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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Meeting the OW

90 replies

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 11:57

About a week ago I bumped in to her, the ow, for first time in about a year since it all happened. She had emotional affair and kiss with my husband. They still work together but with many other people. I have never spoken to her about it at all but told her I had been very upset all year. A brief conversation followed. She said sorry after I more or less had to ask her to. She came across as matter of fact about it all but I was on the edge of tears. She said she understood how I feel. She didn't seem to think a big issue and not an affair. Now my husband is cross with me for this. Says things were better between us and he wished I hadn't done this. Says it will make things difficult at work. And she had a moan at him about it saying I had bothered her. So now I'm distraught again crying and not eating - the on going fall out of everything. I wonder if I should have spoken to her long ago but I didn't for various reasons. I hate all of this situation so much.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 17:11

'Too many things on it' Unbeliveable.

Op does he want your relationship to work? That list took me a couple of minutes to read at most.

As to being recognised, is he a user on here? Unless you mention places, and work place names I'm sure you'll be okay.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2018 17:15

You're welcome.

He's not overly remorseful or concerned about you is he.

The problem is that people who cheat lack empathy.

If it was reversed...the fact that you still worked with the OM would be a trigger.

Seriously...a spouse who genuinely wants to help their spouse heal, would bend over backwards.

Cheaters read books for this...and he says the list is too long.

Shocking!!

bubbles108 · 03/11/2018 17:17

And she had a moan at him about it saying I had bothered her.

WTAF?

I'd suggest she's a very selfish bitch

GloomyMonday · 03/11/2018 17:36

I think I would say : Fuck off DP. I didn't go looking for her, I bumped into her. Frankly she got off lightly. So what if she was upset? Was she as upset as me? Cry me a fucking river. And if I get one more second of you showing more concern for her than me, you can bugger off for good too.

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 17:53

Yeah I'd find it a bit of warning bell that he's upset about her reaction op.

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 17:56

Also I love the cheek of her saying she understands how you feel. Pretty sure she wouldn't have done it if she did.

ShalomJackie · 03/11/2018 18:14

He seems to be mòre worried about how she feels tha how you feel. Have you asked him why? Do you think it is possibly still going on?

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 18:16

When I gave him list he said "he's not a saint/ will have a look/ maybe things enough/ too many things on it." Etc etc.
To give some balance he has tried and says he loves me. I still go up and down and pull back and he gets upset. Had some counselling. But.... It will never be the same, I've been so hurt, he could have done much more and he was awful to me through whole time - minimising, rowing, making me feel awful. The communication is dreadful and it upsets me. What I think is he has compromised things to stay friends with her / protect. Yes he may well still love me in his own way but I'm so disappointed and won't be able to completely trust him again. It's just the way it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 18:19

Sorry typo above...he said "maybe 3 things enough" regarding list.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 18:29

That's normal though, you being up and down. It's hard to get over. In my opinion an emotional affair is more painful than a one night drunken thing. I know everyone feels differently on it.

He can't expect you to sweep it under the rug and be the same. He should be worried if you did do that.

I think it is probably still eating away at you because of them still working together. Has he had any counselling?

GloomyMonday · 03/11/2018 18:32

So how many things from the list has be done? He isn't trying to make you feel better really is he. He doesn't deserve you. Are you very wedded to the idea of staying with him for the rest of your life?

bubbles108 · 03/11/2018 18:35

It's just the way it is.

Make it the way YOU deserve or kick him out

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 18:43

It is eating away at me yes. He did some counselling but I go on my own (long story). He says he will never go again. I want to talk more but he wants it to be all over and for me not to bring it up. So now I feel guilty as we got on ok for last week or two and now I've spoken to her he says I've set things back!

OP posts:

Crazyfrog007 · 03/11/2018 18:44

Get rid, OP. You deserve so much better than 'it's just the way it is.'

Orange6904 · 03/11/2018 18:52

So he messes about with a woman at work and you're just supposed to keep quiet. But you bump into her by accident and you're the one in the wrong? That's not fair. To get over stuff like this and stay together you need to be able to be open.

Yeah after a certain point I agree you'd probably have to move on and not bring it up all the time but it's not something that will happen quickly, you're going to have a range of emotions and if he wants to stay with you he should be the one making more effort and letting you air your feelings about what happened.

