Should I stay or should I go?

[Sarah2302]

Would you stay in an inhappy relationship with your husband who treated you like the paid help because he earns more and who just disrespects you at every turn or do you stay because you have a 2 year old daughter who you don’t want to mess up but will end up loosing your soul as a consequence????

Believe me you will not mess her up by leaving, what will mess her up is you staying in a relationship where her mother is downtrodden, neglected and extremely fed up ! What does he do/ say that’s nice and loving ?

You have to think about the kind of relationship you're modelling to your dd. Do you want her growing up thinking it's OK for men to treat their wives like dirt?

Leave while she young and you can create a new routine and life
Otherwise you got years of rubbish

He goes to work and earns money, that is what he says he does for me, other than that nothing. I’ve posted a bit lately, I’m on the verge here, I don’t want to stay anymore but I’m so worried about upsetting my baby, she loves her dad and visa versa. I’ve had a lot of advice, I just want to do the right thing. Why does it feel so hard when all you want to do is be without him but feel sooooo guilty. Wish I wasn’t so sensitive!

I’m in exactly the same predicament Sarah. Except I have 2 children.

I’m keeping notes and gathering information. I think next year I’ll be getting out of here! Good luck

You will not mess your daughter up

I left a marriage as I was unhappy (and tbf, my ex on paper was great but I'd called out of love with him)

My children are not messed up. We co parent well and I'm a better, happier mum to them now

Here for notes too

In my experience get it over and done with before it gets messy. At 2y its not likely to affect her much. I was that age when my dad left (had an affair and new babies) and i hadnt a clue until someone told me years later.

I made the mistake of waiting it out now my kids are older and have their own opinions.
I tried ending things a few years ago and basically the kids were begging me to let him back....another kid later and theres not much improvement at all. I feel dead inside

Op in 2012 I was you. I had a 2 year old andi was pg with dd2. I walked because honestly fuck that shit. Exh actually posted on here wanking that he earned good money and I was ungrateful so you can imagine the dressing down he got. I have never looked back x

That made me laugh....fuck that shit!! Too true!

Believe it or not there are millions of children out there with separated parents who are not messed up. I think it's only on MN that it seems that living in a single parent household is the absolute worst thing for a child.

You can leave and your DD can still have a good relationship with her dad if you both put her needs first. My exh and I have a very successful co parenting relationship and our DS is a happy thriving child.

My experience is that children at far better off being in a home where their resident parent is happier, and that it also brings stability for them because they are not caught in the middle of any conflict.
Yes, they may well be subject to other rules and conditions where the other parent lives, but they are very adaptable to it as long as the other parent is not abusive.

Don't let your daughter growing up thinking that's ok. I would go and never look back

@Sarah2302 in all seriousness we went on holiday in the last month of our marriage. Exh was vile. I remember looking at dd1 my doe eyed blonde angel thinking I have abandoned my own happiness for you and totally believing this was the right thing to do. Then exh pushed me too far and I left anyway. Since becoming a lone parent I have been a better parent in every way. I am focused, loyal, child centred and the girls know mummy is always there and always emotionally present. I would have abandoned their happiness if I had stayed.

He has broken your marriage by treating you like the paid help instead of being a loving husband and father.

I have recently separated from my husband after over 5 years of debating if it’s the right thing to do. I have 4 beautiful children and was very concerned about the impact it would have on them. Although it was my decision and I do feel guilty about breaking the 20 year relationship, I can honestly say the household is calmer, more balanced and more fun. We have an amicable co parenting arrangement ( touch wood so far so good) and even though my entire family of inlaws have disowned me... we are ok. The children are happy, I am happier than I have been for a long time and feel I can breath again. My ex maybe not as great but perhaps they realise now that working me into the ground for years and allowing me to hold the family up for so long with relentless criticism and negativity was well.... just not right or by any means a happy balanced relationship. What I have learnt is, it’s how you manage the impact of the decision you make. My ex can be a fiery character at times but we seem to have managed and with minimal impact on the children. Just do your best for yourself and the children... in a way that has minimal conflict. Thats all I can say from what I have learned so far. Good luck!

