Meeting the OW

[Raspberrypeach]

About a week ago I bumped in to her, the ow, for first time in about a year since it all happened. She had emotional affair and kiss with my husband. They still work together but with many other people. I have never spoken to her about it at all but told her I had been very upset all year. A brief conversation followed. She said sorry after I more or less had to ask her to. She came across as matter of fact about it all but I was on the edge of tears. She said she understood how I feel. She didn't seem to think a big issue and not an affair. Now my husband is cross with me for this. Says things were better between us and he wished I hadn't done this. Says it will make things difficult at work. And she had a moan at him about it saying I had bothered her. So now I'm distraught again crying and not eating - the on going fall out of everything. I wonder if I should have spoken to her long ago but I didn't for various reasons. I hate all of this situation so much.

And like others have said it was more than a kiss and the "more" hurts! The texts, compliments, photos, so much time spent together "at work" and before and after, emotional stuff, conversations and more.

Is that person reading the same post, her husband acted like she was disposable breaking trust, not the other way round.

That's what I thought too @Sausage101 and thank you for all your messages and support x

no problem @Raspberrypeach if you need an ear feel free to pm. x

Sorry, it sounds really difficult to deal with. I agree it seems odd that your husband seems more worried about OW than you.

I am concerned about the fact that you say you don't feel you will ever be able to trust him again. what do you think the end game is for you?

Your DH is a twat. I'd be offloading him if I were you.

"Because he doesn't follow some list you've put togeher? Honestly, you think this can all be boiled down to some sort of list?"

It's a list compiled from different sources, including relationship counsellors, and summarises those things shown to support healing following an affair. Research and experience have shown that an unfaithful person unwilling to do what is needed to rebuild trust may not be fully committed to repairing the primary relationship.

"It all comes down to whether you can get over this, and move on. If you can't, then make it easier for everybody involved and move on."

Of course. But there are things he could be doing to help her to get over it, and he's not doing any of them.

"Personally I back my DP to the hilt. Whatever is needed, is what I do."

It is a pity OP's dp isn't doing that.

"To most people on MN they appear disposable."

LTB may be most prevalent on Relationships, but probably because it's where people come for advice when their relationship is near the end of the road. People don't generally bother posting about minor arguments and disagreements.

Anytime a cheater continues to work with the OM/OW after the affair, it will continue to be a trigger and delay your healing.

I even advised someone whose GF discovered the affair and decided it's over, to still look for another job if he was serious about wanting her back.

People have sold up and moved house when the AP lives closeby. It hinders your healing. I remember one woman asking her H, how he would feel going passed the house of a man she'd had oral sex with everyday. How was she expected to get over it. It's not much different to your H and her seeing each other daily.

Her telling your H is like asking him to keep you in check. Like how dare she approach me and call me out on my affair with her husband.

I'm wondering why this suddenly means colleagues will know if they didn't know before.

Him continually putting her feelings above yours is worrying.

If I were you...is keep a journal. ..make notes of all the times this has happened. Record your feelings and any times he's actually comforted you and shown remorse not regret.

We can all regret thingd...but until you are truly empathetic... you aren't capable of remorse.

In my experience it's those who never had any fear their betrayed spouse would leave them...that don't show remorse. He can act how he likes, safe in the knowledge that you'll be there.

His actions are showing he cares the least...and that gives him the power in your marriage.

Consequences follow poor behaviour...He hasn't had any.

I suggest you focus on yourself. Increase your social circle and consider a new interest first yourself. Be the best you can be for yourself. Treat yourself to the things you like as much as you can.... if that's massages...spa getaways...then do that. Exercise or keep exercising...as it's good for the body and mind.

You need to gain personal strength for whatever the future holds.

When you want to discuss the affair with him...write your feelings down instead. After sometime you can reasses how often you've needed to talk and haven't.

Your strength will guide you through this.

Thank you again for all your responses. You have such good insight and understanding. I wish that I could speak to him and say all these things snd articulate them. Sometimes it's ok but usually he derails me or outwits me and argues. Counselling has helped me to some extent. He just wants me to forgive and move on. I try but then I get upset again.(I have seen another thread on MN recently about this).
@GloomyMonday thank you for your post. And the thing is I haven't "ltb" although I have considered it and maybe I will one day. I'm so fed up of the way he treats me and am disappointed.

Thank you Sandy as I've just read your post after writing mine so I will respond to you soon.

So sorry, op, but what he is showing you/treating you is not love.

He is a liar and a cheat, ignore what he SAYS, look at what he DOES. He is not treating you with any respect, let alone love. He sides with the ow ffs!!

