Should I stay or should I go?

[Sarah2302]

Would you stay in an inhappy relationship with your husband who treated you like the paid help because he earns more and who just disrespects you at every turn or do you stay because you have a 2 year old daughter who you don’t want to mess up but will end up loosing your soul as a consequence????

Somebody asked me earlier why I haven’t left. So I realised that the reason I haven’t left H before is because I’m scared of him, of the reaction. Like last time I got the courage and then he chipped at me until I backed down. He said so many vile things, then threatened to kill himself. That and not wanting to hurt my little girl but I realise that I’m hurting her and myself by staying. They are the only 2 reasons.

Oh OP .. this was me 7 years ago.. I put a large deposit into a house with a selfish, snide little man who enjoyed putting me down and treating me like shit.

One day I finally strapped on a pair of balls, asked him calmly to leave and kept repeating every day until he finally did.

Believe in yourself, keep calm and stop believing anything that comes out of his abusive mouth.

I'm now married to the most awesome man and we are very very happy. You deserve this

Frankly if he kills himself it is his choice. Or because he is actually ill. It would not be your fault.
But you do not have such power. In ypur head just plan his funeral and how to move on.

You cannot give in to emotional blackmail.
If he threatens to kill himself call 999 and send paramedics or police. Let him get done for wasting police time.
Or get help if it s genuine
Get away from him.
Keep you and dd safe.

And go see a counsellor selor for yourself or talk thru with women's aid

I can guarantee that he won't kill himself. That's just a classic line from emotional abusers to guilt trip you.

Trying to stay calm whilst he is doing nothing but laying around on the sofa. Not attempting to lift a finger to clean up his own s**t or DD. It’s winding me up but I’m like a swan!

Womens Aid would be your best bet.
But take the emotion out of this. You have to leave, you have no choice. See a solicitor so you know the best things to do. Make a plan and have an escape route ready then go. Avoid any conversation or rows with him, get your plan ready, does he need to sign the divorce papers now? Just plan to get away. Speak to a solicitor and get the facts.

D'you know what, OP?
I escaped an abusive marriage. It was only afterwards I realised how sacred I was of making a man angry with me. (I won't go into details, but a good male friend of mine was a bit annoyed with me - which was fair enough, I did something stupid. My reaction was to spend the rest of the day in tears. It was awful.)
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that???

Get back to your solicitor.

Let's hope he does demand the wallpaper. It will be kind of funny to see the judge hand his arse to him and hand the house to you.

Don't talk to him about your feelings, about the divorce, about anything. Just get on with the paperwork and all the things to get away from him.

You are definitely in an abusive relationship.

Leave him. I left my husband 2 months ago, he was the main bread winner on about 60k a year, we have a DS(9) but I just couldn't cope anymore. I'll be moving to a rental property and claiming benefits as a single mother but I'm so much happier, I feel like I have a life that I am live now.

You can't stay for the sake of children if it compromises your happiness and ultimately your mental health.

I have told him in the past that I live in fear of upsetting him and I couldn’t continue, it is a really horrible way to live. I have suffered with anxiety in the past and it got really bad during my dads cancer, I actually had a breakdown over Xmas. H was so unsupportive and angry all the time I couldn’t cope. Then when my dad died it made me realise who is going to love me the way he did and how he loved my mum. He was so gentle, kind and hardworking. I miss him terribly and I’m doing this for him as he was upset about how I was living and he new only about 1/4 of what was happening. If he is up there watching me he would be so upset.

I really don’t want to leave this house, it was where my mum grew up and my grandad left half to her and she gave that to me, OH pays the other half. Me and my dad also did all the renovation and I’m the one to maintain it. My H is like a lodger.

Can you help to pay for a solicitor as all my money is in the house and all the wage I get pays all the bills (even tho he tells me he pays for everything)

*can you get help

Speak to a solicitor about the cash you need now and the house. For example You could just take the money out of your acct - the bills don't get paid for once no big deal, you could say someone has cloned your card if it's queried.and the bank blocked your acct. Has happened to me. But the house situation , it would be useful to speak to someone. It's ridiculous that you are paying all the bills. He owes you half of all that money.

