DH wants sex far more than I do and it's starting to affect our marriage

[Paintingtheroseswhite]

Sorry if this is long and I'm sure it has been done a thousand times before on here but my head is all over the place and no-one to talk to IRL. Apologies if this is me chucking words at the page but I need to get it all out.

He only thing DH and I ever really throw about is sex. He said last night that he doesn't want to live in a sexless marriage. The thing is our marriage is not sexless and I very rarely turn him down if he wants to have sex but he says that I never want to have sex and when we do it is just a dull 'vanilla' experience. We probably have sex about once a week in non period weeks.

The thing is I admit I don't think about sex as much as he does (do any women as much as men?). My head is usually full of work, DC, running the house, balancing everything else and sex is not the first thing I think of.

Secondly, the only times we could DTD are after DC in bed, DH does a hobby 3 nights a week till about 10.30pm (which I don't mind) and much of the rest of the time I'm knackered. We also have lie ins on a weekend but he sleeps like a hibernating grizzly till mid morning then wakes up and expects me to be ready to have sex then, I've usually been awake 2 or 3 hours but if I get up and get dressed I get some sort of comment along the lines of "uh so no sex again then" (sulk face).

If we do have sex, if it is not porn standard (my phrase not his) then he's not satisfied.

As for me, I don't really get a huge amount out of sex, I can have a clitoral orgasm but I've never had a vaginal one and I have no idea how I would achieve one. He likes anal (not all the time but frequently) which I dont mind occasionally but it hurts (no matter how much lube), is messy and doesn't do much for me.

I also suffer from quite heavy periods so one week a month I'm out of action.

If we try to discuss this it just turns into a row and his line is that it's my fault and it is quite simple "just be horny!"

This is starting to become a real problem as we seem to go around the same track of row - I make effort (provide porn sex) - then slips back to normal - row etc

This is starting to become a real problem and I feel I'm being blamed (fairly or unfairly).

I would consider counselling, not sure whether he would but I wouldn't know where to start and we don't have a lot of spare money to pay for it

Thank you for sticking with this, and advice would be much appreciated

I make effort (provide porn sex) - then slips back to normal - row etc

He needs to peel himself away from the porn and porn-expectations and start putting equal effort in to finding out what you like and how he can meet those expectations.

You are not a blow up doll! Your husband seems to treat you like one and have no regard for your feelings.

Sorry it sounds horrible 

Agree with pp. He's expecting you to put in all of the effort and drop everything for him.

If anal hurts and is unpleasant for you, please stop doing it. No one should have to suffer to please someone else and anal is a big ask if you're not enjoying it too.

If you don't want to have sex, it's unfair for him to put pressure on you.

And by “porn-expectations” I don’t just mean the style of sex he prefers but his whole approach to it as basically a service you provide, where “horny” women will just explode in orgasms if their partner hammers away at them enough.

He sounds like a neanderthal with no fucking respect for you or himself. I wouldnt want to shag him either.

Get rid, there are loads of decent men out there. He isnt one of them.

I note ‘porn style’ is your phrase. Do you just lie there and do nothing when you have sex, letting him do all the work? If so I can see the problem. Sex is meant to be the most intimate thing a couple does together and is very important in bringing people together and keeping them together. If you just lie there as if you really don’t want to be there then there is a problem. On the other hand if he wants you to perform gymnastics then fine that’s probably porn related and his expectations in those circumstances are unreasonable

He wants anal sex, knowing it hurts you?

That is really horrible.

Can there be a bigger turnoff than a bloke whining about wanting sex? Precisely what if any effort is he making to create the right atmosphere to get you in the mood? He is treating your body like a sex toy and he needs to understand what a turnoff that is.

OP you shouldn't be guilted into sex you don't want by his sulking and causing arguments, he is the problem not you. Men who will happily have sex with a less than willing partner are rapists, coerced consent isn't true consent. Do you want your DC growing up thinking that's normal, would you want them to be in a relationship like yours? You are in danger of internalising the lack of respect your husband has for you and minimising what he is doing.

And you really really shouldn't be having anal sex you don't want, if it's painful it's causing damage, I have permanent damage from rough anal sex, it isn't pleasant. I only did it as a naive teen as my boyfriend was like your husband and wanted a crazy porno style sex life and made me feel like a prude for not being into it.

Thank you for the replies, frank and to the point and really appreciate them.

In terms of "porn" that is my phrase not his, Ivyhink he watches some occasionally but not frequently.

In terms of the anal, I really don't mind occasionally and it hurts a bit (but surely that is everyone who does that) but I don't mind but I don't want to do it more frequently

He's not a Neanderthal or anything like that and the rest of our marriage is good. It's just this.

Guava, I think you are right, maybe I do let him do all the work. I don't mind gymnastics occasionally but he seems to want that all the time. I think that's part of the problem, we have got to this point and it doesn't feel intimate any more

In terms of "porn" that is my phrase not his, Ivyhink he watches some occasionally but not frequently.

What are you classifying as porn sex?

Wanting anal when it hurts (and it doesn't always hurt; and shouldn't!), demanding you to just be available and in the mood for him... that doesn't make him sound like a great husband to be honest.

I can't come through penetrative sex; neither can 60% of women. What are you getting out of this style of sex?

Not a huge amount if I'm honest Shack, a clitoral orgasm enough to satisfy but not to write home about

OP your post made my skin crawl and I am no prude. Tell your hubby to buy himself a blow up doll or a flesh light. Stop being "Mrs I don't mind". Maybe if he got up off his back side and did more around the house he would find an improvement in your sex life. When do you get a proper lie in? When do you get time for your hobbies in the evening?🤔

Sounds like he's not very good at it tbh. Maybe if he was better in bed you may get turned on and feel in the mood. Does he like anal? Does it hurt him? Give it a try with a big fat dildo and watch him perform a porn style gymnastics routine. He sounds like a complete knob tbh. It's not you it's him

He sounds awful. He does whatever he wants- long lie-ins, out 3 nights a week- but expects you to be available to service him whenever it suits. And please stop subjecting yourself to painful anal sex just to make him happy, it doesn't sound like he cares a jot about your pleasure or happiness.

Chucking, that made me laugh at the mental picture 😀

He sounds horrible.

Any one who carries on with a sex act knowing it is hurting his partner is a dick. Tell him anal is off the table from here on out: it hurts you and you get nothing out of it but pain. Plus it may cause other problems for you down the line.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about which was your relationship is headed.

I would also point out that he wants more sex, then he needs to be home more carrying his weight at home and with the children. Out late 3 nights a week for his hobby? Lie ins? Then moaning you're exhausted or already 3 hours up and doing all the work in the house and not on call for sex?

He sounds like a prize dick.

You need to push back against the idea that if you’re not enjoying the sex you’re having it means that you’re faulty, rather than that his approach to sex is faulty.

What are his good qualities op?

My dp can be a dick but he'd never, NEVER do anything in bed if he knew it hurt me, even if I said I didn't mind the discomfort, he just wouldn't want to feel like that - the man who keeps going knowing his partner is in pain.

Wow

He sounds like a total jerk

I have no idea why you would put up with ANY of his sex comments/demands

You're enabling him imo

He is watching much more porn than you realise