Mum not treating GC fairly

[GetOrfMyBin]

Hopefully this won’t be long but I’m a bit baffled about this situation with my DM and I don’t really know what to do.

Last year my DF took his own life. DM found him and it would have been a very fucking awful experience. Both parents very early 50’s at the time. DM took a long time off work (understandable) but is now back at work. DM/DF used to have 2 of my DC for weekends sometimes, not all the time but they tried for monthly if they could. I also have a DC3 who has only ever slept over twice when a baby but who is now 5. Before DF died he mentioned about them having all 3 DC but this didn’t happen before he died. They also have two other GC, younger than my DC and they used to have they eldest every now and again too.

After he died DM didn’t want any of the GC staying over - completely understandable. Then she had my DC1 about 6 months after for a weekend as that’s what she wanted to do. Earlier this year she asked to have my DC 1 and 2 and had my eldest DN as well. This has happened a couple of times since, with no mention of having my DC3. The past 2 or 3 times DC3 has asked me why they can’t stay over and I’ve never really had an answer, as I didn’t really know.

So fast forward to this week and she’s asked to have my DC 1&2 along and asked DB whether she can have his DC1 as well. I agreed but then asked about the possibility of thinking about having DC3 over the next time as well. DM replied not at the minute, as DC3 didn’t have membership to the gym they go to (DM pays for DC1 and 2 and DN to have memberships) and that obviously she also has DN as well. I replied asking if it would help if I paid for him to have membership and she said that she could book DC3 in for the Sunday morning, so effectively still not sleeping over but going the gym.

I replied saying to her it wasn’t really about the gym but spending time with her and if mentioned the gym to solve one of the ‘barriers’ to DC 3 staying. I said I wasn’t expecting her to have 4 DC, but did DN always have to go when DC1 and 2 did. The response I got was that yes she did have to as she doesn’t have two weekends a month free, so she wouldn’t have DN stay otherwise. She went on to say that she goes out all the time and does things to keep herself busy because otherwise it’s just a lonely existence. She said I needed to tell DC3 they’ve not done anything wrong but this is how she is now. I’ve not replied.

I will say that it’s clear she’s not having a good time. I understand this. I don’t ask her to really have my DC, even before DF died, I’ve always been asked to have them stay over. We actually now live closer so really none of the DC need to stay over but that’s what she wants so fine. However, I’m now faced with some issues. To me her last message read as she’s just not going to have DC3 over to stay full stop and that she’s prioritising having DN stay over DC3. My DH has suggested that I message back to suggest swapping one of our other DC for DC3 but 1) I feel the answer would be the same and 2) I don’t want DC3 staying over if they’re not wanted. Moving forward I don’t really feel that this is fair and part of me wants to say if DC3 is going to be left out then I don’t want DC1 and 2 staying over any more - is this too harsh?

I’m really sad, as DC3 hasn’t done anything wrong - at 5 years old how am I meant to explain something that I don’t understand myself? I’m very aware that DM is not coping very well and don’t want to really push it, as I feel it will cause an argument but I can’t really stand by and just let DC3 be left out.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

When I had 4 close together, dm had all of them when ds was out of nappies - she wouldn't have suggested less than 4 and I would not have let her have less.
She is creating a divide /potential issues between your dc. Stop any sleeping would be my statement.
Sibling relationships outweigh dgc /dgm imo.
She is being quite nasty imo also.

I think she just can't cope with a five year old at the moment. How old are the other children?

That's horrible excluding one child. They're now realising they're being excluded so I'd be telling it's all or nothing. She either has the 3 of them together or none at all. Don't allow her to cause a divide

I don’t know if it’s the grief or what. She’s very understandably not been the same since he died, but to now have it confirmed pretty much that she’s not going to have DC3 at all is a bit of a shock.

My other DC are 10 and 7, DN is 3. I do have another DN but they’re a baby. DF used to look after DN in the week, so was around more, but if anything I think DC3 is less trouble if that makes sense.

You definitely need to put a stop to this. Her behaviour is horrible. You need to put your child's feelings above hers

I can't see any mention of ages however a 5 year old is hard work and may be too much for her. My 6 year old is also blunt about death- for example telling my recently widowed father he can watch what he wants on tv now now Grandma is dead. Maybe she just wants easy children?

To add, I don’t particularly feel that DC need to stay over really and would happily not have them do that.

In the past I’ve always been very nicely nicely, so I’ve usually ‘done as I’m told’, but earlier this year I put my foot down about something and DM couldn’t see my point of view.

I’d be happy to just visit but I never know when DM will be in and she’s not really taken me on when I’ve mentioned going round. I don’t like just calling in on people.

OP has said the child being excluded is 5 but her niece is only 3

I wouldn't allow my Mother to pick an choose which of my kids were allowed to sleep over.. whilst your little one is left home alone wondering what he has done to be excluded so blatantly and obviously excluded...

