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My husband does not want to have kids again after awful experience with ex wife

(44 Posts)
Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 11:07:11

I typed a really long and detailed version of this but somehow it did not load. I have been with my husband 15 years. We have a happy marriage. His ex wife has a lot of issues and his relationship with his kids has been hugely damaged. I guess what I am asking here is if anyone else has a partner that does not want kids again? How do you deal with it and is there a way to move forward?

Thank you in advance

OP’s posts: |
hamabr86 Tue 13-Nov-18 11:44:25

Is this something you really want OP?

greendale17 Tue 13-Nov-18 11:46:13

Surely you must have talked about his before if you have been together 15 years???

Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 11:58:03

Yes when I met him in my early 20’s he said it was something he wanted also. I said for me I wanted to be about 27. By the time I got to that age he had been in an awful court case about his kids being moved across the world (no connection with ex wife and country they moved to). So yes I did know before today but I have realised I am late 30’s now and my time is ticking or already ticked. I also think maybe it’s me and he would have a baby with someone else if we broke up.... I mean he had kids with his ex so why am I not worthy of being a mother. He assured me it is not me and I would love to believe that but I guess it’s just difficult.

I am just posting today as I read a thread from a much younger lady about to embark on the same journey I have travelled and perhaps this is the wrong forum to ask if anyone is further on this journey than me.

Thank you for your input. I do appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambling posts 😊

OP’s posts: |
greendale17 Tue 13-Nov-18 12:05:36

You need to decide which you want more? A baby or stay in the marriage? Would you resent him if you didn’t have kids?

Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 12:13:54

@hamabr86 that’s my conundrum.... I don’t want to walk away from a happy marriage and a home and life I love but i do feel that if he really loved me then we would have a baby together. I know he is a great father and I would love to parent with him. I am very confused right now and I was posting to see if any other step parents / second family parents had any experiences to share. I guess every situation is different and I should just be grateful for my life as it is.

Feel a bit silly for posting now 🙄

OP’s posts: |
NewLevelsOfTiredness Tue 13-Nov-18 12:19:02

He can really, really love you despite not wanting children with you. Children aren't the ultimate end-point of love for everyone.

That doesn't mean staying with him is the right answer if you desperately want children, but don't excuse it with "He didn't love me enough to have kids."

It is, however, very harsh on you that the experiences that led to him feeling this way occurred after you were together and he'd expressed an interest in children with you.

Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 12:20:23

He already thinks I do resent him. As i have said I mostly put the blame on me as when he met me he was ok with having kids with me but maybe over the years he does not think I am a suitable mother. Why else would he change his mind? Even as i type that I realise it’s also to do with his experience with his kids and his ex but I still find it very hurtful. He has told me to leave and find somebody else if that’s what I want (kids) as he just can’t offer me that. So he would rather lose me than discuss and if I left I am choosing the unknown (may not even meet someone I love again) over a happy marriage and no certainty of a happy family with a baby.

OP’s posts: |
Harpingon Tue 13-Nov-18 12:57:57

Does he see his other children? How old are they? If they are alot older then maybe he finds starting all over again daunting.

Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 13:17:49

They are early twenties and late teens now. I think it is the fact he has fought so hard to have a relationship with them (and he really has, I have seen his full efforts and supported) and has not been successful that perhaps he is scared of trying again. You are probably right @harpingon

When we fight over not ever having children I feel it’s exactly what his ex wife wanted and I kick myself for not doing it in the early years when I said out of respect for his existing children I would not as I knew their mother would tell the kids very vocally and regularly that daddy loved the new baby more which would have been 100% untrue.

However I made my bed and I was not asking for sympathy just if anyone else had experience with this and how they dealt with it.

Thank you all for your input and all of your questions have made me think and I appreciate that.

OP’s posts: |
hamabr86 Tue 13-Nov-18 13:51:22

This must be awful for you OP. I have considered if my DP said the same as he already has two children and honestly, I would leave. I could get over the breakdown of a relationship but I would probably not get over never having my own child.

I feel like its actually quite cruel of your DH to deny you something that he himself has had, and massively offensive that he is comparing you to his ex wife.

SandyY2K Tue 13-Nov-18 14:06:49

You'll resent him if you stay and time passes by....making it too late.

He on the other hand...could leave u and still have kids. Time isn't as pressing for men.

Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 14:12:24

@hamabr86 thanks. Yep it’s shit and I should have walked away a decade ago but how can I say that in that we have had a great 15 years together. It’s all so complicated in my head. I think approaching 40 and realising I can’t just go out and meet someone and start a family has hit home today. We have not spoken really since yesterday except for him to tell me leave as a baby is not something he can give to me. I guess I respect his honesty.

OP’s posts: |
legaladviceplease Tue 13-Nov-18 14:37:50

So he is prepared to lose you because he doesn't want a baby, but you aren't prepared to lose him because you do. The balance isn't fair.

I was with some several years ago who had children previously and had a similar battle with an ex to see them. He had also had a vasectomy. He told me that he did want children with me and was keen to get his vasectomy reverses when we were ready. Several years later in our relationship, children and a family started coming up more and more. He became more and more resistant and then said that he had made the decision that he didn't want any more kids. Having a family wasn't something that I had my absolute heart set on at the time and I didn't want to lose him, so I stayed and gave up the possibility of having a family for him. Later it turned out that he just didn't want to have a family with me. I wasn't important enough to him, for him to want to be tied to me for life. He cheated and broke my heart but it was the best thing that ever happened.

