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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I'm the ow and I told his girlfriend d

83 replies

ilikebroccoli · 03/11/2018 23:22

I am totally prepared to be flamed.

Met him 2 years ago whilst in an abusive relationship with my DC dad .

The father of my DC gaslighted , cheated and abused the shit out of me. So much I trust no one. We were together 8 years. Things were pretty shit towards the end.

I met other man through work. He chased me and I said no I had a partner etc. Eventually gave him my number. Suppose I fell for the attention of what I thought was a real life lovely man.

I Left my ex not specifically to be with him, but just has my eyes opened there was nice men around. My ex was raging I'd finally had the balls and left. My ex then threatened me he would post nudes of me on fb etc. A few weeks later I got a call from my ex saying his new gf was pregnant and told me her due date( which obviously meant he had cheated on me/-- but as he said the doctors always get the dates wrong 🙄🙄🙄) Low and behold he'd actually been cheating on me.

Other man was my rock. Then found out he wasn't single but sure it was too late I'd fallen for him. I should have called it off. I've no self respect at all.

This was 2 years ago and has been going on ever since

He said he couldnt leave his gf as he was afraid of loosing his child. And I believed him. And put up with accepting little crumbs.

He then started getting jealous that I was single and may possibly date people. For example last week I didn't reply to his txt for 3 hrs on WhatsApp. When I finally replied he then ignored me. Turns out he thought I was on a date. And got jealous. He then messaged me through the week saying he knows our affair will be over when I meet someone and he feels like a stop gap. I told him he could be with me if he wanted but he is choosing not to be.

went out with work friends last night. And he started messaging saying how he hoped I got some sex and just being nasty as fuck. I was drunk by this point and screen shot a load of whatapps and sent them to his girlfriend. My frame of mind was saying how the fuck dare he be jealous of me when he is the one with a girlfriend??????

I'm so ashamed. Why did I not just block and delete him?! He text me and said she has left him and not to contact him again.

OP posts:
ASAS · 03/11/2018 23:26

He is right, don't contact him again. He's done you a favour.

You'll meet someone new, and single.

Take care.

Dextrodependant · 03/11/2018 23:26

What a messy situation. I think you should take him at his word and not contact him again for your own mental health.

Holdingonbarely · 03/11/2018 23:27

Well I guess he deserves it. I mean don’t take the risk if you won’t like the worst possible outcome.
But you need to move away from this man. He is not good for you. And sounds like a total cunt.
Hopefully this has made you see this.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/11/2018 23:32

This is a blessing in disguise op.

You may have never found the strength to delete and block him.

Seize this opportunity, delete and block every type of contact you have with him now.

Work on yourself, you deserve better.

LilQueenie · 03/11/2018 23:34

can you not see how he is exactly like your ex? Move on you deserve better.

wtf2015 · 03/11/2018 23:37

Hey I have been in similar situation although didn't realise he was married. I told his wife, not to hurt him but I would have wanted to know. I had same reaction ie don't contact me again. It hurts but you'll also come out the other side. Be strong.

Original poster
ilikebroccoli · 03/11/2018 23:39

Holdingonbarely
It has. I just can't believe I was so foolish. And that id no self respect to just end it quietly without causing the damage I've done.

He also txt and said revenge will be sweet. I asked him today what that meant as I was worried. He said to ignore it he can't be bothered with revenge and want to put it all behind him. But I'm still worried. He is
More senior than me in work. Not my direct line manager and works in a completely different department. But still I worry about the seniority aspect.
I could have just blocked him and moved on. But I had to hurt someone else In the process. I won't and can't contact him again as he has blocked me. I'm so disgusted at myself. My mental health was already f*cked after my ex
, and other man really lifted me. So now it's like I've just crashed.

On the upside me and ex now get on fabulous, along with his girlfriend etc. So that's a real positive .

Bastardgodarkly
** I never would have found the strength. Honestly I've no self respect at all.

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 03/11/2018 23:40

You have to look st this as a positive
He’s shown his true colours.
If it gets shit at work, get hr involved

whynot93 · 03/11/2018 23:41

If you take one thing from this whole sorry mess it's that you made his GF see him for what he is. Open threats from him, ignore and move on with your life

Original poster
ilikebroccoli · 03/11/2018 23:43

Holdingonbarely

It should be fine. We work in a massive building think, 1000+, due to the nature of his role I wouldn't have to worry about bumping into him . I have bad anxiety and always think the worst. But my sensible head knows he can't really do much.

