I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

It's weird that you didn't know his surname until after you met. It's weird that you hadn't been to his house in 5 weeks and it's weird that he got annoyed with you for googling him. He obviously has stuff to hide.
Lucky escape there OP

If this guy is the same, he would have known that for you to know his dob, you would have needed A LOT of digging.

This is also not true. I own a business. When you google my name Companies House comes up. Takes about 3 seconds. It's not like she's written a dossier on the bloke.

The level of overreaction on this thread is ridiculous.

OP I don't think it was unreasonable that you looked him up. You probably should have just never told him.

I would be interested to know how you'd feel if it was the other way round. If he had told you he knew his exact date of birth and then alluded this was because he'd researched you through google, accessing several online sources (companies house, facebook, linkedin, news articles etc). Would you feel creeped out at all?

Also from a male perspective I can say that a lot of guys have had a relationship in the past with a girl who has been too controlling or untrusting - secretly going through phone, cross-interogating their statements all the time (but last week you said X and now you're saying Y). Maybe he's had a similar experience and just didn't want someone like that - and your admission of searching online for info about him so early on might have given him the impression you could be that type of person.

Chalk it off as a lesson learnt - don't tell them in the future!

If this was a woman saying a man she met on line dating had googled her dob and address you lot would be going batshit and telling her to phone the police

I have never seen a thread where this has happened. Feel free to link.
Are you male? 'You lot' is a peculiar term to use.

Of course you google potential dates on OLD. His was a complete overreaction and you have had a lucky escape.

That's what Google is for

@NRPDad finding out any of that would not bother me in the slightest as I said in my original post I totally expect to be googled.

As far as I'm concerned if you're putting yourself on any kind of public forum such as OLD you have to be prepared for most things. Googling is no different.

I fb/google everyone, I would probably even CH too. In this day & age what's the point of having this info at our fingertips if we can't use it. Your dating past has taught you to be wary so it's totally understandable that you online stalked him. His reaction is possibly justified but maybe he's worried about you finding something ? I wouldn't chase him

• hopefully he'll come round, if not....NEXT

Also from a male perspective I can say that a lot of guys have had a relationship in the past with a girl who has been too controlling or untrusting - secretly going through phone, cross-interogating their statements all the time

The only (very few) female friends I know who have done this to men have been those who had an instinct something was wrong and were proved right. I am sure it also happens vice versa.

Anyone who doesn’t Google a date is an idiot.

I Google companies before I spend money with them and that’s far less investment and risk for me than is required to be dating.

Anyone who isn’t bright enough or lacks the empathy required to understand that isn’t worthy of my time. You dodged a bullet there OP

I agree with rainbowquack

people do do it. But no-one admits to it. One of my dates googled me (I am also a director) and told me he'd looked through my work history, had read interviews with me and press articles and wanted to know what a gap in my linkedin profile was and I blocked him and never saw him again. I found it totally bloody freaky.

it honestly does feel very weird when someone does it to you that early on and then drops it into conversation or asks you about it

people do do it. But no-one admits to it. One of my dates googled me (I am also a director) and told me he'd looked through my work history, had read interviews with me and press articles and wanted to know what a gap in my linkedin profile was and I blocked him and never saw him again. I found it totally bloody freaky.

There's a happy medium though. Your date sounded like he was interviewing you for a position at his firm.

Imo you did the right thing googling him. He is a complete stranger to you and you are only protecting yourself by doing so. Tbh I'd say as much to him as well. If he can't see why a woman would want to check the stranger she was meeting and understand it with his reaction, I'd want to bin him off anyway.

I didn't meet my DH online but I still googled him and I thought most people did. A guy I went on a few dates with in my late teens/early twenties once dropped into conversation that he'd found my brother or dad on companies house and knew my address. I found that incredibly creepy because he must have done a lot of digging.

I think he's overreacted a bit but then I wouldn't have told him I knew his date of birth and address.

Most people google each other, like many people on here said, maybe admitting it is a bit odd. Especially remembering date of births!

However, have you considered he actually does have something to hide that you haven't found yet? I would say that's why he's probably gone.

🙈 I’m getting married next year to a wonderful chap I met OLD- I googled the SHIT out of him!

I was a (reasonably attractive) 25 year old woman OLD in a society of gang rapes and unexplained disappearances 🤔 like hell im not googling you.

He knows, he doesn’t care, he had nothing to hide!

He overreacted. Sorry you’ve been hurt now. You did nothing wrong. Do you really want to be with someone that touchy and easily freaked about something, which could potentially save your life?

You did the right thing googling but better to stay quiet next time if everything he told your was verified. I googled a date as we were going to go on a second one. His LinkedIn showed he’d lied about his age. I mentioned it to him and never heard back. BUT he did change his age to one closer to his real age afterwards . Google throws up a lot of interesting info - it’s there to be searched. If someone is in a high profile job, they shouldn’t be at all surprised that a lot of info can be verified online.

Then there was the guy where there was not a shred of info online at all. Not one single bit. He lied to me initially about where he was from and then admitted his true country. He was v v paranoid about his personal details. He told me I shouldn’t reveal my surname to any dates. That was truly creepy

I am female, but from the bloke' S perspective it seems very controlling early on. But like I said earlier I am an Ser and subscribe to the " what goes on on tour ,stays on tour maxim". I think people have every right to their privacy and this guy has a"locked down" facebook- he is telling you something there. FWIW I think thks shows fundamental differences in attitudes which you may have struggled to overcome. For reference I don't open my husband's post , read his bank statements or look at his phone. To do so would feel like "spying" and would suggest I didn't trust him. I think that's the vibe he may have been getting.

I am an Xer, bloody autocorrect

I didn't really consider he had anything to hide but I like to try and see the best In people.

In the 4 weeks since I googled him he's actually been very forthcoming about himself and his life.

You dodged a bullet

The man is batshit

If it's out there in the public domain it's fair game

That's why I never give my surname or area of work until I trust them 😊

I'm sorry you're hurt though. OLD is very unforgiving.

Your only mistake was to tell him you’d googled him. In this day and age, anything you can access online about somebody is in the public domain and there for others to read.

Not the same thing but I didn't google my ex's new partner before meeting her. I didn't realise I was supposed to. She was a bit affronted I hadn't as she'd clearly researched my life. She is slightly famous and was clearly a bit put out that I'd not shown equal interest in her.