have much advice, perhaps a few days apart might give you some perspective? I don't want to break my family up either so I am giving my dh another chance (more fool me) - but on my own terms. Whether it will work, only time will tell.

With respect. How do you know it's his first offence? You know bugger all about him. Only what he has told you and he's told you a lot of stuff that is bollocks. I would be digging into a lot more than the bank account before I attempted a full appraisal of his personality as it stands right now.
This sounds harsh but it is meant kindly.
My Uncle ran up horse race betting debts against the house that he lied about for years. My Aunt (also my Godmother) eventually found out and she went into a mental decline that she never came out of. This is heavy stuff. Check his phones etc. You need to know EXACTLY what you are dealing with before you make any decisons about your future. He might be lying about all sorts of other stuff being as he found you easy to convince for five months.

Sorry I don't mean to sound as harsh as I did. I in no way meant to denigrate you. You would have no reason to disbelieve him if nothing changed. This is the sort of thing that puts the heebies up us all though as we look across the bed at our other halves asleep. Sometimes good men are incapable of doing the right and sensible thing and act impulsively. I personally would not be able to forgive this level of ....deceit? Lack of trust in you understanding about his fuck ups at work. Taking away my right to know what is happening in my own life. Stuff like that. I certainly wouldn't lie on his behalf either but I would expect him to tell my family not beg me not to. He is coming off as really weak.

I hope he's not suffering from depression.

Bingo!

That’s awful. He’s been sitting on his arse all day whilst you’ve been doing everything and using your inheritance to boot.

I don’t know if I’d forgive him but I guess you’re going to have to.

I would definitely tell your mum though