I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

PinkHeart5914

A quick google I think most people do it but it’s creepy as fuck so you don’t admit to it

So everyone does it but lies about it? What a load of shit. If you are honest with someone and they can't handle it then they aren't the one for you. Bin them and move on.

If you are on any social media, own a business, have been in the local paper, are on Linked in etc etc etc then ANYONE can find you!

There is nothing wrong with what you did, I would do it to.

Your mistake was in admitting it to him and he has every right to feel upset about it. Chalk this one up to experience I think OP. Respect his right to want to break things off and keep it to yourself next time.

Hope you're ok xxx

No.

Stop blaming the OP for what happened because she didn't lie!

I blocked someone I met on a night out who googled my name and workplace ( I have a distinctive first name) and then sent me an email at my work address.

To be fair though, my reasoning was that if I had wanted to give him my contact details I would have done and I found it intrusive and it creeped me out ( I then insisted my contact details become un-google-able at work!).

I know on OLD it can sometimes seem that you have messed up what could potentially have been the relationship you were waiting for, but the truth is that you were early stage and 127,400,087 different things (exactly that number, it's science, honest) could have gone wrong which caused this not to work out long term.

It's totally disappointing when you finally meet someone you feel excited about and some thing goes wrong. But don't give yourself a hard time about it being this one thing which caused it not to this time.

It's a miracle relationships ever get off the ground in this day and age ! (Except my next date - that one will deffo be the one, science...)

But if a man had googled the OP and that told her he now knew her exact age, where she lived and worked etc. People on here would be screaming red flags red flags contact police he is most likely a stalker etc

Maybe so, but nobody tells men that when they go on a date they should meet in a public place, let a friend know where you're going and leave details of who with, not to put photos of their kids on their profile etc. Dating is very different for men and women - something men will never understand.

FWIW to me, if he had nothing to hide he would be understanding about you checking him out. I'd just be relieved that you haven't got entangle with someone who has no empathy or understanding of lide for women.

It's nothing to do with privacy, this was information in the public domain. This was just a sensible precaution that many women will take in one form or another.

If you are honest with someone and they can't handle it then they aren't the one for you. Bin them and move on.

This.

I think I’d actually be flattered that someone was interested in me enough to think me worth googling! I certainly wouldn’t get the hump about it. It’s quite funny really. Maybe it’s more the fact it was like you didn’t believe him re age / etc rather than just doing it from being nosey. I think you’ve dodged a bullet, he sounds very dramatic!

entangled & life

sorry, rushing as it's school run time!

Dating is very different for men and women - something men will never understand.

No, this isn't true. The men that are worth dating do understand.

A man meets you on a date admitting he’d googled you and knew your date of birth. Creepsville

You didn't do anything wrong. My old best friend found out the man she was seeing and in love, with wasn't divorced and still living with his wife.

5 weeks is still early. Move on.

I think he's massively overreacted here. My partner (we met on OLD, been together 4 months now) told me not long after we started dating that he'd googled me and even google mapped my house .... I thought it was quite cute 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it depends on the circumstances.

When I last did online dating years ago, a guy messaged me with no profile picture. It became a bit of a joke that when we eventually met, it would be a ‘blind’ date, although he knew what I looked like. When we went on said date, he admitted that he’d used clues I’d dropped into conversation to find me on Facebook and so knew my surname etc. I was really upset by this because there was already a power imbalance in how much we knew about each other. I didn’t see him again.

I recently met someone at a party, a friend of a friend’s BF. What started as a ONS ended up a week long fling while he was visiting from his hometown. He went to show me something on Facebook and I could see he’d searched my first name and area as well as my friend’s name and area. I thought it was very sweet and proof that he liked me more than for just a brief fling. We’re still in touch and I’m planning a visit to his hometown soon.

I can completely understand your reasons but also get why it might have freaked him out. Just chalk it up to experience - don’t ever tell them you’ve googled them.