I dated again, said if I meet the right person and I am able to have a family, great! If not then that will have to be ok. I would rather be on my own and miss out on that chance, than with someone who is essentially taking that option away from me. I met someone, our relationship flourished, and three years later I am expecting our first child. He has a son already (19 years old). He wasn't sure he definitely wanted children again, until he met me. He wants to have a child that is a little mix of both of us, because he loves me. He is super involved already and we are so excited!!

I came so so close to missing out on this, for someone that wasn't prepared to give me what I needed. I look back and can't believe what I was prepared to give up for him (even though I wasn't convinced that a family was something I wanted).

Have a think, deep deep down, and really consider how important this is for you. Yes, you might not meet someone, and yes you might not be able to have children...but is he worth giving up that chance?

Good luck OP, and sorry if I have rambled on and on. Your post struck a chord with me!

Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 14:45:00

@NewLevelsOfTiredness your message is very sensible and I do in one part of me believe he really does love me. Every action in our life suggests he does adore me and I do everything for him in return. It’s the subject of children that divides us. Perhaps it is me being selfish pushing the issue. He has told me no. I can accept that or leave. I am the one who is being stupid hoping there is a middle ground.

OP’s posts: |
Doonethingniceaday Tue 13-Nov-18 14:52:12

So many huge congratulations @legaladviceplease I am so happy you found your forever partner and I am so thankful that you shared. My head is a mess right now. I don’t know what is right. I have barely eaten in two days and every evening he comes home I hide upstairs (after leaving a cooked dinner) not because he is abusive - my husband is the kindest man I have ever had in my life - but because I hate arguing and this will end in a fight. Which neither of us will win. I guess we want different things

OP’s posts: |
WhiteCat1704 Tue 13-Nov-18 20:47:44

No men is worth giving up motherhood for. Especially not a men that already has children. You are not as important to him as he is to you. Don't fool yourself with thinking that he is traumatised by previous experience- if he truly, really cared for you he would not ask you to sacrifice being a mother.

Staceyjas Tue 13-Nov-18 21:03:30

Hi I just wanna say I'm say I'm sorry you are going through this. I have experienced this and it. Shaped my life.
I got with my ex at 22
Broke up with him at 26 he had a son young and too went through court to see him etc he always said we would have kids one day but as time went on he changed mind
And was happy with his son. After we broke up he married my friend and had a baby with her! Turns out he didn't want one with me
Which hurt so much! I knew right than I was never goin to
Waste my years waiting on some one else to be on the same page! I then went on to have a baby and it didn't last but I've been with my current partner 3 years and he has children from previous relationship and we both agreed we don't want anymore. But he said if he had met me fell in love with me and I didn't already have a child he would have one with me. What I'm trying to say is your odds of conceiving is going down and I know you have been through lot but are
You really compatible as you are not on the same page, i believe love is not enough in this instance and when I look at my child
Now and I'm not even with her father even though b we both wanted her I would never wait around for anyone to fulfil a dream I would regret later on
How are
Things now OP? Xx

MrBirlingsAwfulWife Tue 13-Nov-18 22:57:03

if he truly, really cared for you he would not ask you to sacrifice being a mother

He's not!
He's saying he doesn't want more children.

moomin11 Tue 13-Nov-18 23:03:41

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it's so difficult. I went through similar and decided to walk away after years of trying to push it to the back of my mind and it keeping resurfacing. It was the right choice for me but the hardest decision at the time. Have you discussed this openly with eachother?

Jungster Tue 13-Nov-18 23:07:22

If he's been with you for 15 years and it's been happy then he is using his xw as an excuse in my opinion.

He knows you are not her but I guess he does not want to be the father of young children all over again and I get that but then I'm not costing somebody else their chance at parenthood.

Jungster Tue 13-Nov-18 23:10:05

You shouldn't feel foolish for posting this. This is a massive thing to have in your head. I bet it's doing laps constantly. I would go to a sperm donation clinic on my own and if you get pregnant tell him it's over.

blackcat86 Tue 13-Nov-18 23:12:37

When I met my now DH he said that he would never get married or have another child after a messy divorce and then getting a work colleague pregnant after a short fling (lots of issues with lack of contact, parental alienation, controlling behaviour, neglect of child etc). I was very upfront with him and from the first time he mentioned it and said that I wanted to eventually get married and have kids. As things progressed he started to think that actually things could be different and having another child wasn't setting himself up for heartbreak all over again. 4.5yrs later we're married with DD1 (13 weeks). After 15 years your DH either wants to do it all again or he does and if he doesn't then you need to decide how important DCs are to you and be upfront with him. DSS (14) is also excited to have a sibling and was a big part of our wedding including being best man.

Jupiter13 Tue 13-Nov-18 23:14:55

Just get pregnant and he will have no choice..good luck.

MrBirlingsAwfulWife Tue 13-Nov-18 23:18:43

Just get pregnant and he will have no choice

You forgot to signpost the OP to the lone parents section of the forum to go with that fucking stupid piece of advice

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