DH wants sex far more than I do and it's starting to affect our marriage

[Paintingtheroseswhite]

Sorry if this is long and I'm sure it has been done a thousand times before on here but my head is all over the place and no-one to talk to IRL. Apologies if this is me chucking words at the page but I need to get it all out.

He only thing DH and I ever really throw about is sex. He said last night that he doesn't want to live in a sexless marriage. The thing is our marriage is not sexless and I very rarely turn him down if he wants to have sex but he says that I never want to have sex and when we do it is just a dull 'vanilla' experience. We probably have sex about once a week in non period weeks.

The thing is I admit I don't think about sex as much as he does (do any women as much as men?). My head is usually full of work, DC, running the house, balancing everything else and sex is not the first thing I think of.

Secondly, the only times we could DTD are after DC in bed, DH does a hobby 3 nights a week till about 10.30pm (which I don't mind) and much of the rest of the time I'm knackered. We also have lie ins on a weekend but he sleeps like a hibernating grizzly till mid morning then wakes up and expects me to be ready to have sex then, I've usually been awake 2 or 3 hours but if I get up and get dressed I get some sort of comment along the lines of "uh so no sex again then" (sulk face).

If we do have sex, if it is not porn standard (my phrase not his) then he's not satisfied.

As for me, I don't really get a huge amount out of sex, I can have a clitoral orgasm but I've never had a vaginal one and I have no idea how I would achieve one. He likes anal (not all the time but frequently) which I dont mind occasionally but it hurts (no matter how much lube), is messy and doesn't do much for me.

I also suffer from quite heavy periods so one week a month I'm out of action.

If we try to discuss this it just turns into a row and his line is that it's my fault and it is quite simple "just be horny!"

This is starting to become a real problem as we seem to go around the same track of row - I make effort (provide porn sex) - then slips back to normal - row etc

This is starting to become a real problem and I feel I'm being blamed (fairly or unfairly).

I would consider counselling, not sure whether he would but I wouldn't know where to start and we don't have a lot of spare money to pay for it

Thank you for sticking with this, and advice would be much appreciated

I know id struggle if my partner was passive, allowed me to do what i wanted but didnt play a role. It wouldnt be about being on top or anything particular but about being mentally present, and an active participant

Indeed

And to be an active interested participant, it's necessary for the sex on offer to be interesting enough to participate in

So many men don't get this. So many.

He likes anal (not all the time but frequently) which I dont mind occasionally but it hurts

WTAF is he doing - does he not know that it’s hurting you? This man sounds like an absolute tool - what are you getting out of the relationship OP? Consider some counselling FOR YOU ONLY with a view to finding your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

leaving aside for one minute the horrible behaviour around sex - how on earth is he a good husband/father apart from this

1. He has a 3 night a week hobby so doesnt see his family or presumably do anything those nights

2. He sleeps in until midmorning on the weekend (so again leaving his family to their own devices) and when he does wake it all about him (again nothing to do with his dc)

3. Your head is always full of balancing everything - presumably because he doesnt do anything apart from work/his hobby/pester you for sex

Its all about you making the effort for his needs but what does he actually do for you and for your family

When did sex stop being a fun, exciting experience between two eager people. It seems to have evolved into an extension of porn for a lot of people, or something that is done to/on women whether they really fancy it or not. Naturally sometimes one person would want it more than the other but in your situation op, with your partner, I would never want it.

Get some balls OP and tell him to pee off if he wants anal. I get fed up of reading about blokes on here who seem to think it’s the norm, maybe it is for some but it isn’t for many

I am sorry but your dh sounds really crap in bed! My dh would not be prepared to continue with sex if I was in any way in pain! He is always patient, loving and concerned about my pleasure!

He spent a long time when we were younger finding ways to pleasure me that made sex amazing! So that during sex we can focus on each other and connecting, it makes for a very deep, loving and fun connection which strengthens our marriage!

Anything sexually that I have been uncomfortable with has never been repeated!

Can I ask, do you fake the majority of your orgasms? As it sounds like you do and this is not going to help your sex drive!

Next time he pesters you, I would sit him down and have a heart to heart! Tell him that he is hurting you! Tell him that it is near impossible to enjoy sex when you are in pain! Tell him how long you have been unsatisfied and have not been enjoying sex! Tell him that he needs to make an effort to actually please you, then him that you are no longer prepared to be expected to perform like a porn star and be used as a sex toy!

I would actually be stopping all sex and trying to connect to each other in other ways for now! No sexual contact, other than kissing and affection! Tell him that he needs to woo you again! Go on dates out just the two of you and get to know each other all over again! Don’t start back having sex until you feel ready to!

I would have a massive rule too, No sex AT ALL if he dares to moan about how often you are having sex! Coerced sex is not consent!

If that doesn’t come,( I don’t blame you if it doesn’t) then it may be time to look at counselling or

Sorry submitted too soon!

It should say ‘look at counselling or making a decision on whether to continue your marriage’

Sorry OP but he sounds awful and no way should you be doing anything which causes you pain. If he is aware of this then he's an even bigger shit and I would second those who have suggested getting a large strap on and giving him anal - see how he likes it.

He's lucky to get any sex at all if he is incapable of considering your feelings and doing whatever he wants regardless if it's good for you or not, or even worse, causes you pain.

I agree re anal, it just wasn't something we ever did back in the day and I do think porn has had a big impact and some men' who are addicted to porn have unrealistic expectations.