Well I get that this is what people do these days.
I’m still uncomfortable aboutbut whcihbis why I have so little about me on the internet.
If this guy is the same, he would have known that for you to know his dob, you would have needed A LOT of digging.
It clearly made him uncomfortable. And so would I.

I googled someone after going out on a date with him. We met up and he was so overwhelming, talking about holidays together we could do, how he could come and stay with me, how, as we had a shared interest, I could invest some money into his company so we could share the interest even more. Prior to that, we had been speaking on the phone an awful lot. He loved everything I said I did. He would send me text messages first thing in the morning to wish me good morning and then last thing at night to say goodnight. I sort of felt he was too full on to be honest.

After the date, when I did Google him, I found out he had been married 3 times, he told me only once and that it was over 20 years ago. The third wedding was only 3 years ago! I looked him up on Companies House and found out his company was in real trouble financially. He told me he lived at a certain address, implying it was his but in reality it was rented.

I dropped him like a ton of bricks and ended up having a rather amusing rest of the day where he bombarded me with reasons for his deception, how much he had fallen in love with me and then when I would not budge, he sent me a load of abuse.

Definitely worth Googling a date.

I have a friend who seriously liked a guy - they were about 6 weeks in when she decided to google him, so suspicious behaviour from him but I think she just did it because of the same reasons you give - she has been messed around a lot in the past

Anyway - she found a news article from his home country with his name and picture of him. He had killed a previous girlfriend and had done time in prison for manslaughter.
Even with that information (which he hadn't told her in the previous 6 weeks they had been seeing each other) it took her a while to get hi out of her hair

In short, as previous posters have said - it was the wise thing to do but to tell him, not so wise :)

Whatever you did, I don't like his reaction to it. Saying 'you fucked everything up'. He was annoyed but he still had a choice to treat someone with respect. I don't see that you disrespected him. You looked him up (like most people would) and you were honest about doing that.
If he'd just disappeared without saying anything or simply said 'I met someone else', 'I got back with me ex' or any old excuse for not seeing you again. But he basically turned on you in a nasty way. Not nice.
If someone told me they'd been misled in the past, and they had googled my name and saw me on the companies register I'd be okay with that. Especially if they sort of joked when saying it as in 'tee hee I did happen to spot your date of birth it was all just there'.
You may have dodged a bullet to be honest.

@MyBrexitIsIll it wasn't A LOT of digging Companies House was the 2nd or 3rd entry that came up.

• No suspicious behaviour I meant

Probably a bit ill-advised to tell him that you looked maybe. But I think his reaction speaks a lot, and not in his favour. Personally I think you may have dodged a bullet.

I don't think you should have apologised, I think you should have responded right back at him with indignation. He should apologise for going totally OTT at someone checking him out when he was a complete unknown stranger to them. Does he not understand how vulnerable a woman potentially is? Does he not care for your safety?

If protecting yourself means ruffling his precious feathers then fuck him.

oh and someone I was talking to on POF tracked me down on Facebook, he sent me a message saying he hoped I didn't mind. I didn't, as I liked him so I found it quite flattering! I don't have anything too personal on there but I'm pretty sure he could have found out my birthday and pieced together a picture of me from whatever is public on there. And we hadn't even been on a date! Your guy totally over reacted and I'd be wondering why. YANBU

It's the modern equivalent of asking around and ending up knowing the man courting you co owns the local butchers' shop with his brother and attends the Methodist church.

@RagingWhoreBag that's happened to me too but after I told somebody on OLD that I wasn't interested after a first date. He then went on to track me down on Messenger also!

Except that people don’t expect you to go have a look at that sort of info Indie
In your eyes, it might have been first page on google.
In his place, I would have wondered what the heck you were looking for. I mean do you usually look up people on there??

I think he's reaction was highly disproportionate. I agree that you shouldn't have revealed this to him BUT you did and it happens. His reaction is really silly, especially if you both really get on, plus you explained your reasons and even apologised. He sounds like he might secretly be a bit volatile or huffy.