Dating a divorced, older man with DC when you are young-ish and childfree?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I'd love to hear a few opinions on this.

I am 29, single, never been married, no DC. I have a good career and I am financially independent. I'd love to have a family one day, although I am not in a hurry.

There is this really nice looking man at work. We know each other superficially, I know he is single, divorced with 2 DC who are around the age of 10/12. I think he is in his mid 40s.

I find him really attractive and I think he might feel the same about me. We have been subtly flirting at work events, and finally yesterday he asked for my number and texted me. We have been chatting and I think he might ask me out sometime soon.

I am not sure how I feel about going out with someone with DC though. I don't have much experience with children, and I feel a bit nervous about the idea of seeing someone with a family. I feel like a was a child myself until not long ago!

If you were my age and with no DC, would dating an older man with DC sound like a good call to you? Would you do it? Or would you look for someone around your age, with whom you can potentially do everything with "for the first time"?

I hope this post does not offend anyone and apologies if that's the case..

You can date him without involving his DC at all.

Nope. Wouldn't touch a man who had kids with a 10-foot barge pole when I was your age and had no kids. Just too much baggage and I wanted to do everything first time with someone who was doing it the same. Plus, sorry, but I wouldn't have entertained that big of an age gap, either. Why complicate your life?

If you want to have a family then personally I’d choose someone else.

His 10/12 year olds should be his main focus for the next 6 to 8 years in terms of his money and time, surely?

If he was willing to marry you and have babies with you at their expense he’s not the type of man I’d want as a dad to my children.

If you’re happy with dating / having fun, go for it!

No, wouldn't bother with that. Would stick to finding someone similar age, the age gap is too big and his priorities will be very different.

My advice would be to steer clear unless you are head over heels about him

Read some of the step parenting threads on here to give yourself a flavour of what getting involved with him could mean!

Nnnnnope. Been there, got the t-shirt. Avoid avoid avoid.

Oh, definitely read the step parenting ones! Or the ones from women who got with someone who already had kids and the bloke then decides he doesn't want any with her or only one when she wants two . . . it's just setting yourself up for needless complications. I'd stop flirting with him and just keep it to friends only. Also wouldn't date someone from work, either.

A. Depends if he wants more children. He might not
B. If he is actively involved in his childrens lives you wont necessarily be able go on jollies at the drop of a hat
C. You have to accept you wont be his ultimate priority. And if you are, you dont ever want to have kids with him.

Only a year or so older than you and speaking from experience avooooooid. I wish someone had given me the same advice. I'm now in love with the person and it's just one huge mess.

f he was willing to marry you and have babies with you at their expense he’s not the type of man I’d want as a dad to my children

So no one with kids can get married again or have more until their children are 18?

YOu are at very different stages of your life.

Whilst you want weekends away having fun, he has children to care for and pay for. It really isn’t worth it.

Look for someone at the same stage of life who isn’t restricted by his family.

Hi OP, I'd pop over to the step parenting board to see some accounts of relationships where the man already has children.

It depends how long ago he was divorced, if recently then definitely not, if a few years ago and he seems over it absolutely

Honestly no I wouldn’t. In the long run you will probably regret it.

Being a step mother is really hard work.
I’d actively avoid this personally let alone the fact you’re at different stages in life.

For the next 10-ish years he'll have two teenagers and his life will be heavily affected by that fact. You'll be nearly 40 by the time he is "free" . It's up to you - but unless you are madly in love with him I'd give it a miss.

I am younger than you and married to a man with DC from a previous relationship. We got together when I was 24 and he was 33.
We are very happy together. It definitely can work. At first I was put off by the fact that he had kids and I didn't want to like him as much as I did. I kept telling myself that it would be a short term thing because I didn't want the complication. But we fell in love and I wouldn't be without him now.

But it can be hard at times. You need to think about what is right for you. It's not for everyone.

That's why it's best not to pursue it at all because then you 'fall in love' and get entangled in all the mess.

I'm 28

I've one DC who is a dream and no bother

DP has two in primary school and is mid forties

If I knew what I know now..

I do love him though

You really aren that young. You’d most likely be wasting your time if you are serious about having a family.

If you were my age and with no DC, would dating an older man with DC sound like a good call to you?

No

Would you do it? Or would you look for someone around your age, with whom you can potentially do everything with "for the first time"?

I wouldn't. At 29 with a good job and no DC, I wouldn't consider a man with kids.

Bluntly speaking...we all have a place/value in the relationship market. Yours is higher than his.

Any future you have with him is financially impacted by his obligation to support his kids and possibly even his Ex with spousal support.

Dh was 23 when we started dating and I had a 2year old. We been together 8years married for four and had another two dc together, never been happier.

I wouldn't go near a man with kids never mind preteens. You might end up playing mum at 29. Also it would be really annoying for to have your plans quashed cause 'he has the kids that weekend'.

I always said I'd never be in a relationship with someone who had children til I met dp. I've never been happier and his kids are lovely. However, I don't want to have my own and it has meant some sacrifices on my part compared to bring with someone who didn't have children.

I was blown away him though. If you don't feel that way then it could be harder. Also I think that the fact him and his ex co-parent well together and she hasn't tried to put barriers up between him the kids helps. It would be much harder if she has behaved like some women I've read about on here with their ex's partners.

Some of the responses on here are sad.

I'm married to a man 15 years older than me. I was 25, he was 40 when we met. He had a 9 year old son from his first marriage. We only see DSS EOW so it's really not a big impact on our lives. But DH was divorced for many years before we got together with 1 or 2 serious girlfriends in between, not sure how I'd feel dating a newly divorced man.

I gave up work to be a trailing spouse cum lady-of-leisure and love my life. DH and I now have 2 small DDs together.