Should I stay or should I go?

[Sarah2302]

Would you stay in an inhappy relationship with your husband who treated you like the paid help because he earns more and who just disrespects you at every turn or do you stay because you have a 2 year old daughter who you don’t want to mess up but will end up loosing your soul as a consequence????

I wish I wasn’t such a victim, self doubt is getting me. I wish I was stronger than this
He has made you like this.
That's what they do.
Destroy all self-confidence. All self-esteem. Everything.
You become a shell of your former self.
Time to rise.
Time to be YOU again!
Take back that control of YOUR OWN life.
You CAN do this.
It will just take a bit of time.

Thanks for all the advice. I doubt my frame of mind. I have another post going slightly different question so sorry if you see me twice. In brief I lost my dad 6 months ago from cancer, it was horrible and I had no support from my H leading to me having a breakdown at Xmas, it was so scary. Before this over the years he has been verbally aggressive, threatening, hides money and puts me on the spot if I spend any. When ever I want to leave I always here the same thing, I left my family for you I have no one here ( we met in the UK as he was living here at the time) He has put up with my anxiety, which most of the time is over him. I just want him to go but he always verbally makes it my fault that the relationship is failing. I’m not worried about being on my own as I do everything anyway it’s just the part getting him to go, all the arguing etc, I can’t deal with it mentally.

When ever I want to leave I always here the same thing, I left my family for you I have no one here ( we met in the UK as he was living here at the time)

Of course it is. It’s all about him and his needs!

He has a history of not supporting you so of course that’s going to continue. He’ll do whatever he thinks he has to to manipulate you into doing whatever he wants.

At the and of the day, you need to get your head around the fact that you and your DD are more important than his wishes.

So my advice above still stands, please think deeply to tease out all the reasons why you aren’t escaping his abuse and lack of consideration? You need to identify and challenge the thinking behind this to get yourself into a position where you feel able to end it.

If you’ve been on Mumsnet long enough you’ll know the regular advice that is given which is that it is enough that you are unhappy for you to have enough grounds to leave. You don’t need any more reason than that but you’ve got so much more

IMO 2 is the perfect age to go. My DP's youngest was only just two when they split and she can't even remember them being together. She asked me the other day about things she did as a baby and I had to remind her I didn't know her then. She will still love her dad if contact is sensible but that doesn't mean you have to live with him.

I guess any doubts have just been squashed. I haven’t done his cleaning for 1 WEEK, only 1 sodding week. Our DD just walked into the kitchen just as he said to me why don’t you put the f*king stair gate back on the kitchen before she hurts herself, I said calmly why don’t you do it if you are concerned to which he screamed at me you put the fcking gate on you took it off you lazy f*king bitch. Then my DD started to scream so I picked her up and he said give her here and then started apologising to her.

I’m so sorry but it’s better you waste as little of your lives on him as you can. Do you have an escape plan? Do you know what you need to do and do you have the means to do it?

OMG your poor DD.
Get him gone. This is so so damaging for her.
It is up to you to protect her.
He won't do it.
Start making plans to get him out of your life!
You absolutely cannot continue like this!!!

I leave (and did) because I don't want my daughter to see me being treated like that, or to get the idea that this is how relationships should work.

Joysmum, I sent off the divorce application a couple of months back and we received the part he needs to sign but he didn’t. I decided he could stay so filled out the application to stop the divorce but I never posted it, something kept stopping me. I’m guessing he needs to sign the paperwork ( I doubt he will) he also last time refused to leave the house, wanted all the money back he had ever put into the relationship(which I can’t give him). I filled out the application for support with the divorce fees as I have no money after paying for the bills. I dont have money for a solicitor. H could quite easily get another property with his salary and the money he already has. He said he will not give me anything, wants both cars, even the wallpaper!!!!!! Apart from that I know we have to sort out custody and money.

NO one should speak this away to you! You and your daughter need respect and love not verbal,emotional and financial abuse. My parents hated each other and my siblings and I were severely affected by living in a war zone-they stayed together “for the kids” as a result we four children have issues with mental health. Your daughter still has a mother and father even if you divorce but you need to model to her what a healthy relationship looks like which isn’t what you describe

@Sarah2302
Many solicitors offer a free consultation before appointing them where they can offer general advice on your situation. Go speak to them and get your head round things, he's not entitled to the things he's demanding so stand your ground and tell him to piss off.
If his salary is much higher than yours then it'll probably be him who ends up owing you money. They don't look at who's put in what when they split it especially not when there's kids involved if you've put career on hold or not been able to work while you raise the children.
Write down everything you've told us in bullet points about the marriage, what you've put in (not just financially, time dedicated to keeping the house/ being a mum etc) detail the way he's treat you and everything about your breakdown etc.
List your income/ outgoings and same for him
List all your marital assets and who put in what
Then go to a solicitor and ask them for advice on what type of split they'd expect with all the facts.
If it's a free consultation they can't give you any specifics but they can give you a general idea of what to expect IF it went to court.
That's what I did, my exh had put so much more financially into the marriage than I did but I'd given up my dream career to raise our kids. My solicitor basically said it meant fuck all that he'd put more in financially.
It might just shock him if you present him with the fact you've taken steps to see a solicitor. Don't let him bully you.