OP posts:
Angelcd · 03/11/2018 23:43

Hey women who the other woman do things just like u did.a friend of mine did kinda the same told his wife, she thought he would go running to her but that diddnt happen he cut her out of his life and stayed with his wife,so you are not the first and wont be the last to do things like that.
I know u must feel bad about it but its done now just try and not think about it ,life is too short . U deserve better ,i hope u find someone who treats u right x

Holdingonbarely · 03/11/2018 23:44

Onwards and upwards. You’re worth more than this.

JungDisciple · 03/11/2018 23:44

After an abusive relationship you're more vulnerable.

Write down your standards because you think yoi know 'oh i wouldnt put up with that' and theoretically you know yoi shouldnt but in a real life situation your standard is lowered because you are used to a commodating and not making demands in yr relarionships, so u rationalise shabby treAtment of you.

Original poster
ilikebroccoli · 03/11/2018 23:45

Angel I'm not the first and won't be the last. He is such a charmer. I actually doubt she's even left him.

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 03/11/2018 23:45

No she probably hasn’t. But that’s her lookout.
Do not go back
Ever

Purplepinkpurple · 03/11/2018 23:46

So sorry op. He sounds like a bastard, well rid and you probably did his gf a favour too.

Keep that message about getting revenge. It will be evidence if anything shitty happens at work. X

totallyaddicted · 03/11/2018 23:47

Hmm I actually think it's possible that he might have seen the messages on her phone and deleted them before she saw them. If she had really left him then he wouldn't have anything to lose by still seeing and messaging you. I think he realised that he was too close to getting caught so asked you not to message again.

Or he's still with her and she knows so he can no longer message you.

I hope she has left him though because he sounds like an arse. It is also a positive thing for you and good riddance.

CountFosco · 03/11/2018 23:52

You are obviously quite vulnerable and this man picked up on that. Maybe have some time without a relationship. Be glad you have a working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. Forget this man, he's a dick and his girlfriend is better off knowing what he is like so she can make an informed decision about their relationship.

Does anyone at work know about the relationship? Depends what your work is like, at mine the fact that you are in different departments would mean there wouldn't be an issue at the moment. Is there any chance you might move to the department he's in at any point? Or vice versa? If that is the case at yours it might be worth talking to a sympathetic manager in your department or HR to let them know about the relationship so it's on record so he can't be involved in any decisions about your career. But I don't know your company so don't know if that would be beneficial to you or not, that's something you'll have to judge. Alternatively you might have to look for another job.

LightningOne · 03/11/2018 23:58

Wow this reminds me of a guy I used to be with.. EXACT same situation with him getting all mad and sulking if I didn't reply within an hour to his texts and the "hope you got some sex".. he used to say the exact same thing if I went out even to the pub with work people, etc

From all the other signs, I worked out he was highly likely to be a narcissist and sounds like yours might be too.

Original poster
ilikebroccoli · 04/11/2018 00:00

Most people who know us at work suspected. As we always had tea/ lunch together Plus he hadhis tongue down my throat at his Christmas dinner.. His boss assumed I was his girlfriend until he corrected him. I've now been promoted and that same boss is one of my line Managers. Other man was also promoted like 2 grades above me so hence why he's not
In my particular department at the minute.

I don't think he can make any managerial decisions it's a public body we work for.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 00:00

I suggest you do not delete any correspondence you shared .. just a thought but he may try to have you sacked ... you're going to need all the evidence you have to save yourself... possibly... Flowers

Original poster
ilikebroccoli · 04/11/2018 00:01

Gemeni69 I've unfortunately deleted everything.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 00:02

aahhh darn it.. can you check your icloud or anything ?

planechocolate · 04/11/2018 00:03

Agree with other pp - it might be a good idea to let work know what has happened, and that he said about revenge being sweet. Having it on record would be to your advantage if he ever tries to sabotage your career.

Butterymuffin · 04/11/2018 00:07

Yes, I'd tell HR so that you have it on record if he does anything hostile.

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