Meeting the OW

[Raspberrypeach]

About a week ago I bumped in to her, the ow, for first time in about a year since it all happened. She had emotional affair and kiss with my husband. They still work together but with many other people. I have never spoken to her about it at all but told her I had been very upset all year. A brief conversation followed. She said sorry after I more or less had to ask her to. She came across as matter of fact about it all but I was on the edge of tears. She said she understood how I feel. She didn't seem to think a big issue and not an affair. Now my husband is cross with me for this. Says things were better between us and he wished I hadn't done this. Says it will make things difficult at work. And she had a moan at him about it saying I had bothered her. So now I'm distraught again crying and not eating - the on going fall out of everything. I wonder if I should have spoken to her long ago but I didn't for various reasons. I hate all of this situation so much.

Ouch! There may be some sense in what you say but it is mire complex than that:
I have taken advice / tried / made effort to forgive and stay when others wouldn't have.
I am on the whole an optimist and hope he will change but through this process I've finally realise he won't.
So yes it's my choice to shut up and put up or run away and finally get some peace!!

Also there is more to this story but it's difficult for me to say everything. Other problems in our relationship - emotional abuse for example. Also, it is less than a year and the general consensus is that it can take a long time to get over an EA which is what I am experiencing. I am frustrated that he hasn't answered everything and I've had to stop mentioning it. The fact that I'm on here again is partly because I can't speak to him about it for fear of an argument.

I think the main problem here is that you are wanting him to be someone different to who he is. He simply isn't that person and by this time you need to realise that. It is harsh - a harsh realisation that it will take at least a year for you to get over it IF he engaged in your healing process but he hasn't. So the process hasn't even started for you. .

RaspberryPeach, you have your answer right there in your last post. This is why you're here to talk about it - because you are not allowed to talk to the perpetrator of your pain for fear of an argument.

Exactly what Kittens said, I really agree with her post.

I know you say that there are 'other reasons' but I'm wondering if that's like a cushion that you can hold over your soft parts to prevent you from having to face what is actually inevitable; your husband doesn't care enough to end your pain and work on this with you. That's it, the cold hard fact of the matter.

Sadly, this board is nothing more than a half-panacea because although there is support for you, it's not hand-holding you through staying with this arse of a husband who doesn't give a hoot for you seemingly. Either you put up with his nonsense or you leave... all the actions must come from you. Because he doesn't care so he holds all the cards. I'm really sorry.

If he truly is considering her and his feelings above all yours then you know exactly where you stand in your marriage. Whether they kissed or not is irrelevant here.

How long have you been together?
Has he ever done the dirty before?
Is it feasible he could get a new job?
What is he like as a person generally? Kind? Harsh? Giving? Selfish?

In fact all he has done is the absolute minimum to keep you quiet.

I am not saying leave or go. Just accept that nothing is going to be achieved from keep talking about it with someone who won't engage. Accept that this is it and make your decision based on this actual evidence.

You don't need an 'excuse' to leave a relationship. You just have to not want it anymore because it is not what is was when you did want it.

Thank you everyone and I will try and respond.
Been together a long time and constant relationship problems. Now all brought to a head with this affair situation. He is very pragmatic and not good with emotions. He often sees things as a threat and struggles with criticism. Temper problems and can be controlling. Our outlook on life is different in many ways. The counselling has helped me to understand him more. Cannot change job at moment. He has made some effort recently but for me there is a lot of resentment and frustration and most things seem to be on his terms. Others around us recognise these things in him too. Of course he had good points and I'm not perfect. But I've grown tired and weary of it all. A relationship shouldn't be such hard work. But leaving isn't easy either.

And have you noticed that I'm no longer talking about other woman now - but about him?!

It won’t be easy to leave him. But it’s the only thing to do unless you’re satisfied to waste your one short life being absolutely miserable.

Good luck, be strong, seek out some support.

I've borrowed this from something else but it's exactly applicable here:

"Leaving a bad relationship is scary and hard - staying in a bad relationship is soul-destroying and hard. Pick your hard."

I noticed that you stopped talking about the OW. That's positive because it enables you to focus on your husband's behaviour and not be distracted with a person outside your marriage.

CUT. YOUR.LOSSES.

Please read a book called “The Starter Marriage” by Pamela Paul. It’s a very straightforward book about why many first marriages end childless and amicably nowadays.

It helped me leave my XH and even though he was a complete knob and we brought the worst out in each other, I’d hesitate to say I could potentially be friends with him and his now wife.

Ps: he did to me what yours is doing to you, almost to the letter.

thank you everyone.
I will look at the book PaulHollywood and sorry the same happened to you.
We have children. All so painful.
I am not a "conflict" person.
I'm so sad it's all turned out like this.

We have children. All so painful

Ah, man, that changes things really. I’m sorry

I know
Thanks to everyone.