I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

He is married with kids and cheating online. You are probably not his first affair

Otherwise why get upset. He is hiding something very big

Op’s ‘Mistake ‘ was that she told her date that she googled him. He didn’t like it. It doesn’t necessarily mean he has anything to hide

I'm not sure that it was the fact she'd googled him that he didn't like. It reads as if the problem was she'd been covert about it:

I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date.

I wouldn't care if someone googled me but I would care if they had been "holding" all the information they'd discovered without mentioning it. It does seem a bit single white female/stalker.

As PP mentioned for example if you find out someone is into a particularly hobby by googling and then you act all into it, how would they know if it was genuine.

I think if you are going to google someone you need to be 100% upfrong about it right at the start. Either that or not mention it at all.

A drip feed dropping it into the conversation several dates in does feel a bit lacking transparency. It's that that may have upset him. He may have his own issues with previous partners lying etc that he brings to his reaction.

You don't have to fish for companies house, it is always top of the list.

Yes, he overreacted big time. Let him sulk.

Yes we all do it, but you never tell the guy that you have. It's all supposed to be very secretive when you do it!
It's a bit of a harsh reaction from himself, but he sees you as a bit creepy now. We've all been creepy etc and a bit stalkerish but you keep it to yourself! 

I've never googled anyone (for private matters). Wouldn't occur to me.

I wouldn't be happy if anyone did this to me, especially information potentially giving an indication of my financial status. Seems a bit like a due diligence. Would be a potential deal-breaker for me, after such a short time.

I think that if he’s reacting like this to you admitting that you googled him weeks ago (especially after your previous experiences!) then he’s really not worth bothering about, as unsympathetic as that might sound.

I have googled everybody I’ve been on more than one date with (once I’ve known their surname) as it is fairly amazing what you can find out, and it makes me feel much safer. I wouldn’t be at all bothered if a man revealed he’d done the same to me.

I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong (including telling him that you did it, it was an accidental reveal after all) and think you have dodged a bullet. I am sorry it’s upset you though, he was a complete nob to tell you that you’d ‘fucked up’ x

I would feel really spied on.

Perhaps he has experience of stalker ex's? I had a stalker ex once and this is exactly the sort of thing he would have done.

What’s wrong with looking up someone?
Often I do it in order to double check stuff for work, eg what they have published.
Facebook, Instagram and linked in and companies house are useful.
Everyone should google themselves occasionally to see what nonsense is out there.

If he's nothing to hide he's no reason to act like this.

Perhaps he has experience of stalker ex's? I had a stalker ex once and this is exactly the sort of thing he would have done.

And maybe OP has equally bad experiences with exes and wants to tread carefully?

Either way, they're obviously not a good fit and best to know now.

Mmm. If you were a man OP, you'd be roasted. You're not getting roasted because you are not. I wouldn't like it myself and I wouldn't do it to other people. If I'm meeting them in real life, my antennae works just fine and I don't open myself up to abuse.

However outraged some posters are on your behalf, you did this - and then you foolishly blabbed about it. Your decision, now respect his.

I think, as a woman, I would definitely Google a man I was interested in, especially if I had children. For safety

I wouldnt, however, memorize his birthday then drop that info on him. It makes you seem crazy and I would be highly uncomfortable for him.

I don't see why you had to let him know

Bio - I think it's the covert way it came out to OP's date. Would have looked a bit creepy and/or underhand.

If she'd have announced she had googled him it wouldn't have been so bad. But she was forced to admit it, after knowing something he knew he'd never told him. It suggested she herself knew that it was something she shouldn't be doing as otherwise why was she concealing it? Also it wasn't "just" Facebook, it was that plus something that seemed to indicate she was interested in his business and/or director/ownership of a company. Not saying it's wrong, just that would quite possibly just bebtoo much in one go, I guess, for him to accept.

The only thing you did wrong was to let him know!!!

I remember a case of a dating scammer who claimed to be Keir Starmer who at the time was the head of the CPS. The scammer managed to con several educated intelligent women out of significant amounts of money. I couldn't believe not one of them had googled him especially as he claimed to have such a high profile job (and an unusual name!).

