DH wants sex far more than I do and it's starting to affect our marriage

[Paintingtheroseswhite]

Sorry if this is long and I'm sure it has been done a thousand times before on here but my head is all over the place and no-one to talk to IRL. Apologies if this is me chucking words at the page but I need to get it all out.

He only thing DH and I ever really throw about is sex. He said last night that he doesn't want to live in a sexless marriage. The thing is our marriage is not sexless and I very rarely turn him down if he wants to have sex but he says that I never want to have sex and when we do it is just a dull 'vanilla' experience. We probably have sex about once a week in non period weeks.

The thing is I admit I don't think about sex as much as he does (do any women as much as men?). My head is usually full of work, DC, running the house, balancing everything else and sex is not the first thing I think of.

Secondly, the only times we could DTD are after DC in bed, DH does a hobby 3 nights a week till about 10.30pm (which I don't mind) and much of the rest of the time I'm knackered. We also have lie ins on a weekend but he sleeps like a hibernating grizzly till mid morning then wakes up and expects me to be ready to have sex then, I've usually been awake 2 or 3 hours but if I get up and get dressed I get some sort of comment along the lines of "uh so no sex again then" (sulk face).

If we do have sex, if it is not porn standard (my phrase not his) then he's not satisfied.

As for me, I don't really get a huge amount out of sex, I can have a clitoral orgasm but I've never had a vaginal one and I have no idea how I would achieve one. He likes anal (not all the time but frequently) which I dont mind occasionally but it hurts (no matter how much lube), is messy and doesn't do much for me.

I also suffer from quite heavy periods so one week a month I'm out of action.

If we try to discuss this it just turns into a row and his line is that it's my fault and it is quite simple "just be horny!"

This is starting to become a real problem as we seem to go around the same track of row - I make effort (provide porn sex) - then slips back to normal - row etc

This is starting to become a real problem and I feel I'm being blamed (fairly or unfairly).

I would consider counselling, not sure whether he would but I wouldn't know where to start and we don't have a lot of spare money to pay for it

Thank you for sticking with this, and advice would be much appreciated

He needs to realise porn is FAKE , the woman's orgasms are mostly FAKE, the length of their sex is FAKE.. Seriously he should watch prob behind the scenes documentary and he might then stop expecting so much from you.

Porn*

My guess here would be that he is pretty crap in bed! It seems to be all about his pleasure and what he wants, sounds like he has no interest in your pleasure at all. Find some sex tips for men online and send him the link

I can't bear the sound of this but i do wonder if there are some changes that could make things better.

This 'sexless marriage' sulking has got to stop - sex once a week is absolutely not sexless. I wonder if there was a long patch of no sex that makes him scared you will go back to that?

To be fair, a clitoral orgasm every? time you have sex is decent as well. I've never had a vaginal orgasm, some women come from penetration, an awful lot don't. So i think you are chasing something that may not exist for you, rather like his daily sex. But i see that you feel ignored as well.

What does good sex actually look like to you? Not 'i don't mind' but 'fuck yeah'? I know that to come i need to fantasise and have the same stimulation exactly for ten minutes or so, which looks like me just lying there. Is that what you mean by 'gymnastics' - changing position and 'performing' which does very little for you? I think a bit of what your partner fancies is fine s long as you get some of what sctually does it for you as well, and not what he thinks you should like. I also like music on, plenty of lube and making out in the shower. Very few men seem to care about any of this, it makes no difference to them so they don't ask or notice.

Time of day sounds important to you. I simply don't want sex after about 11pm, and am generally less keen the more tired i am (duh). 11am is my best time which is why having a child ruined my sex life for a long time. In the old days that's what Sunday school was for. Can you think of any ways to get rid of the kids for a couple of hours/one hour at a better time for you?

It is not your “job” to provide sex. Especially not anal. I don’t know if it’s my age but in my younger days anal was still seen as something “niche” to a degree. However now it seems to be expected. It’s not something i’ve ever done or ever will! Sex should be enjoyable for you too. I hear you talk about the things you try and do to please him, what does he do to please you? No wonder you have a low sex drive and don’t enjoy it. I do see 3 times a month as quite a low amount if I’m being honest but he is being a total bastard about it. I’d be wary of him cheating at some stage and trying to place the blame on you. Honestly, you are doing nothing wrong. It’s him who needs to learn how to love and cherish his wife both in and out of bed. If he does that, then you will probably want sex again. It’s for him to change, not you.

You need to soul search about why you only want sex once a week (and even then don’t really mind if you don’t get off). Do you even fancy him any more? You clearly have stopped finding him attractive but are fudging the issue by focussing on his sexual needs— that needs to stop. Be honest with yourself and if the result is this relationship has to end then so be it.

I agree with Chucking. Laughing at the idea of you suggesting you 'porn it up a bit', by buying a big black ... and shoving it up his anal passage and seeing how much he likes that!!

He sounds a dick and not very good at sex, or more importantly not caring, whether he satisfies you.

I imagine if it was good for you then you'd want to do it more.

He needs to do more lifework and ensure that you enjoy sex. It sounds very much like the sex is all about him and you could be anyone.

Perhaps a few counselling sessions might help you both, for you to stop accepting crappy sex and for him to realise how badly he is behaving.

I like to have sex most days. Would more than once if DP was up for it. But I've been in relationships where I went months without (or with little). Because the sex was bad. Sex should be mutually enjoyable. If you don't enjoy it then why the hell would you want to do it? And if you don't want to do it...absolutely don't!

Even if you were enjoying it, his lie in is his choice. He could wake up earlier if he wanted sex (and you wanted it).

He sounds like a relatively typical example of a selfish lover who has watched way too much porn. Who wants to fuck someone like that?