Do you think he would consider looking for a job somewhere else?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/11/2018 19:41

He has done minimising/ deflection all through ... he said "maybe 3 things enough" regarding list ... I want to talk more but he wants it to be all over and for me not to bring it up

You also mentioned that "I do know "it" is over"

In view of the complete lack of remorse you've described above, and that he's now trying to blame you for any "awkwardness" caused by bumping into her, can I ask how you know?

SandyY2K · 03/11/2018 20:37

If your DH was truly remorseful, he wouldn't behave as he does.

To give some balance he has tried and says he loves me

His actions say otherwise. Talk is cheap...watch his actions.

He should apologise again that he put you in a situation where there ever was an OW to deal with.

The OW is pissed off that you called her on her behaviour...while I'd have ignored her ... she was part of your hurt.

A sensible and remorseful OW would not have said anything to your DH out if shame ... she still feels comfortable enough to do so. That would concern me.

Why are you so sure this affair didn't go beyond a kiss?

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 21:14

It's difficult to explain but I do know it is over. However I do have lots of questions as some of you have also asked. What exactly is the dynamic between them now? Does he in particular still have some feelings fir het even though he assures me of his love and has shown me at times. Some of my concerns are: unanswered questions / he says move on in the past no point etc/ his continued loyalty to her (I could give examples). He will say they still have to work together.
@SandyY2K - you're point about her feeling ok to discuss with him has made me think!

OP posts:

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 21:18

It's the being together I don't like. Hopefully in next few years they might move on in one way or another.

OP posts:

sadsadsady · 03/11/2018 21:24

Sweetheart, he doesn't even care about you enough to spend 5 minutes reading a list.

What's going on with them still is immaterial, he doesn't love you as you deserve.

CartwheelCath · 03/11/2018 21:32

Another point is imo if you get too close to someone else's partner/spouse - you have to expect that you may be confronted over it at some point.
I totally get she the ow isn't committed to you OP and your beef should be with your dh BUT she has some nerve getting pissed off because you brought it up with her. Tough. Dabble in someone else's relationship and you have to deal with any fall out. Oy donr get a ssy in what the 3rd oarties reaction maybe. Some people would go alot further than you did. By the sound if it your exchange was quite dignified. She ought to count herself lucky you weren't some mad angry person willing to slap her or worse.

Your DH really needs to see that he has created the situation. He needs to be auppprtingbyou. And yes you cannot go on and on forever dragging it up BUT he's still in contact with her albeit for work, however, those close contact is going to delay and impact your emotional recovery.

I think what slot of people forget- especially those that ate unfaithful is thst it is a matter of perception. To the unfaithful- it was JUST getting too close, JUST a kiss and not That bad cos at least it wasn't full blown sex etc etc.
To you - lines have been crossed. The foundation of the trust in your relationship well and truely shaken up.

My lifelong best friend had a brief fling a few years back. She thankfully came to her senses. She ended it before anyone found out and put alot of effort to get her marriage back on track. She has actually referred to it as just a brief kiss and not much else, she's never told her dh and I know for a fact she never will and this is because she knows as much as she can minimise it herself to convince herself she wasn't a totally awful person - she knows it won't be JUST a quick kiss in her DH eyes. I know if her dh had a quick kiss with someone else she would be devastated, it wouldn't be quite the minimal indiscretion the other way around.

I totally get your hurt and de gestation and an very angry your dh is making you feel bad as you are still trying to work through your emotions.

Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 22:28

Thank you everyone and @CartwheelCath your post is amazing and speaks to me so much. I do think them still being in contact is delaying my recovery. I can see that.

OP posts:

Lionsandtiger · 03/11/2018 22:53

I feel so sorry for you OP. Hes not treated you well, he's been really cruel. Are you sure you want to stay with this man? You deserve someone who is kind and loves you, not begrudges you respect and cheats on you.

If you think about it logically, he almost certainly spun OW lines about it being over with you, only there for kids etc which is why she is pissed off with him for involving her in the situation. Hopefully she's learned her lesson and never allows a married man to romance her again, but you deserve so much better from him, he's broken his vows.

ABeanCalledHopeInAMadTin · 03/11/2018 23:12

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Original poster

Raspberrypeach · 03/11/2018 23:30

Well my dp hasn't always backed me to the hilt and has often chosen to back her! - he will hardly critisize her and makes excuses for her! It hurts and makes me mad! I want more reassurance and convincing and can't cope with the inconsistency!!

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