Dating a divorced, older man with DC when you are young-ish and childfree?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I'd love to hear a few opinions on this.

I am 29, single, never been married, no DC. I have a good career and I am financially independent. I'd love to have a family one day, although I am not in a hurry.

There is this really nice looking man at work. We know each other superficially, I know he is single, divorced with 2 DC who are around the age of 10/12. I think he is in his mid 40s.

I find him really attractive and I think he might feel the same about me. We have been subtly flirting at work events, and finally yesterday he asked for my number and texted me. We have been chatting and I think he might ask me out sometime soon.

I am not sure how I feel about going out with someone with DC though. I don't have much experience with children, and I feel a bit nervous about the idea of seeing someone with a family. I feel like a was a child myself until not long ago!

If you were my age and with no DC, would dating an older man with DC sound like a good call to you? Would you do it? Or would you look for someone around your age, with whom you can potentially do everything with "for the first time"?

I hope this post does not offend anyone and apologies if that's the case..

When I was 27, I dated a man in his 40s who had two teenage kids. We ended up having a child together. The relationship ended. After having a child myself, I realised what an incredible selfish person he was. He never put his children first.

Dating this man (with a view to establishing a possible relationship/family) I feel would depend on what other PPs have said-how he is with his children and their mother, if he wants more children, and if he would be a good partner (supportive, solvent, present) to you?
Definitely more things to consider.

Absolutely would not even consider in the scenario you describe for the following reasons:

1 You don't shit where you eat! As you the younger female in this set up you're the one worse off if you date and it goes pear shaped work wise. What is your employers policy on this? Many discourage, some outright bar it with good reason. It's intense, can be uncomfortable for colleagues (whether it goes well or otherwise) and potentially affects your work.

2 he has a completely different cultural and personal background/frames of reference to you. Having things in common is a huge factor in successful relationship. He has commitments and responsibilities you can't possibly understand. That all puts additional strain on any relationship.

3 if you want DC honestly at your age you can't mess about. I know many women are now ttc in their 30's & 40's, the biological reality is after 30 your fertility starts to decline. As he already has DC he may not want more DC (but may lie that he does - numerous threads in on here by women in relationships with men who already have DC, claimed they wanted more but who ultimately turned out to be stringing the woman along)

4 again, if you want DC you also need to factor in that mens fertility also declines, while not as markedly as women's it does, and also sperm quality declines meaning higher risk of abnormalities. Also he may have had a vasectomy.

5 being a step parent is a huge challenge and puts a particular strain on relationships.

6 3 years is not that long post marriage - at this stage there's often a lot of stuff still being worked out particularly with kids involved. If he's seeing them every weekend, when would he even have time/energy for you?

I'd strongly advise looking for someone closer to your own age and background who you don't work with.

Instead of planning your entire future around a guy who hasn't actually asked you out yet, why not just let things take their natural course?
If he does ask you out and you feel like you want to say yes, say yes. Enjoy that moment and see where it takes you? Get to know him and see if there's compatibility there?
I say this as a woman in the reverse situation.
I'm 36, divorced and I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. I'm with a 26 year old guy who has no children. He knows my kids come first so he is happy to fit around them. There's no angst with me and my exh, we get on well as friends and co parent successfully (I think!) so there's no issues there.
We're not making any plans for the future as yet, we've only been together 4 months and I'm fully aware this may not be a forever thing but we've both said we'd like to give it a go and see where we end up. All I'm saying is, instead of worrying about all the bits that might or might not happen later down the line why not just enjoy what's happening in the here and now?
I think if 2 people want to make it work then all the other bits work themselves out 🤷🏼‍♀️

I did that. Don't do it.

Nope.

Too many potential complications.

There’s the whole complex world of blended families I wouldn’t want to have to navigate.

Plus the fact he might not want more kids.

I think if 2 people want to make it work then all the other bits work themselves out 🤷🏼‍♀️

Get real! 'All the other bits' don't just 'work themselves out' when it comes to blended families, money, having more children, etc. And a 26-year-old man has forever to play the field and reproduce. He's having a fling. A female who's 29 and looking to settle down doesn't have that same luxury.

Wouldn't touch this with a barge pole, and not just because of the kids either. But also the colleague thing. He's 15 years older than you, is he by any chance senior and/or been there much longer than you? If so, if it goes tits up, who do you think is going to end up suffering at work? In situations like this, the younger and more junior female partner is often pushed out.

Absolutely don't even go there. Him having his DC's every weekend might be a good thing for him/them (but whose needs is this based around? Don't the DCs want to spend time with their mum?) but speaking from experience it's really hard to live with if you don't already have any DCs of your own limiting your freedom (sorry can't think of a better expression).

Even if you get on well with the DC I can virtually guarantee you will find it really tough never getting a leisurely lie-in by yourselves, only going out on a weekend as a couple for very, very special occasions and spending nearly all your other weekends doing stuff around the kids, never going away on holiday or weekends away unless it's all agreed with the ex.

Can I also say it's usually different when a childless man gets together with a woman with kids. Partly because the mum will in all likelihood be the RP so less likely to be a Disney parent which causes massive problems. Also women tend to have more societal expectations placed on them regarding wifework so will often end up doing most of the cooking, shopping, laundry etc for her DSCs in an effort to show she accepts them. Step dads however are just expected to be "nice" to their DSCs and they might end up doing the odd school run or cooking occasionally but 9/10 times the mum continues being the one doing the lion's share of the grunt work whilst step dad does the fun stuff. I'm sure there are exceptions but IRL I've never seen a step dad get roped into doing as much work as step mums tend to end up doing.

If you do decide to date this man and things get serious be very careful not to fall into the trap of being expected to replicate the role his ex held within the family dynamics whilst they were together.

@dontalltalkatonce
I am real. I just don't see the point in creating and stressing over issues that aren't there. Yes they are potential issues. But they're also potentially non issues.

When I say 'work themselves out' I don't mean fairy godmother style, I just mean surely it's down to the individuals involved to talk through what they want IF it ever gets to that point? Or they could go for a Nando's and have a laugh 🤷🏼‍♀️
She might go on one date with him and find out he eats his own belly button fluff and that would be the end of that.

And who says it's not me having the fling? ...so easy to judge from a few words on a screen without actually knowing anything.

OP, if you're going to do it, go into it with your eyes open, no expectations. In my humble opinion too many people live their lives worrying about ifs buts and maybes 🤷🏼‍♀️

To add... my dad had 2 DC's (me and my sister) when he met my now stepmum
She was childless and 20 years younger than him

He's 70, she's 50 and they've just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary
I also now have 2 teenage half brothers

Run for the hills! You have better options.

I did and married him that was 20 years ago. I love my husband very much and am very lucky to have the most lovely grown up step children, but it hasn't been plain sailing I think I would have chosen an easier path in hindsight.