Dating a divorced, older man with DC when you are young-ish and childfree?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I'd love to hear a few opinions on this.

I am 29, single, never been married, no DC. I have a good career and I am financially independent. I'd love to have a family one day, although I am not in a hurry.

There is this really nice looking man at work. We know each other superficially, I know he is single, divorced with 2 DC who are around the age of 10/12. I think he is in his mid 40s.

I find him really attractive and I think he might feel the same about me. We have been subtly flirting at work events, and finally yesterday he asked for my number and texted me. We have been chatting and I think he might ask me out sometime soon.

I am not sure how I feel about going out with someone with DC though. I don't have much experience with children, and I feel a bit nervous about the idea of seeing someone with a family. I feel like a was a child myself until not long ago!

If you were my age and with no DC, would dating an older man with DC sound like a good call to you? Would you do it? Or would you look for someone around your age, with whom you can potentially do everything with "for the first time"?

I hope this post does not offend anyone and apologies if that's the case..

You may also get (If things go further) a proportion of your joint income going to his ex. I would really resent that.

I wouldn’t OP and I’m, so far, one of the lucky ones.

DH and are both each other’s second spouse, he has two DC and I didn’t have any. I was older than you are and I’m very happy, love his DC and we have one on the way but it’s so much more to take on than you could ever imagine, even when the kids are lovely, your DP/DH is supportive and a proper rather than a Disney parent and the ex is manageable. Your life won’t ever really be your own and you won’t know what that means till you’re probably in too deep.

I’m sure he’s lovely but it’s more complication than you need at this point in your life. Keep looking!

You're almost the same distance away in years from him as you are from his eldest. It wouldn't be for me.

I would date and cohabit with someone with kids. Or 10 odd years older. But not the mixture (IYSWIM). I'm a similar age to you. I think a big difference is I wont be having kids, though. So in a way if I were to be single again in the future I would suit someone who has already had kids (and doesn't want more). If I was single, childless, settled and able to have and wanting kids I would want to be with someone either without them themselves or with kids who would be a similar ish age (e.g. not 15+ years older by the time a new baby comes along).

I also wouldn't be surprised if he had a long marriage if he hasn't had a vasectomy. Loads of men I know 35+ with kids have. I'm not sure what % of men do, but if you do date him and want kids it's worth finding that out before investing any more thought or time into it because that'll be a non-starter.

I wouldn’t.
I’m divorced. My ex H has to pay maintenance for our children. He has another 10 years of this - handing money over to the mother of his children.
Go out and meet a man your age who doesn’t have children and do all the firsts together. You deserve that. He has had his firsts.

Nothing wrong with dating and having a good time with him, if it progresses that far. In your shoes I wouldn't want a closer involvement than that with a man who has children.

It sounds like my initial hesitation is shared by most PPs..

The idea of it is quite daunting to be honest.

I met my DH when I was 30. There was a smaller age gap (8 years) but he had 1 child who was 9 at the time (plus his relationship had also only ended relatively recently). I almost ruled him out because of many of the reasons given above but I didn't. 10 years later we're very happily married with 2 children of our own. It hasn't been plain sailing in many ways but is totally worth it. Don't put your head in the sand about the potential challenges but it can work. I would try and find out what his relationship with his ex and his children is like - in my case it was all positive (healthily amicable relationship with ex and great Dad to his child) so I went for it and am very glad I did!

When I met DH, he was 31 and I was 20. He had recently split with his xw, they had been married for 8 years, and she had a son from her first abusive marriage (she met DH when she was pregnant) that DH had PR/SGO and the son calls DH “dad” (something, anyway despite not being DCs dad he is the closest thing he has ever had to a father as his real DF was in prison for trying to kill his DM)
Hearing that complicated chain of events - I should’ve stayed well away according to everyone I knew.
BUT
Fast forward 7 years my life is AMAZING
We are all doing great. And I love being part of a giant lovely disfunctional family.

Dating him won't do any harm to start with, I wouldn't expect you to fee involved with his kids at all for a long time anyway.
If you really get on and it looks like you have a future, then kids can be introduced later on.
I met my husband when I was 21 he was 32, he has been married really young and had a DD, I was a bit weary to begin with but soon realised we were just meant to be together, so here we are 15 years on married with a beautiful DS together, and I have a lovely SD ,who i have always said to her, She has a mum and a dad, so we just can be friends. We have always got in brilliant. I am very lucky and glad I looked past the divorced and child thing, you could go with a single fella with no kids and he be a horror. Judge the person on himself first and see how it goes

All manner of seemingly bizarre relationships CAN work but you (all 4 of you) would need to have the positive frame of mind to make it work.
His children are possibly about to enter a more 'difficult' phase, changing schools, possibly boy/girlfriends etc so you would have a lot of 'catching up' to do.
I would go on a 'non date' date, go somewhere for a walk in the park and chat. An hour would give you a much better idea.