Sarah. Tell him the mumsnet classic....
When he rants a out life in a text...
I agree life is not right... This marriage is not working for me either.
One of you needs to move bedrooms...
Do not get pregnant again.... As he may try to trap you into this.
Tell your mum.... Then you take away his threats.
Mental health... Keep his messages... As it looks like he has troubles as well.
He has savings... Great you get half,
The house... If you bank on half the equity. Then more is a bonus
. You should get half his pension.
Half value of the cars...
Oh and the second you split you get child maintenance....
Just keep telling him for you this is now over...
As stay at home mum just don't agree to 50/50 child care...
You can get universal tax credits...
Don't argue with him, pick your fights...
Child gate... Do you think it is safe to not have it on the kitchen... If so just tell him you are fine with it... If he wants it on then he is welcome to do it...
Do not engage. In argument... Say again if he mentions it that he can put it on. Nothing else... Then look him in the eyes... And go from left to right eye, head slightly on one side as if looking for an answer in his face... He comments.... Repeat, I feel it is safe to not have the gate on the kitchen... But feel free to put it on if it bothers you...

I’m fine with not having it on the kitchen, when I cook my DD goes and gets her bathroom step and watches. I cook on the back hob and it’s induction so it’s safe. If I leave she leaves. He was cooking (very rarely happens) on the front hob a huge pot of soup (for himself) and walked away and left her in the kitchen! I will just put it back on for her safety when he looks after her!

Get money begged or borrowed for full session with a solicitor
Get informed.
Did you get bereavement counselling? You need therapist to work with you thru this.
Tell your mum.
As above don't engage.

Make a plan.

No therapist at the moment, have been to the doc a few times during my dads illness, they put me on antidepressants, which my H mocked me for. I stopped after a week. I have since tried them in secret, but I stopped as I realised it’s my situation that I’m unhappy with, they won’t help that only I can. When H is away at work I’m not anxious at all until he steps through the door. When he is gone I will be clear to work through my grief better (that’s what I think anyway) and will ask for a referral.

OP ....First of all I’m so sorry about your dear father xx
I can imagine that you are totally overwhelmed at the moment but please believe me you will be ok in time ..
you need to split from this man to find peace and inner happiness though and you will find your anxiety will reduce . He will NEVER change ..
Seek legal advice and start making plans ...
grit your teeth and go for it ... just deal with one thing at a time ... you will get there and life will get better for you and your DD .

Regarding your dear mother... don’t worry about any split actually upsetting her ... I am certain that she would welcome the news and be relieved to know he will be gone and she can see you looking forward to a happy future ..

Take care and please never hesitate to post for support on here ... so many good women who care and have walked this path will be more than happy to listen and offer advice and support x

Ask for referral now as it may take time
Loss of marriage is a kind of bereavement too.
You need support.

Solicitor for legal stuff
Therapist for emotional stuff

Yes sometimes I feel sad at the thought of ending the relationship, but the relationship I feel sad about is not the one I’m in. I think for a moment, oh,no more family holidays, then I remember that they are always horrible, I have to arrange everything and god forbid I made a mistake or left something behind! My H has a good wage and I worry how I will cope, but then I remember his money comes at a heavy price. I don’t have access and always get accused of spending his hard earned money, even tho I don’t touch it. I feel sad that I’m now making him sad but I’m not carry on like this. A colleague told me a sad story about a family member who got diagnosed at 79 with cancer. Her H died 18 months previous and her marriage was full of alcohol and abuse. In those 18 months she had without him she was happy and alive, and now she has cancer. What a sad place to be. I don’t want to be that person.

Ive just gone downtairs now to find him crying on the sofa watching videos of our DD. I know it will be because he thinks he his loosing his daughter, not so much about me. But I still feel like a horrible person. Why is this so difficult. I try my best and have always done so to be a nice person, never what to upset people or say what I really feel. This is so so hard and I always in the past have given in as I can’t take the guilt. With all his flaws he loves her and she loves him. I hate this.

How ridiculous of him. If he were actually bothered about his DD he would be busy drawing up a 50:50 contact plan, he'd be thinking of all the things he will do with her on his weekend, what he'll cook for dinner on the nights she'll stay with him. He'd be rehearsing how he will reassure her that even though mummy and daddy don't live together any more, he will always be a part of her life and loves her very much.

Not doing any of that though is he? Noooo, he is making damn sure you see him watching old videos and crying instead.

It’s started already. On his way to work he informs me he will not be home tomo to look after DD. It’s his only day to look after DD whilst I’m at work!