In my online dating days I was a prolific googler and thank goodness I was. I dodged several bullets as you will see in these examples.

There was the man who contacted me 2 weeks after his wedding day (used his wedding photo as his FB profile photo!). Also turned out we had a mutual FB friend so was able to get the full low down on him before meeting (which obviously we never did!!).

There was also the apparently respectable physiotherapist who I found had been struck off after being convicted of DV and harassment.

And finally there was the one who despite not being convicted of any criminal offence became a bit of a cause celebre when he abandonned his child at a Police Station to go on holiday when the child's mother went awol.

As I always say 'google is your friend'.

Also a man has less reason to Google a woman for safety or previous convictions as it's much, much less likely that a woman will pose a threat to a man. Not impossible but considerably less likely.

Google away but STFU about it...

I Google everyone and everything!

Butchy exactly and I would understand that too. But OP said she was looking for some perspective and obviously she knows her own already?! So I'm just giving her a possible perspective from his side.

What’s wrong with looking up someone?

Nothing if you are up front about it. It's the doing it ages ago and keeping it underwraps and then only coming clean because you accidentally get caught out by revealing you know someone's birthday that's the problem.

I totally agree with @SundayGirls

Bio - I think it's the covert way it came out to OP's date. Would have looked a bit creepy and/or underhand.

I’d be furious if someone googled me.

But that would be a bit daft, wouldn't it? It's near-inevitable that people leave a trail all over Google - I certainly do, primarily via my current and past jobs. I wouldn't assume that someone I meet has googled me, but equally I wouldn't be either surprised or offended to discover that they had. If I objected, it seems to me that it's up to me to try to get the information taken down, and if I don't I have no right to complain that someone accesses publicly available information.

I would always Google someone.. and as someone else said above, I do it for companies I want to spend money with. At the end of the day, you're investing your time (and money in my previous example!). You need to make sure people are who they say they are in this electronic age. He's a fool and it would make me think he's hiding something.
I googled my boyfriend... nothing exciting but things matched up, which made me trust him (talking very early days). It did come up in conversation a few months later, I asked him if he ever googled me, and he said no. I remember feeling a bit miffed!

"He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me."
Well, fetch the smelling salts and the fainting couch, the man is having a hissy fit!

Seriously OP, you have dodged a bullet. His is such an extreme overreaction, it smells fishy to me. You met online, not via friends or even friends of friends. He was a complete stranger (and largely still is). In the circumstances, only a fool would not have googled him. He CLAIMS he's only ever been honest with you - but that's all it is, a claim. You have no way of knowing if that is true. And it's a funny thing for him to say, IMO. He's equating you checking him out online (when you'd only met him once, so still a stranger to you) with you accusing him of lying. In what effin' world would a sensible woman accept the word of a near stranger as undeniable truth? NONE! But in his world, you are to accept his word as gospel and question nothing, despite your previous experience of people you have met in similar circumstances being untruthful. Which he knew.

If he were half-way rational he'd see that you googling him was a simple measure of self-protection, not an attack on his integrity.

And there's the heart of the problem - he is so self-centred that you taking steps to protect yourself from him-the-stranger offends him. Because he's so OBVIOUSLY above suspicion, beyond your doubt, how could you possibly consider him to be a lesser fallible mortal when he has deigned to step down from his pedestal to notice lowly little you?

Be glad you haven't wasted any more of your time on this man, because when you get right down to it, he's not worth it.

Well of course he would do a runner! Good on you for checking but confessing is rookie. You scared him tbh

His reaction isn't strange, not everyone is comfortable with the internet telling the world everything. Some people like to start with a first slate and build some trust.
OP's bad experiences have made her this way and that's fair but when you start a new relationship you can't bring all your issues from previous experience into the new relationship.

If this was the other way round you all would be calling him creepy and weird! He'd have trust issue and be controlling.

I think OP you need to understand what you did, and be happy that he wasn't for you.
It's simple really, and better now that you know you to aren't matched then dating longer and having more feelings.