Don't do it.My first dh was in that position and I hated it tbh,I was too young to understand that I couldn't come first all the time and I resented his child.

Run....the chances of it working out are tiny. It will be hard going even if it goes well. The kids are at hard ages. Will he really want to start over again? Why did his marriage break down to his first wife. It won't be nice to find out the answer to that question once you're in with your own kid. If you have DC they will have a complicated family life from the word go. You're young. You won't be forever. Now is the moment to be choosey. Don't waste your youth on a battle you don't have to fight only to find yourself worn out and childless in 10 years.

I am the same age as you and there are LOADS of men in our age range with NO kids.

I have one DD but am very happy my current boyfriend has no kids :) honestly it means less money and more stress.

I’m a stepmother. I met my DH when I was 35, he was 36 and his DC were 6 and 4. It was love at first sight for both of us and nothing could force us apart. Our family is very happy. However, I would not encourage anyone to explore a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship. You have to be very smitten and committed to make it work.

I think you would be mad. Not only the children but the age gap. There have been a few threads recently about age gap relationships where the woman is younger and whilst it wasn’t a problem at the start of the relationship it becomes more so as the older partner (usually man) slows down.

Sonj it just doesn't make sense at your stage of life and in your position with this man who's so much older and has so much baggage. And the risk of 'just dating' and 'having fun' is that you might find yourself getting attached to him. You're in the prime of your life and a prime catch, why sell yourself short?

Its probably a bad idea to date co-workers anyhow.

Don’t do it. You might think having the DC EOW isn’t that big a deal, but you can’t predict what might happen and they could end up having to live with him at some point. Not to mention all the unforeseen teenage drama.

I did the exact same thing and it did work out. We are still together 10 years later and have two of our own. But there has been a whole lot of compromise on my part in between and there still is now they are adults! It’s perfectly manageable, but would have been a lot easier and hassle free with a man without kids. Unless you are in love with the guy, pick someone else!

I can only advise off my experience, I was mid 20's and he was 40 when we met, separated (now divorced) with 2 DS's and 1 grown up DD.

Best decision I ever made, 4 years on and we are planning on trying for children of our own, my step children are my world, we own a beautiful house together and co-parent really well with his ex.

People will always advise off their own experiences and I'm sure many people have had awful experiences with it being the wrong time in their life or them not wanting the same things.

A date is a date, not a full time long-term commitment, it doesn't hurt to find out more about him and then you can gauge off that whether it is smart to pursue or not.

You miss 100% of the chances you don't take

Not much advice I'm afraid but interested in the posts as my husband had an affair with someone 12/13 years younger than us, from work. It broke up our marriage and family and I am very interested to see how it pans out longer term (this was 10 months ago). She is 28 and he is almost 41. He has 2 children 11&12 , she has none. He also now has an angry ex wife. Good luck to her!

Depends what you want. If you don't really want marriage and kids and are happy with occasional grown-up dates and hot sex when the kids are with their mum, fine.

If you want a family of your own some day... Avoid. It's a hell of a lot of baggage, heartbreak and pain. I wouldn't ever date a man with kids should something happen to DH.

Oh, and my ex had the snip a year or two ago...so no children for them (at least not very easily but I know he doesn't want any more anyway).

No. No. No. Look on the step parent board op, that should put you off
Stick to childless men, is my advice.

If you really get on and it looks like you have a future, then kids can be introduced later on.

Tricky balance though isn't it. We waited for me to meet the DC till we knew we were getting pretty serious but I wouldn't have wanted to wait much longer and be head over heels and then realise he was a shit Dad.

We all know people who can talk the talk about how their kids are their world but are rubbish at actual parenting, or make a fuss on Facebook but can't really be bothered, so it mattered to me to see what they were like, and what he was like with them.

It's too late when you find yourself properly committed to learn you can't stand how someone is with their children - no discipline, too much, does a weird baby voice with them, no boundaries, too many, ignores you when they're there, overly dotes on you and ignores them - a lot can go wrong and then you have to extricate yourself.

Not my experience thankfully but you don't half hear stories.