My H also has a firey personality and it’s making me nervous about what will happen. I said it was over a few months back but he went mad, first of all telling me all the things I do wrong, then all the things he has done for me then he cried saying I’m taking his daughter away then just a mix of everything. I gave in in he end but nothing has changed, he will never see any merit in what I do and I am starting to believe that I don’t have any. I’m so so nervous about this whole thing, he is going to be so nasty and will want everything as he believes he has paid for it all. Last time he even said he wanted the wallpaper. Despite me working part time and doing everything else. I’ve also already paid for half our house upfront, the other half is mortgaged but he is paying. I then pay all the bills!

Hi Sarah,

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Staying because or for the child is not a good idea and a particularly bad one in your case. It teaches the child that your relationship was based on a lie and that is a terribly heavy burden to place on a child. It also shows them that a loveless relationship is their norm too. He is abusive towards you as her mother and is therefore not a good father to his child either.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from the two of you?. Would you want her man to treat her like this as an adult, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

do you stay because you have a 2 year old daughter who you don’t want to mess up
Staying WILL mess her up.
She will become a victim just like you and choose a man just her dad.
Do you want that for her?????
Speak to a solicitor and see where you would stand.
Do you have proof that you paid half for the house?
Proof that you pay all the bills?
If so then your DH is in for a shock.
Solicitor - today!!!!

Yes I have proof as I inherited half and all the bills come out of my account!

He goes to work and earns money, that is what he says he does for me

Bullshit. I called my DH out on that one once with a simple question:

“If you’re working for DD and I, doesn’t that mean if you were single you’d only be working part time or happy in a minimum wage job rather than a career?”

Queue long pause ended by me saying, “So you’re not doing it for us, your career isn’t affected, and your life is little different to what it would be if you’d never married and had a family!”

He’s never pulled that shit on me again.

I wish I wasn’t such a victim, self doubt is getting me. I wish I was stronger than this.

It’s a process Sarah

Your eye are open now and you’ll be more aware of everything he should and shouldn’t be doing. Those things will add up and you’ll find you indignation, irritation and then anger so you’ll actually draw a line.

One thing I would say if that if you aren’t ready to leave then be honest to yourself about why. It won’t help you to hide behind not wanting to affect your child. Your DD deserves a better model of a relationship than you’re both giving her. So if you are ready to leave because you you’re worried about how thing will be in future, give it some serious thought as to what your fears are. From there you can make plans and think those fears through. It’s only by doing this that you’ll feel braver and do what will need to be done for you and your daughter.

I should just say I’m projecting massively here so apologies if this isn’t applicable to you. It’s just that my mother used me as an excuse as to why she stayed. It wasn’t until I was an adult that she admitted she wasn’t ready and so it wasn’t about me. We are NC now. It’s a pattern she’s followed her whole life, finding reasons not to do things and blaming others.

Go now, while your dd is young enough to adapt. I left when my ds was 3. By 4.5, me & Ex had established a routine that means ds now regards separate living as normal.

The longer you leave it, the worse it will get for your dd. And you deserve a better life than that.

Go now.
It doesn't get better, only worse.
You currently have options, a job and only one child.
Further down the line, you will, possibly, have more children and be too afraid/downtrodden to leave.

Taking your questions in turn - no, I wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship with a H who treated me like paid help because he earns more, and disrespects me.

No, I wouldn't stay to avoid messing up my DD.

Like PP, I strongly believe that staying in a relationship like that, where children see their mother treated badly and disrespected is far worse than leaving. Children learn by modelling the behaviour of their parents in the first instance - what message is your DD getting about what a relationship is meant to be? She is likely to seek out a relationship like that, or put up with a relationship like that herself when she grows up - because it is her normal.

I think the media has a lot to answer for when it talks about "broken homes", "failed marriages" etc - all those negative words. I do not believe that getting divorced/splitting always damages children. I have 2 children, their dad and I divorced when they were 3 and 1. They are balanced, rounded people, they are not broken at all. Because we have both been better parents apart than we were together. Even if only 1 of us had been a better parent apart, they would still have been better off - because we weren't happy together, and they weren't seeing a healthy relationship. Your DD can still have a loving relationship with her dad - and that is his responsibility to nurture.

You aren't being over sensitive. Any change like this threatens our normality, our sense of comfort zone (even when the status quo isn't comfortable). It can be scary and uncertain. What is it that you are most nervous/scared about? If you can identify that, you can put plans in place to combat it.

Ask yourself what it will be like if you are still here in 5 years' time.