I'm sorry OP.. but none of my kids would be going.. purely on the basis that the little one is left out every single time

Does your dc3 look like your dad? Could he be reminding him of her? Any particular mannerisms etc? Just a thought

I definitely don’t think it’s right and I’m very firmly of the frame of mind that the other two DC should no longer stay over in future if this is the case. I offered to pay for the gym for DC3, which we can’t really afford, because she’s kind of made it clear she’s not going to pay and I was hoping this would mean she would then say she’d have him, but obviously not. She has 5 GC in total but doesn’t have my DC3 or DN who is a baby stay.

I’m not sure if DC3 looks like my dad..not really? But he may have some features of him I guess. If she came out and said that then I could kind of get it, but she’s not come out and said that so I’m still a bit baffled.

I think I'd tell her that you've appreciated her having them to stay, but you simply can't justify it to your 5 yo anymore. If she's having the 3yo, it's not an age thing.

I can see that she might think that she can't manage 4 on her own, but in that case she needs to vary what she is doing. She could have DN one month and your three the following month if she doesn't want them all together one month.

You need to explain that she is alienating the youngest one and that it isn't fair on them :(

I think you should just accept that it is what it is, as a family you have been through one of the worst experiences possible but just let your mum do what she feels she wants to do with her grandchildren & perhaps take your youngest out for a special treat whilst the others are with your mother. To stop the oldest two from going would just be incredibly petty.

I could distract my 5 year old so they didn't notice, but that won't work forever.

It's hard as want to keep your mum happy but can't be at the expense of dc3.

It's awkward but I would say "Sorry mum, can't manage sleepover. We can meet you and dn at the gym in the morning or come here for dinner night before?"

It is so weird I have to think it is something to do with grief. Maybe the tradition that those 3 children to stay was something her and her husband enjoyed together? It's sad but she needs to consider dc3 feelings.

I’ve had it before where we were already busy for one weekend she asked to have DC1 and 2 with DN. Instead of just having DN she postponed it until DC1 and 2 could go as well.

I kind of suggested in one message to her that DN doesn’t always have to go but the response was if she didn’t then she wouldn’t stay over that month. So essentially the answer would be the same in reverse if I suggested one of the other DC not going so DC3 could go.

I’ve always struggled saying no to my mum and I am getting better at it, but right now I’m scared of pushing her over the edge. I will be saying the other two can’t stay but I’m just struggling with it all. Even if she now said she’d have DC 3 to sleep I’d still know that she didn’t really want him to stay over

I honestly think that if your 5 year old is asking questions and getting upset with the situation it needs to stop. I'm like you very much a people pleaser but for the sake of your DC3 you need to stop the other two sleeping over. She could alternate so have your three one month and DN the next but she isn't coming up with any solution to rectify this I'm afraid the only way forward is to stop all sleepovers.

Honestly?
Just stop them going. Your DM can come and see the children whenever she likes but until she treats DC3 the same as their siblings and cousin, none of the children sleep over at grandmas.

Ragwort - I wouldn’t be stopping DC1 and 2 sleeping to be petty, not at all, but I can’t just let this carry on as it really isn’t fair. Last time they stayed over all of us went to drop them off and when DC3 realised DN was staying he asked why he couldn’t stay, because he was good. He honestly couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong. I tried to explain it was nothing he had done but he just kept asking over the day why. I can’t face trying to explain it to him when I don’t really get why he can’t go. It will eventually cause a rift and his relationship with my DM is nowhere near what DC1 and 2 have.

I think DC1 and 2 plus DN maybe stayed together twice before DF died so it wasn’t necessarily a full on tradition for them to do that.

To stop the oldest two from going would just be incredibly petty

It's not in the least petty. The OP has a 5 year old who has to watch their siblings go off to Grans for a sleepover without them. That's very unfair to that child. It's different if they're tiny and don't realise but the wee soul can't understand why they're being excluded & is asking what they've done wrong. That's horrible.

What's her reasoning? It makes more sense to me for her to have DC1 and DC1 one month and then DN and DC3 the next. Because the 10 and 7 year old will want to do more similar things (and likewise the 5 and 3 year old). The only problem with that would be that obviously a 5 and 3 year olds are pretty exhausting to look after.

If it was me and something like the above wasn't agreeable then I think no sleep overs, and invite DM out for family days now and again for her to be around them all without having to feel shes looking after any of them in particular etc etc.

It does just seem odd that she's excluded DC3. Does she see them a lot otherwise or want not much to do with them?

I’m sorry and I can see that my opinion isn’t shared on this thread but your mother has lost her husband to suicide (& you have lost your father) and I just don’t think your focus should be in who she does or doesn’t have to stay. Just make a big fuss of your youngest when the others are staying over night, try to be the ‘bigger’ person, yes I get that it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair.

Dc1 and dc2 not dc1 and dc1 obviously!!