As for Cherries101's suggestion that the OP needs to soul search about only wanting sex once a week - you are completely wrong - it's her 'D'H who should be soul searching about what he is doing to his DW.

I hope you can get him to understand and things improve.

1 he does enough round the home to equal exactly what you do
2 he sticks his dick in places pleasurable to you
3 time off for hobbies is same
as the time off for hobbies that you get
4 if you are too tired for sex he isn't doing enough
He sounds Neanderthal.

Tell him unless you can without more effort into making sex enjoyable for both of you and he stops thinking about himself you won't be having sex.

98% of the time my OH ensures I orgasm before he does (very rare he just cant last that long or i hold off too long and the moment passes for me) in two years we have never had sex and I've found it uncomfortable or not enjoyable.

Well thank god for periods. The get out of jail guilt free week.

He sounds Repulsive OP... I'm so sorry

I'm a guy.

This guy sounds like a knob in the bedroom.

A knob in general really.

If I want to have sex with my DP I damn well make sure that I've done the housework of the day, and have spent a decent amount of time making sure she feels loved and appreciated. She or I then makes a move to get things started and if either of us isn't 100% in the mood then it doesn't happen. We smile, kiss a bit, and then go on to do other things.

As far as I'm concerned, that's basically how any sexual relationship should work. You sound very much like someone being used as a cock holster rather than one half of a loving equal partnership.

OP he sounds horrible and the situation sounds bad for you.

My dh and I used to have sex once a week, I got more into it and we do it more often but it's very vanilla and certainly no anal, because I don't fancy it.

You are a person in your own right, only do what makes you both happy.

I think you need to talk to him about what is making you unhappy and his wining would be a good place to start.

I honestly think that the reason for this cultural belief that women don't like sex much is purely down to the behaviour of men like this. They turn sex into another chore the woman is supposed to perform for the man's benefit and then wonder why she isn't enthusiastic. They demand enthusiasm but aren't interested in finding out or doing the things the woman actually finds pleasurable. And everything is about the man's dick.

Whatever you do, do not get a strap on dildo and ask him to take it up the arse as pp suggested. He will probably say yes, love it and start constantly hassling you for it. Speaking from experience unfortunately.

This is making me so sad, I'm your husband in my relationship, rightly or probably wrongly sex makes me feel loved and desired.
I would ideally like to have sex 3-4 times a week, it's realistically more like 3 times a month, I feel rejected, I'd also like it to be more 'creative' but due to lack of interest on my partners side I tend to stick with what I know which would be classed as vanilla. He likes me on top so I feel like I do all the work, I have a high sex drive so by the time we do get round to having sex orgasm is pretty quick (sorry tmi)
In all honestly I think he doesn't have great skills, and is lazy, he is an amazing partner and loves me in so many other ways.
Is wry now and again I get upset and raise it as an issue and he tells me that is a pressure and unattractive, I can't win.

Maybe twice a week where you both make an effort and spend time building up through the day, anticipation is everything for me.

I'm sorry it seems so dire but I also see the other side, I'm more highly sexed and it's frustrating and makes me feel unwanted, try to see the other side, how long has this been going on for?

Being sunny you need to read the post properly.
Her husband is happy to hurt her during sex as regularly as she will let him.
No wonder she doesn’t want sex!
This is totally different to your situation.
OP please look at your boundaries- why are you pandering to this man?
Next time he sulks about sex tell him honestly that the sex does nothing for you. He has no qualms about telling you his truth- give him the same courtesy

But does he know, is the op just closing her eyes and making the right noises, I know I've done this in the past, I had an abusive husband who lives anal and also told me I was boring in bed and didn't find me attractive, I was sadly so grateful that he seemed to want me that I didn't say anything.

Does he know he’s hurting you during anal sex or are you just making the right noises and going along with it? If he knows he’s hurting you and still wanting to do it that is deeply worrying.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with him at all. Ever. He sounds bloody awful.

Have you told him all these things OP? Sex I mostly about communication. If you’re not satisfied you have to be in charge and tell him or show him how to do it the way you want it and he needs to listen.
You need to have a really big discussion about it and get in the same wavelengths. It’s fine to have slightly different sex drives, so a compromise can come somewhere. It’s no fun for you having sex that hurts you, but it’s also no fun for him to have sex with someone who just lies there and isn’t engaged.

I haven't had sex in years (divorced with 2 DC) and I miss it but reading your post OP brought back all the memories of horrible sex. Boring, duty sex. Lying on my back looking at the ceiling and making appropriate noises/moves/responses while thinking, "just finish it, FFS!" Ugh! You deserve so much better, anyone does. I don't know how to advise you but hopefully someone will!

My XH was an extremely emotionally abusive narcissist, FWIW.

He is crap in bed, gets you to put up with anal sex when he knows it hurts you (ie he's an abuser), and fucks off out to do his hobby three nights a week when the two of you have young kids.

LTB

I mean that quite seriously.

Also - just for context, I have never had anal sex, because I don't want to. The mere thought makes my bits dry out and shrivel like the Sahara. All my sexual partners (of whom there have been quite a few) have respected that, none have ever complained about the quality of our sex life (quite the contrary in fact)

Sex is meant to be fun and enjoyable for both partners - never, ever settle for less than that.

Anal sex should never, NEVER hurt, OP. That's one very practical rule you can live by right now. The rest sounds like an absolute mess.