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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum not treating GC fairly

95 replies

GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 18:53

Hopefully this won’t be long but I’m a bit baffled about this situation with my DM and I don’t really know what to do.

Last year my DF took his own life. DM found him and it would have been a very fucking awful experience. Both parents very early 50’s at the time. DM took a long time off work (understandable) but is now back at work. DM/DF used to have 2 of my DC for weekends sometimes, not all the time but they tried for monthly if they could. I also have a DC3 who has only ever slept over twice when a baby but who is now 5. Before DF died he mentioned about them having all 3 DC but this didn’t happen before he died. They also have two other GC, younger than my DC and they used to have they eldest every now and again too.

After he died DM didn’t want any of the GC staying over - completely understandable. Then she had my DC1 about 6 months after for a weekend as that’s what she wanted to do. Earlier this year she asked to have my DC 1 and 2 and had my eldest DN as well. This has happened a couple of times since, with no mention of having my DC3. The past 2 or 3 times DC3 has asked me why they can’t stay over and I’ve never really had an answer, as I didn’t really know.

So fast forward to this week and she’s asked to have my DC 1&2 along and asked DB whether she can have his DC1 as well. I agreed but then asked about the possibility of thinking about having DC3 over the next time as well. DM replied not at the minute, as DC3 didn’t have membership to the gym they go to (DM pays for DC1 and 2 and DN to have memberships) and that obviously she also has DN as well. I replied asking if it would help if I paid for him to have membership and she said that she could book DC3 in for the Sunday morning, so effectively still not sleeping over but going the gym.

I replied saying to her it wasn’t really about the gym but spending time with her and if mentioned the gym to solve one of the ‘barriers’ to DC 3 staying. I said I wasn’t expecting her to have 4 DC, but did DN always have to go when DC1 and 2 did. The response I got was that yes she did have to as she doesn’t have two weekends a month free, so she wouldn’t have DN stay otherwise. She went on to say that she goes out all the time and does things to keep herself busy because otherwise it’s just a lonely existence. She said I needed to tell DC3 they’ve not done anything wrong but this is how she is now. I’ve not replied.

I will say that it’s clear she’s not having a good time. I understand this. I don’t ask her to really have my DC, even before DF died, I’ve always been asked to have them stay over. We actually now live closer so really none of the DC need to stay over but that’s what she wants so fine. However, I’m now faced with some issues. To me her last message read as she’s just not going to have DC3 over to stay full stop and that she’s prioritising having DN stay over DC3. My DH has suggested that I message back to suggest swapping one of our other DC for DC3 but 1) I feel the answer would be the same and 2) I don’t want DC3 staying over if they’re not wanted. Moving forward I don’t really feel that this is fair and part of me wants to say if DC3 is going to be left out then I don’t want DC1 and 2 staying over any more - is this too harsh?

I’m really sad, as DC3 hasn’t done anything wrong - at 5 years old how am I meant to explain something that I don’t understand myself? I’m very aware that DM is not coping very well and don’t want to really push it, as I feel it will cause an argument but I can’t really stand by and just let DC3 be left out.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2018 20:35

Its not you, its her. I was also wondering what sort of parent she was towards you when you were growing up. She seems to clearly favour girls over boys.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. Your mother is no different.

I would also ask her in person so not via text her reasoning behind such behaviour. My guess is that she cannot or will not give you a straight answer. Such favouritism cannot and must not be tolerated by you.

I would not want to see her at all because your three children are equal in your eyes but not in hers. Your youngest is being scapegoated by his nan for really no good reason and such behaviour can and does affect relationships between siblings.

RandomMess · 02/11/2018 20:37

The in laws decided my youngest was more work than older 3, even though she was far far far easier than DN she was made the scapegoat as to why they never wanted to spend time with our DC.

I honestly think you just gave to say "there is no need for the girls to stay over as you live so close and it's actually very upsetting for DS so let's just stop overnights"

pinkandstripey · 02/11/2018 20:38

It is clearly a girl/boy thing. Poor ds :(

MadeForThis · 02/11/2018 20:40

Just tell her that she can take them all or take none.

I was wondering if she had only had DD's and wasn't sure how to relate to a Ds but that's not the case.

It's incredibly unfair to isolate one dc. Don't let her.

user1484424013 · 02/11/2018 20:42

You need to find your voice a d use it now. Fuck the end result your son is being left out and that's disgusting and am I the only one who noticed you say that.tpue dad suggested to your mum about having all 3 and she said no.

I'm sorry I may have this wrong but she sounds like a piece of work and even before your dad (Sorry for you loss btw). Do this now my daughter is now 7 and remembers when a girl told her she was too fat to play Mary in the nativity and that j stood up for her loud and proud and made her smile with my love and support. This will bite you in the arse later trust me. And as for what she said when you were a child... I am seeing she had some weird mother issue with you. Not your fault but I'll be honest grief does not give you an exscuse to be nasty. Good luck find you mammy voice and roar

category12 · 02/11/2018 20:46

It's not OK for one of your dc to be treated differently, so no, none of them should go.

MrsJane · 02/11/2018 20:47

Your poor ds3!! This is absolutely not ok!

I understand she may not be able to handle 4 dc but this doesn't stop her having him another time or all 3 siblings instead of dn together.

I hate it when adults play favourites with children, it's so cruel and damaging.