If you expect loyalty, respect and honestly he is not the 'man' for you, seriously think about leaving, you can never trust him and it would not surprise me one bit if they are continuing the affair, just being more careful to hide it.

Urgh I hate that 'list'. Completely unachievable for a lot of relationships so instead used as a way to torture the cheating partner while making the betrayed partner feel like their partner doesn't care enough if they don't do everything on the list.

Ever since I found out about it all there have been many examples of him still considering her at my expense - for all he says to me about love! I suspect he still likes her in some way - that is my gut feeling. Yes he has made some effort but he could have done more. It's been so difficult. A lot of what you all say has been said by the counsellor - @SandyY2K in particular a lot if what you said! Many things I asked him to do he didn't /hasn't. I am making huge effort to make it work. Sandy - what you say about remorse and regret is true. And he seems to find empathy difficult.

Oh OP. Maybe his attitude and his apparent continued disrespect of your emotions are a big part of the reason you’re struggling to move forward. Hopefully your counsellor will help you understand this.

It sounds like he is treating you with contempt. I fear he’s not staying because he loves amd cherishes you beyond anyone/ anything else.

Cross post OP sorry. Does look like it’s more from your side you want it to work. He was unfaithful but you are doing most of the effort to make it work?

I am going to say leave. Which may sound like an over reaction but I have been in your position and it ground me down to a nub. He is only concerned about his own comfort, not yours. He cannot possibly care for you as much as you deserve if he isn’t at least willing to be on your side and back you up.

My experience is that a relationship with a partner who is unreceptive and defensive is a recipe for misery. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will take your side and listen. They are out there.

Thanks x
He says he wants it to work but yes I feel I have done more even though I often want to leave. This recent situation makes me feel it again. I feel quite insecure especially as they still work together. It might start up again but when I say this he says absolutely nevet again. This may well be so but it is still so difficult His attitude has been awful too. And we don't want this thread to become about "the list"! It was his response to the list that saddened me and was part of a pattern of behaviour.

@cutting the grass sorry I don't understand the last sentence "I fear he's not...."
My counsellor has helped me recognise his struggle with emotions. Thank you for your message.
And thank you to misssusan.

It's his response and attitude to it...not the list itself.

After a betrayal a relationship changes... the trust had gone and needs to be earned back.

His actions don't match up to being remorseful. He wants you to move on...he's putting his shame above your pain.

Unless a cheating spouse truly empathises and does some work on themselves...they aren't really a safe partner to trust your heart with.

Note...that I'm not saying LTB.... I'm saying you should work on yourself and build up your self esteem and resilience. In time you'll get to see whether the marriage is making you happy and is worry staying in.

Don't remain hurt and stay for years to come... or you'll regret the wasted years and be depressed and resentful.

I sent you a PM.

Nah thats not on. He needs to find a new job. His loyalties should lie with you, not feeling sorry for her. Give him an ultimatum, he either finds a new job or he finds a new place to live.

Hi. I was trying (unsuccessfully) to articulate that it didn’t sound, from his actions, that he’s staying because he absolutely cherishes and loves you. But whether there is another reason, his financial loss, as an example.

It sounds like he has done wrong but you're putting in the effort to set things right while he just wants to sit back and let it blow ever.
If he isn't willing to put the work in, maybe he's not worth fighting for.

Thank you everyone.
And thank you @cuttingthegrass
I can see what you mean now when I re read sorry x

In the end you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot control his actions...only your reaction to his actions.

He should have apologised for the fact that there was an OW in existence that you had the displeasure to bump into.

He just doesn't get it... or he doesn't care. Neither one is good.

You cannot make your DH feel/be/react the way you - or someone with some armchair psychology list , wants him to act. He either wants to act that way In the full knowledge , that if he doesn't do what's required, then you will be off. Or he doesn't believe that there are any consequences to his current behaviour. Which of course there aren't . Except you 'going off on one'.

That said - You need to make a decision and move on. There is no point keep dragging up a EA/kiss from a year ago if you are going to accept it's all over and stay in your marriage. Especially as he's never really engaged in the whole process.
If he was the sort of bloke to 'tell all when asked, beg forgiveness , and never get fucked off answering questions (basically 'follow the list'. ) .. then I doubt very much he would still be working in the same place. As it is, he never has engaged, so see no reason for him to start now.

As I said at the top of my post. You can't make him do anything. The only person you can control in this is yourself. That boils down to two stark choices. Get over it and stop going on. It will not achieve the reaction you want. Or leave.