This is the msg I have just received after the shouting incident yest.
...there is something seriously wrong with you and I don't know if you can see it.Im really worried especially for DD.If you don't want to be with me any more I'm cool with that it's just my daughter I'm worried about.If you do not seek help I'm going to your mother.Ive been through this for a long time now and I'm done...

This is all getting too much for me now, my mum has been through enough why does she want to go to my mum and say what exactly... I do everything for my daughter!!!!

Grey rock technique OP, he’s bluffing. Tell your mum what’s going on and if he contacts her, she needs to grey rock him too. See a solicitor for a free consultation and start to put the wheels in motion. He CANT kick you out of the house, he CANT take your dd, he CANT force you to see ‘someone’ and he CANT force you to do anything you don’t want to.
If he gets abuslive, either verbally or physically phone the police, start to make a record, with yourself and the police about his behaviour

What’s the grey rock technique?

Now I have this msg ...I'm beginning to feel like I'm going to quit.Quit work quit life quit everything but I can't can I.Whos going to look after my daughter?

And a whole msg about how hard he works and do other husbands work so hard. I never said he didn’t go to work. I don’t want to be drawn into this again. I can’t get him to understand that I don’t feel loved, he is rude, aggressive and lazy at home.

I think even as a manipulative treacherous pissflap this guy knows that if he keeps pointing out all your imagined faults that one way to break it off would be for you to say "yes, you are absolutely correct, I'm not right for you, you could do better, so please go and find someone who can live up to your expectations, because it's not me"

And then he'll lose the control on your life.

Now it seems it's turning to the - "your list of faults and now im bringing them up because I'm only worried about my daughter" to ensure that he can keep you in your place because it's an absolute threat that if you don't comply you will lose her.

Fuck that shit. He's the one raising his voice in front of his child and he's the one disrespecting the child's mother.

Get him out OP.

And so what if he speaks to your mother? Maybe she'll tell him to go too.

Many people see through these arseholes but they don't comment because it's none of their business how others conduct their relationships.

Until it is.

My mum can’t stand him and neither did my dad. They are just good parents and try not to tell me what to do. My mum told me my dad would be happy if I left him, he died in April. I don’t want him going to my mum, she has just lost her husband (my dad) and has MS which is triggered by stress. Why be such an a hole!

Please leave for your DD.

She is learning this is what a relationship should be like and end up in a similar one.

Teach her it is better to be strong and independent and not to accept such treatment.

180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Don’t respond to him OP. He’s not asked you any questions. He’s just trying to drag you into drama. Unless he asks a direct question about the dc, simply ignore. Ignore his statements about your mum, your dc or even him. It’s all down wit the purpose of dragging you back in to talk to him. Ignore!

Now I feel stupid for replying to his msg with why I’m unhappy, it’s a waste of time and all he did was reply with all the things I’ve done wrong, round and round we go! Bottom line is he has called me a lazy f**king bitch in front of my baby girl ( and that’s one of the nicest things I’ve been called)!

Now I feel stupid for replying to his msg with why I’m unhappy, it’s a waste of time and all he did was reply with all the things I’ve done wrong, round and round we go!

Someone else posted something I think you need to understand in order to be able to help yourself.

Communication is the key to a good relationship.

However, in an abusive relationship if you communicate then it just give him better understanding in how to manipulate and hurt you and keeps the channels open for him do do just that.

This is why people are advising you to take the grey rock approach. Limit your communication with him and please instead speak to your mum. I know you’re trying to protect her but she’d be devastated if she thought you couldn’t

I’m trying to get my head around the word abusive. I can’t believe this is what I’m in. I have brought it up in the past and have always been told by my H that he doesn’t hit me like other men do so he isn’t abusive.
As for the grey rock approach I totally understand this now and can see how I’ve made things worse in the past.

been told by my H that he doesn’t hit me like other men do so he isn’t abusive
Well that's utter bollox.
It's now called domestic abuse and not violence, purely because so many people out there are emotionally abusive, financially abusive, there is verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and it's now been recognised that this is just as bad as physical abuse.

Please contact Womens Aid and discuss it with them. They can explain it all to you.

My mum can’t stand him and neither did my dad
That's because they are good judges of character!
They saw his true colours early on.
They are right. He's a vile abusive bully.

I’m trying to get my head around the word abusive. I can’t believe this is what I’m in

This is why I’m so glad I found Mumsnet. It took me decades! It was only from reading posts from other mumsnetters that I finally realised the truth.

I’d denied and made excuses for so long. I wasn’t a victim, it wasn’t that bad, I was overreacting, I’d made a mistake, I was partly to blame as I could have done better...

Denial, doubting yourself, and not seeing how things really are is so common. We’ve been manipulated and played for so long our sense of context and normality is warped.

I hope you can work through your feelings and get concrete plans to leave in place. You can do this.