I couldn't let this go and I would spell it out to her that ds is asking why she's excluding him! How can she not feel guilty about that?! I'd put a stop to the other kids staying too, it's not fair on your ds. It's all (either together or separately!) or nothing. I hate favouritism.

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:49

Sorry trying to keep up with replies.

It’s always felt like she’s kind of got on better with DB than me. He’s 9 years younger than me. She has been more protective over him, not overly so but she’s helped him out more (that is not a criticism!) and she just seemed to be warmer with him than me.

She didn’t show a preference for the girls over the boys, certainly nothing noticeable anyway. She’s not one for ‘girly nights’ and she’s never in that much for me to go just see her. She seems unwilling at the moment to deviate from what she’s got planned or what she normally does. I don’t have an issue with that but it makes it hard to sit down and have a chat. She’s never really been one for doing that with me. We have spoken more since my dad died, usually just on the phone.

She’s said once before that if she’s having the girls then she’s having the girls and she won’t change her plans. She implied in her last message she wants to keep just having the three of them. It doesn’t seem like she wants to stop this as this is when she sees them. She’s always out doing things and this is like her time slot for them..or that’s what it feels like. I don’t think she likes being in the house much because it’s quiet and where my dad died.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/11/2018 20:52

Your Mum's wants/needs to. It override what is best for your DC collectively.

She has one of your DC at a time on rotation or 2 at a time on rotation, all 3 or none her choice.

RandomMess · 02/11/2018 20:52

Is it a way of disapproving of you having a 3rd?

FleurDeLips · 02/11/2018 20:55

Sounds like she just doesn’t like any kind of change. Problem with that is she is hurting DS3. She may think that it isn’t affecting him so I think you need to make it much clearer to her that it is

Very odd really, she likes boys and favoured DB but only wants the girls and it sounds pretty regimented thinking

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:58

She didn’t say it was her time slot for them, it’s just how it feels.

I have spelt it out that DS wants to stay but the response was about explaining how he’s done nothing wrong, but this is just how nanna is now. I don’t understand why and she doesn’t seem to be willing to offer anything.

To me it’s clear she’s struggling and she is finding everything hard. Everything must remind her of my dad and I know that must be incredibly hard. She’s not going to go on any medication, she doesn’t want to, but it feels like maybe she does need to. There’s no way to talk her round to that though.

I guess my mum has always been assertive, knows what she wants and is a do-er. Our personalities are completely different. I know I’ve already said it but although I’m going to tell her that the other DC can’t be staying over anymore then, I’m terrified it will push her over the edge of something.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 20:59

She went on to say that she goes out all the time and does things to keep herself busy

Looks like CHANGE for Mother isn't the issue.... Hmm

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 21:01

I don’t think she disapproved of me having a third. I’ve never really thought of it that way. When he was born she was made up with him, as she was with all of them. I don’t know what may have changed specifically to do with DS.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 21:01

I know I’ve already said it but although I’m going to tell her that the other DC can’t be staying over anymore then, I’m terrified it will push her over the edge of something

however... you need to consider the long term damage Her behaviour is having on your DS... Flowers

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 21:02

She’s keeping herself busy because her head isn’t in a good place. If she’s out doing things then it possibly takes her mind off my dad for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 21:04

I know Gemini Sad

It just feels like a lose/lose situation either way.

OP posts:
MrsJane · 02/11/2018 21:05

however... you need to consider the long term damage Her behaviour is having on your DS...*

This! ^

With bells on! You need to stick up for your ds3! You're enabling your dm's bad behaviour!

Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 21:06

keeping busy is good for her... but your wee boy is suffering and it needs to be resolved and fast... She's an adult..in control of her own destiny... your child cannot verbalise or express his feelings anywhere near what she can... someone needs to do that for him... YOU Flowers

choli · 02/11/2018 21:06

What on earth does a 3 yr old do at the gym?

FleurDeLips · 02/11/2018 21:11

You can be really busy but not like change

Fwend · 02/11/2018 21:11

What an awkward situation. I agree with others that you can't just send the older two, your poor DS will feel so let down and unsupported.

I wouldn't sit your Mum down though and tell her that you won't be sending the others, I'd just gently phase out all sleepovers unless she specifically invites all 3 of yours.

Ordinarily I would advise a straight chat laying out what will happen, but given what's happened to your Mum it might be easier to just fade the sleepovers out.

flossietoot · 02/11/2018 21:14

My mother in law has done this. It’s so hurtful.
I would just say ‘I am not sure DS at age five really understands ‘this is just how Nanna is’. Can you try and show some level of empathy as you risk doing serious long term damage’

RainbowsArePretty · 02/11/2018 21:18

So sorry for your loss. I feel sorry for your DM not coping but I think there needs to be a direct conversation resulting in the sleepovers stopping. To phase them out means she may still treat the DGC differently in other ways.

Express to her that DC3 is old enough to be hurt & confused by being left out. So due to this sleepovers can't continue with DC1 and 2 unless they all took turns in going. Could you offer her to join the kids at your house for a sleepover monthly? Pjs on and a family movie for everyone? Failing that a play date with all the DGC and you and DB?

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 21:19

They go to the kids club at the gym and then sometimes swimming afterwards. They do the swimming with my mum and while they’re in kids club she is doing a class or whatever. Don’t get me wrong they do enjoy the kids club when they go, but it’s not really spending time with her. And when I suggested signing DS up for the membership she seemed to have missed the point, saying she’d book him in for the morning after they’ve slept over but still not sleeping over. It would still be him not seeing her.

OP posts: