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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Meeting the OW

90 replies

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 11:57

About a week ago I bumped in to her, the ow, for first time in about a year since it all happened. She had emotional affair and kiss with my husband. They still work together but with many other people. I have never spoken to her about it at all but told her I had been very upset all year. A brief conversation followed. She said sorry after I more or less had to ask her to. She came across as matter of fact about it all but I was on the edge of tears. She said she understood how I feel. She didn't seem to think a big issue and not an affair. Now my husband is cross with me for this. Says things were better between us and he wished I hadn't done this. Says it will make things difficult at work. And she had a moan at him about it saying I had bothered her. So now I'm distraught again crying and not eating - the on going fall out of everything. I wonder if I should have spoken to her long ago but I didn't for various reasons. I hate all of this situation so much.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 12:01

It must be really hard to meet/bump into the ow. I briefly met the teenager my ex left for before everything happened but never after. Had nightmares about it.

Why is he angry at you? Are you sure it is over? He should be more concerned about you than her. She shouldn't be angry either, she must have known he was married when she started anything with him?

Try to at least keep hydrated and eat a little, it's horrible I know a bit of what you are feeling

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 12:10

Thank you for sharing your situation with me and hope you're ok now. I know it is over but they are still friends at work and I think he has divided loyalties. We have been getting on better but I have had to dig deep and also know that things will never be the same. Yet again I feel like I'm the one in the wrong. He has done minimising/ deflection all through. Yes he has said sorry and made effort but not been easy. I'm still hurting underneath it all.

OP posts:

GemmeFatale · 03/11/2018 12:15

Surely snogging your colleague when one of you is married to someone else is the thing that makes this difficult at work?

It is a shame she was bothered by meeting you and being asked to apologise for her part in their affair. And a real pity she’s now moaning at him about the consequences of their actions.

You’ve agreed to stay dispite what must be difficult circumstances for you. He doesn’t get to whinge when his actions come back to haunt him. If work is that awkward he is free to seek alternative employment where he doesn’t have to face his mistake every day.

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 12:17

We live in different cities but I sometimes go there for appointments and that's how I met her. I never go their office.I don't want to see her but a part of me wanted to speak to her. Now I wish I hadn't because I'm getting grief from my partner.

OP posts:

Mousey765 · 03/11/2018 12:19

She may be angry at him for some context you aren't aware of. E.g. she didn't know at the time, or he led her down the merry path of telling her you weren't getting on, how hard you are....other such lies OW fall for. Plus I imagine she was embarrassed (as she should be!)

But that's your husbands mess and he shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty for it. It isn't like you were threatening or OTT in any way from the sounds of things.

Bombardier25966 · 03/11/2018 12:22

It was a kiss, and it was over a year ago. Either forget about it and move on, or end the relationship so you can both move on. I'd be pissed off in your husband's shoes too.

NotTheFordType · 03/11/2018 12:23

I think it's clear now that he needs to change jobs if he is as committed to your marriage as he claims.

fairypuff · 03/11/2018 12:24

How dare your OH make you feel bad about this!!! He is the one who has made things awkward at work and he should be grovelling to you not turning it around. Who cares if the OW is upset?! You certainly shouldn't but your OH obviously does. Why?
for you OP.

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 12:27

@Bombardier it sounds like she was trying to but bumped into ow, which has probably raked it all up. An emotional affair is more than a kiss.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 03/11/2018 12:29

Nope. He doesn’t get to be angry at you. He broke your wedding vows and to add insult to that still see’s the ow as a friend and colleague!
Nope
Nope
Nope

He hasn’t done what he should have to heal your marriage and that is go no contact with her.

He has no right to be angry and neither does she.

You need to have a serious think about this marriage. Is he really committed to helping you heal and fixing your relationship? Not at the moment he isn’t. It sound like the whole affair was swept under the rug and not dealt with at all.

Be strong you deserve better

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 14:09

In answer to some of your questions - yes she did know he was with me. Him seemingly being more concerned about her has been an on going thing all the way through. And of course he is more at fault than her in terms of our relationship and I did acknowledge that to her. I think I was decent and ok with her and thanked her for saying sorry. I have wanted to speak to her at sometime and told him I might. He now thinks workplace will be difficult as she was angry about it to him. I don't really know about their conversations only what he chooses to tell me.

OP posts:

user1484424013 · 03/11/2018 14:09

Simply tell him to shut the fuck up. If he hadn't been a year then you never would have had to say anything further more ask him why he didn't tell that sneaky dirty cow to fuck off

Cuttingthegrass · 03/11/2018 14:12

You sure it’s over between them Op?

AnyFucker · 03/11/2018 14:15

Hmm. I bet he told her you were together "in name only" and you just kiboshed all that. I wouldn't be too sure it is "over".

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 14:17

Thank you for the flowers and messages. I only talk to about two people about it and they aren't around at the moment. Please can I ask
user1484424013 to explain again the bit about "year" as sorry I don't understand?

OP posts:

StressedToTheMaxx · 03/11/2018 14:18

Keep stating to him
"Regardless of how we are doing now, had you made better decisions then this situation wouldn't be happening "
Say it every time he defects onto you

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 14:32

Good advice. I do know "it" is over but I suppose the difficulty is they still work together almost daily and as he says it's now returned to "work colleagues" friendship. So difficult for me.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 14:35

You don't know what has been said to her I suppose like Anyfucker said.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2018 14:51

Your DHs response isn't that of a remorseful man. He should have apologised once again for putting you in the position of having to face an OW.

He doesn't get it.

How would he feel if you were still working with a man you'd had an EA with and shared a kiss (if that's to be believed) and dared to be upset when he bumped into the OM.

Show him this list.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
S/He must feel your pain.
S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2018 14:54

He should look for another job. Don't sht where you eat. He did this* and now he's blaming you.

Don't tolerate it.

It's definetly not the behaviour of a wayward who understands.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2018 15:02

They still work together but with many other people.

Wasn't this always the case? Or did they work alone before?

SugarandVinegar · 03/11/2018 15:41

I couldn't be doing with his attitude, it's shocking. It would have put the tin lid on it for me.
Dry your tears and start planning a better future op.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/11/2018 16:36

What SugarndVinegar said. It's your move OP. This isn't really ever going to be over, not till you decide that it is.

Your husband's attitude isn't great. I don't see how you can trust what a liar says anyway. The only true thing you know is that he can and does/did lie to you. Everything else is surmise that only she and he know. Sorry.

MaryJenson · 03/11/2018 16:40

Raspberrypeach

I have been in a similar situation and my DH continued to work with the OW.

He would never, ever, have a go at me no matter what I said to her as he knows it was him and her at fault. Even now, and we’re many years down the line.

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 17:06

Thank you everyone
@SandyY2K I have shown him the list before as I found it on MN (I think it was from you x) he said he would look but too many things on it! A typical response from him. They actually work quite closely tbh.
Does anyone know how many on MN as worried about being recognised?!

OP posts:

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