No cherries she really doesn't need to "soul search" about why she "only" wants sex once a week, any more than anyone else needs to soul search about why they might want it every day, or every other day. An individual sex drive is exactly that, there's nothing wrong one way or the other, there needs to be understanding and compromise on both sides.

OP's DH sounds like a revolting cunt generally tbh, with lots of unappealing habits, but this is the one that upsets the OP most at the moment.

He sounds awful. No wonder you don't want sex if it's painful and does nothing for you. He sounds shit in bed tbh. Yanbu and I would sit down and tell him everything you've said in a matter of fact way. I would also stop having any kind of sex that hurts you. If he can't accept this then I think the writing is on the wall for your relationship. And by the way, if he tries to sell you the "all men are like this" line - no they aren't and no you don't have to put up with it!

Yep op, soul search why you don't want sex ONLY once a week with someone who has no issue plugging away while you're in pain.

FFS.

I'm interested to know what 'porn' sex is vs 'vanilla' sex?

Obviously anal is fairly unusual to do frequently and even worse if it doesn't do much for you. It's not very fulfilling if you do stuff because you 'don't mind'... if he wants more sex he really needs to see what he can do to make things more enjoyable for you.

We have had a similar issue, I could go weeks without really thinking about it whereas DH would do it everyday ideally. But his perspective was to try and find out if there was anything he could do/change to boost my sex drive, with the caveat that it could just be my baseline and that's fine too. As it was there were things he could change (which I didn't even realise) and working on it has been really positive for us and has allowed us to kind of meet in the middle. If he had just thought of himself and blamed me and been pushy things would never have improved.

I might be wrong but...
I would struggle if my other half viewed sex to me as a favour. As in something to be tolerated.

I wonder if the porn style sex might actually be that he wants to see enthusiasm or lust from you?

I know id struggle if my partner was passive, allowed me to do what i wanted but didnt play a role. It wouldnt be about being on top or anything particular but about being mentally present, and an active participant

Obviously he might be a total knob. Im not discounting that

He should be making you want sex more! You're not getting anything much out of it then I suggest he sharpens his technique up.

This all sounds really shit tbh. You're under pressure to give him porn style sex like a performing monkey but he doesn't seem too bothered about making it pleasurable for you.
Stop having anal- it hurts you and he shouldn't be wanting to do anything that hurts you.

Apart from moaning about lack of sex, moaning about 'vanilla' sex and doing something that hurts you what is he actually doing for you?

Why are you having sex that hurts you? Does he know that it hurts? If he does, and doesn't care, that's terrible and he sounds really selfish awful generally.

Hedoesn't sound very willing to compromise. Mid morning sex when youth already been up for hours because it's what he wants, anal because it's what he wants. Have you or he considered that if he did more things you like, that might result in more sex? Does he make you come every time even if that's not vaginally?

Sex shouldn't involve pain unless it has been discussed and agreed.

Anal, shouldn't hurt.

These are big red flags.

This is such a sad post. Echoing PP who have said stop having anal sex if it hurts you at all. It doesn't have to hurt but really, the point is that it hurts YOU and that's absolutely fine. Please don't go along with it. Good sex is about a mental connection as well as a physical one and your oh sounds like he's doing sweet Fanny Adams to please you.

He sounds shit in bed at best and sexually abusive at worst.

You sound like you have been worn down and prioritised his unreasonable demands over your own wishes and wellbeing, which is v sad.

On the weekend mornings when he want to have sex are the DC out or around? What does he want you to do, stay in nightwear all morning awaiting his pleasure?

If you're exhausted at the end of the day, and he's bouncing around wanting a shag, then the obvious answer is that the division of labor isn't quite right. You shouldn't be so exhausted that sex doesn't even occur to you.

Would he cancel the hobby once a week, let you rest up in the bath with a glass of wine, and then come up to your bedroom after doing the days chores himself and actually cuddle and love you for a bit? You could have a nap even. Might help a lot.

It's not really possible to "just be horny" when you're exhausted. That's not how it works.

How would he respond to the suggestion above?

He’s a selfish pig isn’t he. You sound like you do all the work at home - he’s out three nights a week then in bed till mid day and expects you to perform for him!!
Does he help out at home at all?
I love the idea of sticking a dildo up his arse!!
Please don’t have anal Sex if you don’t like it just to please him.
I’ve done it don’t like it and won’t do it again.
You sound like your needs aren’t getting met at all.
Do you go out?
Does he satisfy you sexually or does he not care if you aren’t satisfied.
You take care,and start thinking what YOU need - you may decide it ain’t him.

I agree with PP that there has been a huge generational shift in attitude to anal sex thanks to porn which is aimed at men. I am in my 40's and anal used to be a niche thing. Now it seems so many younger women/ men seem to regard it as a service women are expected 'not to mind' to provide, even though it hurts. I don't think that's ok. If you don't like it, don't do it. If it hurts at all, don't do it. if he wouldn't like a dildo up his ass, he shouldn't 'expect' you to want his dick up yours.

I think about sex a lot and I am woman but I don’t think about this kind of sex and if this was on offer I would decline

Just the whole description of him and how he treats you has made my vagina shrivel let alone how this makes you feel

You don’t have to do any of these things he demands and I think you need to protest yourself and ask yourself if this is the type of man you want to be with. He is awful

There's an easy answer to this. He likes anal and wants more sex? Buy a strap on and see how up for it he is when you demand.

It'll either get the message across LOUD and fucking clear thst you're not a blow up doll or he'll like it, and probably want it more than you realise ;) either way, the initial problem solved.

However, the fact that he's a complete prick who treats you like shit.... Not as easy to solve.