Dating a divorced, older man with DC when you are young-ish and childfree?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I'd love to hear a few opinions on this.

I am 29, single, never been married, no DC. I have a good career and I am financially independent. I'd love to have a family one day, although I am not in a hurry.

There is this really nice looking man at work. We know each other superficially, I know he is single, divorced with 2 DC who are around the age of 10/12. I think he is in his mid 40s.

I find him really attractive and I think he might feel the same about me. We have been subtly flirting at work events, and finally yesterday he asked for my number and texted me. We have been chatting and I think he might ask me out sometime soon.

I am not sure how I feel about going out with someone with DC though. I don't have much experience with children, and I feel a bit nervous about the idea of seeing someone with a family. I feel like a was a child myself until not long ago!

If you were my age and with no DC, would dating an older man with DC sound like a good call to you? Would you do it? Or would you look for someone around your age, with whom you can potentially do everything with "for the first time"?

I hope this post does not offend anyone and apologies if that's the case..

@heroverthere

Your post made me smile....
In summary - I married a wealthy older man, became a lady of leisure, so life is great. Hence - go for it....

The OP isn’t in that situation. It a colleague. Most likely a regular man, not a wealthy one.
So if it all develops into a relationship - a lot of the issues that your are shielded from due to your set-up - would popup.

So - I agree with others. It’s not a blanket - ‘no dating of people with children’ - and more specific:
you are in different life stages, there is a large’ish age difference - why go there?
There must be other men around. You are still young

The age gap wouldn't bother me but the kids would. Don't borrow trouble. Life is complicated enough with your own baggage. You don't need his baggage too.

It also holds true the other way...I'd never date a single mum and I know many men who also feel the same. They just don't want to have any the problems other posters have described.

Sunshine I am sorry about what happened to you.

In this case this man is already divorced and has been for 3 years. He has his kids (who live in a town 50 mins away from where we live and work) every weekend). I'd really have absolutely nothing to do with the end of his marriage.

Just really don't understand how a person in your position: good job, financial security, no ties, wants to have a family with someone who's also going through it as a 'first' would even consider dating this person, even for fun and especially a work colleague. Seems really daft.

dontjustwalkrun

I was going to say, if you just want some fun and to keep his kids out of it, why not? As a short term thing.

However, I have just read that he has them to stay every weekend! No way. When would you ever see each other? Crazy. Non-starter.

Add kids into the mix of your relationship and as others have said then it gets so much more complicated and messy.

I got together with a man 13 years my senior when I was 29. He had a child.
We went on to have more children together, but split up 3 years ago. The age gap just felt like more and more of an issue....it just felt like we were at completely different stages and wanted different things.
We are now both in relationships with people our own ages.

I was 22 when I met my now husband who was 30. He was divorced with a 2 year old who he has every weekend. I fell in love and 7 years later we are married with 1 child and another on the way. Still have his son every weekend.

However, it was not all sunshine and roses and has been hard work at times, but for me it was worth it.

All my friends have married people with no children and some have had and do have bigger issues than me and my DH so I think its swings and roundabouts. Every relationship is different.

No i wouldn't.

I know people who have been in a similar situation and it has worked out well. If you want children, I would establish fairly early on whether he wants more.

I dated a few divorced men with children in my mid twenties because at that age I thought they were more interesting than men of my own age. The big thing for me though was that when they got more serious I backed off because I wanted a man who was also a first timer and I didn't want to be a stepmother. The age difference will tell sooner than you think.
If you go ahead and in the end it doesn't work out you still have to see each other at work - how would that feel?
You have it all at your feet, don't settle for second best.

Every situation is individual and as long as you go into it with your eyes open then I don't see a problem.

• his kids should and will be his main priority
• he is a lot older and at a different life stage to you
• he may not want to get married and have more kids

I'm older than you OP and it's an instant deal breaker for me.

You'd have to be mad! Find someone your own age who's ready to move on to the next stage in his life, just as you are, rather than someone who's been there and will have commitment to his first family.

Ah, I know and I wasn’t trying to say you were responsible for the end of his marriage at all. I am just interested in this conversation I guess as I am interested to see where my ex’s relationship with a much younger woman in a different stage of life goes.

If you want some no strings fun then casually date him and see what happens. But if you're looking for 'the one' and I can imagine at 28 you may well be, then I would avoid.

The problem with casually dating someone is that often enough you can start to develop feelings for the person. Hence, why, personally, I just didn't even start.

I really really really wouldn't. You have everything going for you. You can afford to be picky.

its tough - just because you have children it does not mean you are undatable and only qualify dating women/men with children themselves. My sister was 24 when she went out with an older man who had a 8 year old daughter - they got on really well (they broke up because it was too long distance) but still - they tried for 4 years.

Being a stepmother is not easy sometimes, but it might be a different situation with different kids. Its not for everyone - how do you feel about it?

dontalltalkatonce

The problem with casually dating someone is that often enough you can start to develop feelings for the person. Hence, why, personally, I just didn't even start
Exactly.

Why casual date and allow feelings yo develop. Unless you're a robot that is likely to happen.

I hear OWs saying it's hard to let go because they're in love with the MM...and they only planned on a casual thing.

Just don't go there in the first place.

SandyY2K

place/value in the relationship market

Please expand.... I'm genuinely intrigued by how other people perceive this...

SandyY2K

Same here, please elaborate!

Same here, please elaborate!

You have to ask, Sonj? I mean, that you do is all the reason why you'd even consider touching this man with a 10-foot barge pole. He has huge commitments and ties now. His life is not his own anymore. His money isn't his own anymore. That's how it goes when you have kids. He's farther along in life, too (I am myself).

You're young, you have financial security, no ties, your life is yours to call your own.

Of course you're more of a catch in the relationship sweepstakes! Do you think most men who want a family of their own and want to do everything with someone else for whom it is a 'first' (and there is nothing wrong with that) would consider dating a woman in your colleague's position? Or go for someone like you?

That's what Sandy means, I think (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Just really do not understand why someone like you would even consider complicating her life like this. Or dating a colleague. Don't you think you're worth someone for whom this is all happening for the first time?

Of course he'll ask you out. You're a real catch.

If I was wearing your shoes, then sorry, no I wouldn't date him as lovely as he may be.